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Josh71 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
But if you’re polite, upbeat, happy and acting is if you’ll be fine no matter what, you will not come across as same old you.
Well, that, I can say, is the new me. Since the first week of emotional collapse, I've been almost unwavering in terms of being polite, upbeat, and happy on the outside. I've even offering to support her in her temporary job only because it works for me to get more D1 time.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
In fact, it is better to wait and respond.
Thanks for clarifying.

With a young child, I understand having your phone on you. The type of immediate communication that needs to happen is "D3 is OK, but I am on the way to the hospital because of ...."

Look, but do not respond to anything that is not a true, immediate emergency.

You both are fully capable adults and can deal with any parenting issues alone. This is what she wants. This is what you do now. Any disagreements can be dealt with through mediation. It is perfectly ok that you both have different parenting styles.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Buddy, don’t take this the wrong way… I say this in kindness (hence my user name), although it may come across harsh. You are just like me when the freight train of BD smashed into my life, and because I see a lot of you in me, I want to help!

Quote
So STBXW found the card in the bin when taking some cardboard out. She fished it out, and as luck would have it, I was literally out the door with baby for a walk. She asked me if I read it. I said yes. She threw it on the ground and walked away.

Now I feel terrible. I feel she needs an explanation. In some sense, because I have been distant in our M, DBing feels like more of the same. I recall it worked with BD1, but with BD2, it certainly is not.

Why feel terrible? She is a crazy WAW/WW who is writing bullshit cards to tug on your heart strings while she’s simultaneously smashing your marriage and family onto the rocks.

You know WHY she sent that card? She sent it for two very clear reasons.

1. To make herself feel better about what she is doing (discussion in her head - “I wrote a nice card, so I must be a nice person, so this divorce can’t be my fault, it’s just that we’re both better off apart. Great, that must mean I can bang AP without guilt”)

2. It’s a temp check to see if she’s still got you as a backup plan. “If I can see this card affects him and makes him soppy/regretful, then I know I can plough ahead with divorce and if it all goes pear-shaped I can change my mind at any minute. Phew, I guess that means him being super attached puppy dog to me actually makes the decision to divorce much easier.”

This is the crap that they tell themselves in their head.

She needs NO explanation why the card went in the bin. What she is really feeling (and what’s pissing her off) is that you are not responding like she wants you to (she can’t control you), and she’s having to face the consequences of her actions.

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Not in a good state of mind ATM.

Why? This is incredibly weak (and unattractive) behaviour. Are you going to let this person’s shitty behaviour control your mood?

If my ex is happy, or sad, or angry because of HER decisions, I’m not going to let her feelings drag me down. Not my job to fix her problems.

You need to totally disconnect how you feel from how she behaves, what she says or does. The problem here is that you have completely tied your feelings of self worth and happiness and mood as to whether she is happy or not.

Let her have her little pity party about the card. And go on living your awesome life and being a great Dad.

She does her. You do you. And nothing in between. The sooner you join those dots, the better off you’ll be.

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Oh, and WRT lawyers - I sense the same thing. You think it might be easier and less painful if you are gentle and don’t drop her in the lap if your big-bad lawyer.

I’m sorry, DB rules say you can’t nice a WAS/WS back, but it also applies to settlement - you can’t nice them to good financial orders or children’s orders.

The whole thing is a bloody mess. There’s a finite amount of money and time with kids, and it’s NEVER a nice fight. I think you should accept that whether there’s a lawyer, or no lawyer, or if the money split is fair/not fair, or if the custody split is 50:50 or not, or if it’s sunny today or raininf - nothing you can do right now will make this woman happy.

Better off just accepting she’s going to blow the world up no matter what, hitching your big boy pants up and getting on with it. And the best way to get on with it is to pay a lawyer so you can spend your time on you. Hobbies, counselling, being social, camping, 4x4, getting fit - let the lawyer deal with trying to keep her happy!

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Originally Posted by toughtimes180
So STBXW found the card in the bin when taking some cardboard out.
This is exactly what you wanted, or more specifically created. If you didn't want her to find it, you could have shredded, burnt it, tossed it out when you were filling your car with gas.

We all make choices. Reflect on this and see if you could have made better choices. Same thing as things are unfolding in real time, stop and think about why you are behaving a certain way. Why are you doing a certain thing? IS there a better choice that will align with you current goals?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by Kind18
What she is really feeling (and what’s pissing her off) is that you are not responding like she wants you to (she can’t control you), and she’s having to face the consequences of her actions.
Yes, and that makes me feel strong. That is what my WIP is, to control my own life. When you frame your two reasons, yeah, that makes sense. I'm not interested in a Plan-B. She walked out mid-couples therapy, and made her intentions clear. Now I'm making mine clear.

She isn't aggressively following through with D, but as I've learnt here, I'm not going to dwell on her motives or state of mind. Whatever right?

Originally Posted by Kind18
Quote
Not in a good state of mind ATM.

Why? This is incredibly weak (and unattractive) behaviour. Are you going to let this person’s shitty behaviour control your mood?
I say this inwardly, but outward, I've never shown this. Today, I never showed any reaction to her reaction, and I've been purposely friendly in our conversations. This is my WIP, to not enmesh my emotions to her emotions. I'm aware of this co-dependency issue I have, and it's something I need to work on. She knows this, an it's a hard habit to break.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
So STBXW found the card in the bin when taking some cardboard out.
This is exactly what you wanted, or more specifically created.
It is, in a way what I wanted, just not face to face as it happened. Unfortunate timing.

I own it, I accept the consequences. I probably could have handled it better, yes. In fact, none of this detracts, nor aligns with my goals. So when you frame it in terms of goals, it wasn't necessary. Saying nothing, and keeping the card would have sufficed.

My goals are to proceed with D, to better bond with all my kids, to understand my contribution to D and to subsequently improve all my relationships. Specifically, how to stop being avoidant and to foster true close connections. I've already started that process already with friends and family. In one month, I've never been closer to my Mom and Sister.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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If you keep the card, get emotional and tell her how much you love her and having a family with her - she thinks you’re weak, knows you’re a backup plan, and so is encouraged to continue with a no-consequence divorce -monkey branching 101.

If you bin the card, she tells her friends and family you’re an unemotional, rude [censored] - and they validate her that she’s doing the right thing because she shouldn’t have to live with someone like that.

See the theme here - IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU DO, you’re wrong in her eyes, and she’ll twist it to justify what she is doing.

So why keep trying to be right when you know you’re only ever going to be wrong?

Better to put that energy into you, than into an impossible task.

It’s good you’re keeping your emotions in check around her. Bravo! That can be really hard to do.

Hang in there buddy, you’re doing okay. Your ability to self-reflect at this early stage gives me great hope you’re going to come out of this a much happier person!

You feel crap right now - fair enough. But from where I’m sitting, your trajectory is excellent.

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Kind18, you made my day. Thanks.

Many times over the years, I felt I was in double binds, and this is no different.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Almost all LBSs go through the second guessing of DBing. "I was distant in the marriage, so me being distant after BD isn't going to work." That simply isn't true. First, BD is about the WAS asking for time and space. All you are doing is giving it to them. Secondly, pressure and pursuit never work. I don't care what the dynamic was pre-BD. Once a WAS wants out, not backing off and giving them time and space is akin to pushing them out the door.

But what I am really confused about is your goal here. You've stated you want the D. Then I read a statement like you made about distance in the marriage meaning DBing is more the same.

toughtimes180, you need to decide what it is YOU want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to save your marriage. Even when there are PAs and EAs and BDs. In fact, very few LBSs come to this forum saying "I found this forum and I want to D my WAS!" Most come here hoping to save their marriage. The questions is, do you want to save it? If so, what does that look like? Obviously going back to the status quo won't work so that can't be your answer. IC for you and her. MC for both of you. Complete transparency from her (where she is, who she is going with, who will be there, no passwords you do not know on her phone, computer, social media, etc). If that is your goal then DB your butt off and let her get their on her own, where she is ready to stay and agree to your requirements for R.

If your answer is truly that you want to D her, then that is okay too. But you seem to not know that answer yourself, despite typing the words that you want a D.


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Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I own it, I accept the consequences. I probably could have handled it better, yes. In fact, none of this detracts, nor aligns with my goals. So when you frame it in terms of goals, it wasn't necessary. Saying nothing, and keeping the card would have sufficed.
So TT I think you did what your true self wanted to do with the card. What you didn't like is the response you got from it. If she never found it would you be ok with your actions? If she didn't react the way she did would you be ok with your actions?

I can't stress this enough. Everything you do moving forward is what is in the best interest for you and your kids. How she reacts to anything should have zero effect on you.

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