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Originally Posted by tt180
I didn't engage, nor go back and forth. I'm just pointing out the current mood.
Getting to what the court deems fair without heated conversations can be as simple as BL42 is saying--negotiate in writing, sit 1-3 days on proposals, and pass proposals by your attorney.

Originally Posted by tt180
Yeah, thanks. I feel I'm just overwhelmed with the idea of not having control.
Yes, if you choose to be a primary parent you have to come to terms with 50% control. If you opt out with D2 (as you planned), you have to come to terms with STBXW calling more shots and following her lead. If you trust her enough to put her in that role, trust her choices.

Originally Posted by tt180
I don't mind, so long as it's in writing, In writing is key, otherwise I see wriggle room.
Write as much as you can down, but you will still hopefully be flexible when it involves the best interests of your kids. It's not flexibility or chaos. Last week I took an extra custody day because my D was stressed about an AP exam and I'm a subject matter expert. My ex's night went from challenging to easy. My night went from a date to studying. It was best for my D.

Originally Posted by tt180
It's the "oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach" or "I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them go you", or "the cousins are at grandmas, come over". That is what I object to. These are things she actually said to me two weeks ago. Of course there is value in shared family time, but it feels to me she wants life as it is now, but just that I live somewhere down the road.
You can write all the agreements in the world and you'll still have to get comfortable with receiving incoming requests and saying yes or no to them. These would be my default replies--

"Oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach. <she has custody>" -> "Thank you--I have plans."
"I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them to you." -> "No--this is my custody day."
"The cousins are at grandma's, come over. <I have custody>" -> "Thank you--we have plans."



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Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I'm just overwhelmed with the idea of not having control, that she is calling all shots.
Control and the loss of it is a good area for you to explore, maybe in IC.

Originally Posted by toughtimes180
It's the "oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach" or "I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them go you", or "the cousins are at grandmas, come over". That is what I object to. These are things she actually said to me two weeks ago. Of course there is value in shared family time, but it feels to me she wants life as it is now, but just that I live somewhere down the road.
Originally Posted by Traveler
These would be my default replies--

"Oh weather is good, let's all go to the beach. <she has custody>" -> "Thank you--I have plans."
"I'll pick up the kids from school for some afternoon fun, then return them to you." -> "No--this is my custody day."
"The cousins are at grandma's, come over. <I have custody>" -> "Thank you--we have plans."
Traveler offers great responses IF these requests come up in the future. Also be prepared for her mindset to change.

Lots of WAS/WSs mention in IHS doing family activities going forward yet it never materializes. My ExW said we'd all meet up for walks and to grab ice cream cones and do shared birthday parties (not that I wanted to). A few weeks later OM2 and his family were celebrating my daughter's 2nd birthday at their new place. Remember the "don't believe anything she says"? Right now she could mean for outings at the beach or cousins gettogethers but that could change on a dime...or she could just be saying it to ease her mind. Who knows. Point is, don't expect that mindset to stay consistent going forward.

It's more likely than not to turn into "your time" and "her time" maybe with some school or activity pickups coordinated.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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tough times, I detect that you still have problems telling this woman "no". As Ginger said, there are not just a choice between two extremes. There is middle ground.

However, you have to learn to get her "no". When she asks you to visit the kids on your days, the answer is "no". The dropping off a child somewhere depends on the situation, but in general "no" because you're a busy guy out GAL.

You do tend to over-analyze things. A lot of us do. Your mind will play tricks on you, making you think there are meanings in things that there aren't. Take a breath. Back away from the constant analysis, and just let things happen as they happen. In the meantime just commit to the DBing principles and move forward. Also, ever hear of visualization? You may want to try it. People that visualize failure usually fail. Visualize success. Believe it or not the only one that can prevent you from being able to move on is yourself.


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Originally Posted by toughtimes180
It's interesting. I had a 12-hour GAL with my S. His first ice hockey game (yup, it exists down under). Awesome time. And all through the event, frosty messages with STBXW with a final request for the value of my IT equipment (really? Its so insignificant).
You had a choice to focus on your GAL or your phone.

I leave my phone at home when I do date night with my lady. A deliberate action.

Whatever BS is coming through your phone is not important. You chose to interact with her. It is OK to wait and respond.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Whatever BS is coming through your phone is not important. You chose to interact with her. It is OK to wait and respond.

This. In fact, it is better to wait and respond.

Consider going to LRT tactics with the phone. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts, only respond to direct questions and then only in your own time. IE but right away (you're busy remember?) and then in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers. And its always give to deflect. ("I need to consider that before I give an answer.")

As R2C said, you chose to interact with her during the hockey game. She only has the power over you that your give her.


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
tough times, I detect that you still have problems telling this woman "no". As Ginger said, there are not just a choice between two extremes. There is middle ground.

However, you have to learn to get her "no". When she asks you to visit the kids on your days, the answer is "no". The dropping off a child somewhere depends on the situation, but in general "no" because you're a busy guy out GAL.
Yes, even after BD1, where I stopped being MNG, I reverted. I do have a problem with saying no. It comes out of habit to please, and fear. As you can see, there can be powerful manipulation which I fall for.

I've decided to let her call the shots with mediation for now. I don't even know what topics she wants to bring up, she won't tell me. But since its a charity, I'm going to assume it's parenting plan. I can't see them having the capacity for mediation of settlement. Again, she hasn't even shown me numbers for settlement. I found a one stop separation service which includes balance sheet and legal advice. I'm pushing for that.

I know where I want to be with the parenting plan, so it's being strong about it.

Today, she wanted a GAL day, and I was happy for that. A whole day with the kids my way.

It's a roller coaster ride, every day is a different set of emotions.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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So STBXW found the card in the bin when taking some cardboard out. She fished it out, and as luck would have it, I was literally out the door with baby for a walk. She asked me if I read it. I said yes. She threw it on the ground and walked away.

Now I feel terrible. I feel she needs an explanation. In some sense, because I have been distant in our M, DBing feels like more of the same. I recall it worked with BD1, but with BD2, it certainly is not.

Not in a good state of mind ATM.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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TT,

Easy big fella. This is your NGS kicking in. That card was a slap in the face to you. You didn’t take kindly to it and you tossed it. No big deal.

Chin up tits out!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by LH19
TT,

Easy big fella. This is your NGS kicking in. That card was a slap in the face to you. You didn’t take kindly to it and you tossed it. No big deal.

Chin up tits out!
Thanks. Like everything, I won't reply right away despite the urge. It just feels cold and inconsiderate to not explain, I never really opened up in our R, and it seems more of the same. But I guess I don't need to explain, it's pretty obvious how I felt.

Such is the rollercoaster of IHS.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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TT, it was a card which you read then threw in the bin, nothing to see here. It’s called guilty knowledge, you’re only thinking more of it because of the intentions you had when you did it. Lose the intentions and just do you for you and this won’t be an issue.

Stop thinking about how to explain everything and how it will look, she won’t care anyway. Re the being distant and cold thing, I struggled with this too. But if you’re polite, upbeat, happy and acting is if you’ll be fine no matter what, you will not come across as same old you.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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