As someone whose husband cheated ... this is my humble opinion, based on my sitch ... my exh can hold a grudge better than a camel can store water. He literally feeds on resentments, nurtures them like the Cookie Monster collects chocolate chip cookies. This is NOT the recipe for happy and healthy relationships of any kind. It fuels most of his behavior.
I believe he justified his affair because of his anger and his resentments. Did we have problems? Yes. Did I contribute to them. H3ll YES. I don't think anyone can be in a 26 year relationship without some resentment growing on both sides, or mistakes being made on both sides. We are human, after all. But I also know my exh, in some ways far better now than when we were married. He absolutely justifies the most outrageous behavior based on his whim du jour, which also is colored by his anger and his resentments.
As far as LH's point on expectations - I agree, but I also think that some of the expectations people have - in fact, the ones that probably cause the most problems - are the unconscious expectations, whose very nature makes it impossible for them to be clearly communicated.
Again, I see this with perfect clarity in hindsight, certainly, in my own sitch.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
As someone whose husband cheated ... this is my humble opinion, based on my sitch ... my exh can hold a grudge better than a camel can store water. He literally feeds on resentments, nurtures them like the Cookie Monster collects chocolate chip cookies. This is NOT the recipe for happy and healthy relationships of any kind. It fuels most of his behavior.
I believe he justified his affair because of his anger and his resentments. Did we have problems? Yes. Did I contribute to them. H3ll YES. I don't think anyone can be in a 26 year relationship without some resentment growing on both sides, or mistakes being made on both sides. We are human, after all. But I also know my exh, in some ways far better now than when we were married. He absolutely justifies the most outrageous behavior based on his whim du jour, which also is colored by his anger and his resentments.
As far as LH's point on expectations - I agree, but I also think that some of the expectations people have - in fact, the ones that probably cause the most problems - are the unconscious expectations, whose very nature makes it impossible for them to be clearly communicated.
Again, I see this with perfect clarity in hindsight, certainly, in my own sitch.
Great post BF. I agree 100%. My exw is your exhs brother. She’s still angry. But guess what? LH19 hasn’t been in the picture for 4 years.
As someone whose husband cheated ... this is my humble opinion, based on my sitch ... my exh can hold a grudge better than a camel can store water. He literally feeds on resentments, nurtures them like the Cookie Monster collects chocolate chip cookies. This is NOT the recipe for happy and healthy relationships of any kind. It fuels most of his behavior.
I believe he justified his affair because of his anger and his resentments. Did we have problems? Yes. Did I contribute to them. H3ll YES. I don't think anyone can be in a 26 year relationship without some resentment growing on both sides, or mistakes being made on both sides. We are human, after all. But I also know my exh, in some ways far better now than when we were married. He absolutely justifies the most outrageous behavior based on his whim du jour, which also is colored by his anger and his resentments.
As far as LH's point on expectations - I agree, but I also think that some of the expectations people have - in fact, the ones that probably cause the most problems - are the unconscious expectations, whose very nature makes it impossible for them to be clearly communicated.
Again, I see this with perfect clarity in hindsight, certainly, in my own sitch.
Great post BF. I agree 100%. My exw is your exhs brother. She’s still angry. But guess what? LH19 hasn’t been in the picture for 4 years.
LH my exh started a screamfest with me the day our D was final. It was 12/23 and I called to find out what we were doing with son for Christmas. I didn't even know our D was final that day, because in our state they don't tell you unless you pay the extra $25 to have the divorce nisi mailed to you. I'm like WTF, I'm just trying to figure out Christmas, I had no specific "tone" and he's telling me to lose my nasty tone? So I said, "Why are you so angry? You've gotten absolutely everything you wanted - house sold, more money than you've ever had, free access to our son whenever you want, ability to come and go as you please, see whomever you want, do whatever you want, buy whatever you want. I don't call you or bother you in any way unless it's about scheduling or for something directly related to our son. Why are you still so angry at me?"
Man, that unleashed an absolute $H!tstorm!!!! "DON"T YOU TRY TO PIN THIS ON ME! I NEVER WANTED THIS!" was my favorite quote from that conversation. I asked, "Well, I certainly didn't want a divorce. I've made it abundantly clear that you could stop this at any time, but you didn't. So if you didn't want one why are we divorced and what can we do about it now?" I think he hung up on me at that point.
He's married to his AP. Apparently he's still angry. Living in paradise. I have zero contact. Why is he still so freaking angry all the time? Maybe, just maybe LH, your ex and my ex are really angry people who don't know that anger masks fear.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Mine wasn't angry with me bttrfly, only chronically dissatisfied with life. His inability to be happy manifested in many ways unrelated to me: - constantly planning his next big adventure because he'd get depressed without something to focus on in the future - getting in trouble at work because he couldn't be satisfied with his great career and his great job with exceptionally good hours for a surgical specialty and good money and national prestige, and because following the rules was beneath him. They even sent him to anger management once. - constantly remodeling, even things that didn't need it (this has been even more of an issue since the divorce, when he has remodeled a single room with bath 3 times that I know of in ten years. Not redecorated, remodeled).
I contributed a LOT to him staying relatively sane and happy during our years together - I doubt he could have been married to anyone else for 24 years as successfully. But his inability to be satisfied also led to cheating, some of which I had no clue about at the time but that seems pretty clear now.
And bttrfly, if he never wanted the divorce then I guess he shouldn't have carried on a years long affair behind your back, should he? You didn't cause that. He was probably just mad because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and you ruined that when you figured out he was having an affair. Poor baby - he had CONSEQUENCES! And he didn't want CONSEQUENCES!
Well K that’s fantastic that you are the first person maybe in history that didn’t contribute a single thing towards the downfall of their marriage. Congratulations!
Mine wasn't angry with me bttrfly, only chronically dissatisfied with life. His inability to be happy manifested in many ways unrelated to me: - constantly planning his next big adventure because he'd get depressed without something to focus on in the future - getting in trouble at work because he couldn't be satisfied with his great career and his great job with exceptionally good hours for a surgical specialty and good money and national prestige, and because following the rules was beneath him. They even sent him to anger management once. - constantly remodeling, even things that didn't need it (this has been even more of an issue since the divorce, when he has remodeled a single room with bath 3 times that I know of in ten years. Not redecorated, remodeled).
I contributed a LOT to him staying relatively sane and happy during our years together - I doubt he could have been married to anyone else for 24 years as successfully. But his inability to be satisfied also led to cheating, some of which I had no clue about at the time but that seems pretty clear now.
And bttrfly, if he never wanted the divorce then I guess he shouldn't have carried on a years long affair behind your back, should he? You didn't cause that. He was probably just mad because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and you ruined that when you figured out he was having an affair. Poor baby - he had CONSEQUENCES! And he didn't want CONSEQUENCES!
well, i knew he was "dating" but i had no idea she was the AP and still in the picture until 5 YEARS LATER.
My son knew immediately, kept it to himself and it's caused some serious damage to his psyche, as you know KML. I mean, exh was kissing me and telling me he loved me all the while.
What's most interesting to me is that he did EXACTLY what his mother did in his parents' marriage: cheated, left with no recourse or willingness to go to MC. What's REALLY interesting is that his mother has behaved since in a manner which has left all of us thinking that she never intended for the marriage to end, just for her to manipulate her husband so she would have "hand" from then on in the relationship. In her case it backfired.
It also seems from things exh has said and done that he possibly didn't expect it to go so far in our case either. I stopped the ILYs cold after our home sold. Something inside of me really broke at that point, and I wasn't so sure how much I wanted to stand, especially since I started to suspect that the whole thing was a massive manipulation. I don't tolerate being manipulated, as my mom did that a lot during my childhood. So I stopped the ILYs and held some firm boundaries which probably ticked him off. Our biggest problem, honestly, in hindsight was a power struggle between us. Oh, for a man who isn't threatened by a strong woman.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Well K that’s fantastic that you are the first person maybe in history that didn’t contribute a single thing towards the downfall of their marriage. Congratulations!
Not sure if you’re the person to ask LH but I honestly do not know. Would this be narcissistic behavior - someone believing they contributed nothing towards the downfall of their marriage?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Well K that’s fantastic that you are the first person maybe in history that didn’t contribute a single thing towards the downfall of their marriage. Congratulations!
Not sure if you’re the person to ask LH but I honestly do not know. Would this be narcissistic behavior - someone believing they contributed nothing towards the downfall of their marriage?
Don I don’t feel comfortable answering this question do to some recent events but I believe there is a saying about ducks that may assist you in your quest for information.
Our biggest problem, honestly, in hindsight was a power struggle between us. Oh, for a man who isn't threatened by a strong woman.
Bttrfly, can you really call it a power struggle when you are just being a normal human being with agency and he's a jerk who wants more than 50% of the power in the relationship just because he's "the man"? Unfortunately there are many weak men like that. Even today.
I'll say though, I haven't found it to be as big an issue in my post-divorce dating life as it was when I was in my twenties. Whether the times have changed a bit, or whether mature single men in their 40's - 60's have started to see that damsels in distress are a drag, or that my radar for picking men who aren't put off by strength and intelligence in a woman is better now - not sure.
On a completely different note - Mr. Big Lots got married! I'm so surprised - he was such a died in the wool Love Avoidant! (So much so that after I broke up with him, and he wanted date me again, I made him read an article about Love Avoidants. He showed it to his mother and she said "Yup! That's you!". ) She looks like a lovely woman and he looks happy - heck, he even changed his FB status to "Married" as soon as he announced their surprise destination wedding (not a surprise to his family who were there, I don't think, just not announced to his friends in advance). So that's a good sign and I hope it works out well for them!
