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bttrfly Offline OP
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Ok, here goes:


I'll ask what has become a burning question in my mind: Isn't this entire website - the content and the user community areas - based upon MWD's philosophy of trying to SAVE marriages - Divorce BUSTING, hello! - vs encouraging people to leave their spouses?

Seems that there's a few who do not subscribe to that philosophy, insist on posting exactly the opposite in terms of support on forums NOT related to WAS, and then say those of us who DO subscribe to the DB philosophy are wrong or are encouraging people to accept abuse.

I find it confusing at best ... and I've been here a while. I hate to think of what that message does to a newcomer. Don't we people who are no longer in the deep throes of BD/Separation/Divorce have an obligation to help the new people who came to a divorce BUSTING site in hopes of saving their marriages learn some tools which may help them do just that? And when I say help, I mean pass along things from MWD's books/philosophy or our own experiences in what's helped smooth relations with our spouses/exes.

Anyway, it's bothered me for a while and I'm very confused by it all, especially when it continues to be glossed over, ignored and/or God forbid someone calls someone else out on it! Again, this is my opinion, this is not to troll or to invite discussion supporting WAS ... In fact, I ask politely that anyone espousing WAS support please go to the WAS section of the forums, as my question is quite specifically about Divorce BUSTING.

Shields up ... Have at it


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

If we don't look into the darkness we won't find the light.

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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BF I hear what you are saying. We have posters telling LBS their Ws are entitled to go out find good sex if he can’t deliver.


M:51 W:46
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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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This is not a divorce busting site any longer and has not been for quite some time. It was when I joined but not anymore. Sad really because this place helped me immensely back in the day. It gave me a shot reconciliation even… now it’s just a journal fest which I don’t understand because there are plenty of other forums for that kind of thing. This place was supposed to be about building strong healthy relationships…. That is long long gone.

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bttrfly Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
BF I hear what you are saying. We have posters telling LBS their Ws are entitled to go out find good sex if he can’t deliver.
yeah, I'm not understanding how that's ok. Ever. Especially on a DB site. Way to confuse the newcomer. Way to hurt them beyond measure, when they are here for support. I just do not get how that's even something someone would think is acceptable to say. But, I've been employing the "ignore that user" button for a while with that particular poster. And I've also said more than once that I think his views belong on the WW section of the boards. Problem is, that section gets so little traffic the audience is quite a bit thinner over there, and my belief (my thread, my belief) is that he likes more of an audience.

But I'm also saddened that your sitch was thrown at you and weaponized. I think it hits a deep nerve for me because I was married to someone for a very long time, more than half my life, who delighted in throwing painful things at me as a tactic to win his points rather than address the issue at hand, so I am far more sensitive to that than maybe others are.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

If we don't look into the darkness we won't find the light.

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Originally Posted by pinn
This is not a divorce busting site any longer and has not been for quite some time. It was when I joined but not anymore. Sad really because this place helped me immensely back in the day. It gave me a shot reconciliation even… now it’s just a journal fest which I don’t understand because there are plenty of other forums for that kind of thing. This place was supposed to be about building strong healthy relationships…. That is long long gone.
Pinn I've really missed your posts.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

If we don't look into the darkness we won't find the light.

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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bttrfly Offline OP
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I was not able to DB my divorce but not for lack of trying and not for lack of support in that endeavor from the wonderful vets here. I still find that on the MLC side of the boards, which is where I like to hang and offer what little I have to share in hopes it will help someone.

Post D I came to this side of the boards to try to see what others were doing as I entered this strange new world of being single for the first time in well over 2 decades. I've learned a lot, mostly what doesn't work for me. Still trying to figure out what does work for me, but have to say I feel most at home on the MLC side trying to help others and posting about some things which I still struggle with in relation to my marriage, exh's MLC and subsequent behavior, and how it affects our son and impacts my life as I try to heal from it all.

I don't spend a lot of time on the Newcomers side because it's raw and painful to read, but I will pop in from time to time there if I feel I have something to offer that will help give someone hope in their situation.

As someone else pointed out on another thread - all we can really do is heal ourselves, and maybe our errant spouses will tag along and get their own help as they watch us moving forward. Hard to learn that when we all want our families to be whole.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

If we don't look into the darkness we won't find the light.

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,170
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Originally Posted by LH19
BF I hear what you are saying. We have posters telling LBS their Ws are entitled to go out find good sex if he can’t deliver.
yeah, I'm not understanding how that's ok. Ever. Especially on a DB site. Way to confuse the newcomer. Way to hurt them beyond measure, when they are here for support. I just do not get how that's even something someone would think is acceptable to say. But, I've been employing the "ignore that user" button for a while with that particular poster. And I've also said more than once that I think his views belong on the WW section of the boards. Problem is, that section gets so little traffic the audience is quite a bit thinner over there, and my belief (my thread, my belief) is that he likes more of an audience.

But I'm also saddened that your sitch was thrown at you and weaponized. I think it hits a deep nerve for me because I was married to someone for a very long time, more than half my life, who delighted in throwing painful things at me as a tactic to win his points rather than address the issue at hand, so I am far more sensitive to that than maybe others are.
It’s cool BF I’m not going to run from the mistakes I made. I can handle her just kinda lame that she mutes me then attacks me. Yeah I definitely wish he went to the WW section for his empathy.


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Good Morning bttrfly

I hear you. And agree.

I do at times wonder what it would have been like to stumble into such non divorce busting comments when I was freshly dumped. That would have been incredibly painful. I’d have not remained in that vipers nest. Or worse, I would have.

I’ve not commented on the latest that produced such a hurricane of posts over here. Something like 80 posts in a couple of days. I’m aghast at some particular views, and decided to remain out of it. There are already plenty of good wise messages going seemingly unheard and unheeded.

Most definitely something that makes one go hmmmm.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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There are marriages that should be saved, marriages that can be saved, and marriages that should not be saved.

There is a fine line sometimes between trying to save your marriage, and being a victim of gaslighting and abuse. Also some times a fine line between codependency and standing.

Coming from a Catholic background, I can respect those who want to keep their vows - but that doesn't mean they should be standing around waiting for the cheater to come home. If they want to be celibate the rest of their life while their ex is off living theirs with someone else, and are comfortable with that decision, then that's their choice.

I think however most people come to recognize that infidelity is a form of abuse, and in many cases we come to realize that we are better off without that person in our lives. I say that as someone who successfully "DB'd' my partner into a reconciliation, only to have him repeat offend years later. In retrospect I was incredibly naive, and doing way too much of the emotional work in the marriage.

People who have children, a long marriage, and think this is a momentary lapse should usually try to save their marriage. I still don't believe that all infidelity is a dealbreaker. Others, who are very early in a marriage, or have a spouse who carried on a long term affair, lying to their face every day for months or years, seldom should. That speaks to the character of their spouses.

Either way, this site has been mostly helpful for supporting people in their personal growth through this process. Truly saved marriages are pretty few.

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As usual, bttrfly, you put my own thoughts into just the right words. I happened across this site just shortly after BD and honestly, it was helpful to me, though I was not able to save my marriage. I learned to detach and GAL quickly and it helped me process, heal, move forward. In retrospect, I don't think my marriage could've been or was really meant to be saved. My XH is a decent man, but he's had attachment issues from his childhood and until he gets that all worked out in his own mind, I don't know that he can have a successful marriage. I mean, I hope he does with his current wife, but who knows? Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Kml, you say you don't believe all infidelity is a dealbreaker, but I do. I didn't know or even suspect that my XH was cheating on me, but if I had known I would've asked for the divorce before he got a chance to. There have been LOTS of posts lately about what are dealbreakers for people and that is one for me. Clearly you don't feel the same and that is fine.

I will always be grateful to the posters who reached out to me in those initial posts and offered me advice, comfort, support, and 2x4s when needed. I come to this side of the board because there are a handful of you that, even though we have never met in person, I think of us as friends. It saddens me that we can't sometimes all get along, but then again, as I always say myself, we are all different. Different strokes for different folks.....................


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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