I just want to clarify that this is what I posted. My assumption is it ruffles K's knickers because it doesn't play along with her "she did nothing wrong" narrative.
"I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve the resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists."
But I have come to believe more and more that a cheater who carries on a long-term affair is abusing their spouse and revealing a character defect that is not compatible with a good marriage. It's the act of lying repeatedly to your spouse, directly or through omission, making a fool of them, that to me is the dealbreaker. Even worse when they gaslight the innocent spouse, as so many do, into thinking it is somehow their fault. The ONLY person whose fault the cheating is, is the cheater. People who are unhappy can do the right thing and get divorced first, then date.
I've never been cheated on, and I get we never know our true boundaries until that happens, but I agree I don't see all affairs as dealbreakers. 1) I didn't consider my XW to be "cheating" when she slept with others after we moved out and I announced my intentions to divorce. 2) I wouldn't consider sleeping with others cheating in an open relationship, 3) I think I could forgive a one-time affair if the outcome wasn't super predictable based on the circumstances they entered into.
Funny meme today: “I just got called “hot”. Actually, the full statement was “you’re one big hot mess” but I’m only focusing on the positive today. Lolol
Nice belated Mother's Day/ birthday visit with my kids yesterday, we took a nice walk on the beach and got some nice pictures with the younger two (oldest was asleep by then, works graveyards).
Youngest son, the one who broke up with his girlfriend of a few months recently, was telling us more about the fallout. Even though he broke up with her as nicely as he could, she unleashed a torrent of bile on him. (Among other more vile things, she called him an Unhinged White Guy, which I think will be the name of my next punk band!). Of course, her unleashing the crazy has just made him more sure about his decision. He feels bad that she was hurt but he could see their relationship wasn't going to go anywhere, they couldn't resolve their arguments in a healthy way and now we can see why. I'm proud of him for making a healthy decision and not taking the bait when she insults him.
I made the delicious Guava Cake again and it is SO GOOD. I highly recommend looking up a recipe for it on the internet if you like to bake. It's best made the day before. It's a layer of cake, topped with a layer of cream cheese, sugar, vanilla and whipped cream, then that is topped with a layer of gel made from guava nectar. SOOO yummy, and actually not too overly sweet. My favorite cake ever. And easily made gluten free if you just use a GF cake mix for the base.
Sounds like your son made a wise choice to pull back from the relationship. Communication is SO important in a relationship and not being able to settle arguments in a healthy way would be tough for me. Calling him an "unhinged white guy" just seems out there, but I know a lot of people "fight" that way and I just don't get it. Interestingly, Sparky and I were just talking about how people fight yesterday because he said his mother had asked him if we ever fight. We've had disagreements that we talked through, but we have never had a huge, blow-out fight. Apparently his mom and dad fought a lot and to hear Sparky's version, it is because his mother was just downright unreasonable about everything and would just push and push and push until his dad couldn't take it anymore then he'd blow up. I suspect Sparky is a lot like that. I can definitely see where his mom would be a button pusher because she does it to Sparky. The difference is that Sparky and I talk through things and we NEVER get nasty. Apparently his mom is one of those bile unleashers when she's upset (and I have witnessed it toward him) like your son's xgf. I have just never been that way. Like I said, Sparky and I disagree but I would NEVER call him a name. That was part of our conversation...I might jokingly call him an a-hole or more likely a smart a$$ (both of which he readily admits to being), but I would never do it in the heat of argument when it could be taken in a harmful way. His mom is just astounded that we don't fight, but we're both older and have honed our communication skills so it isn't necessary for us to argue much. We can disagree and talk about what we disagree about in a respectful and civilized manner.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yes, I'm proud of him for recognizing their pattern wasn't healthy and he wasn't able to change it on his own - now we have a better idea of why. He didn't feel it was fair to keep dating her if he didn't see their way to a long term relationship, and I'm proud of him for recognizing that too.
Funny side story - recently he was hanging out at a local place with his dog and with a guy friend and three women approached him (the dog is a major chick magnet) one of whom it turned out my son knew slightly from years ago. One of her friends decided she liked my son and they had a nice time talking together. Finds out later that his guy friend and this woman had just matched on Tinder that afternoon lol (just a match, they weren't meeting up for a date or anything). My son did not mean to steal her out from under his friends' nose!
Wow - just watched a very good documentary on Netflix - Wormwood. About that case in the 50's where an American scientist died by jumping out a window after being dosed with LSD in a government experiment - except that's not actually what happened at all. Fascinating story but also a very well done documentary about his son's search for the truth.
Another recommendation for TV watching, if you have HBO Max - the new series of the Time Traveler's Wife. I much prefer it over the Rachel McAdams movie version. The first episode incorporates a lot of the beautiful writing from the book. It's really a meditation on relationships.
Middle son texted me yesterday about a financial request. It's something that may help him with his medical condition, and so I want to help him. But it's yet another example of where his father is a cheap jerk who is so unlikely to help with the expense that son doesn't even want to contact him, or allow me to contact him. Which leaves me, of course, to foot the entire bill, which I can do, but only by postponing certain minor house repairs and keeping my own budget very tight. Just another way in which my ex is still sticking it to me financially. It would be much easier for me to cover half of this expense rather than the whole. But it is what it is. GRRRRR.
Had a little pleasant text chat with the first guy I dated after my ex left. (He's the one who broke up with me to date his old high school love, and is still with her - sort of. In a Love Avoidant way where they live 10 hours apart and she comes to visit him occasionally). We are still friends and stay slightly in touch.
We reminisced a bit about our time together and it's nice to know he still remembers it fondly. I just couldn't compete with the nostalgia of his old love. It did get me to thinking, though, how would my life have turned out if she hadn't shown up? Would I have stayed in that relationship - he was darned sexy and intellectually compatible - or would I have left eventually because at some point I would have wanted more than he offered? I suspect the latter, although a long distance relationship like that doesn't look so bad to me anymore. He's one of two guys I dated since my divorce who were the most compatible - with the glaring exception that neither of them were really available for a real relationship, Love Avoidants both. Sigh.
CMM had his issues - several of them - but he loved me deeply and was not the least bit avoidant. Guess at this age you can't have everything.
