You really - REALLY - don't want to share a duplex with her when you're divorced.
I can only imagine the complications, hearing each other having sex with your new loves through the walls. Nope!
As for the marriage - sounds like you're done. And sounds like she never really was what you hoped for in a marriage. That being said - this may just be a case where the two of you aren't a fit. She has every right to be unsatisfied with a marginal sex life. You have every right to be unsatisfied with a relationship that feels so fraught that you're not very interested in sex with her. You each wanted the other to change.
With that in mind - what can you do to ensure this divorce is smooth and fair, not adversarial?
You really - REALLY - don't want to share a duplex with her when you're divorced.
No I do not want a duplex, and neither does W. It was more of a pragmatic investigation for wealth growth, but fortunately we don't have the finances. Emotionally, there is no way both of us could survive the build process, it's stressful enough in a healthy relationship.
Originally Posted by kml
As for the marriage - sounds like you're done. And sounds like she never really was what you hoped for in a marriage. That being said - this may just be a case where the two of you aren't a fit. She has every right to be unsatisfied with a marginal sex life. You have every right to be unsatisfied with a relationship that feels so fraught that you're not very interested in sex with her. You each wanted the other to change.
As each day goes, more and more I admit to myself the relationship is over, and that it really never started. There were issues showing from the dating days, before we moved in. And if she came crawling back, I know I'd say no. We both have crossed too many red lines.
I feel a bit more excited about the new possibilities, and the strong desire for a wholesome relationship. DB keeps the sanity during this transition, for sure.
Originally Posted by kml
With that in mind - what can you do to ensure this divorce is smooth and fair, not adversarial?
The divorce so far is going smooth, it's not adversarial. She, with passive aggressive comments, has respected my email boundary. And I have an L visit next week to see where I stand. I don't see W doing the due diligence required. Which is odd because to be legally binding, it must be presented and signed by L. I've thought about putting it back on her since she started it, but now I don't see any point in that. After L, I'll just end up asking her a few questions, and then present something.
It's our wedding anniversary and Mothers day coming up. I know she said there is a card and a book on attachment coming my way (A bit too late for the book IMHO). I don't know is if it was thought out pre-BD or post. I'm going to say pre-BD with foreknowledge that BD was coming. I'm wondering, what do I get in return? I've seen some comments about nothing. But knowing there is something coming my way, and we both were so apathetic last year, we didn't do anything, and so close to BD . . .
For Mothers Day, I'm assuming a card with a picture of the kids and something along the lines of "look at the great thing we did"
Lol. I knew you weren’t done. Get her a mushy card telling her how much you lover lol. JK. Nah don’t get her anything. Anniversary’s are the celebration of marriage not divorce. Getting her a card IMO will make you look weak.
Take the kids to pick out a gift and card and have the kids sign it. No passive aggressive comments necessary.
Begs the question on reaction when she gives a card. Since she walked away, I'm thinking that I should reject it and statecthat its inappropriate since you terminated our marriage.
Hey Josh, it really isn't about what anyone else would do as much as what is good DBing, and what is right for your situation.
I would probably take the card for your anniversary and just say a simple "Happy Anniversary". And then walk away. I never had to face our anniversary in our situation. We were in the beginning of Ring and piecing for our anniversary so I got her a bronze garden statue of her college mascot. Something personal but NOT romantic. I think we did do dinner, but remember we were in Ring and piecing by then.
Valentine's day did fall in the middle of my situation, so I got her a spa day gift certificate for her and my daughter to go spend a day at the spa. Again, personal, but NOT romantic. A simple note accompanied it stating Happy V-day to (my W's name) and (my daughter's name).
For Mother's Day, remember she isn't your mother. SO get her a card and gift from the kids. Do not make it about you and her. Make it about her and the kids.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Once again, Steve and LH are right on the money. Getting her anything is a weak ass move. Just because she got you something, why do you have to get something back? Is it because you’re afraid she’ll be pissed? Stop living in fear.
I would say thanks in a friendly way, throw it on the kitchen bench (do NOT open it in front of her) and then make an excuse and leave without opening it. Go for a bike ride, out for beers, gym, a book club…. ANYTHING!
Even better power move would be never to open it, but I accept very few DBers have that level of detachment and commitment to DB.
This is a great 180 for you. What would old, weak Josh do vs. what would Chuck Norris do!
For Mothers Day, I'm assuming a card with a picture of the kids and something along the lines of "look at the great thing we did"
A card or small gift the kids can give her is appropriate. Definitely leave out the "look at the great thing we did". Comes across as a manipulation trying to get her to reflect on the good times. Drop any attempt to reminisce which pressures her about the situation. Like LH & SteveLW say...
Originally Posted by LH19
Take the kids to pick out a gift and card and have the kids sign it. No passive aggressive comments necessary.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
For Mother's Day, remember she isn't your mother. smile SO get her a card and gift from the kids. Do not make it about you and her. Make it about her and the kids.
As for the Anniversary...don't acknolewdge on your own. Don't get her anything or plan any dates or prep any emotional pleas. IF she brings it up or gives you something as you're speculating...
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Begs the question on reaction when she gives a card. Since she walked away, I'm thinking that I should reject it and state that its inappropriate since you terminated our marriage.
Reject it? No. You don't want to cause friction or come across as harsh. I like LH's take...
Originally Posted by LH19
Nah accept and thank her and then say “sorry gotta run”
Remember to smile and be cheerful when you say thanks and give her a clever look when you say "I'm heading out". Make her wonder.
Josh_T - It's a balance. You don't want to pursue and pressure and get emotional and plea but you also don't want to be harsh and mean either. Think light, upbeat, cheery...go on like you're happy with life excited to go out and have fun. If you're not there yet then "fake it till you make it" but the goal is to actually feel like that in real life.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
SO get her a card and gift from the kids. Do not make it about you and her. Make it about her and the kids.