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PeterB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Kind18
I feel that you don’t appreciate how abusive this person is.

Yes, you are right. I am afraid to even admit it properly and accept it. When I did realize a bit last year it sent me into depression.

Originally Posted by Kind18
While you applied DB principles very well and she has wobbled somewhat, she still knows she has you in her back pocket, and I don’t think a reconciliation with this person is a good idea.

Yes, I think she still feels she has me in her pocket. However, that is not with a high level of certainty. She does think that I have put myself in a state where I'll be fine without her and that bothers her (she told me so). In reality, I am worried about both ends - post-divorce and post-reconciliation.

Originally Posted by Kind18
Just my 2c. IHS is brutally difficult, and it’s going to wear you down emotionally very quickly.

Yes it is. I'm hanging on. Trying to be positive - treating this as a gift of time.

Originally Posted by Kind18
Did you kick her out of the bedroom? Time to start making some power moves.

No, mainly because I am very wary of introducing too much of a change to my son's routine. They sleep together in the MB and if she moves out then it could impact him in unknown ways. I sleep in a different bedroom.

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Trying to get there. She herself says she wants to stop and then she tries to seduce me in various ways.

That’s BS. Either you’ve stopped or you haven’t. Who cares what she tries to do. IMHO you need to respond with some conviction.

Yeah trying to keep the drill holstered. Seems to be working atm.

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PB, how are things going?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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PeterB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
PB, how are things going?

My GAL activities are on track. In a few weeks I have a solo outing for a few days. She has been "normal" - no flare-ups since May 31st.

A new situation has come up. A family member of hers has had a good career achievement. This family member, who is in her current support system, and knew about her A all along, had tried to manipulate me after BD (pretending to help but was actually trying to groom me so that D process and post-D life is just as she would have wanted) and also talked [censored] about me to someone important.

It is unusual that she has told me about the achievement. Knowing her, I am sure she wants me to congratulate that family member, although she has not told me that directly. Should I go ahead and congratulate in a word or two? Otoh, she has been shitting on my family members because they have kept away from this entire sitch.

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I would not go out of my way to do so, because for me, it would not be genuine to go out of my way express joy for the successes of someone I at best feel neutral about.

If someone else were toasting, I would probably raise a glass.

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I’m not going to tell you WHAT to do. Consider the long term.
My FIL stayed out or rather was left out of almost everything when my sitch went down.
Me and FIL were always relatively close during the relationship.
Now, we almost never talk. Haven’t messaged or spoke to him in almost a years time. Except for saying merry Christmas.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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My personal opinion is do not go out of your way to reach out to congratulate the family member. If you were in a situation in which you and that person were present and the topic came up a mannerly "congrats" would be appropriate, but there's no need to artificially reach out to someone you know has been deceitful.

I tried to "play nice" / "pretend nothing was going on" with my ExW and her family during IHS and a lot of good that did. Looking back it would've probably been better just to be straightforward and honest about the situation.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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PeterB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BL42
My personal opinion is do not go out of your way to reach out to congratulate the family member. If you were in a situation in which you and that person were present and the topic came up a mannerly "congrats" would be appropriate, but there's no need to artificially reach out to someone you know has been deceitful.

I tried to "play nice" / "pretend nothing was going on" with my ExW and her family during IHS and a lot of good that did. Looking back it would've probably been better just to be straightforward and honest about the situation.

I have stopped communicating with them completely actually. What did you mean by "and a lot of good that did"? What kind of good or bad?

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PeterB Offline OP
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You might have been sarcastic there smile. My bad.

The family member lives very far away btw. No chance of meeting in person.

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PeterB,
Originally Posted by PeterB
I have stopped communicating with them completely actually. What did you mean by "and a lot of good that did"? What kind of good or bad?
Originally Posted by PeterB
You might have been sarcastic there smile. My bad.
Just meant I ended up in divorced anyway so "playing nice" and "pretending" didn't help. Honestly, I'm not sure it impacted the end result either way - that was probably already determined.

As an example, post-BD and during IHS my now-ExW would invite my parents over for Sunday dinner and cook a great meal. My parents and I knew she was having an affair. In fact, I knew from snooping she was just doing it to "keep the peace" while being mean and vicious behind my/our backs in communications with AP and her friends/family. However, she didn't know we knew. She was putting on a fake face with the dinner invites and my parents and I were pretending out of fear in hopes to keep the family together. Both sides were being fake. In the end the same result happened regardless. With hindsight, it probably would've been better to stand up and say "I know what you're doing. I'm not interested in family dinner while you're doing that.", if not a different result at least for my confidence and reclaiming my power.

Now, that's different than saying "congrats" or not for a job - just an example to demonstrate why you shouldn't "fake it" and try to "nice them back". I think you're right not to engage her family, especially the ones who are being deceitful.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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PeterB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by BL42
PeterB,
Originally Posted by PeterB
I have stopped communicating with them completely actually. What did you mean by "and a lot of good that did"? What kind of good or bad?
Originally Posted by PeterB
You might have been sarcastic there smile. My bad.
Just meant I ended up in divorced anyway so "playing nice" and "pretending" didn't help. Honestly, I'm not sure it impacted the end result either way - that was probably already determined.

As an example, post-BD and during IHS my now-ExW would invite my parents over for Sunday dinner and cook a great meal. My parents and I knew she was having an affair. In fact, I knew from snooping she was just doing it to "keep the peace" while being mean and vicious behind my/our backs in communications with AP and her friends/family. However, she didn't know we knew. She was putting on a fake face with the dinner invites and my parents and I were pretending out of fear in hopes to keep the family together. Both sides were being fake. In the end the same result happened regardless. With hindsight, it probably would've been better to stand up and say "I know what you're doing. I'm not interested in family dinner while you're doing that.", if not a different result at least for my confidence and reclaiming my power.

Now, that's different than saying "congrats" or not for a job - just an example to demonstrate why you shouldn't "fake it" and try to "nice them back". I think you're right not to engage her family, especially the ones who are being deceitful.

My family does not interact with her or her family anymore. I asked them not to and they agree, for the reason you mentioned: cannot give the impression that nothing is wrong. Also, I know she will cause a major incident by going after my parents and me if and when she talks to them. This is a guarantee. There is everything wrong about what she has done. We know they know about her affair. So being nice to them only panders to their behavior. After BD they actually told my parents that even if D happens, the relationship between them and between my parents and my WW should be as before. It's preposterous. Their daughter has an extramarital affair and is about to victimize an autistic toddler and they expect my family to treat it as if its nothing. When WW talks to her parents on the phone, it's as if nothing happened. They talk/gossip about everything in their lives except the situation at our home.

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