Deep down, I know MR is finished. Why would I want this W back who has left me 3x now?
Yes--then the marriage is finished for now. The DB approach, "I don't want this divorce, but I won't stand in your way" assumes a desire to save the marriage, whereas you've sounded ambivalent. I get this is the third time you've been at this rodeo, and you feel she's disrespected you throughout the marriage. I would work on burning through that resentment in IC because holding in those feelings don't help anyone, and working on owning and 180'ing any desire to handle conflicts by withholding sex. Those will help whether you R or not.
Originally Posted by Josh
looking at International flights (to visit ex lover I suspect.
Makes sense? You're throwing in the towel. She deserves pursuing sexual satisfaction and happiness.
Originally Posted by Josh
I hope she doesn't expect me to take time off to look after the kids, because I stupidly did post BD
If you're done, her hopes and expectations, her reasons for asking you to watch the kids don't matter, because when you detach her feelings don't enter the calculus anymore. Do you want more time with your kids? Can you be free? My answer would be an enthusiastic "Yes!" I would ask her to cover any childcare costs during my work hours.
Yes--the marriage is finished for now. The DB approach, "I don't want this divorce, but I won't stand in your way" assumes a desire to save the marriage, whereas you've sounded ambivalent. I get this is the third time you've been at this rodeo, and you feel she's disrespected you throughout the marriage.
I desire, but it's not realistic, since she blatantly doesn't want to work on M. You are correct about ambivalence. If I wasn't, I'd have either put in way more effort over the years, or ended it myself much earlier on.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Josh
I hope she doesn't expect me to take time off to look after the kids, because I stupidly did post BD
If you're done, her hopes and expectations, her reasons for asking you to watch the kids don't matter, because when you detach her feelings don't enter the calculus anymore. Do you want more time with your kids? Can you be free? My answer would be an enthusiastic "Yes!" I would ask her to cover any childcare costs during my work hours.
Wow, again, I never really thought of it that way. You are right. Why would I turn down more kid time?
It's comments like this that solidify my stance that marriage is a joke.
You're welcome to your view. To me, marriage is special and meaningful. I've loved and lost, I've married and lost. Would that they endured, but my heart isn't bitter. I value the good moments that I enjoyed and look forward to the next ones in my future.
But I would be careful assuming she will never want to R again. My WW was well down all of those paths as well before a fairly quick turnaround. It can happen.
Funny that. On more than one occasion she floated the idea of LAT since it removed domesticity. And she also suggested over the years, when she vocally said she wants to leave, she could see a time where post D she could fall for me again. Problem is 3x bombed, that feels like cake eating.
Cake eating is when doesn't want to be married or be a couple, but wants to play house and get the benefits from you of being married and being a couple. We see this all the time. Where when the chips are down and they need someone to be there, to fix something, to help them, they still call the LBS for that. (This can even be wanting sex!) I certainly think LAT falls into that category!
But many WASs have left, realized they made a mistake, and even after D decided they made a mistake. That can lead to a real R IF, IF the LBS is open to it. Most have moved on from it at that point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I sound like I am, and I'm probably almost there, but its more about accepting the moment.
Certainly within your power to do! And being BD twice by her no one would blame you. However, it would probably get tested by her pretty quickly. As soon as she felt you were not only okay with the D, but actually wanted it, she would probably start hedging! We've seen that a lot in these situations! (Though admittedly some of them just do that to try to get the LBS back on the hook.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Let's see how it goes. My head is much clearer now, thanks to everyone here. So far nothing on D is concrete, just talk, and her absorption in cleaning the house and "throwing" junk out. Serious comes when the house is sold.
In the meantime, more mysterious outings and behaviors are on the table...
