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Originally Posted by BL42
Josh_T - I'll be honest. I'm seeing a whole lot of you analyzing your W, mind reading what she thinks and what she feels and what she needs to realize. And I've only pulled a few examples above. It comes across as a bit bitter (understandable considering the impending D) and a bit controlling. Try to take your focus off of what you think she should think and feel and do and onto what's best for you to address your shortcomings and make yourself a better man and improve your own path in life.

You are right. Let me focus on myself and my shortcomings and my own path in life.

Apparently the real estate agent is popping over on Saturday.

I'm from Australia.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
You are right. Let me focus on myself and my shortcomings and my own path in life.
Good attitude. I don't blame you for those thoughts - I've certainly had similar ones - but they also don't serve to help you detach, move forward, and improve your life.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
Apparently the real estate agent is popping over on Saturday.
Do you want to sell the house? I don't know the laws where you are, but I'd imagine you're not required to just because W is engaging a realtor, especially if no formal agreement / D proceedings have occurred.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
I'm from Australia.
You're in good company. Several here are from Australia. Perhaps OnlyBent or others will have some country-specific advice for you.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Apparently the real estate agent is popping over on Saturday.
Do you want to sell the house? I don't know the laws where you are, but I'd imagine you're not required to just because W is engaging a realtor, especially if no formal agreement / D proceedings have occurred.

No, I don't want to sell, I love the house. It's my dream house on the beach. But there is no financial way for W to move on if it doesn't. There is also no way for anyone of us to buy it out from the other. If I block, I feel I'd just be getting her more angry and resentful. At the same time, it's off market. It might take a while. And only when there is a compelling offer, do we have to face the music of a contract, agent agreement, etc.

W now wants a regular weekly catch up organised. I'm assuming to discuss progress on things. I'm not sure how I feel about that because it could easily turn into a forum for her to pressure things along. She SMSs "Lets try to find a good time to have a regular weekly catch up. Like for the next 18 year. LoL Maybe for now a weekend afternoon? We can chat about anything that happened, anything outstanding :)"


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
No, I don't want to sell, I love the house. It's my dream house on the beach.
Then personally I wouldn't commit to anything at this point, including signing on with a realtor.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
But there is no financial way for W to move on if it doesn't.
That sounds like her problem, not yours.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
There is also no way for anyone of us to buy it out from the other.
If you can't afford to buy out that's one thing, but have you explored options like a second mortgage or balance the equity off with other assets or work out a payment plan to her over the years? Food for thought.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
If I block, I feel I'd just be getting her more angry and resentful.
You have to worry about what's in your best interest now, not hers. Don't make decisions based out of fear of what may or may not get her upset. Stand up for yourself and what you want; don't allow fear of her reaction bully you.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
At the same time, it's off market. It might take a while. And only when there is a compelling offer, do we have to face the music of a contract, agent agreement, etc.
Or you might get an offer next week. Don't be pressured into any commitment unless you've really taken time to consider it and deem it your best option.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
W now wants a regular weekly catch up organised.
Good for her. What do you want? She doesn't get to dictate how you interact with her.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
She SMSs "Lets try to find a good time to have a regular weekly catch up. Like for the next 18 year. LoL Maybe for now a weekend afternoon? We can chat about anything that happened, anything outstanding :)"
"I'd prefer to communicate via email going forward."


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by kml
I haven't read all of your thread, I see she had a previous bomb drop in 2018. Which leads me to ask - how confident are you that she was faithful in between 2018 and today's AP? Are you positive your 1 year old is your biological daughter?

lol, yes. I've been fixed, it was IVF.

Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Josh_T
No, I don't want to sell, I love the house. It's my dream house on the beach.
Then personally I wouldn't commit to anything at this point, including signing on with a realtor.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
But there is no financial way for W to move on if it doesn't.
That sounds like her problem, not yours.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
If I block, I feel I'd just be getting her more angry and resentful.
You have to worry about what's in your best interest now, not hers. Don't make decisions based out of fear of what may or may not get her upset. Stand up for yourself and what you want; don't allow fear of her reaction bully you.
What to others think? A few replies back, someone said I'd just create a caged animal full of resentment if I block. Another says embrace the divorce, which means I accept selling with gusto. Lastly, would it seem manipulative if I said selling is not in the best interest of the kids? Which it is not, it will disrupt their lives.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
lol, yes. I've been fixed, it was IVF.
So you two purposefully planned out a third baby between BD 3 years ago and current BD? That's a tight window. I know several couples who have gone through IVF and it's quite the undertaking. I wonder if you both were completely convinced the marriage would work, or if one or both of you had reservations?

Originally Posted by Josh_T
What to others think? A few replies back, someone said I'd just create a caged animal full of resentment if I block. Another says embrace the divorce, which means I accept selling with gusto. Lastly, would it seem manipulative if I said selling is not in the best interest of the kids? Which it is not, it will disrupt their lives.
Others can chime in but to clarify I was referring specifically to the sale of the house as part of a financial settlement/negotiation, not suggesting you "block" the divorce, which although I don't know Australia law I doubt you can do. If she wants it she'll get it (at least in the US). But the house is a financial asset needing to be addressed as part of the D settlement, which is up for negotiation. I just meant don't be pressured into using a realtor to sell the place at this time as a misguided attempt to avoid making her angry or resentful at you, if you really do want to keep the house in the D.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Josh_T
lol, yes. I've been fixed, it was IVF.
So you two purposefully planned out a third baby between BD 3 years ago and current BD? That's a tight window. I know several couples who have gone through IVF and it's quite the undertaking. I wonder if you both were completely convinced the marriage would work, or if one or both of you had reservations?

Yes, we genuinely wanted it to work and genuinely wanted kids. Whether we bother were convinced, I can't speak for W, but I was.

Here is the response from W on email communication, which was what she asked for yesterday.

"Meetings have a purpose. Face to face communication is useful, do you agree? I can't just use email it's not only very time consuming but also notorious for misunderstanding"


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by Josh_T
lol, yes. I've been fixed, it was IVF.
So you two purposefully planned out a third baby between BD 3 years ago and current BD? That's a tight window. I know several couples who have gone through IVF and it's quite the undertaking. I wonder if you both were completely convinced the marriage would work, or if one or both of you had reservations?

Yes, we genuinely wanted it to work and genuinely wanted kids. Whether we bother were convinced, I can't speak for W, but I was.

Here is the response from W on email communication, which was what she asked for yesterday.

"Meetings have a purpose. Face to face communication is useful, do you agree? I can't just use email it's not only very time consuming but also notorious for misunderstanding"

Let me translate for you:

"I don't want agreements in writing because then I can't go back on them later."


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Josh,

You seem very focused on keeping the peace rather than whats best for you.

Comes across as either weak or Nice Guy Syndrome.

Your WW is in the driving seat at the minute and only you can switch cars and go your own way.

I get a sense that you are scared to annoy her, in case it adds further resentment. Detech and get into the head space that you shouldnt care if she resents you.. Its about working on you - because you can't fix her.

Last edited by MrBrside; 04/28/22 12:39 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Ok Josh T it is time to get real here.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
Um, I know why. She has been complaining about a lack of sex, and I've said it won't happen until there is respect and a connection.
Ok so you want the marriage more than her so unfortunately she is in control. You should have conceded and gave her the sex she was asking for and initiated. The beauty of it all is men typically connect more with their W through having sex. Eventually you both may have been satisfied.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
We were going to hit the subject head on in couples counselling, and even discuss past fears in relationships.
Josh this all sounds great if she is interested in doing this but lets face it she doesn't and it's not sexy. She just wants to get laid and feel desired and sexy.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
It was going to be a very confronting. I genuinely think her ego does not allow her to face her shortcomings.
Welcome to the club Josh. She thinks its you and you think it's her. Guess what? She wins because she doesn't want to address her issues and will D you and move on to someone else.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Maybe it was a co-incidence, I don't know. But thinking over the years of the games, blame, re-framing, gaslighting when there is a conversation about her attitude, the timing does make me wonder.
What's the prize here Josh? She has told you 3 times now you are not good enough.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
What to others think? A few replies back, someone said I'd just create a caged animal full of resentment if I block. Another says embrace the divorce, which means I accept selling with gusto. Lastly, would it seem manipulative if I said selling is not in the best interest of the kids? Which it is not, it will disrupt their lives.
Why would that be manipulative if true? It sounds like you can't afford to keep it so I would sell it ASAP.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
Partly because I'm not interested for emotional reasons, partly because she insists 100% of the time I must initiate which I don't do very often, partly due to sexual disfunction which was since solved, and partly because I'm tired of her criticizing me after every sexual encounter that something was wrong, or not good enough.
That sounds awful Josh. Did you ever try to improve?
Originally Posted by Josh_T
We only learned this recently, but we have a classic pursuer/distancer relationship. My contribution to this is the distancer. We have a habit of a negative destructive behaviors that always seem to manifest. At the end of the day, I don't think we ever had a deep connection since we both can agree the issues started from the day we moved in together. She started getting assertive about how everything has to be her way, challenging it was constant effort and arguments. I didn't have the strength to enforce boundaries. I eventually stopped arguing and withdrew as the Nice Guy. That's the 10K ft view.
Ok you have diagnosed the problem. She is not interested in fixing the problem and wants a D. You can fight it and drag it out as long as possible while she builds more resentment or you can speed up the process and set your caged animal into the wild and go and find a nice woman who you can build a great relationship with moving forward. Your choice.

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