I'm Back after 1st DB

[Ready2Change]

Do not - do NOT - agree to anything financial right now ...I agree with asking her to put in writing whatever it is she is thinking. But don't respond to it

With 3 kids, there will be child support, custody issues, and if you're in a community property state, splitting of assets accumulated during the marriage. If there is a big disparity in your incomes there might also be alimony for 1/2 the length of the marriage. It will be complicated and you definitely want your lawyer's input.

The moment I realized I could no longer trust my then wife, I set a boundary (Before I even heard the term) that our primary communication would be through email. One of the best things I did.

Draft up an email:
"W, I believe it is best that we limit our communication about our divorce to email. That will give each of us time to draw up our thoughts and...bla bla bla"

Then you reduce it down:
"W, I believe it is best that we communicate by email to help move through this process as smoothly as possible."

You can post it here for feedback if you would like, then wait until the next day, read it again and edit if needed and send it.

1) Joint custody of the kids. 50/50 equal and frequent contact with both parents.
2) Child support. There are formulas. Look yours up for your state.
3) Splitting Property- I did this room by room. I started in MY OFFICE. I asked her if there was anything in there she wanted. Big ticket items got a value. Cars and house and IRA's ect. There is a balance sheet. Not all money is the same....consult a financial expert. Tax issues as well.

Keep all three of those as separate issues. Get #1 in place first.


Every time I sent an email, I would text W "Sent you an email". She would do the same.

I had a highly contested custody battle with my X and had 50/50 custody for the 14 years.

Until you have some type of 50/50 parenting agreement, Immerse yourself into your kids bubble, stay out of W's bubble. She can come and go into your bubble while you are with the kids.

Always a work in progress.

[Traveler]

Ready2Change's framework is a good one for divorce logistics.

"Keep all three of those as separate issues." - One caveat, #1 and #2 inter-relate if you or your ex may agree to less than 50% custody. I had primary custody for 10 of 12 years divorced and I've helped other single parents negotiate more than 50% custody. It's shocking to me how many parents will justify giving up multiple days of custody so long as their support payments don't go up and they have a good story to tell families and friends about why they're doing so.

[Ready2Change]

you or your ex may agree to less than 50% custody.

If you get significantly less than 50% and want to work toward 50% then look into "First Right of Refusal". You would be the first one she has to ask to be the "baby sitter" before asking someone else.

[Josh71]

There will be no issues with custody. FWIW, I don't live in the US, by default it's joint custody, and any attempt to change that requires justification and approval from the Family Court. I don't see that a problem. I DO see me being the first one to ask for a "baby sitter". Again, she hasn't thought this through because she plans to move 20 KMs away from her parents, her babysitter options are going to be restricted.

I have now kept the comments on email, and she's already showing anxiety about it through attempting to talk about it. I said I'd get back in a couple of days, and I will. I won't have much to say though LOL, other than clarification and more information.

you embrace the D and act fake it til you make it that you can’t wait to D and move on with your life. That may give her second thoughts.

This is how you behave. It is counter-intuitive.

Yup, and I'm getting my head around it. I still have sleeping problems, but I'm purposely putting on a brave face, smiling, playing with kids, and acting like life is good. Throw in some last minute GAL, and it's OK.

This is a very immature woman who has lost the tingles for you so now she is going to blow up the entire family to satisfy her needs.

Aren't they all?

Ginger and I argue about this all the time offline and she believes that most WWs here have a valid reason to blow up their families. G is a pretty smart chick so I think women have different perspectives for sure.

Um, I know why. She has been complaining about a lack of sex, and I've said it won't happen until there is respect and a connection. She said that is a pre-condition. And, well, yes it is, what's the problem? We were going to hit the subject head on in couples counselling, and even discuss past fears in relationships. It was going to be a very confronting. I genuinely think her ego does not allow her to face her shortcomings. Maybe it was a co-incidence, I don't know. But thinking over the years of the games, blame, re-framing, gaslighting when there is a conversation about her attitude, the timing does make me wonder.

This is a very immature woman who has lost the tingles for you so now she is going to blow up the entire family to satisfy her needs.

Aren't they all?

Ginger and I argue about this all the time offline and she believes that most WWs here have a valid reason to blow up their families. G is a pretty smart chick so I think women have different perspectives for sure.

I don't want to sell the house.

No, I don't want to be involved in selling the house. But it's going off market, which means it doesn't take much effort (surprise). Without a campaign, it's hard to say how long it will take to get a serious offer.

Hu?

In my country, it mean there will be no sign, no listing, no advertising campaign. Real estate agents have off the book buyers and sellers. This is a market for both non-serious sellers, discrete buyers, or in our case discrete sellers. Again, I think W can't face the public acknowledgement of what she wants, hence an off-market sale.

[Traveler]

Um, I know why. She has been complaining about a lack of sex, and I've said it won't happen until there is respect and a connection. She said that is a pre-condition. And, well, yes it is, what's the problem? We were going to hit the subject head on in couples counselling, and even discuss past fears in relationships. It was going to be a very confronting. I genuinely think her ego does not allow her to face her shortcomings.

She's been complaining about the low quality and quantity of sex for years and going to counseling with you for--9 months? These preconditions--(a) rebuilding connection, (b) rebuilding respect, (c) and a "very confronting" session about her "shortcomings"--for you are a sword for the marriage to die on because they're reasonable, and for her because her willingness to wait for it is exhausted.

[LH19]

I have to say you may be the first with a WAW who is leaving due to not enough sex. Typically that’s easy to remedy.

[Josh71]

I have to say you may be the first with a WAW who is leaving due to not enough sex. Typically that’s easy to remedy.

We haven't been having regular sex for years for various reasons. It's always been more than a couple of times a year, but never in the weekly category. Partly because I'm not interested for emotional reasons, partly because she insists 100% of the time I must initiate which I don't do very often, partly due to sexual disfunction which was since solved, and partly because I'm tired of her criticising me after every sexual encounter that something was wrong, or not good enough. But that's only part of it. We only learned this recently, but we have a classic pursuer/distancer relationship. My contribution to this is the distancer. We have a habit of a negative destructive behaviors that always seem to manifest. At the end of the day, I don't think we ever had a deep connection since we both can agree the issues started from the day we moved in together. She started getting assertive about how everything has to be her way, challenging it was constant effort and arguments. I didn't have the strength to enforce boundaries. I eventually stopped arguing and withdrew as the Nice Guy. That's the 10K ft view.

My work over the last 9 months was to remedy this, since the first BD was about depression. And this work has lead me to realise how much I've desired a strong connection, but never really had it, possibly ever in my life. And that this connection is required for wanting sex, I'm not someone to can just do it, I've never had a one night stand.

I'm open to piecing, but I'm not 100% sure she change to what is needed for that. We tried that, ad she bailed. And likewise, I'm not certain I can be what she expects.

In any event, I'm about to prepare a response to all her emails about $. I've also organised a meeting with L. What is clear is that she is hinting at me supporting her and the kids. What she fails to realise is that, and the courts in my country are clear, the H isn't here to support her lifestyle, but to support the kids. What you call alimony won't exist because she will be cash rich from the sale of our family home.

I need to respond in a validating way that what she needs is indeed a lot, and that she'll need to dip into her savings. I don't have any intention of being a d*ick when it comes to kids, I'm find with funding more than my share. But my point is that she is trying to eat her cake, and she needs to understand that it won't work.

[Traveler]

I've also organised a meeting with L.

I need to respond in a validating way that what she needs is indeed a lot, and that she'll need to dip into her savings. I don't have any intention of being a d*ick when it comes to kids, I'm find with funding more than my share. But my point is that she is trying to eat her cake, and she needs to understand that it won't work

Josh, I'd sit on that e-mail for a day or two if you can! 1. Negotiations and finances are best left for when you're feeling calm and have consulted an attorney, 2. It sounds important to you to inform what she "needs" to do and that she can't, "Have her cake and eat it too." Why? Her attorney will advise her of all her rights and best moves soon. Are you trying to scare her back or to settle?

[Josh71]

I've also organised a meeting with L.

I need to respond in a validating way that what she needs is indeed a lot, and that she'll need to dip into her savings. I don't have any intention of being a d*ick when it comes to kids, I'm find with funding more than my share. But my point is that she is trying to eat her cake, and she needs to understand that it won't work

Josh, I'd sit on that e-mail for a day or two if you can! 1. Negotiations and finances are best left for when you're feeling calm and have consulted an attorney, 2. It sounds important to you to inform what she "needs" to do and that she can't, "Have her cake and eat it too." Why? Her attorney will advise her of all her rights and best moves soon. Are you trying to scare her back or to settle?

I'm not sure if it's a negotiation as of yet. It doesn't feel like it. It seems more like testing the waters because if it is, she is approaching it half heartedly. I promised to reply to an email in a couple of days. I will, but I guess without a promise to any financials. I was thinking of acknowledging that "Oh ya, there isn't enough money to live on each month, but I'm sure there will be plenty of savings after settlement to keep you going until you are ready for a job."

She for sure as no L. I only am approaching one to know where I stand. Just for advice. Nothing else yet.

When you say scare her back, you are right. If you read way back on my sitch in DB v1, I made the pointed question to her on how she planned to support herself if she moved out. She just assumed, as now, I'd fund it all. What I'm saying is that she needs to understand the reality, and not her distorted view that I'm there to fund her lifestyle.

[BL42]

Josh_T,

FWIW, I don't live in the US, by default it's joint custody, and any attempt to change that requires justification and approval from the Family Court.

In my country, it mean there will be no sign, no listing, no advertising campaign.

Do you feel comfortable sharing where you are from?

I DO see me being the first one to ask for a "baby sitter".

Good, get it. I refer to it as "right of first refusal". I used a good bit of lawyer/negotiation capital to get it because most important to me - more than any financial consideration - was time with my kids. It gave me the comfort to know they couldn't just be dropped off with someone else instead of their father.

Josh, I'd sit on that e-mail for a day or two if you can! 1. Negotiations and finances are best left for when you're feeling calm and have consulted an attorney, 2. It sounds important to you to inform what she "needs" to do and that she can't, "Have her cake and eat it too." Why? Her attorney will advise her of all her rights and best moves soon. Are you trying to scare her back or to settle?

I agree w/Traveler. Don't respond to the email, or at the very least consult the L before you do.

Again, she hasn't thought this through because she plans to move 20 KMs away from her parents, her babysitter options are going to be restricted.

and she's already showing anxiety about it through attempting to talk about it

I genuinely think her ego does not allow her to face her shortcomings.

What I'm saying is that she needs to understand the reality, and not her distorted view that I'm there to fund her lifestyle.

Josh_T - I'll be honest. I'm seeing a whole lot of you analyzing your W, mind reading what she thinks and what she feels and what she needs to realize. And I've only pulled a few examples above. It comes across as a bit bitter (understandable considering the impending D) and a bit controlling. Try to take your focus off of what you think she should think and feel and do and onto what's best for you to address your shortcomings and make yourself a better man and improve your own path in life.

I'm not sure if it's a negotiation as of yet. It doesn't feel like it. It seems more like testing the waters because if it is, she is approaching it half heartedly. I promised to reply to an email in a couple of days. I will, but I guess without a promise to any financials. I was thinking of acknowledging that "Oh ya, there isn't enough money to live on each month, but I'm sure there will be plenty of savings after settlement to keep you going until you are ready for a job."

Don't say that. It comes across as a logical argument against D and trying to control and manipulate what she's planning (the D). Don't address taking care of her in a condescending way. I might not respond at all, but if you do consult the L first.

She for sure as no L.

...yet

I only am approaching one to know where I stand. Just for advice. Nothing else yet.

Good. You should consult a L for advice. Know your rights and where you stand. Do not tell her.