No such luck

[Ginger1]

Previous Thread:

NEXT!

Today has not been fabulous. My gut was of course right, as always. I got a call from my boss that I didn’t get the job. An hour later I had to log onto a staff meeting in which it was announced. My boss kindly offered me the position of the person who got the job. It’s a lateral move. Gee, thanks. Offer me the leftover position of the one who got the one I want. I declined it as I don’t like that position and the only perk is no weekends or holidays but they don’t bother me. So I don’t want it.

I can’t lie. I didn’t even really process it, and I had to listen to it on the meeting and I am kind of in tears . I am very fortunate to work with people who love me and respect me and provided me some comfort . It’s hard not be discouraged. I do believe I deserved it and would have been great at it. I did make a personal decision though. Before I even knew this job could possibly become available, I was everyone’s point person. Someone didn’t know what to do, they come to me, not the supervisor. Because I do know. And I explain well. Well, I’m done with that now. I will direct them to the manager. It sounds craPy and maybe I feel that way, but I do. And I’m only going to be flexible with my weekends when I can, and I’m not going to go out of my way to make them work.
Hard work does not pay off sometimes, lol. I guess the plan is to work 2 jobs until I can leave here. I hate having to tell my daughter I didn’t get it who thought I was a shoo in. And she my ex and his wife.

The universe made this decision for a reason. And I know i badly want to move in 3 years. This likely would have stopped me.

In other news, I actually have a date second date tonight. Nice guy who just moved from TX. Unattached, adult daughter, chemistry , thoughtful. Hopefully this continues to move along in a positive direction.

I’m pretty down though, but I plan on turning myself around for this date tonight .

[kml]

Aww, G, I'm sorry you didn't get the job, but this may have happened for a reason. I like your idea of referring people to the new manager - sounds like you've been doing too much and it IS their job, after all.

Here's hoping the second date goes well! I'm always a little worried that people who have "just moved to the area" in online dating may be hiding a wife somewhere back home, so do you due diligence in online snooping. Here's hoping he's all he seems to be and the chemistry continues to be good.

[LH19]

I'm always a little worried that people who have "just moved to the area" in online dating may be hiding a wife somewhere back home.

Lol. This board is awesome!

[Ginger1]

Thanks. I’m down in the dumps today.

I have done my due diligence and social media stalked and googled. So far he comes up clean, lol. He did get out of a serious relationship 4 months ago. His only kid is 29 that I know I know of. The chemistry is nice, we can talk forever, but I am proceeding with caution and no expectations

[kml]

Good job verifying. I'm gonna name him "Rebound Guy" if he's only 4 months out of a serious relationship. Do you have any idea if his move was a cause or effect of the breakup? What brings him from Texas to the East Coast?

So far, chemistry and conversation is good. Check. Any other things in the "pro" column? Any potential red flags?

Originally Posted by kml
I'm always a little worried that people who have "just moved to the area" in online dating may be hiding a wife somewhere back home.
Lol. This board is awesome!

Yes, LH - internet dating is FULL of stories of guys who claimed to be in the process of moving to an area, but were just there for business and looking to rope someone into a hookup under false pretenses. (Several I've seen here over the years). So I'm really glad to see G did her due diligence.

[BL42]

Ginger,

Very sorry about the job news. That must be disappointing and frustrating, especially if you're already handling much of the role. Perhaps that door closing will lead to another one opening soon.

Hope the second date went well last night!

[LH19]

Ginger,

Very sorry about the job news. That must be disappointing and frustrating, especially if you're already handling much of the role. Perhaps that door closing will lead to another one opening soon.

Hope the second date went well last night!

FYI BL Ginger hates validation.

[Ginger1]

Oh shut up, LH.

Thank you BL. It really stinks and I’m still down about it, but I’m guessing there is a bigger reason the universe knows about.

Date 2 went quite well! Date 3 is Sunday! Yup, violating all the rules and having 3 dates in 8 days. It feels pretty good to know I’m not dead inside and I can feel chemistry again. I also feel really natural and comfortable around him and very much like myself. He puts forth the effort and drives the 45 min to me. Looking at T’s thread, 45 min is a big deal! He even crosses the GW bridge and there is a hefty toll on that one!

[Elbereth]

Hi Ginger,

I’m so excited that you are enjoying your dates with this new guy! I hope you continue to have fun…even if it doesn’t go anywhere long term. I think as long as you are having fun and doing it, good things will come!

I’m bummed that you didn’t the job. I’m sure you started to imagine yourself doing it (as you mentioned in many ways you already do some of it), and that is so hard to let go of when something like that when it doesn’t work out. At least it is for me. Of course you are in the dumps. You have every right to feel disappointed. I am glad you tried, and gave it a shot. I agree with others, that sometimes these things happen for a reason. Not always, but if you don’t let it discourage you, maybe the door will open to something better. As for not doing so much of the things you used to do and passing them to the new manager…I get that. Totally. Have you thought about asking for a raise? Maybe if you are doing more than is required for your role? Anyway, just a thought.

Looking forward to hearing about date 3!

El

[DejaVu6]

So sorry to hear you didn’t get the job Ginger. Have faith that there is another plan for you. So many times in my life, I’ve been disappointed by something only to look back a year or two later and realize that what had been a big disappointment at the time, was a necessary step in a different and better direction. Keep your eyes and ears open for other opportunities. I am sure they will come along when you least expect it.

A third date?!?! That’s the holy grail of OLD…lol. Glad things are looking up for you in the department. Hope you have an amazing time on Sunday!!! (((HUGS)))

[kml]

So tell us more about Rebound Guy - what have you learned about him from these 2 dates?

[Traveler]

Date 2 went quite well! Date 3 is Sunday! Yup, violating all the rules and having 3 dates in 8 days. It feels pretty good to know I’m not dead inside and I can feel chemistry again. I also feel really natural and comfortable around him and very much like myself. He puts forth the effort and drives the 45 min to me. Looking at T’s thread, 45 min is a big deal! He even crosses the GW bridge and there is a hefty toll on that one!

Ginger is going on a 3rd date?! ::Looks around for other signs of the apocalypse. Congratulations! I'm happy for you. You deserve some good luck in romance.

[Cadet]

He puts forth the effort and drives the 45 min to me. Looking at T’s thread, 45 min is a big deal! He even crosses the GW bridge and there is a hefty toll on that one!

YES - agreed

[Ginger1]

DV and Elbreth, thank you. Yes, E- I really did picture myself in that position. I was excited. I thought it was mine until I found out she interviewed. It still kind of stings, but I’m holding onto the bigger reason I didn’t get it. Maybe there will be a another new opportunity, but I think I’m meant to ride this one out until it’s time to move. I actually like what I do, I love my coworkers, my nursing unit the social worker I work with it. She’s a really close friend.

As far as “rebound guy” I don’t think that is so accurate. 4 months isn’t 4 weeks. So far we are having a blast getting to know eachother . We have long phone calls nearly every night, and he’s coming over tomorrow night, he’s going to cook me dinner and we are going to watch a movie. We are going to a concert together next Friday.

He is absolutely not avoidant. He has no problem talking about what he wants, expressing his feelings, etc. he’s employed, self sufficient, can go with the flow and deal well with change. We are on the same page about a lot of stuff and we just really have enjoyed our time together so far.

Something just feels…. Right. And comfortable and good. I’ve decided to go with it and embrace it while keeping my eyes wide open.

[kml]

4 months is still a rebound - but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. The good ones do get snapped up quick I think. I’d just be careful about any signs of his ex turning back up.

Glad this is feeling so good so far. Have you learned anything more about why his previous relationship broke up?

[Ginger1]

He is an open book and has told me why his previous relationships didn’t work. Last long term GF cheated. First wife they were 21 and kids. They got pregnant. They tried abs didn’t make it.
He is truly an open book and will answer and offer anything. It’s nice. I’m sure there is more to find out.

Lots of us have a past and a very difficult one at that. The work and healing you do and how you handle stuff is so important. We are all works in progress. Hey, my past traumas and my story might be a red flag to most. Until they know how I handle my sh!t.

My friends used to say chose the guy who would drive an hour to spend 5 min with you. He’s that guy so far. Time will tell, but I’m going to enjoy the ride

[DejaVu6]

Possibly a rebound, possibly not. Really depends on the circumstances. If the ex is in Texas (there’s a song about that…lol), seems to me him moving away is a good indication of being done with the relationship. Depending on how serious the relationship was and how long it was, four months of alone time may be plenty for him to have moved on.

Ginger…I think it is great you have found someone to be excited about. I hope things continue to go well… you certainly deserve it!!

Re: the job. Great attitude. I agree with you. It wasn’t meant to be. Keep looking for other opportunities. You will find them.

Can’t wait to hear how dinner turns out!! (((HUGS)))

[Dawn70]

Let’s hear it for the southern boy!!!!! I knew you just needed some good southern hospitality. (I am, of course, totally assuming he was raised down here and moved up there and not that he moved down here and then moved back.) Keeping my fingers crossed and wishing you the best. I’m sure I’m completely biased but there really is something about that sweet southern gentleman with a slow Texas drawl.

[Dawn70]

SLOW Texas drawl…….darned autocorrect!!!!!

Corrected your earlier post for you.

[Ginger1]

Thank you guys! I sure love his southern accent!

Honestly, we are moving along quite nicely. And probably too fast which is something o haven’t done in a lifetime. I haven’t wanted to be with anyone this in years. The good news is while I’m moving fast, My eyes are wide open. And by moving fast, I mean we did decide on exclusivity. Focus on dating eachother . I’ve went on enough first dates, I don’t need to play the field. And I can’t play the field because it’s been super hard for me to have feelings for anyone and it’s harder when it’s spread out . We just want to spend our time together

He’s been nothing but an open book. Answers everything o ask candidly. Offers what I don’t ask even if it isn’t the greatest thing. He’s comfortable being himself and I’m
Comfortable being me . Is he perfect? No. He has some issues. But he is open about them. He talks to me.

I truly realize I have been seeing everything in everyone as a red flag because I was scared. I have issues too. Everyone has issues. It boils down to what you can work with and what is a dealbreaker. Carrying baggage well is important . Working together is important .

We spent last night and half the day together today. We are going to AC to see a concert Friday. I’m
Super excited.

I have a good gut feeling. But I am not going to put the cart on front of the horse

[kml]

[/quote]I'm glad it's going so well so far! I'll admit, I'll feel better about it once you've seen his place and met somebody he knows.

Sure, everybody has baggage - it's how they handle it and whether it includes any dealbreakers for you.

[quote]Is he perfect? No. He has some issues.

What kinds of issues are we talking about? And how does he handle them?

[kml]

Sorry my quote marks got messed up

kml, if you tell me who you are quoting, I will be happy to fix the quote for you.

[Elbereth]

Hi Ginger,

I'm so excited for you and excited you are enjoying your new guy and having fun! And, I'm like you, I'd be moving towards exclusivity pretty quickly too. If I like someone, I can only focus on one at at time like you. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it doesn't feel like pressure for either person, right?!

As for the 'out of a serious relationship for only about 4 mos', I agree that it might be a red flag, but it also might not be. It's one of those things you need to better understand. I started dating within months of my 1st divorce. But I had also had 5 years of unhappiness and 2 years of joint counseling. So when I was done, I was done. I think if this guy's heart was broken and he wanted the past relationship to continue, then that might be of concern. But if he was the one to break it off, or there was some other resolution where you feel his heart and mind was settled, I don't think the timeline matters as much. We are adults at this point. We know better what we need and want. Just keep asking questions and pay attention to any red flags. I agree with your approach completely. So just enjoy yourself and see where it goes. Just like you said.

El

[DonH]

So 3 dates over 2 weeks time or maybe 3 weeks? and he’s already your boyfriend? Now if this were Andrew or Traveler or some others what would you be saying and suggesting? But I’m sure this is different? It’s not necessarily bad but cannot be argued it’s very fast. Is he twice divorced? Again I’m not saying it’s bad. I am saying you’d look at it very differently if it was someone else. There is no rush. So why the rush?

[DejaVu6]

I’m with you Ginger. I am not someone who can date multiple people at once. If I get past a second date with a guy and we both want a third, chances are I am at least snoozing my dating profiles until I see where it goes. I wouldn’t necessarily call him by boyfriend but I wouldn’t see the point in going out with other people if I’ve already found someone I want to invest time in getting to know.

Really happy for you G. You deserve to have something good happen. I’m with Elbereth. Enjoy yourself and see where it goes. Please be careful with your heart though. Give it some time before you go all in. Look out for the love bomber (hopefully not him). I dated a recently divorced guy about six months before I met XH who was a love bomber and literally swept me off my feet. In six weeks of dating, he bought me jewelry, flowers, chocolates, and perfume (not my birthday or Valentine’s Day) and even took me on a trip to Vegas. He told me he loved me and that I was his soul mate. He introduced me to his best friend, a couple of coworkers and his two sons. I could not believe how into me he was and TBH, I was pretty into him too. And then a job came up in his area (we lived an hour apart) and I mentioned it to him and that I was thinking of applying. He panicked…told me he was having some health issues and that is was “all too much” and he”couldn’t do it” and then refused to see or talk to me for a week. And then for some bizarre reason, we went to see a movie together (I cannot recall why we did that) and it was so strained and awkward that we kinda just stopped talking with no real resolution other than I just decided he was a bit of a flake. Looking back, I think it very well could have been a rebound and me musing about applying for a job in his area was too big of a dose of reality to introduce into the fantasy that was our relationship. My dad was also dying and my sister had just been diagnosed with cancer as well so I was going through a rough time and my pain and fear around that was a bit too much for him to handle. Anyway…bullet dodged… long story short…he ended up remarrying about six years later to someone who lived in his area and he and I became FaceBook friends…lol.

So get to know this guy and let him get to know you (the real you) but don’t give your heart away until he has really earned it.

Looking forward to hearing about Friday’s date!!!

(((HUGS)))

[Dawn70]

I'm so thrilled for you and totally understand why you would go the exclusive route even a few dates in. Like DV said, I'm a one at a time kind of girl, so if I had a few successful dates, I would want to go ahead and just date that one person until we either decided to continue to something more serious or decided to part ways. Now, I don't think (and because we are similar, I think you'll agree) that it means that you are rushing to ILU or anything like that. You are just a mature woman who has no interest in bouncing back and forth among several different options. Stick with one option, see where it goes, then act accordingly. I wouldn't have a problem with anyone, man or woman, doing this. My problem with this is when it rushes to ILU whether you feel it or not, in response to the other person saying it.

[LH19]

8 days seems early to me especially when it comes from the man. I have yet to meet a woman where I felt I needed to have that conversation 8 days in.

[kml]

Really, LH? Because many people would like to know, before they sleep with someone and risk STDs, whether they are also sleeping with other people at the same time, so that they can gauge the risk.

[Ginger1]

All excellent advice. It’s been more than 8 days. We had been talking quite a bit on the phone prior to meeting. And maybe I am just that awesome, LH that he just wants to see me, duh. But seriously, yes, he can be a little insecure. But it wasn’t a deep convo about it. It was “ I just want to date you “ convo

It’s what works for us. I know the only time I think about dating multiple people is when I really am not into the one I am already dating. I like to keep my focus. He wants to keep his focus. Sometimes, it just clicks. Not often. That’s for sure but we just click.

ILU’s are not happening anytime soon. I take that pretty seriously and o don’t throw that word around . Anything in the beginning is infatuation. I don’t think you can truly love someone until you have had a disagreement or a hardship together. Love is how you handle stuff in when things aren’t all roses. He’s not love bombing me. He’s expressive with his feelings, but nothing over the top. I think early on I’m some cases, you can say to yourself “ I can see myself falling in love with this one” but yeah, you just can’t truly love someone that early on .


We just like spending time together, we can talk on the phone forever. I just don’t have any extra time or want to give any extra time to anyone else .

[LH19]

Really, LH? Because many people would like to know, before they sleep with someone and risk STDs, whether they are also sleeping with other people at the same time, so that they can gauge the risk.

Well in the beginning I typically wear a condom. I assume most woman don't sleep with multiple men at the same time and those that will are going to lie anyways.

[LH19]

And maybe I am just that awesome, LH that he just wants to see me, duh.

You are awesome and he's awesome so it's interesting it even came up. I would think with 3 dates in 8 days it would be implied.

[Dawn70]

I'm telling you it is that southern drawl. I can even overlook that he's from Texas with that accent. LOL

[kml]

The accent doesn't get me, but I love the hilarious southern aphorisms!

[DonH]

Because many people would like to know, before they sleep with someone and risk STDs, whether they are also sleeping with other people at the same time, so that they can gauge the risk.

That is very true. It’s also only half of the risk equation. Knowing the other person at least claims they will only have sex with you going forward affords some risk reduction. But what about the dozen people either or both partners may have had sex with in the last year - or perhaps the last couple months? (Not you Ginger) To me that’s a bigger question and could negate much of the risk you claim to be gauging. Otherwise it’s just an excuse to be exclusive but risk is not really all that reduced for the future - it’s the past still posing the risk.

I can certainly see only dating one person at a time as Dawn says. I just don’t see the need to voice it or even bring it up after only a few dates as LH is saying. It’s red flaggy to me but heck I’ve gone months and double digit dates without bringing it up so what do I know.

[Ginger1]

Wel, we all know I need to come update when my relationship ship implodes, lol.

Things went “fast” with me and the Texan. Well, fast on his end, anyways. I was still skeptical, but trying to enjoy the ride. We did have fun together until the last week.

I apparently can’t attract a healthy man. He stared with jealousy and insecurity. He didn’t like that I would spend time or do activities with my friends. He didn’t understand “girls night” and why men weren’t invited. He got mad . But I told him in no uncertain circumstances will I ever give up girls night . He apologized the next day and went on to tell me about that’s how it started with him ex. A girls night. I told him I’m not her and I won’t carry her baggage. He said he understood and agreed.

Well, I also realized he has a drinking problem. Like, as you all know, I like to drink, but I am generally responsible . He was a 51 year old man who would
Just get hammered. I mean completely hammered. And when he does? Obnoxious and kind of racist. And to make matters worse when he got to that point? He would run away to a casino and gamble the money away he made that day.

Well,
First I began to realize on our first weekend trip to school to see a concert, he has zero money saved anywhere. And gambles like he was rich. Then. I’m the past week, something triggered him, hs would drink excessively, and run away to the casino. He lives very close to a casino. I got a call last week when he was hammered that the security wouldn’t let him drive home. I ordered him an Uber and got him home. I was PISSEd! He promised he wouldn’t do that again . also, it was my mothers birthday. My mother who was an addict and took her own life. 2 days a year I allow feelings towards my mother . Her birthday and her death day. He knew this. But he was so self absorbed

Well, twice more in the week he did it. Not to the point he couldn’t get his car. But where he drank too much and was obnoxious.

He was supposed to go out with my work friends on Friday night but he was sick. And I was kind of thankful. He felt better the next day and said he was coming to spend the weekend. We, Saturday, he got totally bombed when we were out. He was completely embarrassing and appropriate . We got in a huge fight and he left .for the casino. I was livid. He apologized profusely and I told him I won’t tolerate this anymore. Next time and we are completely done. He came over. No drinking and we went to the movies, but he slept through the whole thing. Memorial Day hit. We both had to work . He went to the bar after . He said he wouldn’t be there for long. I know he lost someone close when he was in Iraq. He was texting me and I could tell he was being obnoxious again .this time making fun of people from Nj. Whatever though . Then he calls me and I could hear the slur in his voice. I told him To run away to the casino as you usually do, because I am done. Guess what he did? Ran to the casino. I told him I am totally done as he was a liar and couldn’t keep a promise .he texted and called all night and I wouldn’t answer .

Yesterday he apologized. I told him I was done and that I hope he gets the help he needs because he has a serious problem. He went on to apologize for what he did. I told him in my life I need someone I can feel safe and cherished with, and he really just made me feel anxious and worrimost of the time .he apologized again. I simply wished him the best and that was it.


And , well, that was it. I don’t miss him and I honestly feel relived. The thought of having him around h friends this weekend gave me anxiety. It’s my birthday Friday and we were all supposed to hang out and go to a winery. I was literally afraid of what would happen if we drank too much. What am I sad for? Back to square one yet again. Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man. My past few options? An ex heroin addict, a guy with bipolar disorder. A pizza delivery guy on disability. And an alcoholic with PTSDand a gambling problem . Look,
I’m not the hottest woman alive. But I’m not awful on the eyes. I am a professional with a career. A good parent. Very responsible. Good friends and people genuinely like me and trust me . But I also know how to have lots of fun. I’m not the worst catch. I would think I can find a decent human.
But no such luck . It’s awfully depressing . And on Friday I turn 21 for the second time but it isn’t getting any easier .it’s looking bleak.

But truth is, instead of the casino getaway we had planned tonight, I’m happier with my daughter and my daughter fans his wife watching the hockey game .my anxiety is gone . I can spend time with friends without worrying he will be an arse. I joined this new intense gym that I love. I have been going a lot and focusing on it. Found out I have above average muscle. And a little too I hope fat. But I’m working on it. I look forward to the gym when I can go. I got a new mountain bike for my birthday and I’ve been planning local bike rides on some rail trails my life is full for the most part . It was just nice having a date. Someone to talk to at night . But the bad outweighed the good and I had to do what I had to do.

I do feel for him. Adopted. Only child. Both parents dead. 2 ex wives abs an ex GF who cheated . He’s alone in the world. Bit putting forth no effort to keep the people he cares about his life . On his drunken bender he said to me “
Why should I grow up? I’m 51 and have nothing “ I don’t need a child in my life or someone o have to worry about. Felt too much like my mom and my ex husband.

So basically, I am single again less
Than a week before 21x2. I may always be single. I know this is my fault and I chose to trust too much. I was aware of the red flags, but I trusted. There is only so much you can do.

So , that it. Single again and probably forever . I tried and failed again. And I’m good. Focus is on me .

[DonH]

I’m so sorry to read this Ginger. I was just thinking of you, might have even been today. If not today it was after visiting here and seeing basically no activity. So few people left and even those who are post very little while others feel the need to block posters who force them to look at the truth. In your case I was concerned that you had not posted at all about this new guy you. I was pretty sure that was because you didn’t want to hear what we’d have to say if you provided the truth. If it was going well it would only make sense you’d want to tell us how wonderful things were and how happy you were. The silence was deafening. Now I see why.

I give you huge compliments for being forthcoming and honest now. I know you feel bad. You deserve so much more. Why would you even let it go this long with the blinding red flags flying everywhere. This guy is clearly not worthy of you. He was showing who he is. It was clear. You knew it. You just didn’t want to.

More for another time. For now be happy with yourself for putting a stop to it sooner than later. There are more lessons to be learned but you deserve so much more than a guy like this. He’s badly damaged and clearly an addict with multiple addictions - booze, gambling, no doubt others.

Please don’t take him back. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. This guy should have been gone weeks ago. You tried. You did not fail - he did. If it’s between a guy like this or being single - choose single. You are worth more.

[Traveler]

We did have fun together until the last week.

This is what I would focus on! As long as dating is fun, it's no big deal to put yourself out there, experience a few good months, then move on. To me, the learning process is better boundaries, so ain't nobody gonna break my stride.

Single again and probably forever

Not so bad, right?

[Ginger1]

Hey Don! Thank you. I’ll start by saying ,even if things were going wonderfully. I probably wouldn’t have posted for a while. I am in the process of learning to trust myself either way and making my own decisions that I didn’t want the noise either way so I could focus on my own thoughts and signals.

You don’t get to your 40’s and 50’s without baggage and red flags. None of us do. It’s all how you carry it and wave them . I do have more compassion for those who have had a rough life and been through trauma. I have myself. And i have my baggage . Fortunately, I have worked hard to carry it well. My trauma has affected me in the area of men, obviously and I’m still learning . Otherwise I’ve done some good work and I’m a relatively stable person l.

So I saw his red flags and baggage. I did not ignore them. I had nothing to lose to see how it played out and how it worked out. Well, he carries it horribly. And the first time it really affected me and he apologized and said he didn’t want to be that way. I asked him “what are you going to do differently so that it doesn’t happen again and you can be the person you want?” He game some weak steps and didn’t follow through. I stuck to my boundaries. Because I did say I don’t want this kind of behavior in my life. It was giving me anxiety and I don’t even have anxiety.

He had zero responsibilities a 4 hour a day job and minimal rent. No one else to take care of . No real plan for the future. He lives like a college kid. Fun all the time . Get money, go gamble or buy concert tickets. I, on the other hand have a ton of responsibilities and I am a responsible person. I think through everything . I plan. I save for the more costly fun stuff I want to do. I am also tons of fun on the flip side. I know how to let loose and have a good time. I go out with my friends get drinks, see concerts, etc. just responsibly. He talked a big game about what he wanted for his future and with us but did nothing to work towards it. He did not make me feel safe at all and I began to feel like I was parenting . An adult. And my kid is more responsible. I also want a boyfriend who I’m not worried about bringing around my friends . I was terrified that he would act the fool. Did I want too long? Probably. But I did what o had to do when I had to do it and that’s a change for me

Yes, being alone is so much better than being with a guy like this .
I’m more excited to refocus on my new hobby of bike riding and my time in my gym . I’m loving the gym!!! I have some projects around the house I want to take care of. I don’t have a travel buddy or anything but I have friends to spend some time with . Do I wish I had a partner? So much. But I dream of a nice stable guy . Baggage, hit Carried well. Decent job, likes to have fun , but also takes care of business. And I really do think I’m a decent catch by the way of me being well balanced. It’s just getting much harder the older I get.

The good stuff in my life is that my kid is doing great. She’s been so into the hockey playoffs we watch games together every night. She’s doing well in school, doesn’t get in trouble, abs has solid friends and she still likes to spend time with me. She talks to me too, which is nice. Work is work. I didn’t get the promotion as we all know, but people to agree that I would have probAbly been miserable on that job downstairs in that office. Me and my partner social worker are the ones everyone else want to work with and the doctors talk about what a great team we are in their meetings and say we are their favorites as well. We are the dream team of case management and social work, lol. I wish I made more money, but it is what it is. With the gas prices. I’m happy to work 10 min from home.

I’ll surely be fine. I’m sad, but just sad I’m single yet again and daunted by more dating when I chose to do so. But I don’t miss him. I do get down on myself that I can’t find a suitable healthy partner for my adulthood and it must be me. I just have to believe in myself more I guess.

[LH19]

Things went “fast” with me and the Texan.

I would say they went twice as fast as a typical CW relationship.

Well, fast on his end, anyways. I was still skeptical, but trying to enjoy the ride. We did have fun together until the last week.

What was fun in the beginning?

I apparently can’t attract a healthy man.

Can't or aren't interested in healthy men?

Well, I also realized he has a drinking problem. Like, as you all know, I like to drink, but I am generally responsible . He was a 51 year old man who would just get hammered. I mean completely hammered. And when he does? Obnoxious and kind of racist. And to make matters worse when he got to that point? He would run away to a casino and gamble the money away he made that day.

I believe you saw this right away yet...............

I ordered him an Uber and got him home. I was PISSEd! He promised he wouldn’t do that again . also, it was my mothers birthday. My mother who was an addict and took her own life. 2 days a year I allow feelings towards my mother . Her birthday and her death day. He knew this. But he was so self absorbed

It should have ended on Mother's day which was like 3 1/2 weeks ago.

Well, twice more in the week he did it. Not to the point he couldn’t get his car. But where he drank too much and was obnoxious.

So much for promises.

He was supposed to go out with my work friends on Friday night but he was sick. And I was kind of thankful. He felt better the next day and said he was coming to spend the weekend. We, Saturday, he got totally bombed when we were out. He was completely embarrassing and appropriate . We got in a huge fight and he left .for the casino. I was livid.

I'll bet!

He apologized profusely and I told him I won’t tolerate this anymore.

Ultimatum came way too late!

He came over. No drinking and we went to the movies, but he slept through the whole thing.

Spit my coffee

Then he calls me and I could hear the slur in his voice. I told him To run away to the casino as you usually do, because I am done. Guess what he did? Ran to the casino.

Well he's consistent

I told him I am totally done as he was a liar and couldn’t keep a promise .he texted and called all night and I wouldn’t answer .

Good for you!

Yesterday he apologized. I told him I was done and that I hope he gets the help he needs because he has a serious problem.

A 51 year old war vet with PTSD and a drinking and gambling problem is NEVER going to change.

He went on to apologize for what he did.

His words mean nothing.

I told him in my life I need someone I can feel safe and cherished with, and he really just made me feel anxious and worrimost of the time .he apologized again.

That's what every woman wants.

I simply wished him the best and that was it.

You did the right thing!

And , well, that was it. I don’t miss him and I honestly feel relived.

I bet!

The thought of having him around h friends this weekend gave me anxiety.

When it's right you will be excited to have a man meet your friends.

It’s my birthday Friday and we were all supposed to hang out and go to a winery. I was literally afraid of what would happen if we drank too much. What am I sad for? Back to square one yet again.

I thought he wasn't invted to girls night out?

Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man.

You can. Healthy just isn't your number one priority.

My past few options? An ex heroin addict, a guy with bipolar disorder. A pizza delivery guy on disability. And an alcoholic with PTSD and a gambling problem .

Yikes!

Look, I’m not the hottest woman alive. But I’m not awful on the eyes.

So are you saying you're avg?

I am a professional with a career.

This means mothing to a man.

A good parent. Very responsible. Good friends and people genuinely like me and trust me .

This means nothing to a man.

But I also know how to have lots of fun. I’m not the worst catch. I would think I can find a decent human.

You 100% can find a decent human being if you so choose.

But no such luck . It’s awfully depressing . And on Friday I turn 21 for the second time but it isn’t getting any easier .it’s looking bleak.

It's getting harder because women have less options the older they get.

But truth is, instead of the casino getaway we had planned tonight, I’m happier with my daughter and my daughter fans his wife watching the hockey game .my anxiety is gone .

Peacefulness is good.

I can spend time with friends without worrying he will be an arse.

I thought it was a girls night out?

I joined this new intense gym that I love. I have been going a lot and focusing on it. Found out I have above average muscle. And a little too I hope fat. But I’m working on it. I look forward to the gym when I can go.

This is the best part of your post!

I got a new mountain bike for my birthday and I’ve been planning local bike rides on some rail trails my life is full for the most part .

Awesome!

It was just nice having a date. Someone to talk to at night .

Actually it sounded pretty horrible.

I do feel for him. Adopted. Only child. Both parents dead. 2 ex wives abs an ex GF who cheated . He’s alone in the world. Bit putting forth no effort to keep the people he cares about his life . On his drunken bender he said to me “ Why should I grow up? I’m 51 and have nothing “ I don’t need a child in my life or someone o have to worry about. Felt too much like my mom and my ex husband.

You didn't break him and you can't fix him.

I may always be single.

Maybe but highly unlikely.

I know this is my fault and I chose to trust too much.

You chose to ignore major red flags. That never ends well.

I was aware of the red flags, but I trusted. There is only so much you can do.

You can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

So , that it. Single again and probably forever . I tried and failed again. And I’m good. Focus is on me .

Just another guy in NJ you are not compatible with.

So few people left and even those who are post very little while others feel the need to block posters who force them to look at the truth.

So I noticed yesterday I have more "likes" than most if not all posters but I think I am blocked by at least 4 posters. Interesting.

In your case I was concerned that you had not posted at all about this new guy you. I was pretty sure that was because you didn’t want to hear what we’d have to say if you provided the truth. If it was going well it would only make sense you’d want to tell us how wonderful things were and how happy you were. The silence was deafening. Now I see why.

Don I had the boards back while she was silent. She chose to ignore me though lol. Them damn trees in the forest lol.

I give you huge compliments for being forthcoming and honest now. I know you feel bad. You deserve so much more. Why would you even let it go this long with the blinding red flags flying everywhere. This guy is clearly not worthy of you. He was showing who he is. It was clear. You knew it. You just didn’t want to.

I can't disagree with Don. You are lucky the damage was minimal. The guy seems really unstable and things could have been a lot worse. Onward and upward.

[Ginger1]

I don’t think I ignored anyone .i said I see what I see and eyes wide open. It wasn’t ignoring . It was observing. And I did what I had to do when i felt I had to do it . And Im
not going back on it

[Valeska19]

G,
When I look around in this world - I see alot of people in pain. Hurt people.. hurting people.
IMO - Folks who are emotionally intelligent and aware are becoming an endangered species.

Stay patient. Stay vigilant. And continue to guard that very big heart of yours.

[bttrfly]

In your current position I think I would focus on the positives (there are many), analyze the places where I could have made a different choice and keep moving forward.

I don't think you're going to want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: scary as it is, perhaps working through some childhood trauma with a professional would break the patterns.

I wish you only love and happiness Super G, I hope you know that. I'm proud of you for giving this guy his walking papers. The only thing I might have added was a Gamblers' Anonymous or AA meeting list if I felt somewhat predisposed in that direction. Poor b@st@rd needs a program for sure, but he has to be willing to do that work. You are well aware it's not yours to do, and well done on that front my friend!

[Dawn70]

I'm sorry, G. I was sure rooting for the Southern boy, but that's just WAY too much for anyone to take on. I was hoping no news was good news, so to speak, but like Don, I was also secretly fearing that it wasn't going well since we weren't getting anything.

I know it probably doesn't help, but I'll say it anyway...you are awesome and there is someone super special out there waiting for your paths to cross. Focus on yourself, your new gym, your girl time, and your amazing D. Big hugs! Sorry the Texan didn't do it for you, but hopefully there is someone else out there who will. Everything is bigger in Texas, even the a/holes.

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Sorry things didn't work out with Texas guy. Maybe naïve but unlike DonH I was hoping no news was a good sign (I.e., things were going well and you had no issues to vet here on the boards). For the first time in awhile you seemed enthusiastic, unlike most of your recent prospects, so that has to be disappointing. I can relate to feeling lonely and the desire for a partner, and I'm "just" two years in, so I can only imagine the frustrations you'd had a decade and a half. Hang in there.

Kudos to you though for recognizing his issues and cutting things off with him early. Drinking and gambling problems are two major problems. Mix in some jealousy, insecurity, obnoxiousness...etc. and not a good basis for a healthy relationship. As others have mentioned you deserve much better. Good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself.

Love the update with the new mountain bike, gym workouts, hockey playoffs w/daughter. Keep enjoying those aspects of life!

I apparently can’t attract a healthy man.

Can't or aren't interested in healthy men?

Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man.

You can. Healthy just isn't your number one priority.

LH is implying you're not interested in the healthy men and gravitate towards those with issues. He knows you better, but from your posts you do seem to garner a lot of men's interest but which you often don't share / reciprocate.

So I wonder...what first attracted you to Texas guy? What excited you about him as a prospect initially as opposed to others?

[DonH]

I don’t think I ignored anyone .i said I see what I see and eyes wide open. It wasn’t ignoring . It was observing. And I did what I had to do when i felt I had to do it . And Im
not going back on it

So from what you’ve provided, this “R” lasted about a month. In all there’s really little to be critical about. Had this gone on for half a year it would be totally a different story. So on one hand you did very well. You gave him about 4 or 5 weeks to prove he was worth your time. He failed miserably and you ended it. You did well if measured by this yardstick. But you also went all in very quickly - 3 dates in a week and went exclusive. A weekend getaway was next. Then the drama started.

You could have achieved the same outcome but without much of the pain, anxiety and drama had you gone slower and made him prove himself BEFORE he was given the prize of becoming your boyfriend. You gave him the prize and then allowed him to win it. Typically people have to win the game before getting the trophy. You chose to give him the trophy at the start of the game. Just something to consider. It also was revealed why he pushed so hard to lock you down during the first week - then move to jealousy and possession in his next swift steps.

As for who this and the others are, you are not attracting all of these broken guys, you seem to be choosing them. Why is that? Why are you attracted to the broken and turned off by the stable? You’ve had seemingly good guys show interest yet you don’t feel anything. You don’t feel excited or attracted. Why? Why would you even consider a twice D’d recently dumped middle aged guy with a drinking and gambling problem who works 20 hours a week, doesn’t own a home, has no savings and by his own admission doesn’t want to be a high functioning adult. He was worthy of becoming your BF within one week? Was it because he showed you attention? Because he drove across a toll bridge to see you where previous BFs made you come to them?

There is something about these very broken guys that you seem to be very attracted to and comfortable with. It’s way above my pay grade to annualize - I just know it’s the case. You’re not attracting these guys - you’re attracted to these guys. Seems to me you need to figure out why you’re not attracted to the good guys.

I hope you’ll sit with that and give it some thought. Don’t waste time thinking about why guys like this seem to find you but rather why you seem to find them. In all though you did well terminating this quick, one month R. My guess is he’s not done trying to get you back. Please don’t let that happen. He has very clearly showed you who he is. You saw it within days and acted within a month. Not bad. Hopefully next time you’ll see it before you award the trophy and avoid the drama and anxiety. He might have been worthy of a few dates. He was never worthy of being your BF.

[Ginger1]

All great feedback and very kind words. They are much appreciated because I’m feeling a bit down . I am definitely turning the focus on me and I’m really enjoying the gym. Day 3 today, day 4 tomorrow for my bday for this week. Class is tough, but fun and the people are great.

So to answer some questions regarding “broken” people and attraction. I’ll try to break this down to understand.

1) why do I reject stable guys?

I do not. I haven’t met one recently.

There was bipolar guy. I didn’t know until I got to know him and I noticed his behaviors and he told me and I had to end it . So I did. Right before that was EMT boy. He was too over the top and flakey. Then there was pizza delivery guy. He delivered pizza because he was on disability. And he was just really boring and we had nothing in common. Then my coworker came to me to set me up with her son. Honestly, probably the most stable even though he is a recovering heroin addict with anxiety issues. But due to the history with my mom, the fear of relapse will always be there . Then came the next C. He was an awful communicator and wanted kids. Nothing I could do about that one. After him came the Texan. More I got to know him, the more I realized he was not what I needed in my life. So really, I’m not passing up any stable guys. And you don’t really get to know how crazy until you get to know them . So am I really choosing them and passing up on stable guys. No. I don’t feel I am.

As for why I am “attracted” to any of these “broken” men. I will not call it a trauma bond, but I have lived a hard life from day one. I never had it easy, I’ve had it very challenging . My childhood wasn’t great, and because of that we all know how my early adulthood went . Chose a bad partner . That was when I was “broken” I know hardship and I can relate to others who have known hardship. It’s something in common. But I don’t consider myself broken. Texan is broken. It makes me very sad for him. But the guy who grew up with a great childhood and had everything easy makes it kind of hard for me to relate I guess. Or maybe I feel like they can’t relate to me. But there is a fine line between broken and those who knew hardship. I find that character can be developed from a hard life abs overcoming obstacles and coming out on top. That’s something that is very attractive tics to me and I can relate to.

So I hope that explains it a bit better. Do I entertain these “broken” men longer than I should? Yea. A part of me understands their pain.

[DonH]

Well I wish I could argue or debate you that there are all of these high quality single people out there. I wish I could but I can’t - at least not when it comes to women. I have to believe it’s the same for men as well. That’s why I’ve continue to say most all of the good ones are taken. They’ve never been divorced or cheated or become a WAS. That part does stink and you are accurate. The quality women I meet are taken. The men you meet are low quality. Then again you’re back OLD so I’m not shocked.

I’ve been D’d over 15 years now and can’t say I regret a good one getting away in that time. I guess that’s good. I don’t have any “if only I had” loops running. On top of that my list of quality women who don’t at all care to date grows. I’m well into double digits with them. Not just no interest in dating me - they have not had a BF in many many years. Some have not dated in years. One was a pretty successful model and is still very pretty. Another a financial broker. Another owns her own small business. The latest one I’m lucky if we get together once a month. Imagine that I actually want more interaction than she does!

Sorry, didn’t intend to make this about me and clearly this is not going to cheer you up but if all you’re finding is broken, yeah, I have too plus add in those with no yearning to date. I just seem to remember you talking about at least a few guys who really wanted to date you and you even said you can’t find anything wrong with them yet you had no interest. Are you changing that story now? I swear there was a few but you could not bring yourself to give them the chance they appeared to deserve. Yet broken cowboy got a huge chance. I guess that’s what I’m seeing.

My renewed fav radio psychologist lost her husband a few years ago and says these exact things. She’s pickier than I am and doesn’t think she will ever find someone worthy. She’s mot given up but no longer tries. Maybe that’s the story with those dozens I know. It’s also why I’ve not gone on nearly the number of dates you have, mostly by choice. At least you’re still trying and rolling the dice.

I stand by that overall you handled this well. Certainly room for improvement but well. I wish I had better news. It’s not hopeless but it’s also a huge challenge. FWIW it didn’t get really bad until my early 50s. So by that calculation you’ve still got at least 8 decent years to go.

HAVE A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

[LH19]

I wish I could but I can’t - at least not when it comes to women.

What about these women make you feel they are low quality?

On top of that my list of quality women who don’t at all care to date grows.

Why is this? I have an idea but like to hear your thoughts.

One was a pretty successful model and is still very pretty.

Hmmmm.

Another a financial broker.

Women typically (KML) only date man as successful or more successful them. Most really successful man tend to date multiple women or date younger. I am willing to bet she doesn't want to share a man or date a 60 year old man.

Another owns her own small business.

See above

The latest one I’m lucky if we get together once a month. Imagine that I actually want more interaction than she does!

Are you sleeping with this woman?

I just seem to remember you talking about at least a few guys who really wanted to date you and you even said you can’t find anything wrong with them yet you had no interest.

I think you are on to something Don.

Are you changing that story now? I swear there was a few but you could not bring yourself to give them the chance they appeared to deserve. Yet broken cowboy got a huge chance. I guess that’s what I’m seeing.

Seems like pysch 101.

My renewed fav radio psychologist lost her husband a few years ago and says these exact things. She’s pickier than I am and doesn’t think she will ever find someone worthy. She’s mot given up but no longer tries. Maybe that’s the story with those dozens I know. It’s also why I’ve not gone on nearly the number of dates you have, mostly by choice. At least you’re still trying and rolling the dice.

It's a numbers game. As long as your ok alone you can't lose.

I stand by that overall you handled this well. Certainly room for improvement but well. I wish I had better news. It’s not hopeless but it’s also a huge challenge. FWIW it didn’t get really bad until my early 50s. So by that calculation you’ve still got at least 8 decent years to go.

Don what changed when you got in your early 50s?

[bttrfly]

As for why I am “attracted” to any of these “broken” men. I will not call it a trauma bond, but I have lived a hard life from day one. I never had it easy, I’ve had it very challenging . My childhood wasn’t great, and because of that we all know how my early adulthood went . Chose a bad partner . That was when I was “broken” I know hardship and I can relate to others who have known hardship. It’s something in common. But I don’t consider myself broken. Texan is broken. It makes me very sad for him. But the guy who grew up with a great childhood and had everything easy makes it kind of hard for me to relate I guess. Or maybe I feel like they can’t relate to me. But there is a fine line between broken and those who knew hardship. I find that character can be developed from a hard life abs overcoming obstacles and coming out on top. That’s something that is very attractive tics to me and I can relate to.

So I hope that explains it a bit better. Do I entertain these “broken” men longer than I should? Yea. A part of me understands their pain.

My darling girl, I've known people who seemingly had idyllic childhoods. Everything you could want for your kids - great schools, strong family bonds, enough money to do absolutely anything they wanted, some from exceptionally well-connected families. Yet, those people still struggled. It's the human struggle G. What I'm saying is don't go by what's readily obvious. You might be surprised if you gave one of those guys a chance ... the two of you might relate on the really important things in an unexpected way. I'm thinking of one of my close friends right now - there's no way a second generation Italian kid from a blue collar family should have anything in common with someone from his background, yet we do, and those bonds are tighter than you could imagine. All I'm saying is keep your mind open.

Now there's also the not feeling comfortable in that world. I get it. My son's godfather comes from that world, and when we would vacation together as an extended family I had to overcome my own feelings of not being good enough because of my working class family background. Maybe that's something to think about for you too? I will say this - as i've lived more, gotten more 'seasoned' I've also become way more comfortable in my own skin. Everything that's happened to me, absolutely everything, has made me who I am today and I'm a freaking unicorn. Someone would be really lucky to have me in their life. I'm not boasting. I'm not saying I'm without faults - one look around my messier-than-I'd-like house will give me ample things to put myself down over, but the real core of me? That's not gold, it's titanium. I see that in you, which leads me here:

You could have achieved the same outcome but without much of the pain, anxiety and drama had you gone slower and made him prove himself BEFORE he was given the prize of becoming your boyfriend. You gave him the prize and then allowed him to win it. Typically people have to win the game before getting the trophy. You chose to give him the trophy at the start of the game.

Baby girl, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! YOU ARE THE TROPHY! Believe that. Live that. You are NOT a "presentation trophy" for some guy who actually shows up. YOU ARE THE REAL DEAL Super G. Do you know what I always call you that, think of you as Super G? Because YOU are INCREDIBLE!
I'm not blowing smoke up your comely @$$ or saying this because it's your birthday. I'm saying this because it's the truth.

Look at where you started out in your life.
Look at what you've overcome.
Look at what an absolutely OUTSTANDING job you've done as a mother.

You have more compassion and forgiveness than most people I've met in my lifetime put together. It shows in how you are with your Dad and stepmom, despite how your dad behaves at times. It shows in how you are with your exh and his wife. I'm in awe of you.

Look at how good you are at your job.
Look at what esteem you're held in by your colleagues.

Take a good look at the you we all see.

Don't give her away as a participation trophy. You're worth much more than that.

Happy birthday G.

I love ya kehd!

xoxoxox

[bttrfly]

and one more thing:

let's turn this suc&er on it's head- instead of:

"I've had to struggle all my life for everything"

let's try this:

"I've earned everything I have through hard work, intelligence, discipline and character and I'm worth it!"

[Ginger1]

B-I read your post yesterday and again and again and it made me cry! Thank you for putting everything in perspective for me. It’s so hard for me because every year since my ex left I said “this year will be different, I wont be alone and I’ll have a family” it never happened. It was a tough bullet to bite getting married having a kid and divorcing before 30. Having everyone tell you all the time you’ll meet someone have more kids, a family, etc, and it never happening.

But I do look at the blessings in my life. A great kid. A career. Friends. My health. Maybe no money, but I have a roof over my head and food on the table and I work hard for the extras. I may not do to well in the area of romantic relationships and men choosing or attracting. But I guess not so bad in other areas.

My birthday was kind of miserable. My friend missed her flight, then her second one got cancelled, and my other friend had her last day of quarantine of covid yesterday. So the people I was supposed to spend my birthday with couldn’t make it, therefore, I spent it alone. D stayed, because she was going to a show at the school with a friend. I went to the gym in the morning, ran some errands ( picked D up early from school because she whacked her head the night before and had a headache and no Tylenol) brought D to her thing and got a massage then watched the hockey game. I was just down in the dumps. Texan did reach out the night before . He admitted to a problem. And he went to his first AA meeting yesterday. If anything comes out of us, maybe it’s recovery, but who knows if he is trying for the right reasons. Another guy from my past reached out to randomly, but not realizing it was birthday.

Today will be a better day. My friend’s flight should be coming in at 2pm. Hopefully. They are staying here tonight, hopefully tomorrow we will go to our other friend and the winery.

Thanks for all the support and birthday wishes

[bttrfly]

B-I read your post yesterday and again and again and it made me cry! Thank you for putting everything in perspective for me. It’s so hard for me because every year since my ex left I said “this year will be different, I wont be alone and I’ll have a family” it never happened. It was a tough bullet to bite getting married having a kid and divorcing before 30. Having everyone tell you all the time you’ll meet someone have more kids, a family, etc, and it never happening.

Far and away one of the most difficult parts of my D was losing my family. It's taken me what, 7 years since BD to start to have a different perspective on this: I DO have a family, it just looks a whole lot different than the one I thought I'd have at this age. I have my son, and I thank God every day that he's still here. I now have this amazing person in the form of his gf who is a pure delight. You know how much I miss my parents, but my cousins, especially those on my Mom's side, are nearby and I'm learning with each passing year how much they care about us. Is it the same? No. Do I miss my exh ... yeah, I do sometimes miss the guy he used to be, but he hasn't been that guy in well over a decade. But I have close friends who are family. At this point, they've been on this road with me for a really long time - my bff from HS, some since my early 20s. I'm talking the inner circle people - and I know you know what I mean because you have them too. So the family doesn't exactly look the way I pictured it, but the people who are here in our lives want to be here, and love us. This is a true gift, G. Embrace the unconventional family you have in the form of your closest friends.

But I do look at the blessings in my life. A great kid. A career. Friends. My health. Maybe no money, but I have a roof over my head and food on the table and I work hard for the extras. I may not do to well in the area of romantic relationships and men choosing or attracting. But I guess not so bad in other areas.

A grateful heart is key.

My birthday was kind of miserable. My friend missed her flight, then her second one got cancelled, and my other friend had her last day of quarantine of covid yesterday. So the people I was supposed to spend my birthday with couldn’t make it, therefore, I spent it alone. D stayed, because she was going to a show at the school with a friend. I went to the gym in the morning, ran some errands ( picked D up early from school because she whacked her head the night before and had a headache and no Tylenol) brought D to her thing and got a massage then watched the hockey game. I was just down in the dumps.

Is not-so-little G ok?

One of my oldest and dearest friends shares your bday. She too had a miserable day yesterday. I'm going to chalk it up to getting all the misery out in the first 24 hours so the rest of your collective birthday year(s) will be wonderful!

Texan did reach out the night before . He admitted to a problem. And he went to his first AA meeting yesterday. If anything comes out of us, maybe it’s recovery, but who knows if he is trying for the right reasons. Another guy from my past reached out to randomly, but not realizing it was birthday.

I'd say that it doesn't really matter why someone starts their journey to sobriety/recovery, just as long as they start it. Sooner or later they will realize that they are in fact now doing it for the right reasons, regardless of how they started, or they will relapse. That's the usual way that goes, from my observation.

Today will be a better day. My friend’s flight should be coming in at 2pm. Hopefully. They are staying here tonight, hopefully tomorrow we will go to our other friend and the winery.

Thanks for all the support and birthday wishes

Only one way to go from a miserable day and that's up. You always have my support G. xoxoxo enjoy your time with the gals xoxoxo

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Happy belated. Sorry your birthday didn't go as planned, or rather miserable, but hope your friend made it into town and you had fun at the winery.

I'm sure it can be lonely and frustrating at times without a long term partner, but I like your perspective on your life blessings: a great kid, career, friends, health, house...etc. All good stuff.

Here to another trip around the sun!

[Traveler]

@Ginger, happy birthday! I'm sorry you spent yours alone. I'm glad to hear Texan is going to AA. Whatever his motive, that's a sign you were a good influence on his life. He sounds like he's trying. I wonder if he'll get a second chance?

[Ginger1]

Thanks for the birthday wishes! The day after my friends finally came in. They stayed here, we went out to dinner and I got lots and lots of cuddle time with the baby. He’s a 2 month old 10 pounder . So sweet and cute, even when he cries. I love to watch my friend and husband. They work so well together and love that baby so much. They did a few rounds of IVF and when they decided to take a break, they got pregnant on their own! The next day we went to our other friends and went to a really nice winery by her house. Rented a cabana and ate and drank some wine.

TodAy I am going to the gym and maybe going to a kind of “famous” Korean day spa we have here. There is a rooftop pool that over looks NYC. A day of relaxation! Back to the grind tomorrow

[JujuB]

Hi ginger - Happy Belated Birthday!

I just read up and I’m glad to see you are healthy and your daughter is doing great and you are independently holding down a home in an area most people could never do.

I’m sorry you are meeting so many losers. It’s not you. It’s just not. You have absolutely everything going for you. Looks, career, personality, insight, and emotional intelligence.

So maybe just put your energies torwards the person most deserving of it - you. Self care and self love is a luxury that those in relationships don’t always have the time for. So take advantage of it now with the work outs and spas maybe some travel and reading. Enjoy that opportunity and when the right person comes along everything will fall into place.

[uRworthy]

Hey my friend. I know you know you have a lot of great things to be grateful for. I also hope you know how amazing you are.

But I get it. You want someone to share a life with. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't mean you cant or don't appreciate all that you have. You just want it.

Nothing wrong or abnormal or selfish about that.

I believe truly, that it happens like this... when you dont expect it and when you dont go after it. I dont mean dont go on dates. I dont mean just forget it. What I mean is..I think it happens when it is supposed to. I am not sure if it is God who plans it or if it is what you put out in the world or anything else.

I just mean that you have to live your life. You have to let it go and just let it happen.

I do think that you do attract people with issues. Not consciously. Not because of something you do or dont. But you are a very compassionate person. And while others may not give someone a second glance or chance, you would.

You know I have been telling you for years that you have to do something different than what you have been.

I am not sure what it is exactly. I dont think online dating is working for you at the moment. There is nothing wrong with it. I just think you should take a little break.

Put yourself out there in groups of things you are interested in. Or start your own group.
Think outside the box a bit. Try something new. You have nothing to lose.

[Ginger1]

Juju! I’m so happy to hear from you and I’m so glad you are doing well. Getting married?!? That’s awesome! Of course, I wish I could have gone on one date and found the guy I wanted to marry, but obviously not meant for me and I am meeting lots of losers and it’s draining. Thanks for all your kind words. I am really super excited for you and your son.

I’ve turned my attention away from OLD for a bit. It seems like a necessary evil, but I’m not having luck. I do agree, UR, that I might attract these people because of compassionate nature and wanting to give people who have struggled a chance likewise. I do need to become more discerning.

As far as doing something different. I’ve joined a new gym which I love. It’s all classes and small
Personal training. I could only hope Mr. right joins a class or maybe I become friends with someone who has a single friend. I take up the offer on nearly every social invite I get. Even when I feel like doing nothing. I’m social, I’m not a hermit, although sometimes I wish I was, lol.

I guess it’s still not my time. I’m the meantime, I’m just going to keep on chugging along

[Ginger1]

I forgot to mention. I had a dream about my ex.

I had my friends here and spent time with them and their new baby. I just loved watching their partnership, how good they are to eachother, what relaxed parents they are and how happy they are.

I guess that manifested itself in a dream for me. My ex and I had our daughter again. And we were in love. We were eating up every moment of our daughter, being so helpful to eachother and we had so much love for eachother .

I wish I could have a do over sometimes. I didn’t get to enjoy it the way I should have. The tension was there, I knew something wasn’t right . And then by 6 months , I was a single parent going through complete devastation. I didn’t get to enjoy my one and only’s early years the way I should have. I was blinded by hurt and fear. It probably the biggest thing taken away from me in all of this

[BL42]

Dreams are tough. Impossible to control, and tempting in fantasy, yet you wake up to face a stark reality.

[Mach1]

Been thinking about your plight through this all, and your history of dating....

I would imagine that you come across to many prospects out there as intimidating as hell.

They see you, and want to try it. Like you are some kind of a lifetime achievement award for them. Then they get to know you and they find out that you really aren't all that you advertise.

You are more....

We go through this DB stuff, and we become these people who aren't (well, most aren't) afraid of ourselves, or the truth, or hearing the bad and finding a way to turn that into a positive in our lives...

Most people that we meet in our lives are nowhere close to where we are in terms of being self aware, self correcting, self motivated to do better. We should be communicating better, not reacting to our emotions, and striving to do better in every situation that we come across....

And that's a pretty intimidating hill to try and climb for anyone that hasn't done that kind of work on himself......

be in touch with my emotions? WTF is that about, I'm out of here !!!



I would imagine that you come across a lot of "Hobosexuals"....

Men looking for sex and a place to crash.....lol

I've said this to you for years now....JUST BE YOU, and stop trying to define where you are in a relationship.

Remember Einstein's definition of insanity, and you have been doing the same things over and over....and the results ?

By nature, and who you are....

You are intimidating to most normal men. We are typically stupid, and want to be "the man" in a relationship....

Odd, because we often fail.

You are worth it,, you are intelligent, you are beautiful, you are courageous....

And I am pretty sure that any guy would rather go through an IRS investigation rather than Little G do it....

Men fall in love using their eyes.....Women fall in love using their ears....



Talk later ?

[Ginger1]

At 10pm I finally have a chance to reply on here. The full moon is a real
Thing in healthcare.

As you know, the above made me shed some tears. Good tears.

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it. And I think where I truly go wrong Is wanting these guys who have been through heck to have their sh!t together too. Bit as we know, they don’t. I know that I attract men that have been through hell and as I have said I feel I initially can connect with them more. Bit as time goes on….. I am making it, and many of them still are floundering . And I imagine that might become too much. And for me, quite honestly, it just becomes frustrating for me.

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex. It sounds like it should be simple, but it’s been harder and more impossible for me than I have ever imagined. But I know being single is not who I am.

I’ve had some very humbling feel good yet boost my ego moments at work this week. There is a patient care tech on my unit who is 24. He’s going to med school. He is an incredibly good looking guy, sweet, smart and everything I hope my daughter chooses in a man. I think he looks up to me as a big sister ( won’t say mom!) and he comes and decompresses and talks to me and seeks my advice all the time. He’s been on 7 dates with someone he met on hinge and actually seeks my advice ! ( ironic, right ?) he is an incredible human being the way he treats and respects women and people . He’s going to make a wonderful compassionate doctor one day.

Every unit in our hospital has a case manager and social worker that works together . We work closely with PT and OT and speech for discharge planning. The PT we have this month ( my personal
Favorite) came to our office today and said “BTW, our department as a whole voted that you guys ( me and my social worker) are our favorite , hands down” that really made me feel so good today!

Finally. This past Saturday night I get a text from ex saying “D can’t have a conversation without getting nasty and It didn’t end well for her” I texted her and and said if she was mouthy with her father she should apologize. She said “no, you wouldnt believe what he did to a 14 year old kid” I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she said jo, she wanted to go to bed and she would tell me when I Picked her up the next morning.

I pick her up to take her to the mall, and she tells me her recount. Something happened on TV during the hockey game and my F gets a little hyped up and got mouthy when he had the opposite opinion of a ref call. She told her her father screamed at her at three a pillow at her. He went beserk, she began crying and hyperventilating and went to her room. The next morning she apologized for being out old line. She said “bit dad was out of line too and he didn’t apologize to me!” I did tell her she did the right thing and her father apaobitleu should have apologized because he was wrong too. The good news is, I see she is learning that it’s ok to be wrong, but you need to own it. And she kept her side of the street clean by owning her part .

I’m proud of her. We ended up having a nice long day together at the mall. Expensive for me, but she was a happy kid.

I’m making a difference somehow some way and that’s what’s most important. I just want to leave good imprint on this world. It’s personally important to me. And a relationship does not define that

[Mach1]

At 10pm I finally have a chance to reply on here. The full moon is a real
Thing in healthcare.

As you know, the above made me shed some tears. Good tears.

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it. And I think where I truly go wrong Is wanting these guys who have been through heck to have their sh!t together too. Bit as we know, they don’t. I know that I attract men that have been through hell and as I have said I feel I initially can connect with them more. Bit as time goes on….. I am making it, and many of them still are floundering . And I imagine that might become too much. And for me, quite honestly, it just becomes frustrating for me.

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex. It sounds like it should be simple, but it’s been harder and more impossible for me than I have ever imagined. But I know being single is not who I am.

I would imagine that there are so many 'broken' people just looking for almost the same thing.

Mostly looking for Sex, or a Mother figure, somebody to be a "right now" fix for their long term dysfunction by hding in your emotional 'basement'....

Someone whole, to help put back together their pieces...

Someone to help them not be in whatever pain that they are in.

NOT understanding that the "pain" , is what separates you from them...

YOU faced yours and did the work, they haven't..



And most of them probably don't even know that about themselves until they find out that they are an emotional pony, running in your race horse world.

YOUR definition of what love looks like is so much different than what - I would imagine- the majority of other peoples looks like. I would think that you are a magnet for someone looking to be fixed...

I had always heard that if you vent down, you grow down...

And to grow upward, you vent upward....

So if you date an emotional 3 , and you are an emotional 9....

That must be like shopping for Gucci at the Dollar store.....for ONE of you....

Change that up a bit....

How available are you with your time , I mean with all that you fill your life with...

How available are you to get a outside of your comfort zone a bit?

And with that, I mean how welcoming is you aura and spirit to welcoming the unexpected ??

It's when your heart and spirit are open, and your eyes closed, that IT will find you my dear...

Your person is out there, and they are just as frustrated as you are right now. Which , I would imagine, has them just as closed off and shopping in the same stores as you are...over and over again, seeing the same items in the clearance bin...


No offense meant....but there is a reason that most daytime soap operas typically center around a hospital.

My ex was in the medical field....she went through 3 Doctors until THEY hit the jackpot with that one...

To have different results....DO different...

I’m making a difference somehow some way and that’s what’s most important. I just want to leave good imprint on this world. It’s personally important to me. And a relationship does not define that

You are more than you think ....

And that's the best thing I've heard you say in a long time....

[Cadet]

My ex was in the medical field....she went through 3 Doctors until THEY hit the jackpot with that one...

HUH?

They hit the jackpot with your ex?

[kml]

he is an incredible human being the way he treats and respects women and people . He’s going to make a wonderful compassionate doctor one day.

Ask him if he has a single big brother - or a single dad!

[Dawn70]

I like your most recent post, G. It sounds strong and confident, like you! And, of course, the hunky young med student comes to you for advice. You are a warm, caring, compassionate person who knows what is what. Who wouldn't want to seek your guidance? So, lose that little part you put in parenthesis about it being ironic, because girl, you got it goin' on and everyone seems to know it but you.

I hope you do truly realize that you are so much more than a relationship. I get that you want that strong, positive, MALE companionship in the form of a good romantic partner and I assure you that season is coming for you. In the meantime, keep rockin' it like you are because you are fabulous!

[Mach1]

My ex was in the medical field....she went through 3 Doctors until THEY hit the jackpot with that one...

HUH?

They hit the jackpot with your ex?

I think that we all (all four of us) did....

They got their participation trophies, and I received a renewed/revised relationship with our two beautiful children....

[Cadet]

My ex was in the medical field....she went through 3 Doctors until THEY hit the jackpot with that one...

HUH?

They hit the jackpot with your ex?

They got their participation trophies

OK - I totally agree that YOU and I hit the jackpot.

[MLCxH]

Ginger,
I was debating whether to post this or not because it can come across as harsh. I am posting it in the hope that you can take whatever makes sense and use it to improve yourself. Know that this is not a judgement on you and does not diminish my opinion of the great mother and person that you are.

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it.

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.

By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it. And I think where I truly go wrong Is wanting these guys who have been through heck to have their sh!t together too. Bit as we know, they don’t. I know that I attract men that have been through hell and as I have said I feel I initially can connect with them more.

There are many guys who have their sh1t together. You attracting these men is not the issue. The problem is you being attracted to these me. And I am not the only one who thinks this way. Don gave you similar feedback earlier

There is something about these very broken guys that you seem to be very attracted to and comfortable with. It’s way above my pay grade to annualize - I just know it’s the case. You’re not attracting these guys - you’re attracted to these guys. Seems to me you need to figure out why you’re not attracted to the good guys.

Mostly looking for Sex, or a Mother figure, somebody to be a "right now" fix for their long term dysfunction by hding in your emotional 'basement'....

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words. Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too. In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not. Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan. If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

There are two things I feel you can do better and they will help you, in my opinion.

But I know being single is not who I am.

First, drop this attitude. If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships. Embrace being single. You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person. Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal. People like to give advice that 'you are the prize' but that only works in specific scenarios like LRT. If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

[Ginger1]

I am going to speak to this post first because it was easier to post on my phone

Ginger,
I was debating whether to post this or not because it can come across as harsh. I am posting it in the hope that you can take whatever makes sense and use it to improve yourself. Know that this is not a judgement on you and does not diminish my opinion of the great mother and person that you are.

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it.

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.


I agree that there are a portion who have taken advantage of my good nature. Cannot disagree with that. I do think there are some who maybe aren’t “intimidated “ but maybe bothered by me having my [censored] together.

By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it. And I think where I truly go wrong Is wanting these guys who have been through heck to have their sh!t together too. Bit as we know, they don’t. I know that I attract men that have been through hell and as I have said I feel I initially can connect with them more.

There are many guys who have their sh1t together. You attracting these men is not the issue. The problem is you being attracted to these me. And I am not the only one who thinks this way. Don gave you similar feedback earlier

Quite honestly, I believe there are many guys who have their it together. I haven’t met one yet. No, I lie, I haven’t met who is single, but I know some great men who are taken. I honestly have not even been given the chance to turn down one of these men who have their sh!t together. Probably doesn’t reflect well on me that I haven’t met one . And trust me, o haven’t

There is something about these very broken guys that you seem to be very attracted to and comfortable with. It’s way above my pay grade to annualize - I just know it’s the case. You’re not attracting these guys - you’re attracted to these guys. Seems to me you need to figure out why you’re not attracted to the good guys.

Mostly looking for Sex, or a Mother figure, somebody to be a "right now" fix for their long term dysfunction by hding in your emotional 'basement'....

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

Absolutely, I agree . I got played until they found something better. They all did including my ex, lol

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words. Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too. In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not. Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan. If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

There are two things I feel you can do better and they will help you, in my opinion.

I don’t know how desperate I could possibly be after being single for the greater part of my 15 years. Earlier in my single years, I was more desperate . Now I’m not at all. I have said no to men who have wanted relationships with me . And no, they didn’t have their sh!t together. At all. But I could have been with them if I was desperate

And let me clarify about “E” I don’t know where you got he “listens to his kids too much” as what deterred me. He told me he does what his kids tell because he was SCARED of them. They are bigger than him and have anger issues according to him . He was scared of his older teenage sons. He couldn’t make an independent decision. I wouldn’t drop a guy because he listens to his kids. One that is scared of his own children ? Yes, I’m sorry, but that shows a very weak man to me . And he was. He still also told me his father has the final say on most things because held there purse strings . and still needed the input of his ex wife on his life.

But I know being single is not who I am.

First, drop this attitude. If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships. Embrace being single. You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person. Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal. People like to give advice that 'you are the prize' but that only works in specific scenarios like LRT. If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

Well, this is ironic. I get told I’m self depreciating and don’t realize what I bring to the table, then when I acknowledge what I bring to the table I put myself on a pedestal? Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. I totally understand 2 people being different things to a relationship . And what one values can definitely value. I am open minded and I recognize that. Different people different values, one doesn’t make one person better than the other .

Interesting feed back, I appreciate the time you took to post. I agree on some points, not on others and will certainly marinate on it all

[Ginger1]

I’m officially here to address the rest

I appreciate the kind uplifting words . I know I can also live my lows too.
I’m far from perfect. I’m far from putting myself on a pedestal. I am just striving to fit in and be “normal” everyday . Doesn’t always work out that way.

Yea here I am .

[MLCxH]

Well, this is ironic. I get told I’m self depreciating and don’t realize what I bring to the table, then when I acknowledge what I bring to the table I put myself on a pedestal? Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

Recognize that one can be self deprecating in some aspects and the opposite in other aspects. I was not saying you are putting yourself on a pedestal. I was saying you need to be self-confident and not self deprecating but at the same time guard against going to the other extreme and putting yourself on a pedestal.

[MLCxH]

I also want to thank you for reading my post and responding with an open mind.

As I said at the start of my post, you are a great mother and person. I want you to be happy and so I was giving feedback that could help you improve yourself instead of just saying uplifting things. The intent was not to be harsh or take away from the many positives you have. And yes, I am possibly wrong about some things since I only know you through your posts here so take the advice with that perspective in mind.

[Mach1]

I do think men are intimidated by me. By all I’ve been through and the fact that I’ve got most of poop together despite it.

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.

Actually, it's probably a little of both.....

But then again, taking advantage of a good hearted person who is willing to give herself totally...

And being willing to accept that...????

Wouldn't that be........ dysfunctional ?

A good person who has their sh!t together, is honest, loyal, self aware, self policing, makes good money, owns her own home and has single handedly raised a very bright and well adapted Daughter...

Yea, that shouldn't intimidate anyone ....

Mostly looking for Sex, or a Mother figure, somebody to be a "right now" fix for their long term dysfunction by hding in your emotional 'basement'....

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

My comment was to the overall genre of online dating...

There are probably more trolls in that arena than anywhere else...

I do finally realize my relationship status doesn’t define me. I just really want some healthy companionship of the opposite sex.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words. Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too. In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not. Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan. If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

Totally agree that G moves through courting right to where she sees long term. I think that has settled a wee bit recently...

Desperation has turned into frustration for someone that "wants" to be in a relationship as badly as G wants one....

If you were to read her history here, you would know that G was just coming into the life she had envisioned when the excrement collided with the rotational device....

So what makes that different for her ?

She isn't looking for anything that any other human in the world hasn't craved at some point.

So what is it that makes her different than the others. ????


Is it the pond in which she is fishing ??

Is it some kind of defect in the universe that allows her to not find constant companionship ??

I wish for G that she knew that answer....

But she is here, and trying to find those answers.....

Personally, I think that she puts way too much pressure on herself to be one way or another. And I have told her that many times in the past.

Tommy Boy....right G ??

Where Tommy is trying to make the sale, and he crashes the toy car and it burst into flames....

But I know being single is not who I am.

First, drop this attitude. If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships. Embrace being single. You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person. Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal. People like to give advice that 'you are the prize' but that only works in specific scenarios like LRT. If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

I think that you are correct in theory...

Maybe just mis-calculating a bit....

G is the prize...

I am the prize

You are the prize....

That IS self loving and confidence...




Sorry G, if I spoke about you like you weren't here....

This is a good conversation.....you should join...: )

[LH19]

I don't think men are intimidated by you. There may be some who are, but it has not generally been the case from what I have read on your thread earlier. If anything, I have seen them take advantage of your good nature.

I believe he is talking about Mark here. I can't really think of anyone else who fits this bill.

There are many guys who have their sh1t together. You attracting these men is not the issue. The problem is you being attracted to these me. And I am not the only one who thinks this way. Don gave you similar feedback earlier.

I agree and I also agree it is above our pay grade to know if you are self sabotaging.

If you took an honest look at your past, you could argue that some of them were not truly attracted to you. Some of the men Mach mentions above were probably dysfunctional. But I feel most of them were just playing you till they found something better.

I am not sure what he means here unless he is talking about Mark.

I have not seen your actions be consistent with your words.

This is true. You are done with online dating and waiting until you move for a month then back to online dating.

Your desperation to be in a relationship is obvious and I suspect it comes across to potential partners too.

I think desperation is a tad strong. You have been single mostly the last 14 years. You would like to be a relationship which is understandable.

In my opinion you are looking for a 'happy ever after' and want it quickly, whether you realize it or not.

This I agree with. It is like you have an internal clock.

Your desperation is why you moved too quickly with the Texan.

I disagree here. I think you moved quickly because he did and you liked him.

If I recollect, there was another person (E?) you broke up with because you felt 'he listens to his kids too much. To me, someone prioritizing the opinion or wishes of their teenage kids over someone they have known for a few weeks is a sign of good character. It is possible he tried to sugar coat things to avoid offending you, but it's not hard to guess the real reason.

You definitely do not like passive nice guys.

If you define yourself as a person that is not meant to be single, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and that pressure will translate to your relationships.

We are not wired to be single and most single people are because of choice.

Embrace being single.

Yes!

You have to love yourself first and feel complete without another person.

I believe you have the first part down just not the second part.

Counter intuitive yes, but like DB that's when you will have the best chance of settling down with someone.

Maybe and maybe not.

Second, be self-confident and have high standards but ask yourself whether you are putting yourself on a pedestal.

Are you able to offer the person you are attracted to what they are looking for in a partner? I think we all struggle with understanding attraction.

If you are the prize in a relationship, it is not a relationship of equals which is not good. What you bring to the relationship may not be what the other person values. Focus on whether the other person brings what you value in a relationship and whether you are providing what they value.

Yep. See above.

[Ginger1]

Well, hello my friends! Busy day running around. My kid was diagnosed with a concussion today but it’s 2 weeks out and she is fine. She whacked her head on the kitchen table bending down to pic something up. She truly is my child. We then did some more shopping and spent my money. Shocking, lol.

What really jumps out at me here and what I have been trying to express is what Mach said.

Why am I different than anyone else who is desiring a partner? It’s completely human nature. Humans are meant to be connected to other humans. What I am searching for is pretty much no different than any other human.

I can openly admit, that I was desperate for it many years ago. After I had my family destroyed before my c section scar even fully healed was devastating . I took some time to just focus on surviving and raising a baby pretty much on my own. And when some of that dust settled, I probably was desperate to try to get in some way shape or form what was taken from me. But I surely am desperate anymore. Frustrated is for sure the proper word. I feel frustration that this all is so elusive to me. Frustrated in the quality of men I am finding . And I wouldn’t doubt my frustration is coming through. But definitely not desperation.

I absolutely believe I am a complete person without a partner. I don’t need a partner to make me feel whole or worthy. Again, I want a connection. A soul connection . I don’t want a “happily ever after” I want what most humans want. A companion I connect with on an emotional
Level. Having that or not having that doesn't make me any less or more while complete. I am really no different than other human in this area.

Maybe people who come to these boards have spent their adulthood in a partnership. I haven’t. I know who I am without one more than most. I’ve wholly accomplished many of things people do with their partner by their side. I have had zero emotional support on raising my daughter. I don’t have a mom or a sister. I didn’t have a husband. I will put my self on a step stool for a second because I have emotionally done so much from childhood to now alone. Not many can say that.

I’ll never know what it’s like to raise a child with a partner. And most people know what’s that’s like, even if that partner wasn’t the bio parent. It’s not a norm.

And I’ve done it. And I’m whole .

And I’ve embraced being single many times. Majority of the time it’s fantastic. Then there are times it’s awful. Just like marriage, perhaps?

Oh, and as for the Texan. LH is right. And he wanted the happily ever after with me more than me . “Moving fast” however is all in words in and it in action. Never met my friends, he didn’t move in, never met my family. We moved along words fast, but not actions, actually all him, not much me .

And now, I am single again and fine . I’m not back online . And I take breaks, but I never said I would quit online dating all together.

Anyways, if you made it this far, I would love to hear what your thoughts on this is.

My daughter tells me that her father is leaving for a 6 day dolor vacation to island of at Maarten next Sunday. Im my head a secretly raged because he cries of poverty when he can do this along with another trip following and then another trip and after they got back from SF in April boils my blood. I am drowning financially, my daughter comes to me for everything and I don’t even know what a vacation is .

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

[Elbereth]

G,

I can’t recall where I heard this (maybe Esther Perel?) but I heard that we feel chemistry and are most attracted to people who either have issues we need to resolve or remind us trauma or difficulties. As the emotional effect of them is familiar to our bodies. After this was stated, it was discussed that true deep relationships develop slowly and are not exciting at first. That it takes time to see the parts of these people that don’t initially excite us, and to connect with them. These slower revealing parts are actually deeper parts and not easily shared when first meeting someone.

Anyway, I have no experience around this to tell you if this is true or not. But it did make me personally wonder about my attraction to my STBXH. It was pretty fast and extremely electrifying. And look what happened and what kind of person he turned out to be.

When I read all the recent content on your situation, I do wonder if taking the time with a few extra dates with guys that seem really put together but missing obvious immediate chemistry might be worth exploring? When I am ready to date, I am thinking about the same thing. I want my future relationship to develop slowly. I want to know who this new guy is before I get in deep and attached….which I found really hard to do with my STBXH with all that chemical reactions happening. Anyway, hope it gives you something else to think about.

I’m glad your daughter is okay! As for you XH…I agree, seems fishy. Easy for them to say they have no money, but then they manage to spend a lot. Of course, he could be doing it on credit. But unless it’s a guys trip, seems that he wouldn’t be doing it alone. Trust your gut on that one!

El

[AndrewP]

Anyways, if you made it this far, I would love to hear what your thoughts on this is.

Not sure what I would have to offer on this. You and I have chatted on and off over the years and we are definitely not each other's types so our points of view of what would make an appropriate partner is certainly different I would think.

I think that a lot of what it comes down to is that essentially nobody who is "available" in the adult dating world is "ready". There are those who have done the work to heal themselves and put in the effort to try to understand what they actually want in life like you and I have done, and those who like the you of 14 years ago who just "need" someone and jump right in.

I absolutely don't know, but expect that those people who are years out from their divorce, have their poop categorized into neat little piles, probably are very rare on many of the dating sites. From what I see, most of the people who are partaking of OLD fall into one of two categories. The freshly minted ones who want to fill the void they feel "right now" and the ones who are the long-haulers who just keep trying and trying hoping that the next frog will be "the one".

The poop pilers are from what I can see - again in my different geography - are out there living their lives as single people and aren't actively online. Without much effort I can think of a half-dozen women of my acquaintance who live close by who don't have a partner. A couple of them, I'm confident, would perhaps want one but they aren't actively hunting one down. I also know of at least 3-4 other men in just my small village in similar circumstances. So such people exist.

Certainly there are exceptions. Dawn for example who has a clear idea of who she is and the sort of person she would want in her life had a very successful OLD experience albeit with at least a few frogs she let go or had to shoo out the door. And also, I'm viewing this from the point of view of the women I see online in my own geography and age range. I have no idea what it's like at your age or what the situation is for guys. My gut feeling is that most of the guys online especially at a your younger age are either in it for the poontang or are looking for someone to take care of them. Undoubtedly for us older guys it would be more them looking for a nurse or a purse. My generation certainly didn't do as good of a job preparing for retirement than we should have.

So - not sure how helpful this is, but you are at least getting your money's worth from the comments.

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

Yeah - he's essentially told you in the past that he would be happy having you as a side-chick. As the old joke goes - the man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.

[kml]

Solo vacation? Unless he’s going fishing with his guy friends - then he’s having an affair. Is it really solo, or with friends but not his wife?

As for the dating - there was a time in my twenties when I really wanted to be in a new relationship. I’d come out of an unsatisfactory relationship, and just really wanted a new, “normal” relationship. I’d just started medical school and was surrounded by eligible guys. But the ones I liked could feel my neediness and weren’t interested. In fact my next (brief) boyfriend did come when I wasn’t expecting him. (The guitarist in a popular local band that my roommate and I used to go see sought me out - could have knocked me over with a feather).

Bottom line is - confidence is attractive. And guys are more likely to be interested if they have to work for it a bit.

[Ginger1]

Honestly. I thjng he is cheating. No friends are going with him. He hates fishing. And when I asked him what concert he is going to this Friday, he never answered me . I also think she knows he’s cheating . But won’t say anything. Don’t ask, don’t tell, Turn a blind eye. M

I took D and her friend to the city today to do an escape room. We had a good time and o am broke, lol. Then I had bought 2 tickets to a fundraiser dinner for my cousins son”s travel baseball team. I had bought one for the Texan. Bye bye $85! Bit k had a great time! She lives in the town over, the one I work in. When I came in, my personal podiatrist and also my colleague saw me and gave me a big hug and we chit chatted. He lives in that town too. He’s my age, and very, very cute and just such a good person. I became friends with his office manager and took care of 2 of her relatives and she lives across the street from me last house I lived in. Sadly, he is amazing. His wife is horrible and the town hates her. And she got his office manager fired. I realized I’d the Texan came. He would have been phased that the doc hugged me and talked to me. And I realized I wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun .

I want a guy I can have a good time with . That I never have to worry about in a social situation. Otherwise, it isn’t worth it. The Texan was not that guy. My ex was the guy I to worry aborigines all the time because he was so abrasive. I can’t do it anymore.

Tomorrow I work. Go to my dads and and go on a 20 mile bike ride. I can’t wait !

Single is wonderful honestly. Not having to worry about anyone else, is great. But I imagine there is a man I can never have to worry about around others and just enjoy his company and companionship and intimacy. And that’s all I’m willing to accept

[DonH]

I am drowning financially.

You’ve made and we’ve all seen this type of comment from you before. We’ve talked about it. But you say there is just nothing you can cut $$$ from. You never do anything, rarely spend money. Yet in less than a week…

AFTER CONCUSSION DIAGNOSIS: I pick her up to take her to the mall…

FROM A SEPARATE DAY: I’m proud of her. We ended up having a nice long day together at the mall. Expensive for me,

YET ANOTHER DAY: We then did some more shopping and spent my money. Shocking, lol.

AND FROM THIS WEEKEND: I took D and her friend to the city today to do an escape room. We had a good time and o am broke, lol.

ALSO FROM THIS WEEKEND: Then I had bought 2 tickets to a fundraiser dinner for my cousins son”s travel baseball team. I had bought one for the Texan. Bye bye $85!

I point these out not to be mean, not to toss it at you but to hopefully get you to realize that while yes, you live in an expensive area, at least part of you being “broke” is your spending habits and decision making. You just don’t seem to see it. Yet we do. You are broke in part because of the above - not because of where you live. If you move and continue to spend without a budget or at least without following the budget you may have, you will still be broke.

Might it be the same with the wash rinse repeat dating? You don’t see the patterns that others do? But sticking with $$$ multiple repeat trips to the mall, escape rooms, water park stays, Uber Eats, high priced fund raisers, Starbucks, and revolving credit card balances, are not likely any part of any budget that will get you out of debt.

Like dieting, exercise, and most things in life, including dating, finances and budgeting take routine and regular discipline and a solid plan to follow and not waiver from.

Just an observation.

[Ginger1]

Thank you for the input Don. Seriously, I’m not a spender. My kid needs clothes for the summer. So I got her some.

And yes, i wanted to do something special for her and her friend. Her friend is watching my dog for me, so I spent a few bucks. Most certainly not a regular occurrence. I don’t vacation, I cook most meals. I take advantage of all the free lunches and dinners provided by my job and that is my social life.

I pay for my gym. That’s my personal splurge. I used gift cards for myself at the mall. It is absolutely the area I live in . Trust me on this. I have a few extras in my life that I spend mo eh on sometimes, but not spending it wouldn’t make my financial situation that much better . And I don’t want to live like I don’t make any money. Unless somehow that would totally make me financially secure, but it won’t, because I have a pretty tight hold on my spending with some exceptions as these. I’m pretty cheap, actually.

[DejaVu6]

Really, really sorry to hear things didn’t work out with Texan G. Like Mach, I was hoping the radio silence was because you were having too much fun to log in and tell us about it. I get what you meant about wanting to weigh it out in your own head before getting the group consensus. Listening to your description of Texan, he reminds me very much of TDH (minus the jealousy and gambling). I, like you, was extremely hopeful in the beginning until I realized the extent of his drinking and then the lying about his drinking. He was also living his life in a very irresponsible way and seemed quite deluded when it came to the reality of his situation. Also like you… as soon as I made the decision to end it, I was really, really relieved.

I also wanted to say that I feel a particular kinship with you because I think we are similar people in terms of the men we are attracted to. I don’t think I was like that in my early life but a bit more so after my first divorce and now that I’ve had my second, this is a definite concern for me. I’ve realized that I feel safer with guys who my friends and family think aren’t worthy of me. I don’t know if that is true or not but this is just their observations from the outside looking in. I don’t think of myself as being superior to anyone but I do get what they are saying. When I really think about it, I think that if we end up dating people who we think may consider us to be a “step up”, it may be because it feels safer to us and less likely we will be left or broken up with in the dramatic way that both of us were. I’m not sure either of us have really come to terms with what a number that does on the self esteem. I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether. I wasn’t like that before. When I met XH online, I dated a few guys that I would swipe left on today for those reasons. But 54 year-old me doesn’t have the confidence that 36 year-old me did and that isn’t solely because I am older now.

Anyway…don’t want to hijack your thread by talking about my psychological issues…lol. I just wanted to send you a long distance hug and tell you that you are not alone. I still believe the right guy for you will come along one day. Probably when you least expect it. (((HUGS)))

[BL42]

My daughter tells me that her father is leaving for a 6 day dolor vacation to island of at Maarten next Sunday. Im my head a secretly raged because he cries of poverty when he can do this along with another trip following and then another trip and after they got back from SF in April boils my blood. I am drowning financially, my daughter comes to me for everything and I don’t even know what a vacation is .

Your post-D financial situation is simply not fair. It'd boil my blood as well. You have majority of custody yet ExH pays a pittance in child support? I care for my kids more than ExW yet I pay her mortgage! Your ExH should help his daughter more financially...especially if he can swing multiple vacations like that.

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

But unless it’s a guys trip, seems that he wouldn’t be doing it alone. Trust your gut on that one!

Yeah - he's essentially told you in the past that he would be happy having you as a side-chick. As the old joke goes - the man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.

Solo vacation? Unless he’s going fishing with his guy friends - then he’s having an affair. Is it really solo, or with friends but not his wife?

Honestly. I thjng he is cheating. No friends are going with him. He hates fishing. And when I asked him what concert he is going to this Friday, he never answered me . I also think she knows he’s cheating . But won’t say anything. Don’t ask, don’t tell, Turn a blind eye. M

I know you've commented in the past you hope he isn't cheat / break up with OW for the sake of D14's stability, but is it alright if I secretly hope for it for you? That would be great validation for you and the karma he & OW deserve ;-)

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

So people are swiping left on profiles which aren't good enough and ones which are too good? Basically, none of us have a chance! LOL

[LH19]

I know you've commented in the past you hope he isn't cheat / break up with OW for the sake of D14's stability, but is it alright if I secretly hope for it for you? That would be great validation for you and the karma he & OW deserve ;-)

What kind of validation would Ginger get? She knows she's better off w/o exh. She knows she is better than OW. Daughter has to go through another busted family. Karma for exh? He has an exw he gets along great with, a wife at home to split the bills and a side piece to go to the islands with on vacation. Maybe karma for OW but she too will learn she is better of w/o exh.

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

Well now I understand a little better why Vu swipes right on 1 of 200.

[kml]

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

Hmmmm. I'll admit that sometimes if it looks too good to be true - it isn't true. A model handsome guy with lots of money? Usually a Nigerian scammer.

Still - if you're just swiping left on people who are real just because you think you don't deserve them, you may be doing yourself a disservice. You have a lot to offer. (My best friend avoids the pretty guys too though because she's afraid they'll cheat. Not really my experience with the handsome guys I've dated since my divorce - they were no better nor worse in that regard than other men. )

As for the younger guys - it's an issue at your age. Not so much age but their stage of life. I mean, a guy who is ten years younger than you but has a ten year old kid - could be a great fit. A guy who is ten years younger, hasn't had kids and wants them in the future - not so much.

I did find that in my 50's the age differences didn't matter so much - although I did avoid guys with small children, only because I didn't want to revisit that phase of life. (One exception was Mr Big Lots, who still had one daughter in grade school, but she lived 90 minutes away and he only had her every other weekend so I didn't ever meet her in the short time we dated.)

[Ginger1]

Deja! I’m happy you stopped by! I can relate to or of what you said and your friends observations. I am also guilty of swiping left on guys that I think would never have interest in me. I do think I might “date down” which means I probably am
Not there yet with my view of my own self worth. Maybe these guys are a safe spot for me? Although clearly not. I honestly couldn’t imagine a nice good looking well adjusted guy wanting to be with me. Or someone a step “above “ me, so I don’t even bother .
It’s something to dig deeper into for sure. And I know I am “only” 42 .but I’m my thirties when I was younger, thinner, prettier , and still ready to bare some more
Children, I didn’t find a partner. Now? I’m just out of child bearing/ wanting age and 20 lbs heavier. Atleast is till have good skin . My confidence has gone down a bit in some ways and up in others

BL:
As far as my ex and his affair. While I would love to see it fall apart so his wife could get a taste of her own medicine , the truth is, LH is right. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through it. And my ex always comes out on top. He does have it made for sure. He never suffers. If anything, I kind of wish she would cheat on him . But the best I guess is her worrying her a$$ off. Knowing it’s happening but won’t do anything about it. Stay together, but keep that awful gut feeling I lived with

So, guys from my past have been coming out of the woodwork. One that I really did like texted me today . The guy with a 6 and 3 year old. I liked him the most although we are in very different places on our lives. Best kisser ever. Such a good time together . But he has a whole lot on his plate. We are going out next week . It’ll be nice to catch up. I know we will
Never go anywhere, but he’s a good time. And did I mention an incredible kisser? Lol. We had had incredible chemistry. Maybe I can learn how to just enjoy that for a little with no expectations. We will see.

I took a 20 mi. Bike ride withu dad and his wife yesterday on the boardwalk along the ocean . The weather was perfect. Then w shot the beach for a bit. I am quite burnt. But it was great. Went to fun tonight, free dinner tomorrow at high end steakhouse. And drinks for a colleagues birthday. She is divorced, still really angry about it, and kind of a recluse . So we are getting her out for her birthday .

All good stuff

[Ginger1]

I’m going to speak to what Deja said.

I had a work tonight hosted by one of our rehabs. Fancy steakhouse. Just a few of us . The guy who was hosting sat across from Me. Super cute. Out of my league. And 35. Found out he is going to see this and that is not mainstream but my ex M got me into this weekend. We got excited and he told me I should come.
He also broke up with his GF of 5 months 2 weeks ago and that was her gift, the hotel room anyways, but she didn’t like them
So they weren’t going to go together, but now they are . We all pressed him with info. My one friend to hook me up. We did exchange numbers. But upon our womanly inquisition , we found it if curse he want kids . But see! Outside of the box! Not OLD! But way too cute and young for me

But yes, I am older. And his ex GF is probably hotter. I wouldn’t even entertain it. Bit it was fun anyways

Had a last minute inpromptu date after with the other mark . We were having a great time
But his son is sick with covid and his ex had him take him to my hospital . So date was cut short .but he’s still cute as heck. Attraction there . He’s been in touch with while his kid has been on the ER.

Yea, the Texan still is trying to get with me. But I can’t do it.
Too much drama. Don’t want to be on the roller coaster

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Did you have some wine tonight at this fancy steakhouse? Not sure I completely followed that update! lol

One that I really did like texted me today . The guy with a 6 and 3 year old. I liked him the most although we are in very different places on our lives.

I'll cast my vote for this guy - nothing wrong with a guy having a 6 and 3 yo! ;-)

The guy who was hosting sat across from Me. Super cute. Out of my league. And 35...But way too cute and young for me

You're early 40s. Why is 35 too young?

I am also guilty of swiping left on guys that I think would never have interest in me. I do think I might “date down” which means I probably am
Not there yet with my view of my own self worth. Maybe these guys are a safe spot for me? Although clearly not. I honestly couldn’t imagine a nice good looking well adjusted guy wanting to be with me. Or someone a step “above “ me, so I don’t even bother .

So this is something to explore with IC. Obviously don't know you and DejaVu6 in real life, but you two shouldn't be swiping left on quality guys because you don't feel worthy. You can't imagine a well-adjusted guy wanting to be with you? Time to work on that confidence and self-worth.

Yea, the Texan still is trying to get with me. But I can’t do it.
Too much drama. Don’t want to be on the roller coaster

Drop the Texan completely. No contact.

[Ginger1]

One glass wine of wine, one beer. I’m all good. It’s my phone .

This guy with the young kids is super cool. He’s the one i always thought of and had no hard feelings about . I thought about him often and I was happy when he reappeared .

Yea, a hotter, hinged guy who still wants kids is not a good fit. I should have better self esteem . Bit my shop is definitely closed .

[Ginger1]

I really hate that the edit button doesn’t work

[BL42]

I really hate that the edit button doesn’t work

Agreed, and why it works in Newcomers but not Surviving is a mystery.

[LH19]

This guy with the young kids is super cool. He’s the one i always thought of and had no hard feelings about . I thought about him often and I was happy when he reappeared .

Remind us again why you are not with this guy.

[Ginger1]

This guy with the young kids is super cool. He’s the one i always thought of and had no hard feelings about . I thought about him often and I was happy when he reappeared .

Remind us again why you are not with this guy.

Recently divorced. Very young kids, his ex just gave birth to a baby from AP. Not much time or energy to give at all.

However, he is a real nice laid back guy, he’s fun, good chemistry, lives close,
Great dad, but not the kind that has to shout from rooftops “my kids are my world and my number one priority!!” He just does his dad thing. Needs no accolades . I admire that very much.
It will likely not go anywhere. But it can be fun when we can get together

[LH19]

This guy with the young kids is super cool. He’s the one i always thought of and had no hard feelings about . I thought about him often and I was happy when he reappeared .

Remind us again why you are not with this guy.

Recently divorced. Very young kids, his ex just gave birth to a baby from AP. Not much time or energy to give at all.

However, he is a real nice laid back guy, he’s fun, good chemistry, lives close,
Great dad, but not the kind that has to shout from rooftops “my kids are my world and my number one priority!!” He just does his dad thing. Needs no accolades . I admire that very much.
It will likely not go anywhere. But it can be fun when we can get together

Sounds like a great guy. Does he drink, gamble, have two ex wives, racist and needy? So remind us again why you are not together with this guy.

[kml]

So - did you break up with him before, or was he just not calling?

I ask because I can see a pattern in my younger days. I’d start dating a guy, be interested and hoping it would turn into a relationship. The guy would appear not that interested - either making dates infrequently, or not in advance. I would decide he wasn’t that interested in me, and give up, moving on. At times that was certainly the right interpretation, but in retrospect, many of those guys just needed more time - I’ve been surprised to find out later that to some of them, I was the “one that got away”.

[Ginger1]

He has 1 ex wife and she is a kook, but their communication is better and they can coparent .

He drinks, but is not an alcoholic. He does not gamble. He plays guitar in a band for fun. He’s not needy at all. He is not racist. We actually have long time mutual friends.

We are not together because of KML’s reasons. He didn’t really put in effort to make dates. His life was too complicated at the time. He couldn’t give me what I wanted and understandably so. He wasn’t all about the effort, just to hang out when it happened to work itself out .

So we aren’t “together” for that reason. But he’s the one guy I had wished was at a different stage in his life. This time I’m going to just go with the flow . And if I decide I would rather pursue a relationship elsewhere, I will

[BL42]

This time I’m going to just go with the flow . And if I decide I would rather pursue a relationship elsewhere, I will

Seems like the perfect approach.

Maybe he's just (understandably) busy w/young kids right now and things might flourish as his time frees up in the future. Or, maybe you'll find another relationship in the meantime. Either way you're enjoy life and happy. Sounds like the whole idea of detachment and DB'ing principles.

[LH19]

We are not together because of KML’s reasons. He didn’t really put in effort to make dates. His life was too complicated at the time. He couldn’t give me what I wanted and understandably so. He wasn’t all about the effort, just to hang out when it happened to work itself out .

Hmmm. So the 3 short term relationships I had post divorce I was able to give about two days to these woman per week. Was he offering that and if so why did you need more than that? Aren't we all super busy chasing excellence?

[Ginger1]

No, he wasn’t offering that. I don’t have much more than 2 days a week myself. He was offering last minute maybe once a week. That didn’t work for me

[LH19]

No, he wasn’t offering that. I don’t have much more than 2 days a week myself. He was offering last minute maybe once a week. That didn’t work for me

Ah. Booty call. Now I see.

[Ginger1]

This time I’m going to just go with the flow . And if I decide I would rather pursue a relationship elsewhere, I will

Seems like the perfect approach.

Maybe he's just (understandably) busy w/young kids right now and things might flourish as his time frees up in the future. Or, maybe you'll find another relationship in the meantime. Either way you're enjoy life and happy. Sounds like the whole idea of detachment and DB'ing principles.

This guy is 40 and has a 3 and a 6 year old.

It’s not you, is it? Lol

[BL42]

This guy is 40 and has a 3 and a 6 year old.

It’s not you, is it? Lol

Haha! Wouldn't that be a small world? No, my son turned 7 a few months back so no luck.

[BL42]

This guy is 40 and has a 3 and a 6 year old.

It’s not you, is it? Lol

Haha! Wouldn't that be a small world? No, my son turned 7 a few months back so no luck.

Or should I say "No such luck" ;-)

[Ginger1]

No, he wasn’t offering that. I don’t have much more than 2 days a week myself. He was offering last minute maybe once a week. That didn’t work for me

Ah. Booty call. Now I see.

Well, minus the sex

More like a woman to spend time with when things got lonely

[job]

New Thread:

Single tired female