Should I push the issue of staying in the marital bed? It would be interesting because the kids will see what is going on.
Which bed you sleep in isn't as much the issue as the principle behind it. If you'd prefer the bed to which you're accustomed than sleep there or if you'd be more comfortable in another room due to your work arrangements than so be it, but make the decision based on what is best for you and not in a manner to be nice and soft and weak to her in fear she might then divorce you over it. Stand up and be strong and take control of your life; do not kowtow to someone who wants to divorce you.
Last edited by BL42; 04/25/2208:40 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Which bed you sleep in isn't as much the issue as the principle behind it. If you'd prefer the bed to which you're accustomed than sleep there or if you'd be more comfortable in another room due to your work arrangements than so be it, but make the decision based on what is best for you and not in a manner to be nice and soft and weak to her in fear she might then divorce you over it. Stand up and be strong and take control of your life; do not kowtow to someone who wants to divorce you.
I didn't want to be in the MB anyway, since my office has an outside door that I can silently slip in and out of. I prefer that.
Yeah, this is what I like about these forums, they provide good advice coupled with a morale boost.
Are you trying to bust this divorce, or do you want to get divorced?
Whichever choice you make, that doesn't really affect how you should behave. It may effect what advice we give you.
Each of us have "deal breakers", and even those appear to move around at different points in our lives for each of us. Most put PA as a deal breaker until it happens. Some then decide to DB for a period of time.
Did you do everything possible to keep your family together? Most don't. It is crazy hard from my observations here.
Sounds like you get emotional when interacting with W. Stop. Control your emotions. Use your logic and decided not to argue with her anymore. All your words should be calm and confident, and even mysterious. End conversations first and go "take care of things".
Take time to make some decisions.
Silently slipping in and out sounds creepy. Don't be creepy.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I do wonder too if she has mixed emotions since she is wondering when to tell the kids and when to tell her parents.
Let's just say she does. What does that change?
Remember, focus off of her and onto yourself. Josh, you are actually in pretty good shape here. Just a few adjustments and you are on the right track!
Yeah, changes nothing. You are right. Focus on me, not her. She's just a roommate now.
Should I push the issue of staying in the marital bed? It would be interesting because the kids will see what is going on.
I would. When she protests just tell her that you're not the one that wants the divorce, you shouldn't be the one to sleep elsewhere.
Then move your office into the MBR if that makes things easier. At this point it is about commanding respect and that is more important than keeping the peace.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, she's really got me today. Pushing for a fight, asking me at 8pm to go over divorce numbers. Then gets all huffy when I say not now. I realise she probably wanted to talk about it earlier when she said let's go for a walk. Anyhow, I actually started to raise my voice when I said I'm going to bed. She had no qualms to argue back in front of the kids. They know something is up.
It's like a power thing. Arguing over anything to cause a disagreement.
What's interesting is I said you write me the numbers, not talk about it and then I write it down. You see, this is the lazy aspect of W. Doesn't want to do the heavy lifting. I wanted the numbers on paper, make her do the work. I'm thinking I should stall and just not come up with a time to talk. Or say in two weeks when work eases up. Or tell her to talk to my L. I'm not sure I can be calm and steady. I think I could say I'm happy to talk when you are calmer.
So there are lots of different ways to handle this based on what you want right now. If it were me and had the knowledge I have now that you don’t yet I would want her fuching out of there as soon as possible and do everything I could to speed up the process. There is also some value to standing up to her and saying “ I will only speak to you when your calm” and walk away every time she raises her voice. You are going to have to deal with her for at minimum the next 15 years so you mine as well set the precedent now. Lastly if you go the speak to my lawyer route it may get rather expensive. Best to come to an agreement before hand. Unless you have tons of assets it should b3 relatively easy.
Well, she's really got me today. Pushing for a fight, asking me at 8pm to go over divorce numbers. Then gets all huffy when I say not now. I realise she probably wanted to talk about it earlier when she said let's go for a walk. Anyhow, I actually started to raise my voice when I said I'm going to bed. She had no qualms to argue back in front of the kids. They know something is up.
It's like a power thing. Arguing over anything to cause a disagreement.
What's interesting is I said you write me the numbers, not talk about it and then I write it down. You see, this is the lazy aspect of W. Doesn't want to do the heavy lifting. I wanted the numbers on paper, make her do the work. I'm thinking I should stall and just not come up with a time to talk. Or say in two weeks when work eases up. Or tell her to talk to my L. I'm not sure I can be calm and steady. I think I could say I'm happy to talk when you are calmer.
Josh, remember, she doesn't have to like you, but she needs to respect you. So stick to your guns on not discussing it before you are ready. She may huff, she may puff, but she will respect you.
I like the having her write it down approach. Especially if emotions continue to be high. It is the best way to take the emotion out of it. But her laziness isn't just a your W thing, that is typical, WAS behavior. They want to do a lot of talking. So when you play the bad guy and file you know what she wants! Just stick to the request for things in writing when she brings it up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, she's really got me today. Pushing for a fight, Anyhow, I actually started to raise my voice when I said I'm going to bed. She had no qualms to argue back in front of the kids.
It's like a power thing. Arguing over anything to cause a disagreement.
When I was in the thick of things, I’d think on how unfair it was I was trying to learn to respond to opposing views with active listening and validation at the time when triggers were highest.
When you say, “Send me your proposal and I’ll consider it,” and she’s angry and wants to discuss it with you then and there—it’s hard for me to remember that headspace where I’d defensively argue my reasons instead of re-asserting my boundary (“No, I’m tired.”) and (if not too sleepy) being curious about her anger and urgency around discussing it that night. Validation isn’t agreeing nor being a parrot. It transformed that relationship and also improved mine with my D17.
Good communication will benefit you whether or not you decide to stand for your marriage, plus you are modeling behaviors that your kids will pick up on.
Traveler makes a great point on validation. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it is recognizing how she feels! I feel the anti-validating sentiment sometimes misses this point. You are not validating that she is leaving/cheating/lying/breaking vows/being disrespectful. You are validating her feelings. But the reason validation is so effective is because the alternative, if you must respond, is to get defensive and argue. Between the two choices, validation is best.
If and when she starts behaving poorly and disrespectfully simply state that you refuse to be spoken to that way, then walk away.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Do not - do NOT - agree to anything financial right now without your lawyer's input.
Tell her this should go through your lawyers.
I agree with asking her to put in writing whatever it is she is thinking. But don't respond to it - just say you will discuss it with your lawyer. You need a good idea from your lawyer about what is likely in a divorce settlement in your case. But definitely do not negotiate or agree to anything with her without your lawyer's input.
With 3 kids, there will be child support, custody issues, and if you're in a community property state, splitting of assets accumulated during the marriage. If there is a big disparity in your incomes there might also be alimony for 1/2 the length of the marriage. It will be complicated and you definitely want your lawyer's input.
She of course, like most WASs, will have an unrealistic idea of what she will get in a divorce. You could try to explain the facts of life to her but she will not welcome it from you; nor will you want her to stay only because she feels financially "trapped".
Also - do you suspect her forcing the issue of discussing divorce is a reaction to you starting to act like you're accepting that will happen? Like she's trying to push you into begging her to stay? (Don't! But it's okay to reiterate that divorce is not what you want, but you won't stand in her way.)
I haven't read all of your thread, I see she had a previous bomb drop in 2018. Which leads me to ask - how confident are you that she was faithful in between 2018 and today's AP? Are you positive your 1 year old is your biological daughter?
