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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Really, the grieving was over in like 12 hours, I know what I'm in for, I just have validate like F and not get sucked into her attempts to start arguments. And TBH, I'm looking forward to it.

This is great. After your last post my first thought was "why are you discussing all of this?" Discussing all of that in your last post has no way of ending well for you. As you have discovered. So yes avoid getting sucked into those "discussions". Remember, "I don't know" is a valid response to questions. Do not feel you have to have answers to her questions! Also valid: "I will need some time to think about that before I can give you an answer."

But always be the one to end the discussion. "I can't sit here and talk about this, I have things to do." Then go be busy!


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Hey, yeah, I'm not moving out yet, because of money. And reconnecting is a knee jerk reaction. I'm not doing it. It was the first time we had a serious convo post BD, so we both were emotional.

All your points are awesome, and yeah, my first GAL night out, BD +3, I felt free. Unlike the first time, where I struggled, this time I see the potential if where I want my life to be. I truely lost that original spark when I was dating. In fact I think I might have even told W during BD that we never connected in the first place. Out of necessity, we are communicating far better organising a parenting plan. As I told a friend, she did me a service for doing what I should have done myself.

I've read Sandi's rules so many times, and even between DB, I'd review them when things were low. I love those tips.

And yeah, I'm cancelling the couples therapy. The only way we need any professional support would be mediation. And that's probably not required.

Thanks for the support, and the usual kick in the ass reminders on what to do. Much appreciated.

I'm looking forward to returning to the gym.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
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Talk to your attorney before moving out - sometimes they advise against it, or advise against getting too cheap/small an apartment because of the precedent it sets.

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Originally Posted by Josh_T
... I've announced that I want to move out...In the meantime, I've moved beds......
What made you decided that you want to move out? When did you decide that? What date? Is this what your lawyer recommended?

Are you trying to bust this divorce, or do you want to get divorced?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Josh, I forgot to address the sleeping elsewhere, and moving out.

Since she is the one that wants a D, she should be the one to sleep elsewhere, and/or to move out. The general guidance is that if the WAS is not having a PA, then stay in the MBR and sleep in the marital bed. If she chooses to as well, fine, but she is free to sleep elsewhere. Same with moving out, if she chooses to, fine, but it is okay for her to stay too (and legally you can't kick her out).

If the WAS is in a PA, the rules change slightly. You need to move a cheating WAS out of the MBR and make it clear that they are not welcome in the MBR unless and until they are no longer in the PA, and agree to transparency (knowing where they are at all times, phones and accounts unlocked to you, etc) to prove it is over.

So I have the same questions as R2C. Why are you sleeping elsewhere? Why are you considering moving out? This is her D, not yours.


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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Are you trying to bust this divorce, or do you want to get divorced?
I got that sense from Josh's last posts, too.

Originally Posted by Josh
Well, it's funny how in the morning W is all sympathetic, but now that I've announced that I want to move out she goes into a tirade about how you can't afford it, haven't you thought about it (no, BD was like 48 hours ago)?
She's not wrong that it was an illogical, emotional decision. I wonder if this is your avoidant side--sprinting away makes you feel in control. As others have cautioned, seek an attorney before making weighty decisions, and like most "Talky" actions I doubt this helped you.

Originally Posted by Josh
Then she reverted to the hostile form I remember last time of starting arguments
An argument takes two. It's up to you whether her words "start" an argument.

Originally Posted by Josh
she talked about how the house will be split not 50/50,and then asked if I agree. Remember, this is BD +3. So I had to play dumb that I don't know,
Dumb doesn't gain respect or attraction. Why are you acting dumb--and blaming her for that choice?

Originally Posted by Josh
It's funny she says stuff where I know the truth is the opposite. "I'm so happy!" No you aren't, your snappy and moody.
I agree she sounds like she has mixed feelings about divorcing you. It sounds like you may also have mixed feelings about her divorcing you. Do you want to stand, aren't sure, or what to be single?

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My home office is in a different room, it made more sense to move there. I don't have space in the master bedroom to move my office there. I might be able to move things around so that it's possible. It's only the first night, I could go back and say she needs to take that room, I'm going to move my office in the master bedroom since she is the one to initiated separation.

It makes sense that she should deal with the consequences. That is my problem, I capitulate too much and offer to concede.

It does sound like I want the divorce. I admit there is a part of me that does, but really I'm trying to feel positive in all this. I want to be together but only if she changes. The thing is I've seen very little over the years. There is another part of me that thinks I am free, I will have space from her, and I can do my own thing. But I guess I always had that power in the first place to do my own thing.

I do wonder too if she has mixed emotions since she is wondering when to tell the kids and when to tell her parents.

Last edited by Josh_T; 04/25/22 08:27 PM. Reason: Typo and extra thoughts

Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
I do wonder too if she has mixed emotions since she is wondering when to tell the kids and when to tell her parents.

Let's just say she does. What does that change?

Remember, focus off of her and onto yourself. Josh, you are actually in pretty good shape here. Just a few adjustments and you are on the right track!


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by Josh_T
I do wonder too if she has mixed emotions since she is wondering when to tell the kids and when to tell her parents.

Let's just say she does. What does that change?

Remember, focus off of her and onto yourself. Josh, you are actually in pretty good shape here. Just a few adjustments and you are on the right track!

Yeah, changes nothing. You are right. Focus on me, not her. She's just a roommate now.

Should I push the issue of staying in the marital bed? It would be interesting because the kids will see what is going on.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
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Josh_T.
Originally Posted by Josh_T
That is my problem, I capitulate too much and offer to concede.
This is common around here. Time to grow a backbone. Don't be a jerk, but stand up for yourself.

Originally Posted by Josh_T
I do wonder too if she has mixed emotions since she is wondering when to tell the kids and when to tell her parents.
She probably does even if they don't show - but do not count on that changing her direction.

Last edited by BL42; 04/25/22 08:33 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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