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Howdy all from The Land of P where there is much string and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. There is no mist in the air but a modicum of frolicking could be anticipated perhaps. (with apologies to Peter, Paul and Mary)

There was a major fire "in town" just to the north of me a couple of blocks from where my xW and OM live. It started in a former tavern / hotel that has been a huge rooming house for the last number of years with a significant transient population. It took out that building plus it would appear the buildings on either side. No people were lost but some pets were. Local volunteer organizations are stepping up to assist and I'll need to find out which ones are involved and send some funding over. It's going to be tough for these people because many of them were already living an unstable lifestyle and this certainly will not help. And yes, even in rural communities there are people who live on the margins and often in unhealthy lifestyles.

The cause of the fire is as yet undetermined but it was a fairly old building and there were some renovations being done in it. Often a time when accidents can happen.

---

There's been some discussion around here about if our former partners are now living their lives as their "authentic selves". Being as I have no information about mine beyond seeing her car outside her house I really can't know. As far as I know she's still keeping a fairly low profile which would be at odds with the outgoing person I used to know. I like to think that I'm living an authentic life now, even more so than when I was married. Not having to worry about the wants and needs of others isn't selfish when there is no other person to consider crazy

In some ways it would also be hard for me to really identify what her "authentic self" would be. Would it be a throw-back to the younger person she was? Certainly she walked that path for a while and gloried in it. She is also 57 now though and presumably the health issues she had are still around if not more troublesome. She also really looked up to her mother who was a sweet lady, involved in her church and community although her personality was more like her father who was a selfish self-centred person who cheated on her long-suffering mother repeatedly. He went from charming in his middle years when I first met him to just being rather creepy and gross when he got older. I recall my xW telling me that she met a few of his post-retirement "cronies" and thought of them as creepy old men. So - no telling which path she is walking. Perhaps she's gone back to what she was when we were married. Ideally wanting to be like her mother but with her father's personality sabotaging that. Not my circus for which in hind-sight I'm pretty grateful.

On the other hand, I could be completely wrong about all of this too. Doesn't matter to me either way. There's no future I could foresee where she would have any interest in reconnecting with me or visa versa.

Unlike others here I made a point early on of ensuring that I had no way to easily contact her on a whim which for me was undoubtedly a smart thing to do. If I rooted around I could probably find a phone number or email address. I think the last time we had any two-way communication was after her parents died and I sent her a sympathy card and she responded with a thank-you which I think was about 6 years ago. With that said, I have no urge to reach out. There's really nothing I have to say to her. I'll never get any sort of "closure" but on the other hand, there's nothing open to be closed if that makes sense. She had her affair, the marriage ended rather unpleasantly, we sorted out the finances and what-not and went our separate ways. Even though we are the parents of the same children we are not a "parental unit" but rather two separate ones. I recall my son-in-law joking that one thing about his in-laws being divorced that he got twice as much in-law visiting wink

---

My daughter and her husband had their 10th anniversary yesterday. Wow. Where has the time gone. They still seem to be going strong although my son-in-law's father passed a couple of weeks ago and that was understandably difficult for them. My plans are still a go to visit them next weekend. I'm going to drive to the US and then fly across. It's cheaper and a similar amount of driving as compared to flying out of the closest regional airport.

---

I've seen my son a few times more than usual in the past few weeks. He's doing well I think although he's uncertain about this new job. His co-workers have strong opinions about politics that they share that he doesn't agree with. I counseled him to make it clear that he doesn't talk politics at work even though the truth is that he is interested in current affairs - just has views that are in opposition to his co-workers. He's "popped over" to the house a few times to use the printer and scanner here for his paperwork. The better part of an hour drive each way. He did mention at brunch last week that he'd had a "Mother's Day dinner" which I ignored. I maybe should have said something positive.

---

Work is "interesting". The big corporate project I've been grinding away on seems to be having lots of problems. The part at our plant is going ok but it looks like there are some resourcing problems in other divisions along with a lack of over-all management and direction.

I find it amusing how much the leads of the project seem to resent my being involved, making a point of trying to go around me even though I am the point-person for our division. The company president though stands firm on my being the coordinator for us. I'm expecting that when I get back from my vacation that some of my former plant responsibilities will come back to me while we cruise along waiting for this project to be implemented whenever that might be. I know in talking to both the COO and my boss / divisional president that they have doubts about the viability of the project but are committed to the sunk costs already invested.

Our new staff is onboarding well and I am very pleased. They are both very sharp people and we're lucky to have them. One is a younger lady who just let us know that she is pregnant so we're having to figure out how to handle her maternity leave. She'll be eligible for 1 full year. The other new person is also a sharp woman who has never worked in our industry before, coming from an insurance background but she's picking things up well too. I believe she's single, no clue on her age although her two daughters are both grown. And no - neither one of these are sparking any sort of "interest" in me. They are colleagues. I recall one woman I hired some years ago remarking to me that I was the first boss that she'd ever had who treated her like a co-worker and not like a woman. I'm rather proud of that.

Given the fact that I'm on a special project and there's a lot of vagueness about what it is that I "normally" do, I think they were surprised when the comment came up that a number of the tasks currently handled by the President in terms of analysis and planning for the business were actually things I was doing. I don't think they realized where I fit in to the organization.

I did have a laugh yesterday when I was physically sitting in the Presidents chair sorting out some issue on his computer when the Operations Manager came in and joke "it's about time you were in that chair". We had a rocky start but work pretty well together now with mutual respect. He knows he can call me out on things and I'll take it seriously and I know that I can count on him to muster the troops to get things done and to also let me know when the plans are too ambitious or have fallen off the rails.

---

Ah well - enough for now. I'm off shortly for a version of my weekly errands. There's a garden centre that is a fair drive away that has typically has some hot pepper plants that I want for my small garden. My son said he'd like to have one for his apartment balcony planters too. The flower shop is closed for the long weekend and I was late getting there yesterday so no fresh flowers for a couple of weeks. I may take a walk in the woods though and see if there's anything I'd like to pick and bring in.


On BD
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BD-9-Mar-16
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it's perfectly ok to re-visit that lost opportunity next time you're with your son ... "Son, I meant to say it the other day, I'm glad you spent time with your mom on mother's day."
that's it. no need for more.

just a thought A ... do with it as you like. Enjoy your weekend.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
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As for our exes “living their best lives” - who knows? I’m sure people on the outside might think my ex is living his - much younger Asian wife, beach duplex, no responsibilities. But I know from his interactions with the kids that he carries his darkness with him, wherever he goes.

Am I living my best life? It’s pretty good, I think. I’ve had professional success and some success as a semi-professional musician. (I don’t consider myself a professional, but I play with professionals). I have great relationships with my kids. I live comfortably within my means and have a plan for retirement. I have close friendships. My post-divorce dating life has been complex but nonetheless fulfilling.

I don’t think my life would be this good if I was still with my ex as he was. This lemonade tastes pretty darned good!

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Originally Posted by kml
As for our exes “living their best lives” - who knows? I’m sure people on the outside might think my ex is living his - much younger Asian wife, beach duplex, no responsibilities. But I know from his interactions with the kids that he carries his darkness with him, wherever he goes.

Am I living my best life? It’s pretty good, I think. I’ve had professional success and some success as a semi-professional musician. (I don’t consider myself a professional, but I play with professionals). I have great relationships with my kids. I live comfortably within my means and have a plan for retirement. I have close friendships. My post-divorce dating life has been complex but nonetheless fulfilling.

I don’t think my life would be this good if I was still with my ex as he was. This lemonade tastes pretty darned good!
In the words of the Clash -- "Give 'em enough rope!"
aka, let go or be dragged.
Don't know much about exh's current life, other than where he lives and that he's still very angry in general. No longer my pig, no longer my farm.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Just some off-topic Sunday morning musing.

I stopped by "in town" yesterday and saw the rooming house building that the fire had destroyed. They had heavy equipment in and were demolishing it. It was quite a bit larger than what I thought extending back quite a bit. The buildings on either side are also probably going to be torn down.

Now the "human" stories are coming out and I can't help but feel sad for those people involved. To say that the conditions in this rooming house / former tavern were inhumane is an understatement. But I had no idea.
- 25 people sharing a single bathroom. Some units had their own bathrooms but that wasn't the case for many.
- Trying to get some privacy by stringing up tarps between people sharing a space.
- Lying about where they live so that they aren't discriminated about for a job
- And as one of the very few places that would accept people who are on government support programs there was a waiting list on top of it.

Browsing social media seems to indicate that a certain number of these people will move out into the bush and live in tents for a while which is certainly not an option for many, especially those with small children.

At one point in the past I might have mused about opening my home to assist but - nope. I still have to identify the charities that are involved. I believe that as usual the local Salvation Army has stepped up.

Things like this though reveal issues that I honestly haven't given much thought to. How many in my area are in insecure housing - if they're lucky. The cost of a one bedroom apartment is out of the reach of many single people. And now there's a large cohort of vulnerable people who are undoubtedly going to be exploited. It's frustrating to witness. And there is little that I feel that I can do beyond supporting those agencies who have the skills to assist. And there's little they can do either I would imagine.

---

A major rainstorm blew through here yesterday and caught many by surprise including myself. News reports indicate that at least 5 people are dead as a result which is highly unusual for a spring storm. I'd gone off to the garden centre I wanted to visit an hour away and had just pulled into the parking lot as the storm hit. Being as I had no idea how long the storm would last and had things I wanted to accomplish, I pulled out my umbrella and did the best I could. "Of course" the vegetables I was looking for were stored outside so I was soaked to my shorts and had a hard time reading labels. Hopefully I got the right things. There was one lightning strike right above the greenhouse as I was in the queue to pay - certainly made me jump.

Lots of cleaning to do today - I've really let that slide in the last couple of months. Tomorrow is a holiday so after the rains yesterday and today the garden will hopefully have dried out enough to weed and plant. The weeds and my lawn have certainly gotten a good start with the wet and occasionally very warm weather.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Wow - there were reportedly 80 official residents in that rooming house. I expect that the actual number of people there on any particular night might have been a fair bit larger. Quite a number also had pets - many of whom didn't get out. So numerous souls that have been affected.

So sad that in such a rich country and area that people are living in such conditions. And also sad that I expect this to not be unusual.

Our United Way seems to be the focal point for organizing the response so I've sent them some cash. The Salvation Army is already on my regular giving list. They do some fabulous work here including running the local food bank.

It's things like this that sometimes make me reconsider my choice to not retire for some time.
Originally Posted by Terry Pratchett
She always said you can’t help people with magic, but you can help them with skin. By doin’ real things, she meant
I do think that I need to restructure my life in some ways so that I can have more involvement in causes than with my cheque-book. On the other hand, it could be debated which has the greater impact. Much to think on. Yet another time when it would be handy to have someone to help me with the thinking.

Had a very disturbing dream last night including the xW. It was probably triggered by my cardiologist booking me for a follow-up. In the dream my heart condition worsened and my xW emerged to help look after me. That sort of thing does happen with some people. Westo's husband came back after she was diagnosed with cancer, B went to care for her xH when he got ill as a couple of examples that easily come to mind.

It does make me wonder though what resources I would have in the case I was ill. I have some friends who I know I could count on to do things like get me to appointments and such. But certainly nobody I could count on for anything extended like a convalescence. Fortunately there are community resources that I think my insurance covers.

As far as my xW leaping into action if something happened to me ... No. Can't see that happening. She used to get very frustrated and angry with me any time I was ill. And I know that she was very disturbed when she had to take "personal care" of her mother for a while just before she went off the deep end. One of the things that along with her avoidance of anything to do with aging or death that I think was one of the causal events in her turning away from our marriage. One of the things that she said as a reason for leaving was that she didn't want us to get old and stuck in a nursing home together like her parents. Funny though that OM is I think a fair bit older than her - I would think he's past 70 at this point - so 10-15 years older. I was only a bit over 1 year older than her.

And no - this is just a recall follow-up from my angiogram 2 years ago. I still have all my various issues but don't think they have gotten worse although I absolutely need to get back out walking regularly again. It's so easy to make excuses for not doing things.

---

First day of a two week vacation. I'm flying out tomorrow to see my daughter for the first time in 3 years. A bit nervous about the journey. I'm working through the backwards math for when I need to depart allowing some extra time in case there's a hold-up at the border or complications in navigation etc. The rest of the vacation I'll putter around here mostly I think although there are a few places I may go and do some hiking at. Two of the days are constrained by my cardiologist follow-up appointments which I've booked in the mornings to keep the rest of those days free.

When I go to see my daughter I'll also pack up my computer backups to leave there. It's a good practice I think and ensures that she'll have what could be needed for whatever eventuality. My son has told me that he would be relying on his sister anyway to do a lot of the sorting and organizing as it is something she excels at, even before becoming a Navy wife where those skills certainly came in handy.

---
From the discussion over on DnJ's thread ...
Originally Posted by bttrfly
I don't know LH, she's sure living in less posh digs, has considerably less financial resources, a tenuous relationship at best with her kids, and no relationship to speak of with lifelong friends. Perhaps that's her idea of paradise. It wouldn't be mine, nor would it be what most people I know would call a "step up."

Largely I think these kind of conjectures (and I've done plenty of my own as well) are not really all that helpful and take energy away from, say, working on floors.
I used to think about this a fair bit as I suspect that this is also the case for my xW as I (without evidence) would imagine it would be for a greater number of the cheating wives. Especially those who like mine were not the primary bread-winners. It is true I believe, that women, especially lower income women tend to be disadvantaged during divorce. Add on the stigma that can attach to infidelity and / or other poor life choices and I'm sure it has a negative effect.

My own xW is from what I can tell, is living more modestly than she was when we were married and certainly more modestly than she would be if we were still a couple. Pre-divorce she would get nice vacations to beach destinations, a new car whenever she needed one, etc. The jewelry alone that she left with was worth a tidy amount I expect.

None of that stopped her from making the choices she did. Certainly OM did I imagine look like a catch in the early days. Small business owner with a nice payout from his wife's death. She certainly bragged to her friends about that and what a great life she would be leading. Well - they've stuck it out thus far, selling his house and down-sizing significantly. I used to think that once the alimony stops in about 20 months (and counting) that she would re-emerge but no, can't see that happening. And who knows, sometime within the next 2 years I might actually start dating again and even find someone to help me with my thinking.

---

Well - soon time to head "in to town" and pick up some basic groceries and some Canadian snacks to pack for the kids. I also need to get to the bank and pick up the cash that will pay the neighbour kid who will be looking after my cat while I'm gone. Then get to my packing. The goal is to pick up breakfast on the road so as to leave the kitchen clean.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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As far as my xW leaping into action if something happened to me ... No. Can't see that happening. She used to get very frustrated and angry with me any time I was ill. And I know that she was very disturbed when she had to take "personal care" of her mother for a while just before she went off the deep end. One of the things that along with her avoidance of anything to do with aging or death that I think was one of the causal events in her turning away from our marriage.

Sounds like my ex. Fear of death and aging. No help at all if I was sick (honestly, I could be violently I’ll with a stomach bug and he might come in once all day with some tea and toast, grudgingly). But at least he got a much younger wife so he could continue to pretend he’s not aging. Sounds like your ex got a guy who is pretty much guaranteed to age with or before her, given the age difference.

I was talking to an elderly patient yesterday. She was widowed last year. Had infertility due to the Dalkon shield and never had kids. Now many of her friends have moved away, she’s lonely and no longer has her husband to advocate for her if she gets hospitalized (she has a rare medical condition that most doctors would need to be educated about). She thinks I’m very lucky to have kids.

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Good Morning Andrew

Enjoy your vacation. Yippee! Two weeks off!

Hoping your travels go smoothly.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hooray for vacay! Have the best time ever on your travel to see your daughter and BE CAREFUL. I hope to see some pics of your excursion. When you get back, take some down time for yourself to just relax and delve into some serious self care and relaxation techniques.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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Travel safely and enjoy your time away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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