Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?

Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
J
Jq25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?

Traveler - this is a pickle, I don’t think it was a reason but might be a part of it. I wasn’t drinking for million reasons out there, for me it was 2-3 sometimes 4 beers to relax and go to sleep or help fall a sleep. I did not turn into psycho or anything like that.

Been dealing with a ton of stress from work past 6-8 month. Work at work work at home kind a thing also financials haven’t been where they needed to be. My Ex did not want to work, was looking for every possible reason not to work including skipping work. Sometimes one day sometimes 2 days a week. One of the biggest things probably not giving her attention she needed I was always busy.

All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.

As One of the Vets suggested that I let it be, because if I will try to prof to everyone that she is wrong then she will use it against me again. There is no right or wrong answer. Dirty laundry everyone got it, I might not even care at this point. Damage has been done.

I do hope to R (things don’t look promising at the moment) or Move on but first I need to make Jay a better choice…..

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Jq25,
Originally Posted by Jq25
I am doing my best to GAL when I can I go out, sometimes just go by myself.
Good. Going out by yourself is better than sitting around the house by yourself.

Originally Posted by Jq25
I gave up alcohol and smoking.
That's great, but be sure to put in the work to make it a long term thing...not a few weeks and then backslide.

Originally Posted by Jq25
99% of “couples” friends try not to associate with me.
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
Have those couples friends experienced this behavior, or are they simply believing what your W tells them?

Originally Posted by Jq25
Going to the gym is one of my GALs and spending time with a kid - that’s my #1 priority.
Gym and time with kids are two top GAL activities. Keep it up.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?
It's important to self-reflect. Be honest with yourself as to whether this is a problem point.

Originally Posted by Jq25
All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.
It's pretty common for the WAS/WS to take little things and blow them up 10x or 100x to justify their affairs and D. For example, my wife told people I wouldn't ever allow the kids to have pancakes - which was ludicrous - because on morning at 530am said no to then-S4 that particular morning as I was taking care of him and then-D1 while she was off "early to work" to meet OM. There are people in town who believe the things she said and think poorly of me, but it is what it is...I can't control it. Don't take what she says as gospel, but as I mentioned above do consider what areas you need to change. One silver lining of this situation is you'll learn who your true friends are.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Jq25
Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by Jq25
Most of our friends think that she left me because I am alcoholic and a horrible husband.
You don't believe those were key factors in your wife leaving you, or you agree but it irks you that most people know about your dirty laundry without knowing about her dirty laundry?

Traveler - this is a pickle, I don’t think it was a reason but might be a part of it. I wasn’t drinking for million reasons out there, for me it was 2-3 sometimes 4 beers to relax and go to sleep or help fall a sleep. I did not turn into psycho or anything like that.

Been dealing with a ton of stress from work past 6-8 month. Work at work work at home kind a thing also financials haven’t been where they needed to be. My Ex did not want to work, was looking for every possible reason not to work including skipping work. Sometimes one day sometimes 2 days a week. One of the biggest things probably not giving her attention she needed I was always busy.

All the things she spread about me are things she multiply by 10 fold. In the same time she went and told this to friends, our neighbors and random folks that know of me.

As One of the Vets suggested that I let it be, because if I will try to prof to everyone that she is wrong then she will use it against me again. There is no right or wrong answer. Dirty laundry everyone got it, I might not even care at this point. Damage has been done.

I do hope to R (things don’t look promising at the moment) or Move on but first I need to make Jay a better choice…..

I wouldn't worry about what she is telling people, or not telling people. Really not something you can or try to control. Just go make your new reality the new Jq! I made a lot of mistakes in my past, but they are not who I am now. Sometimes the old SteveLW gets dredged up by someone. But I can just laugh it off now because I am not that guy anymore. Over time, the further you get from being the old Jq that was more drunk than he should have been, the less you will hear about it. I am a former alcoholic. I have been dry since 1994. I had to deal with the fallout of my drinking for a few years after I stopped drinking. But now it is over 28 year ago and it is hardly ever brought up unless I bring it up. Just take one day at a time.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
J
Jq25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
Hey guys, been busy with friends from out of town, we went out to couple places for a late night meals. I was surprised that I did not have any pull towards alcohol, lol. The reason I brought it up my friends said that usually LBS get a new “liquid 40% proof friend” Really tried to be as social as possible and try to meet new folks to hang out with.

Reading Divorce Busting as we speak. It’s way harder then I thought, just hands down I am F….ed sorry for my Spanish. This book should be read by all but in the beginning of every M.

Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
J
Jq25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Jq25,

Originally Posted by Jq25
Hey guys, been busy with friends from out of town, we went out to couple places for a late night meals.
That's awesome. Great GAL!

Originally Posted by Jq25
I was surprised that I did not have any pull towards alcohol, lol. The reason I brought it up my friends said that usually LBS get a new “liquid 40% proof friend”
Good for you. Sounds like drinking was potentially an issue in the past, so great you're abstaining. It'll help you physique as well.

Originally Posted by Jq25
Really tried to be as social as possible and try to meet new folks to hang out with.
Good stuff.

Originally Posted by Jq25
Reading Divorce Busting as we speak. It’s way harder then I thought, just hands down I am F….ed sorry for my Spanish. This book should be read by all but in the beginning of every M.
Agreed. If only all of us on this board had read as much about relationships, attraction, red flags...etc. before BD instead of after.

Originally Posted by Jq25
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.
Instead of sitting around alone watching TV try to get out of the house, even if it's just to the grocery store. Getting out and about helps my mental attitude. Or, create a list of house projects go to the hardware store to pick up items and fix up the house. That'll help focus your brain and give you a sense of accomplishment when you're done improving your mental attitude.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by Jq25
I had some alone time this weekend and oh boy being alone is difficult, watching TV is practically impossible, it seems that nothing can take away my attention from things. Usually it’s easier I thought ether I am tired from work and gym or something is changing in my head lol.

I found that mind-numbing activities, like TV watching, isn't really a good way to spend time. I took my daughter to a movie in the couple of weeks following BD 4 1/2 years ago and found I could barely concentrate on the movie. The situation was just too heavy on my mind.

I found that things that occupy my body as well as my mind were much better GAL activities. Archery, firearms, hunting, even trail riding on an ATV all seemed much better for me getting my mind off of my situation.

As always with DBing, find what works. Stop sitting in front of the TV if it isn't helpful, and get out and do something more fruitful in occupying your mind.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
J
Jq25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
BL thanks yes this is exactly what I do, I find a reason to get out of the house. Staying home is just way to difficult.
If I move to a new appointment will that make it easier to be in the house? What do you think? Unfortunately- I feel odd too in other people houses too?

Steve - yes you are right, I like taking bicycle (I would love to buy again crouchrocket) out and just ride for hours. Sadly still tough to be alone with myself. But my main priority is to be out and about. GAL at every opportunity- thank you so much guys for advice with GAL, it helps it keeps gears moving in my mind when they are stuck on a sad note… Thank you 🙏 again!

Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
J
Jq25 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2022
Posts: 79
eX W behaviour changed - Much better towards the kid. Now she wants to spend more time with a kid, fighting me for every day VS before she did not care, she would stop by to say hi to a kid EVERY couple days. Now kid is priority again…. Her attitude towards me is getting worst, more hostile, evil, wants bigger peace out of divorce. Now it’s lots of Nicks and dimes. She is still with OM (I can’t tell otherwise- I am not asking and telling people I don’t wanna know). Still NC other then kid talk/divorce talk. She did try to talk to me about me spending money left and right but she said that she is struggling. What do I do give her some $$$, joking?

Need help with emotional Validation in conversations, every needed conversation, she is always on top. Sometimes bring back things from the past.

How does validation works, why do people use it with WW/WAS?

Page 2 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard