Hey Steve, No I am not looking to date or anything else. I am no where near ready for any of that.
I was just curious how long other s went before even looking at the option or if they did at all, or if there are now in a new relationship and how long after. Just a curiosity question I guess.
who she may date or find, as they will possibly be around my kids
Originally Posted by Jq25
Dink, you have adult kids, they can and will reason.
Consider yourself fortunate (if that's possible considering the circumstance) that your children are adults and you don't have to worried about them being raised or influenced developmentally by other men. I can understand the hurt it might cause to have them spend time with OM, but you'll never have to worry about another man raising your kids or calling him dad.
Originally Posted by Dink
And she mentioned since we have been separated about feeling better overall
Right. This is common. Don't take that on as your fault. Right now she's out of the situation she didn't want to be in and feels free without a care in the world and life is good with OM. That won't last.
Originally Posted by Dink
He the said I don't care which one of you find someone else first im telling you right now im going to have a problem with it.
She's already living with OM, right? Your kids aren't going to be happy when they learn the truth, and they will.
Originally Posted by Dink
No I am not looking to date or anything else. I am no where near ready for any of that.
Good. I understand the desire, trust me. However, there are a lot of reasons you shouldn't. For example: 1) it will hurt any chance to R down the road, 2) it will upset your children and increase the perception in your mind you are to blame, 3) you're not ready and will likely attract others who are broken, 4) you'll likely hurt the next person you get involved with...etc, etc.
Originally Posted by Dink
I was just curious how long other s went before even looking at the option or if they did at all, or if there are now in a new relationship and how long after. Just a curiosity question I guess.
It varies widely. Some start affairs of their own or date right away, others wait years, and of course there are many in-between. The ones who jump right in typically don't process their own issues and end up hurt and in bad situations.
Dink - SteveLW, DevaJu6, Kind18, & LH are all objectively correct in that analyzing the situation and getting stuck trying to figure out your W is a waste of time and not helpful moving forward. However, I want to balance their directness with a softer approach in your case situation. You've been married decades and on this board less than a month. It's perfectly natural to spin a bit and overanalyze and take time to process. Almost everyone does and that's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it. You'll get there. Don't expect it to happen overnight. BUT, do listen to what they're saying and make moves in that direction.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thanks BL42 for the input, I appreciate it. As I have said many times, you all have been very helpful. I am slooooooooooooowly moving forward. My son is coming over tomorrow to help with Stuff I am trying to finish up at the house we will be selling. This is the son who is having the hardest time, and has been my wife’s biggest critic. It will be good to have some one on one time Keeping busy and I am sure some conversations as well. Thanks again.
D. My situation wasn’t typical. XH had been largely absent from my life for about four years before BD (long story…read my thread if interested) so I started dating sooner than most would or should. I don’t think there is specific timeline but for me, it was when I had fully accepted my marriage was over and had lost the desire to reconcile. I was also past the sadness and looking forward to a new and better life. I had stopped thinking about him when he wasn’t in front of my face and when I did think about him, it was only when something reminded me of him and not a daily self-generated exercise. I wasn’t 100% healed (not sure that is possible) but I would say I was 85% to 90% over it. For me, dating was the last and final step towards finally moving on. When something like this happens, it is a huge blow to your self esteem and self worth so meeting new people who viewed me as attractive and worthy helped me to realize that my life wasn’t over. I’m with Steve though… dating is NOT a way to shorten your pain. You need to fully go through the grief process first.
Funny enough…as time as gone on and I’ve been building my post-divorce life, I am becoming increasingly comfortable with the thought that I might be on my own for the remainder of my life and it doesn’t bother me the way it used to. There are many things I like about being single that would be hard to give up so I’m only going to do that if someone really great comes along.
Hey Dink, have fun with your son today! Based on what you’ve told us about him, today may be a good day to practice validation—“Wow, you feel —-“. Remember to be honest and the phrase, “That’s between your mom and I.”
Things went well yesterday with mom son, we got some more things done at the house. We did work for about 3 hours, then just hung out and chatted. Overall was a pretty good day. He did say his mom did say to him that the decision was probably a little more her than me but it was mutual.
My daughter and her fiancé stopped over also a little later and we all talked a little. It’s funny I sense they all pretty much know that it was mom who was pushing for this more after talking with her.
It was nice to hear them defend me some for basically having to do everything, and say mom is a Huge procrastinator and you pretty much had to do everything. They said She is not good at knowing how to do things and I did say that I was partially my fault by trying to do everything and and trying to make up for the past . And I was honest and said by doing that and kinda like walking on eggshells, that probably didn’t help, and I see that now. She lost maybe respect and atttraction By being a doormat I told them what I needed to do was balances my new changes with the old me, and it would have been better, but I know at least going forward what I need to do.
Dink - I am glad you had an awesome day with kids. I would not talk much about any changes, just do them for urself. You don’t want it to come back yo ur spouse and give her idea of you being manipulative in a way.
Hey JQ I see what you are saying, honestly wasn’t thinking of it like it might come across as manipulation. Thing is the kids have said this before BD. But yes, I do need to be aware of things I say with the kids, as how it may come across.
Wife was suppose to come this weekend to the house to go thru stuff she defines wanted so I can Clean out stuff that could go to goodwill and such. I got a text last night about 7 p.m saying im sorry I forgot to call yo this weekend about coming over to house. I’ve been sick all weekend. I never responded.
So. Today is our 30th anniversary lol. Anyways , She went back to work today after have the spring break week off. She has no sick time left, and will be docked pay for leaving. Anyways.
This morning she texted me. ‘Are you at work” I waited a bit to reply and said yes. She said ok, I am super sick as school and leaving for day. Im going to use bathroom At house if that's ok. I waited a bit and replied, house is a mess,it's up to you. She replied I went to moms house. I didn't respond.
Her moms house is one block from our house im staying at. She should have just gone there to begin with. Lol
Just in general be careful what and who you sharing information with. As I am dealing with my sitch, it did bit me back in the ?!ss. Some friends might not be as good of a friend as we think, some things might just slip in the conversation or someone’s opinion might be perceived as an advice.
