We are in our 30s, have been married for 10 years and have a 3 year old son. We share life goals and have had great moments throughout our marriage but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad. I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her. Sex has not been great because of some problems I have had personally. I have had mental health problems (sporadic depression) for the last 5 years. I feel I have come out of it now.
Two months ago wife said she is getting a divorce. She has not filed yet and we are living in the same house. But she is overflowing with bitterness and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.
I pleaded for a week after which I turned a corner. I focused on improving myself and tried to follow LRT. It seems to have had positive effects on her but she keeps relapsing, usually referencing back to detailed highly one-sided diary entries. She wrote the entries during major fights/disagreements and she has kept the diary secret from me all these years. I strongly feel she talks to the counsellor only as a defense mechanism against the positive influences I have introduced for our relationship (If it helps - she is a very pretty woman and the counsellor is an older male. Knowing the way she interacts, I am confident that he is under her full control).
She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent. I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up. I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.
I strongly feel she is having a severe mid-life crises, as she keeps telling me that I wasted her life and now needs to make up for it.
I wanted some advice on how to deal with certain situations that I land up in. She has been highly provocative but I have maintained calm and do not get angry. But the accusations are usually preposterous and situations hard to handle.
- What should I do if she sends me these long messages calling out specific incidents from the past? - What should I do if she messages me telling me how I have treated her bad all these years and why it's clear to her that I never loved her. - When she says that she cannot get over the past. - When she says that my changes are an act meant to prevent the divorce.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-68, D35,S34
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First one “that must have been difficult for you. I understand why you feel that way. 2nd one see above 3rd one “ I understand that’s how you feel” 4th see above
I’m sorry you are here but you came to the right place.
What is some of the bad behavior she is accusing of in the past?
We are in our 30s, have been married for 10 years and have a 3 year old son. We share life goals and have had great moments throughout our marriage but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad. I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her. Sex has not been great because of some problems I have had personally. I have had mental health problems (sporadic depression) for the last 5 years. I feel I have come out of it now.
Two months ago wife said she is getting a divorce. She has not filed yet and we are living in the same house. But she is overflowing with bitterness and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.
I pleaded for a week after which I turned a corner. I focused on improving myself and tried to follow LRT. It seems to have had positive effects on her but she keeps relapsing, usually referencing back to detailed highly one-sided diary entries. She wrote the entries during major fights/disagreements and she has kept the diary secret from me all these years. I strongly feel she talks to the counsellor only as a defense mechanism against the positive influences I have introduced for our relationship (If it helps - she is a very pretty woman and the counsellor is an older male. Knowing the way she interacts, I am confident that he is under her full control).
She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent. I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up. I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.
I strongly feel she is having a severe mid-life crises, as she keeps telling me that I wasted her life and now needs to make up for it.
I wanted some advice on how to deal with certain situations that I land up in. She has been highly provocative but I have maintained calm and do not get angry. But the accusations are usually preposterous and situations hard to handle.
- What should I do if she sends me these long messages calling out specific incidents from the past? - What should I do if she messages me telling me how I have treated her bad all these years and why it's clear to her that I never loved her. - When she says that she cannot get over the past. - When she says that my changes are an act meant to prevent the divorce.
Peter, sorry you find yourself here, both I'm your situation and on this forum. It is a rough place to be, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. But know many of us know your pain.
I believe all of your questions can be answered by two ways. First, if you are trying to go LTR, then you should not respond to those long messages. At all. Not even an ok. Only answer direct questions, in your own time not right away, and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions her yes or no answers.
When she says the last two, you listen and validate. Then end the discussion because you are busy. Please read the validation thread, the change in the dynamics of your situation that validating can have is profound.
So that's it. Only avatar l answer messages that are questions. In person, listen and validate.
Now as far as the affair. Your mind will trick you into believing its less than it is. But if they've been seen out together you can bet that privately things have already gone really far. I think you get the drift. But the good news is that it changes nothing you should be doing: GAL, self-improving, and emotionally detaching.
What are your current sleeping arrangements?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks LH19. Basically you are saying that I should just let her vent even if a lot of it is very inaccurate. Is there anything I should be explaining to her at all?
Bad behavior: Yelling at her, getting annoyed over 'simple things' (simple according to her), not able to share things with me fearing that I will get annoyed, not satisfying her sexually.
Not able to share is a mutual problem. I could not share much with her about problems because she would either dismiss it or turn it into a fight. She kept detailed notes of fights but my own pain during those fights is not something she thinks is worth considering. She said that to me directly as she is sure that I am the cause of all fights (which is quite inaccurate, although I admit that many fights were because I ran my mouth). Otoh I distinctly remember that she would get really mean and then even though I would try very hard to avoid the fight from escalating she would deliberately come at me again and again and finally break me. I have strong family values but I understand that yelling is not consistent with maintaining a family.
Regarding the D bomb, I am certain that she has not thought about her son at all. She said that she cannot sacrifice her life for him. Her family has got involved and they think similarly. I am devoted to my child otoh. How do I make her be more considerate about our son and the effect of divorce on him?
What should I do about her affair? She has been thinking of living separately - should I object to it?
Hi @SteveLW, thanks for your answers. I'm assuming she has had sexual intercourse with him. I have never cheated on her. You are right that currently the affair changes nothing unless I feel I should dump her for that.
I sleep in a different room. We are having sex. She U turns around to her 'D' self during the day and keeps repeating that it won't work out.
She has mentioned some of the things her friends, and counselor have told her about me and I found those downright evil of them as they have never met me. What should I tell her about her continuing discussions with them? I know that everytime she discuss with them it sets us back by miles.
Sorry about your situation. Fortunately there are a lot of people on this board who have been through it and want to help.
Originally Posted by PeterB
but she has been unhappy, mainly at what she perceives as me treating her bad.
Can you further explain her complaints about the way you treated her?
Originally Posted by PeterB
I have been unhappy too as I felt mentally tortured by her.
How did she mentally torture you?
Originally Posted by PeterB
But she is overflowing with bitterness
This is common. She's projecting all of her hurt and pain and unhappiness onto you. It doesn't mean it's accurate, but her feelings about it are real.
Originally Posted by PeterB
and is trying to find strength by talking to a few friends and a counsellor who has damaged her views about me by validating her thoughts about me.
It's also common WAS/WS will seek out people who validate their decisions (divorce, affairs...etc.) and reject those who question their decisions.
Originally Posted by PeterB
I pleaded for a week after which I turned a corner. I focused on improving myself and tried to follow LRT.
A week is a quick turnaround. Most take longer (I certainly did). Keep it up.
Originally Posted by PeterB
It seems to have had positive effects on her but she keeps relapsing, usually referencing back to detailed highly one-sided diary entries.
Don't expect a quick turn around. Think a LONG time. Right now you're looking for any positive sign to validate your hopes, but often LBSs read too much into little exchanges or acts by the WAS/WS.
Originally Posted by PeterB
I strongly feel she talks to the counsellor only as a defense mechanism against the positive influences I have introduced for our relationship
Don't bank on her IC turning things around for you.
Originally Posted by PeterB
She is also having an affair with someone over the phone. She demonstrates very suspicious behavior, and someone informed me that he recently saw her on two dates with a guy she has known for a very long time. She met this guy while traveling and she changed suddenly soon after meeting him. He reported that her behavior was consistent with a physical relationship, although I don't know to what extent.
I'm sorry to say this, because I know you don't want to hear it, but it's almost certainly a physical affair and they've done much more than think. It's awful, I know, but that's reality.
Originally Posted by PeterB
I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up. I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.
As impossibly difficult as it is (trust me, I know) try to completely ignore the OM and the affair and start pulling away from her and making positive changes to your life. Go to the gym every day and lift weights to get the anger out.
Originally Posted by PeterB
She has been highly provocative but I have maintained calm and do not get angry.
That's great. Stay calm and strong. Keep it up! Don't engage her. If she does just stand back and listen and validate her and then leave the house and go to the gym or get drinks with a buddy or take a trail hike or go to the movies.
PeterB - Unfortunately with a physical affair it's going to be impossible for you to logically change her might, so don't try. She's addicted to this guy like he's a drug and you are the person keeping her away from her fix (hence the bitterness). Sorry man.
You should consult a lawyer ASAP. It's important to understand what the custody & financial implications of a divorce are, should it go that route. Just a consult with one or maybe a few lawyers in your area. You don't have to pursue anything if you don't want to, but understanding the law and your rights will some clarity. Knowledge = power. DO NOT TELL HER YOU DID.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Her keeping a diary private is not wrong. You taking offense to this tells me you're overanalyzing things and looking to be hurt and offended. This is normal for someone in your position.
Don't worry or focus on the counselor validating her. This is normal too. Think nothing of it and focus elsewhere.
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I assure you that the strength she gets to divorce and screw up our son's life, is from this guy.
. Don't blame him. She is choosing this. These situations always have a little crisis element but I don't see the purpose of going hog wild and labeling everything: depression, mid life crisis, etc.
Quote
What should I do if she sends me these long messages calling out specific incidents from the past? - What should I do if she messages me telling me how I have treated her bad all these years and why it's clear to her that I never loved her. - When she says that she cannot get over the past. - When she says that my changes are an act meant to prevent the divorce.
Just validate her. "I get that" or "Sure, I see how you feel that way".
But I would say at least once that "it wasnt that you didnt love you - not that it matters now ".
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I do not want to bring it up with her as it can jeopardize a patch up.
Do not share with her WHAT you know. Do not share with her HOW you know. You can and should (at the right time) share that you DO KNOW.
"We both know that is a lie. If you are willing to speak the truth, I will listen."
Originally Posted by PeterB
- What should I do if she sends me these long messages calling out specific incidents from the past? - What should I do if she messages me telling me how I have treated her bad all these years and why it's clear to her that I never loved her. - When she says that she cannot get over the past. - When she says that my changes are an act meant to prevent the divorce.
I agree with what LH19 said.
Burn the validation thread into your brain. Validate her feelings (Angry,Sad,Happy,Scared etc). Practice these new skills on everyone.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Her keeping a diary private is not wrong. You taking offense to this tells me you're overanalyzing things and looking to be hurt and offended. This is normal for someone in your position.
I did not take offense at her keeping a diary. I have known about it, just that I didn't know she wrote down details of fights (from her pov of course). Why that is interesting to me in this situation is that gives me an idea of what I am up against - dredging up bad memories can lead to powerful emotions.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Don't worry or focus on the counselor validating her. This is normal too. Think nothing of it and focus elsewhere.
Don't blame him. She is choosing this. These situations always have a little crisis element but I don't see the purpose of going hog wild and labeling everything: depression, mid life crisis, etc.
Not blaming him at all. Although I have to keep in mind that he might try to make this an opportunity, as my wife is professionally much more successful than him and of course she is quite a looker. He lives a long flight away btw so its long distance. I wonder what is the implication of that?
Btw, depression is what happened to me all these years. Imho MLC is what happened to me as well as her. I learnt from this forum that MLC can be a formidable issue in relationships .
.