I have no idea how long he has been clean. We are going to have a phone call to talk about that stuff. My mother was clean for nearly 10 years. One big life event through her over the edge. And that was cocaine, not heroin. I’m willing to hear him out.
As far as his mom. Yes, I realize I was not in mind and the only thing she wants is a good stable woman for his son. That’s her perspective. He literally just moved out from being back at home for 5 years. She’s not my friend, just a coworker and I think my best interest absolutely didn’t cross her mind.
As far as our compatibility even goes we are pretty opposite . He drives a truck, goes home, has jo responsibilities. Isn’t active except for half of his job ( delivers lumber). We lead pretty different lives. Mine is insanely busy, his isn’t. He’s a nice guy for sure, my physical attraction level to pictures is not up there. I absolutely believe that recovering addicts are deserving of love. I believe they can and are great people. One of the toughest things anyone will ever do is overcome addiction. I have much much respect for that.
Yes, the last guy I dated was bipolar . It’s like the universe is trying to get me to date my mother ? I just don’t know if I am emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with this sort of baggage due to my own. I can’t say I even want to, even if that sounds awful.
I’m not taking care of myself lately. It’s taking a toll on me. I can’t sustain 6 days per week working. I get no chance to take part in any of my hobbies. I get one day off and I have to catch up on house work. I generally have no quality of life right now. I need this to change soon.
I approached the big boss with my interest in the position today. She was supportive and she smiled and she was very honest with me regarding the position and what we don’t see and she also knows I have a very good relationship with my coworkers and did tell me that would likely change. Which I knew. She wants me to apply , the position would be posted next week. I was honest and I told her I considered it 2 years ago when it became available, but I didn’t feel ready then, but I feel ready now. It’s a big step. But I think it would be a good one in so many ways. I’d absolutely regret not applying. Time for some growth.
This is where I am at. D is leaving for vacation tomorrow. I have plans Friday and Saturday night. And I know I am so burnt out, I actually want to cancel them. I need a weekend away alone. I’ll never get it, but I need it
I just don’t know if I am emotionally and mentally equipped to deal with this sort of baggage due to my own. I can’t say I even want to, even if that sounds awful.
It's not awful to say that - it's honest, and it's a healthy boundary for you. It's ok to say no!!!!
nope, not awful - healthy boundaries and authentically being yourself. i've come to realize that a huge reason i've been meh about "K" is that I'm never sure when he's authentically himself or showing off or people pleasing. All's good, GF
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
My mother was clean for nearly 10 years. One big life event through her over the edge. And that was cocaine, not heroin. I’m willing to hear him out.
This example is probably the highest risk - for anyone. Addition can often be managed when things are going well but when a huge life event hits, it can really screw things up. I have a friend who did great in recovery from alcohol and also cocaine. He had I think 14 years. Then his fiancé broke up with him blind side bomb drop style (would have been his 4th wife) and that sent him right back to drinking. His rationale? Well coke was his real issue so drinking is not the same thing. Um, okay.
OUD (opioid use disorder) can be really, really hard to treat. Five years is a great milestone but no guarantee - especially if under the age of 30. (I realize this guy is older) I had to count my years, I think it's 12.5 but that was not heroin or IV opioids but I have to be vigilant for the rest of my life whether oxy or H. Thing is, my addiction is probably on the lower end of concerns with dating me honestly it is.
I don't know this guy from Adam but from what you are saying, it almost seems like you guys are not a match if his heroin history was not even an issue. If you are different people and you don't think physical attraction is not there, it won't matter what his history is. I know you want to cut people slack and are trying to be realistic - and that's good. But just don't lower the bar too far. Living at home for 5 years as an adult is a bigger red flag to me than previous H addiction is. Then not a lot of ambition - something many daily pot users have in common, it just is, plus sounds very unmotivated, (again daily weed) has this social or whatever type of anxiety. OMG, he can't fit any list of traits you've got to be looking for. I mean, "If only I could find someone who smokes pot daily, lives with his mom, doesn't have much of a career, has social anxiety and is a recovering addict, I'd find my dream man" SAYS NO ONE! Or at least I sure hope so.
And I again agree with KML and Butterfly - you're being honest. It really is okay to say no. It's a balance of keeping options open and an open mind but also keeping your standards high. Why does this guy sound like a different version of M? I just get that vibe.
You deserve a good guy Ginger if not a great guy. A guy who has his sht together. A guy who is driven, motivated, hard working, smart, accomplished, in addition to kind, funny, fun and into you. Something tells me mama's boy is not him. Wish he was. I think he may be single for a reason.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I have plans Friday and Saturday night. And I know I am so burnt out, I actually want to cancel them. I need a weekend away alone. I’ll never get it, but I need it
Just an idea…see what the promotion would look like, benefits wise. Will you get more money and more vacation time? You may be able to negotiate increased vacation time as part of your negotiations. Or, at the very least, you can always work in taking a much needed vacation into the job acceptance. I’ve already had vacations scheduled when starting a new job and just told them that was the case when they made me an offer. As long as they can plan for it, maybe you take that much needed break before you would start the new role…especially if you get a bonus or the pay increase would help you to feel like you could manage it.
Taking some much needed and deserved time for yourself would also be an investment into your future and in your health. You work so hard and have been stretched thin for so long. I hope that the new opportunity will lead to increased pay so that you can take some much needed time off for yourself.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I wrote a post and it disappeared so this one will be the abbreviated version
Elbreth, i am definitely going for this new position. Everyone knows it, everyone wants me to. I don’t think that means I’ll get it though. But I’ll try. It has to be financially worth me losing my second position . ( which I worked today and was exhausting. Busy day) I also already have lots and lots of vacation time as my hospital system is generous and k have been with them over 5 years. I just never take time. I carry over time every year. I lost time 2 years ago by not taking it. I’m doing better taking it this year, and In the summer k am Taking a good amount of long weekends.
d14 is away in San Diego. She went through he ll. Delayed and cancelled first flight then had to drive to Boston to catch a plane the next day ( that’s almost 4 Horus away) . I think she misses me already. She calls me multiple times per day. She took my strawberry picking through FaceTime yesterday. She said good night, I love you 😘😘” last night . Texted me throughout the day today and took pictures and sent them to me at the owner fields she was at. I feel like she wants me to be apart of these experiences. And I am happy to be in the way that I am.
I had a date after work tonight. From bumble. We went to a brewery. He’s my age. No kids. Divorced. Wouldn’t let me buy a drink. Spoke of our second date a half hour into our first. He wants kids thigh. We talked about it. He accepts that may never happen, but a family is a desire of his. I told him I 100000% want no more kids. He wants to continue to get to know me . I think he was a little drunk, lll. He actually bought me beer from the brewery to go. I tried to lay the whole time, he wouldn’t let me. So us women aren’t just looking for a free ride, FYI. We hugged goodbye, but honestly I can’t tell you when I last wanted to kiss someone kna nicest date .definitely not since last year:
I feel like I have been on a zillion dates. I am more detached and uninterested as time goes on. 40’s is the hardest time to date for sure when you have a teenager and don’t want another kid.
I tried to lay the whole time, he wouldn’t let me.
Funny how one small typo can change the entire meaning of a sentence
Originally Posted by Ginger1
So us women aren’t just looking for a free ride, FYI.
It is very hard for a guy to know if a woman is being genuine or it is just a test. In many cases, the woman is not happy if the guy let's her pay on the first date even when the woman insists. If he does not come across as misogynistic or sexist based on other interactions, I would ignore the fact that he did not let you pay.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am more detached and uninterested as time goes on. 40’s is the hardest time to date for sure when you have a teenager and don’t want another kid.
It is just so depressing
It is an unfortunate consequence of having standards But being detached and single is still better than lowering your standards and being miserable in a bad relationship
It's wonderful you and your daughter have such a good relationship that she calls and includes you in her experiences even when you can't be there. I bet the "good night I love you" text filled your heart to the brim. You must be an incredible mother.
On the work / vacation front...instead of losing or carrying time over I would it your employer might consider paying some of it out? My company allows employees to sell up to 80 hours a year. If so that might help your financial strain.
Sorry for the dating frustration. Hang in there.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
