The problem here is that you have unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. For example - ABC is the situation, a normal person would do DEF, but he’s doing XYZ, what the hell is wrong with him?
The problem with this thinking is it keeps bringing you down. These walkaway spouses are in absolute turmoil. If you expect crappy, non-sensical and inflammatory behaviour at each turn, you’ll find it much easier to deal with. It is going to continue for some time, and the quickest path past it is to drastically change your expectations.
The is absolute gold.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In my most humble of opinions, I wouldn’t recommend you message him back.
1. His OW pressuring him - not your problem to fix. Why should you bend over and make things easier for the woman breaking into your family? He can put his big boy pants on and deal with her himself.
2. Do you think it will help if you re-state your position? ie How likely is it you’ll send a message explaining again what your ObGYN said and then your husband will say “oh yeah, I understand your point now - that makes sense!” …. I’ll tell you, it ain’t going to happen. Nothing you say will change his mind. So why bother?
If you are absolutely determined to reply which I wouldn’t, then “I feel I’ve made my position quite clear.”
In my most humble of opinions, I wouldn’t recommend you message him back... I’ll tell you, it ain’t going to happen. Nothing you say will change his mind. So why bother?
If you are absolutely determined to reply which I wouldn’t, then “I feel I’ve made my position quite clear.”
Thank you, Kind18. I understand what you are saying and yes I think I have made it clear that I cannot come in my previous text. I guess what I am trying to do is to preempt him from threatening to bring OW in the apartment or worse, just leave my son on his own, or God knows what he might do really. I also don't want to deal with him asking where I am last minute tomorrow (when I'm supposed to be back) because he is just going. As I am writing this, however, I am more convinced about not texting him back or at the max just say "I feel I have made my position clear.."
I know why he is like this, it is because OW is pressuring him to go. I am also a little afraid that she might end up coming into the apartment and therefore meeting my son prematurely.
So let's play this out since you have no control over this.
So what if she does?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I wouldn’t worry about your son meeting OW prematurely. I get why it would bother you but he’s three years old. He’s not going to be thinking about big picture stuff. She’ll just be a lady he met. My XH introduced our kids to a few women when we were still married and l was unaware of his activities. They would have been between the ages of five and nine. He told them they were friends and they didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until he left to live with the last one that they started putting two and two together. If he mentions to you that he met her, you just need to keep your game face on and seem unconcerned… “oh…you met a friend of daddy’s. That’s nice.” No need to make it more than that. If it seems like a non issue to you, it will be a non issue for him. That’s the kindest thing you can do for him at this age. I know it sux but it is what it is. And…yes…you are married to a moron. (((HUGS)))
Yes, don't text him again. Or at least wait 24 hours. You already stated your terms and boundaries STOP ENGAGING there is nothing to gain from continuing a negative interaction.
I am also a little afraid that she might end up coming into the apartment and therefore meeting my son prematurely.
Ahh--the illusion of control!
PS - My kids met my new GF 6 weeks ago. I've had three friends over in the past 6 weeks. When I mentioned her name to my D17 this week, she said, "Which of the friends was she?" I said the one who played X. They said, "The one with the girl?" I said no, that one played Y. Meeting her will be as big or small of an event as you and he make it.
Good. I think that's the right decision considering a soon-to-be-newborn, plus your H's behaviors (though the law/courts don't typically care about immorality anymore).
Originally Posted by AnnKay
There is a separation agreement we both agreed to after the first time he left, and in there issues of spousal maintenance, child support etc was laid out. The lawyer had a look at it and suggested it is reasonable as long as he has no contestation.
Good, that'll make the process easier on you - though obviously be sure to adjust the amounts for the addition of a child.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I guess what I am trying to do is to preempt him from threatening to bring OW in the apartment
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am also a little afraid that she might end up coming into the apartment and therefore meeting my son prematurely.
I get it. Trust me. My now ExW moved OM2 in with my kids soon after she moved out. It hurt immensely. It's wrong...etc. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so you'll have to let it go. Most western countries do not factor in affairs/infidelity/morality at all into the equation any more. It has very little to no bearing on the proceedings, so unless there's documented physical or drug abuse or criminal history is unfortunately it's simply out of your control. Not an easy pill to swallow, as myself, Ginger1, DejaVu6 and many others can attest to, but it is what it is. Sorry :-(
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Thank you, everyone. I have stopped texting and as expected he was bombarding me with replies. I have ignored him successfully until he again asked 'what are your plans?.' I replied "I have made my plans clear in my last message" referring to what my obgyn said. He replied "you do realise that it is going to mean it is very unlikely I will ever be allowed to help with anything again ever?" Note that he needs to 'be allowed.'
I really do not feel like answering to him, but I think about something along the lines "I understand your concern, however I cannot come back and I am unwilling to risk the life of our baby."
I think I can just call him out on his (practically) threat by saying "so you are willing to be dictated on how you see your child and be a part of the lives of your baby." He is a scientist and it should be clear as day that the fact and the risk are clear enough that he should not be pushing me. I am really disappointed of his behaviour but I am not sure what I can do now. I do not want to come back and risk getting covid (and going against my Obgyn) nor do I want to deal with his stupidity.
He told them they were friends and they didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until he left to live with the last one that they started putting two and two together. If he mentions to you that he met her, you just need to keep your game face on and seem unconcerned… “oh…you met a friend of daddy’s. That’s nice.” No need to make it more than that. If it seems like a non issue to you, it will be a non issue for him. That’s the kindest thing you can do for him at this age.
Thank you, DejaVu. This is an interesting point. One of my counselors did say I need to approach things from my son's perspectives and yes maybe he would not think to much of it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I know it sux but it is what it is. And…yes…you are married to a moron. (((HUGS)))
haha yes, unlucky that it took me so long to see his true colours.
