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AnnKay Offline OP
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I have just been back from some time off and saw a lawyer before.
It seems that the lawyer or the legal system here anyway is preferring settlement much more than going to court for divorce.
We quickly go through the estimated value of all of our known assets and although I think it is quite a nice amount, the lawyer seems to think that if its not in the 10s of millions it will not be worth fighting for. That, and the fact that we have so little joint assets makes settlement more favourable.
I am still sitting down on this discussion and will meet a couple of friends who have been through the same thing next week too.

Secondly, I am still away from home with my H looking after son. Last night, he called to say that he tested positive for Covid and needs to isolate for 7 days at home with my son. He sounds very poorly (he has kinda been a bit sickly the last time I saw him) and I am worried for him. I am worried for my son and worried that he might not be well taken care of, or be wondering where Mummy is. I am also worried that H might be too ill to take care of my son, but now I cannot go there unless I want to isolate with them.

I am not sure whether I should offer my help and offer to come home at this point. A part of me wants to be there for my son as he will need comforting, especially if his test turns out positive, but another part is worried because I am pregnant. Additionally, it will surely be against detachment if I suddenly come back there again knowing H is stuck there for a week.

Help! Any advice will be so appreciated.

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Ohmigosh AnnKay. That’s a dilemma, to say the least. Have you spoken with your doctor or OBGYN about this? That would be my first call if I were you. You need to assess the medical risks to yourself and to your unborn baby first and foremost. Your son is three and kids his age tend to have mild cases so in that respect, he’s probably okay. However, whether or not your H will be able to take care of him really depends on how sick he gets. Another option would be to go get your son, with your doctor’s okay, and self isolate with him at your place without your H. I wouldn’t go and look after H…he can rely on OW for that, IMO.

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Hi AnnKay,

I see the wisdom in your choice not to get your child given he may have COVID.

Most single parents--moms or dads--if they've been vax'd are capable of caring for a child while sick--especially with the invention of Doordash for grocery and meal delivery. If you're unsure about his ability, consider a daily check-in with him and your son.

If he loses the capacity to care for your son, I agree with DV, take your son away from your XH. That minimizes the chance of you, your son, or your newborn being infected. XH chose to fire you as his wife. One consequence is not having you as his wife!

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AnnKay Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Ohmigosh AnnKay. That’s a dilemma, to say the least. Have you spoken with your doctor or OBGYN about this? That would be my first call if I were you. You need to assess the medical risks to yourself and to your unborn baby first and foremost.

I have not yet got a hold on Obgyn, but as I have tested negative, the midwife has advised me to stay away if I can, or, if I can isolate at home. I think it will be difficult to isolate at home seeing as my son is very attached to me so he would probably want to be close all the time.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Your son is three and kids his age tend to have mild cases so in that respect, he’s probably okay. However, whether or not your H will be able to take care of him really depends on how sick he gets. Another option would be to go get your son, with your doctor’s okay, and self isolate with him at your place without your H. I wouldn’t go and look after H…he can rely on OW for that, IMO.

Yes, that is my worry. As it seems I am not advised to go there at the moment, so there is nothing I can do. Although, if H gets worse I will have to take my son firstly and at that time hospitalisation is probably the only course of action for H. I am not sure yet what the logistics might be like as they are both in our place. I am guessing as long as H has covid he is not allowed to go anywhere or see anyone including OW.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
Hi AnnKay,

I see the wisdom in your choice not to get your child given he may have COVID.

Most single parents--moms or dads--if they've been vax'd are capable of caring for a child while sick--especially with the invention of Doordash for grocery and meal delivery. If you're unsure about his ability, consider a daily check-in with him and your son.

Thank you, Traveler. Yes, I will probably opt for the daily check in and see how they go. Before I went away I have already stocked the fridge and bought supplies so hopefully they will be fine for food etc.

Originally Posted by Traveler
If he loses the capacity to care for your son, I agree with DV, take your son away from your XH. That minimizes the chance of you, your son, or your newborn being infected.

And now especially as my son has tested negative, I will consider taking him away. It will still be a risk being there before the 7th day though, so I might see how things are with them in few days time.

Originally Posted by Traveler
XH chose to fire you as his wife. One consequence is not having you as his wife!

This is so true. I am a little tempted to think that karma has something to do with it. Now he not only has to experience being ill and not having anyone to take care of him, he also has to take care of a toddler as well for a whole week. It is a little like what he put me through in our separation, particularly the first month after the second time he split with me and cut off contact. I was basically physically weakened because of the pregnancy and struggling with morning sickness AND I had to take care of my son all the time. Now he gets a taste of what he made me go through.

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AnnKay,
Originally Posted by AnnKay
It seems that the lawyer or the legal system here anyway is preferring settlement much more than going to court for divorce.
I get the sense this is common most places. A trial is a long costly process which probably ends in a similar result to a reasonable agreement, so where I am at least the Ls and judge "strongly encourage" a private settlement.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
We quickly go through the estimated value of all of our known assets and although I think it is quite a nice amount, the lawyer seems to think that if its not in the 10s of millions it will not be worth fighting for.
Not sure if I'm misreading the last part, but you should get what you're legally entitled to regardless of whether you're going to trial or preferably settling. The law is the law. If your H isn't reasonable about the finances then weigh the costs/benefits/risks but don't just let him run away with it.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
That, and the fact that we have so little joint assets makes settlement more favourable. I am still sitting down on this discussion and will meet a couple of friends who have been through the same thing next week too.
You refer to the assets, but those can be more straightforward than other issues. What about custody, child support, spousal maintenance? Do you have a good sense of your approach there? With the young age of the kids are you going to push for primary custody, or will you agree to 50/50? Do you have any idea what H wants?

Originally Posted by AnnKay
Last night, he called to say that he tested positive for Covid and needs to isolate for 7 days at home with my son. He sounds very poorly (he has kinda been a bit sickly the last time I saw him) and I am worried for him. I am worried for my son and worried that he might not be well taken care of, or be wondering where Mummy is. I am also worried that H might be too ill to take care of my son, but now I cannot go there unless I want to isolate with them.
Every case is different and there are many more serious than mine, so don't but I took care of my then S5 and D2 for 17 days straight while all three of us had COVID and managed fine. Kept S5 on track with virtual Kindergarten and worked remotely while entertaining a 2yo. It was hectic, it was exhausting, but I did it...and the kids had great fun w/grocery and dinner delivery! Point being I mostly agree w/DejaVu and Traveler that if you're pregnant and at risk maybe give yourself a break and let H care for your son and you rest up and keep you and your baby safe. I'm sure it'll be tough not to see your son for a week, but there's always video chat.

Originally Posted by Traveler
XH chose to fire you as his wife. One consequence is not having you as his wife!
Completely agree with this one! Any decision should be made purely on the best interest of you, your son and your baby...not at all for H.


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Originally Posted by BL42
You refer to the assets, but those can be more straightforward than other issues. What about custody, child support, spousal maintenance? Do you have a good sense of your approach there? With the young age of the kids are you going to push for primary custody, or will you agree to 50/50? Do you have any idea what H wants?

Thanks, BL42. I will push for primary custody. There is a separation agreement we both agreed to after the first time he left, and in there issues of spousal maintenance, child support etc was laid out. The lawyer had a look at it and suggested it is reasonable as long as he has no contestation.

Originally Posted by BL42
Every case is different and there are many more serious than mine, so don't but I took care of my then S5 and D2 for 17 days straight while all three of us had COVID and managed fine. Kept S5 on track with virtual Kindergarten and worked remotely while entertaining a 2yo. It was hectic, it was exhausting, but I did it...and the kids had great fun w/grocery and dinner delivery! Point being I mostly agree w/DejaVu and Traveler that if you're pregnant and at risk maybe give yourself a break and let H care for your son and you rest up and keep you and your baby safe. I'm sure it'll be tough not to see your son for a week, but there's always video chat.

Yes, I just had a video call with my son and he seems to be ok and Obgyn also suggested that I do not risk it. So will stay away for 7 day.

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AnnKay Offline OP
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I swear I am married to a moron. Even with his covid diagnosis and illness, he still manages to be unreasonable. I texted H saying Obgyn said I should stay away so I will be back next week, and I told him of what food there is and what he could do. He texted me saying "surely you can come back and I can go." Is it just me or does this not sound like a covid isolation rule violation? and also, is he insane?
I cannot believe he is willing to risk my health and the baby's (I guess this is not suprising seeing as he abandoned us already) just so that he can come back to OW?
Besides, he would be a public health risk if he exits the apartment, and I am sure there is some fine related to that here.
I only texted him back reitirating my last text about the Obgyn. I do not know what else I should say to him.

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Quote
I swear I am married to a moron. Even with his covid diagnosis and illness, he still manages to be unreasonable.

Most of the LBS here were also married to morons. We feel your pain. It must make you feel so exasperated. The problem here is that you have unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. For example - ABC is the situation, a normal person would do DEF, but he’s doing XYZ, what the hell is wrong with him?

The problem with this thinking is it keeps bringing you down. These walkaway spouses are in absolute turmoil. If you expect crappy, non-sensical and inflammatory behaviour at each turn, you’ll find it much easier to deal with. It is going to continue for some time, and the quickest path past it is to drastically change your expectations.

Quote
I only texted him back reitirating my last text about the Obgyn. I do not know what else I should say to him.

There’s nothing else to say. You have made your feelings and boundary clear, and that’s all you have to do. Why change your position just because he can’t put his big boy pants on and just deal with it?

Forget about it and move on.

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Originally Posted by Kind18
Most of the LBS here were also married to morons. We feel your pain. It must make you feel so exasperated. The problem here is that you have unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. For example - ABC is the situation, a normal person would do DEF, but he’s doing XYZ, what the hell is wrong with him? If you expect crappy, non-sensical and inflammatory behaviour at each turn, you’ll find it much easier to deal with.
Haha thank you, Kind18. What an interesting point. This sounds like how I should like the right way to think about his actions.

Originally Posted by Kind18
There’s nothing else to say. You have made your feelings and boundary clear, and that’s all you have to do. Why change your position just because he can’t put his big boy pants on and just deal with it?

Forget about it and move on.

He texted again saying that my son does not have covid, so surely the best thing is for me to come back and he can isolate somewhere else.
What an idiot.

I am going to text him saying that my son has symptoms, so even if he does not test positive now, he might do later. I think it is unreasonable to be risking my health and the baby by exposing myself to known risks. Again, in isolation you cannot leave where you are staying for 7 days.

Any thoughts anyone?

I know why he is like this, it is because OW is pressuring him to go. I am also a little afraid that she might end up coming into the apartment and therefore meeting my son prematurely.

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