NEXT!

[Ginger1]

I can assure that my standards are not above where they should be. Trust me, if they are above my scale I don’t even bother swiping right, even if I’m interested because I’m not delusional . I’m a very humble woman, and if anything I might swipe lower on this “scale” I’m realistic. He just didn’t seem like the ghosting type, even if he was more interested in someone else. He was also acting very interested, then not . But it’s Ok. I am not going to think too much into it. I just know even when things seem decent, don’t trust it.

I’m talking to my coworkers son. I’m beginning to feel like this is a bad idea. It’s a lot of pressure for it to work out. Texting is good, we are going to call soon and go out not this weekend, but next weekend. He is really interested. I am so/so. Attraction wise, eh on my end. But that might be something that could get better in person and knowing him. His mom did disclose up front he has a medical marijuana card. He disclosed he has anxiety. You all may be surprised at this, but I don’t! He did say his anxiety has kept him from doing things he planned at the minute. It’s a tough one. But I will certainly go on the date. It’s tough, if it doesn’t work, I work with both his mother and father. His dad works at my hospital too. He is like the nicest man in the world. My hospital is a mid sized community hospital and everyone knows everyone!

Elbreth- I have been stuck in a state that has been sucking me dry due to divorce. I really don’t have much here and if I wasn’t bound to this state, I would have moved in a second. But. 18 years, lol. I’m ready to pack it up, sell it and peace out of here and go back to renting. I hate homeowning. I’m house poor. I would love to move to a slower paced more peaceful place, by the mountains and the beach. New people, new scenery, it would be really refreshing. 3.5 years. Seems so far away. And I hate that I am mentally rushing through my daughters high school years just to get there.

[DonH]

He just didn’t seem like the ghosting type, even if he was more interested in someone else. He was also acting very interested, then not . But it’s Ok. I am not going to think too much into it. I just know even when things seem decent, don’t trust it.

This is what finally did it in for me with OLD. Even the people who you’d think would be the last to ghost or do other things seem to have zero problems with doing it. The frustration and hopelessness of it all left me feeling worse than if I didn’t try at all - yet still in the same place. I have to give you huge credit if you really are not letting it get to you. But are you really? How could it not? I’m really strong with huge self-esteem and it got to me.

Since it appears after finally coming over to our side about OLD LH has just ghosted himself… I’ll have to ask you what I know he already has in the past and would again - why are you going back to it AGAIN? Just weeks ago you said you were done with it, for the 19th time. Then in a flash you are back. Why? These seemingly spur of the moment changes and reactions worry me. You have this pattern of saying one thing but then doing the opposite.

I also wonder about your type/don’t have a type with these blue collar guys. What’s up with that? The guys you seem to be interested in and attracted to are not good for you yet guys that are interested in you and may be good for you you’re not interested in. This is by your own admission. While I also understand it I have to wonder how much it has to do with both if our sitchs.

I wish I had the answer as time just keeps passing by and here we are. I fear moving is not it. Sure it may help with other things but the guys you are meeting, interested in and rejecting won’t change because your location does. Seems the best woukd be to figure out why you can’t accept one if the guys who are really into you. Easier said than done perhaps but half of the equation is already in place - they are interested. This is the piece you can’t control - their interest. You have more control over your response. I know I coukd tell the same things to myself as well so I know it’s not easy. But shouid it all be so hard?

[AndrewP]

Just out of curiosity Ginger - since this is something I'm regularly asked to identify - what is on your list of "must have" and "nice to have"? What "is" your type?

If I recall correctly you have in fact dated the "lives in his Mom's basement playing video games" type in the past.

I know from our past interactions that I'm certainly not your type so aging lonely nerds who enjoy baking is perhaps out

What sort of markers do you look at to see if they are suitable? Job / looks / kids / location / financial stability? I'm sure it's changed over time.

[Elbereth]

Ginger, if you and the coworkers son don’t find a connection, you could say that you simply didn’t feel any chemistry with him even if you thought he was a great person.

To me, chemistry is something that is either there or isn’t. And it can be intellectual and/or sexual (among other things). Not having chemistry with someone is not someone’s fault. It’s not within our control. Someone can be perfect on paper and there can be no chemistry.

So, if you respond with that, how could anyone fault you? It’s the truth. I mean, if finding someone was all about finding someone perfect on paper, we’d all have arranged relationships.

If you are honest and open and truthful, how could your coworkers hold that against you? Same thing with telling guys you date that you are not feeling the chemistry with them? It’s honest and better than stringing things along only to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s definitely easier to accept than being told you are not someone’s type…which to me implies that they are missing something specific. Chemistry is not specific. It’s ambiguous.

And to me, chemistry can be instantaneous. But it also can develop as you know more about someone. So give someone a few dates or connections to feel it out. But only as long as you are intrigued enough for another date. And also accept that someone may not feel chemistry towards you but that takes nothing away from the awesome person you are. People just click or they don’t.

I think if this guy you had been texting just ghosted you, that says a lot about the person. A good honest and open person would give you an explanation. Sure, it can be awkward, but I feel that being a good person to others is more important than a moment of awkwardness of telling someone you are not feeling the chemistry or have moved on with other interests.

Anyway, those are my suggestions for you to consider.

El

[Ginger1]

I haven’t been really actively online dating and all my apps deleted, except hinge where I got that one date. It’s been months I haven’t been active. I decided to go back active with a better mindset. I’m mostly attracted to the blue collar type. They aren’t even bad boys. They are regular men.

My “type” is a humble but confident man. Hard working, funny and fun.

Andrew, my must haves include a job, not live over an hour away, must be legally divorced. No separation and no recent divorce in a year or under. I’m flexible on living with parents depending on sitch, because the middle class is dying over here in my state. When you rent/mortgage/taxes are well over 2k a month which is nearly impossible to maintain in a single income household. I know I’m dying and i would do it if I could. I haven’t dated the “living in moms basement playing video games” type. Must be employed and must not be just freeloading. The ones I have dated who lived with parents are in the above situation I mention and have all been gainfully employed. When you become a single parent to a young kid too, I think it’s great to have extended family around to be of support. It’s great for thebkid to have family around. I wish I had it . I think they are pretty reasonable . I would like some similar hobbies , but there are no hard or fast rules about that.

Elbreth, I agree, if there ends up being no chemistry, it is OK for me to say that. I will be beyond respectful and I think everyone would understand. Hey, we may go out and I totally dig him , or he might meet me and not dig me!

[BL42]

Ginger1,

I’m just so confused about this dating thing. 14 years and nothing to show for it. While I am really yearning for that great emotional connection, I am trying to decide if getting there is worth it or a cheese less tunnel for me, as they say

14 years is a long time. That must be frustrating. I don't have any advice; less than a year in and already getting a sense/taste of what you've experienced. That our Exs walked right into another long term situation at BD doesn't help.

It seems the men I’m not interested in are interested in me, and the ones I am interested in aren’t interested in me!

Just curious, have you given this some self-reflection and discussed it with IC?

I would love to move to a slower paced more peaceful place, by the mountains and the beach. New people, new scenery, it would be really refreshing. 3.5 years. Seems so far away. And I hate that I am mentally rushing through my daughters high school years just to get there.

Encourage your daughter to go to an area/state close to where you want to move!

my must haves include a job, not live over an hour away, must be legally divorced. No separation and no recent divorce in a year or under...Must be employed and must not be just freeloading...I would like some similar hobbies , but there are no hard or fast rules about that.

Seems like a reasonable list which if anything sets the the bar low.

I’m mostly attracted to the blue collar type. They aren’t even bad boys. They are regular men.

My “type” is a humble but confident man. Hard working, funny and fun.

This is a tricky thing to ask, but why do you think they're not interested in you? Maybe something to self-reflect and self-improve on? Though don't want to sound insulting because I'm sure you probably have over the years.

[kml]

As for going back to renting when you move - I think you should reconsider. You'll hopefully be in a position where you can move somewhere that your housing dollars go further, and have some equity in your current home. A condo or townhouse can relieved you of a lot of the burden of exterior maintenance, and then you don't have to worry about the landlord selling or having to move for other reasons. Also - having a paid-off home by the time you retire can really ease your retirement finances.

[Traveler]

Hi Ginger,

I’m talking to my coworkers son. I’m beginning to feel like this is a bad idea. It’s a lot of pressure for it to work out.

I'd consider working through these feelings--WHAT pressure? You're signed up for a single date. If you have fun or feel any attraction, go on another. If not, "I didn't feel a spark." That's literally all a date is. A bit of fun with someone OCCASIONALLY leading to more.

Texting is good, we are going to call soon and go out not this weekend, but next weekend.

Are you enjoying these calls/texts--would you consider it time well spent if you and he don't spark Just curious. My average was 15 minutes of texting before a first date, because if there was no spark, it felt like a waste of time and effort. Talking in person is more fun for me. Partly, I enjoyed dating because I stuck to doing what I enjoyed. E.g., preparing picnic foods! (:

He is really interested. I am so/so. Attraction wise, eh on my end. But that might be something that could get better in person and knowing him.

Definitely! Hard to gauge attraction before you meet someone.

He disclosed he has anxiety. You all may be surprised at this, but I don’t! He did say his anxiety has kept him from doing things he planned at the minute. It’s a tough one.

I can relate to anxiety, although unlike him, it rarely stops me. I tell my kids bravery doesn't exist without fear. The thing is, dating my current GF, my anxiety is nearly zero. Our routine of a single good morning text leaves me feeling confident and happy in our relationship. I suspect that is not a heavy burden on her shoulders! Magic Decoder Ring - You don't HAVE to ease his anxiety, but consider a "Looking forward to tomorrow!" the night before the date. It may settle his nerves so he sleeps well. This might help bring out the best in him to maximize the chances you find love and it's a match.

[Ginger1]

Re: buying vs. renting. I’m not looking to buy right away because I am not sure if I will like the new area, and I want freedom to say “nope, this isn’t for me” and move on to the next, until I find my happy place. I am planning on staying within driving distance of D’s college , and I’m hoping we agree on a college/area.

This guys anxiety is general anxiety and not relationship based. Like he had the chance to take a really great trip, but backed out last minute because his anxiety got the best of him .

Am I enjoying his texts? A little. Everything is pretty superficial right now and kind and friendly. We did get a little deeper last night. Not the same connection/flow with the other guy who disappeared .
But maybe when we meet in person it will be better.
I’m not ruling him out. And I guess I get anxiety about hurting someone’s son that I know if the feelings aren’t the same. My anxiety generally lies around hurting others . It’s weird.

For now, I have my wedding this weekend. Looking forward to a weekend away

[Traveler]

Hi Ginger,

I guess I get anxiety about hurting someone’s son that I know if the feelings aren’t the same. My anxiety generally lies around hurting others.

If it helps, adult men have all been rejected more than a few times. We are the initiators so face that more than women. I barely remember ladies who don't make it to 3 dates, as long as they're not the rude sort who ghost leaving you uncertain for days. Ladt year, Ms. BunnyBoiler aka Ms. DoGooder broke up after five dates and these were my feelings--

{Update} - After I wrote the above, MsDoGooder called to break-up. She was in tears. Tuesday she setup an overnight date. Thursday she learned she has Hashimoto's and is breaking up with me. She said too much is happening in her life and she's not sure she felt a connection beyond the physical. I don't know whether I feel sad or relieved--both? What's clear is my Saturday evening and Sunday morning are free. I can Bumble again. Maybe, though, I'll work on putting my house in better shape, first.

Even after five dates and a month, it was a sad moment, but by the time she messaged me again that evening (confusing), I was ready to block her drama and was already wrapping my head around housekeeping and new options.