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Originally Posted by Stella20
Also, I did something stupid over the weekend after one too many cocktails. H is out in Vegas with OW for a bowling tournment, getting wasted everyday Im sure.. I could kick myself now for doing this but I sent him a text that said "please be safe out there, I miss you" And OMG, he monstered at me like crazy. Went off about me talking with one of his friends on the phone (he checked the phone bill) figured out it was this friend that "made up stories" about him with all of the other women. Told me that I did not love him that I hated him, if I loved him I would not believe all the lies his friend is telling me . That he is not a guy lost to a party life, it is the opposite. That I made him out to be a monster by my words and actions, that I am not fighting for him or us that I am destroying us and his image. That I don't believe in him anymore. That his is still the same compassionate made and that I have created a image of him that is not true.. very very angry rant.
I did respond by saying... I am sorry you feel that way, and did not mean to upset you, have a good night.
Originally Posted by Stella20
The week before he left, he was texting me about a house we used to look at all the time. It was our dream home and we would drive past it all the time. We always said we would buy it if it ever went up for sale. Well he text me last week that it was for sale and I was right it is well over our price level, that the house was the perfect home. He went on for about a half an hour about the house and memories of all the times we talked about it...WTF???
So Stella I think the first thing you need to ask is "do I feel better or worse after these conversations"?
Originally Posted by Stella20
And before you tell me to block him, I just can't yet.

What is keeping you from blocking him?
Originally Posted by Stella20
Maybe when the D is final I will be able to find the courage to do that. I just can't yet. But I have come along way in 5 months..
So how is now different than 5 months ago? What has changed?

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Stella20,

Are you gearing up for an actual trial or is it likely you'll settle? My experience, and from what I've heard from others, is things usually speed up as the trial date gets closer. Months out you might be exchanging communications every couple weeks or once a month but then the week or two before it's rapid fire as no one (plaintiff, defendant, attorneys, or judge) want to spend time and money going to trial over items which should be reasonably agreed to between the two parties.

Think of everything as a negotiation. You and H can agree on almost any result. If there is a strong disagreement you can't compromise on then maybe you'll have to go to trial but that seems unlikely based on your thread. It doesn't sound like a battle over custody, just a simple division of assets, and so the legal costs of going to trial may unweigh any benefits of not compromising.

You don't HAVE to have an appraisal. My ExW and I didn't. I was keeping the house and she offered an estimate well below purchase price let alone market value...so my L and I quickly jumped on the offer. If you propose a value or you let H propose a value you two can agree without any professional assessment. However, you may not feel confident in your own ability to value the property and more comfort getting an expert's opinion. Also if you go to trial you'll need evidence to prove your point so both parties might bring in their own appraisal and the judge can rule on it.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I do want to keep the house for now, I can not take anymore change right now. Can I delay the appraisal if I am staying in the house?? Or does it need to be done before the court date
How long would this delay be? Is the market value really going to shift that dramatically in a few weeks? Usually appraisals are built on comparisons to recently sold and it seems like it would take awhile to make a significant difference, but I'm not a real estate expert.

Originally Posted by Stella20
And I assume the cost would be taken out of the 401k split
Again, it's all a negotiation. They'll create a balance sheet to net out the cash. You could give up some of your 401k to defray the equity if H agrees. Just be wary of mortgaging your future by giving up retirement funds. I'm not sure your financial position but I'd personally deal with the cash and retirement separately and not sacrifice the retirement accounts.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
LH19 #2933644 05/09/22 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
So Stella I think the first thing you need to ask is "do I feel better or worse after these conversations"?
Originally Posted by LH19
What is keeping you from blocking him?
Good questions to reflect on.

Stella remember when you're contacting H about his well being and telling him you miss him...he's out gallivanting with OW. Do you think that communicates strength or weakness? Do you think that shows him your value as a woman is high or low? Do you think that will make him respect you more or less?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Thanks Andrew,
So do I use the apprasior my L suggested or just get a realtor that H agrees to? As I said, there has been nothing from him or his L since the temp order.

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Originally Posted by Stella20
Thanks Andrew,
So do I use the apprasior my L suggested or just get a realtor that H agrees to? As I said, there has been nothing from him or his L since the temp order.
Your lawyer is the pro and has done all this before. I'm just a random guy from a different country with a different situation.

As others have mentioned, there are lots of ways to value assets including the house. When I went for a mortgage the bank was happy to use the number from the local property tax assessor for example.

I think I can safely say though that you cannot trust your H to act in your best interests or by the sounds of it to even act at all much less in a timely basis. And there's something to be said about lining up your ducks without poking the bear.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Yes, ask your attorney about an appraiser.

You can ask a realtor for their estimate but honestly, they want to sell your house and they are used to giving people unrealistic numbers for what they think is the maximum sales price. So in your situation they may or may not give you the best number. An appraiser is used to telling banks whether a home is actually worth as much as people are trying to pay for it. And get your own appraiser - if H doesn't like the figure he can go out and get his own independent appraisal.

And you can get a rough idea in the meantime by seeing what comparable homes have sold for in your area. Although as pointed out, this is a lagging indicator and if home prices are falling now, may not reflect that drop yet.

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Originally Posted by Stella20
I think the house is valued around 400,000 and its paid for.
The question is are you comfortable and confident in that 400k estimate? Based on the numbers you're referencing a home appraisal might be a good route. They're usually a minimal cost ($500) as compared to your home value and husband's salary so it might be good to arm yourself with a professional valuation.

Using $400k and assuming it's 50/50 if you kept the house you'd own H $200k against any cash value of bank accounts...etc. you split up. Can you cover that? Mortgaging the equity in the house might be an option, or defraying it against alimony. Talk to your L, accountant, any professionals to get ideas there.

Originally Posted by Stella20
H made 400 last year
That's a very high annual income. Like top 2-3% in the US. Perhaps you have a good number of assets to split which can defray the house equity?

Originally Posted by Stella20
And L is going for Alimony till I am 65,( I am 52) stating the emotional and verbal abuse, that I have documented, abandonment, (blindsided me and never told me he was "unhappy") the infection he gave me (can prove from doctors), my health issues (my back problems, the 2 surgeries caused from the rapid weight loss and stress that he put me though) and his public relationship with a married women. And we will not settle for less than 10 years.
I don't know if those are factors in the divorce. My state is no fault and alimony is based on a simple equation. But if they are a factor or if they can simply be brought up in court I'm assuming your H doesn't want his actions surfacing and they would at least look terrible and maybe bias a judge, so it's probably likely you'll come to a settlement without trial.

Have you settled any individual issues or received a settlement proposal yet?

Originally Posted by Stella20
As far as contacting him, I feel worse
Everyone here has made mistakes. Are you going to learn from your lesson?

Originally Posted by Stella20
I have been doing good with NC and GAL.
Awesome!

Originally Posted by Stella20
And I know I am getting closer to pulling the trigger on blocking him because after his little melt down, I almost did.
Do it.

Originally Posted by Stella20
And honestly, I have been kicking myself in the butt for doing that.
Don't beat yourself up. You weren't the first one and won't be the last.

[quote=Stella20]I don't think he will ever come out of this, I think he will be lost forever. Maybe on his death bed he will realize what a cruel heartless jerk he is, but I doubt it.
Your goal is to get to a point in life where you couldn't care less what he realizes and whether he comes out of it or not.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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dHi BL,
Meeting with my L on Thursday. I want to keep the house for now, who knows in a couple of years. I don't see the housing market crashing that hard anytime soon. And I don't think it is going to crash just level off.

As for assets, just the house, our 401ks, and 2 trucks. No debt. H has a sports collection valued at around 20grand. Most of our money is in 401ks. His income jumped up this last year, year and a half. I think that is really is problem the money went to his head.

He has said that he wants nothing from the house and what he is leaving is worth more than his collection, really what, my washer and dryer the pots and pans, the 8 year old furniture???? That stuff is all worthless and I am left to take care of all the junk that we have accumulated over the years. As far as I am concerned it can all go in the garbage...I don't want anything that he is leaving behind. Must be nice to just walk away from everything and leave me to deal with it. He can not even be bothered to deal with the D or get his junk out of the house. He has not soul..

Huh, super angry about his comment telling me he is still the same compassionate man he has always been..Wow thats funny, he has no idea what that word means

As long as we can lock in the alimony payments I should not have to worry about money. His half can come out of the 401k and I can invest money from alimony for the furture. Not like I am living like the Trumps..

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Quote
Must be nice to just walk away from everything and leave me to deal with it.

They almost all do that! I was exceptionally lucky, because my exH had moved out into a rental in a duplex that he wanted to buy, so he pushed to sell the house several months after he moved out. Since I knew I couldn't afford to keep it, I agreed, and left most of the work of preparing the house for sale to him. I remember distinctly being gone for the weekend with my new boyfriend while he and his friends worked on the house (generally not recommended to date so soon after separation but after 7 or so years of DBing my marriage I was DONE and the new boyfriend, who lived far away, really helped me though this time. ) I used to wonder what he thought when one time he straightened the bed before a viewing and found this very large t-shirt from my handsome 6'6" boyfriend tucked under my pillow lolol. (That man had wonderful pheromones). For reference, my ex was just average height, 5'10".

When the house sold I promptly moved in with my mother and took all my stuff- he was left to deal with the rest. I didn't take a single thing of his with me. I feel lucky because the usual pattern seems to be the WAS wants to use the LBSs house/garage as their personal free storage unit.

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Originally Posted by Stella20
Kml,
That was my lawyer I emailed not H and my lawyers response, H has doesn't know what I am doing with the house. I think he is assuming I will stay here forever.

I do want to keep the house for now, I can not take anymore change right now. Can I delay the appraisal if I am staying in the house?? Or does it need to be done before the court date
And I assume the cost would be taken out of the 401k split
imho you have far too much personal info in that post. I'd ask the mods to edit or delete it, for your own sake.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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