Husband MLC/Carzy

[Stella20]

Hi All...
BL,
In the past we would owe 4 to 5 grand in taxes so a wash is good and yes they were done by a CPA, and I have the files. Since H is crazy I told him to leave them and I would file with the rest of our tax papers.
As far as my push, I am human, I will always love him he was my H for 21 years and we have been in each others life for 28 years. I can't just shut that off. The life that I had with him was a happy one. I did not know he lived a double life, I trusted him, obviously that has changed now. I don't like him right now, and I hate the disgusting details that his friend has told me about and keeps telling me about. But the life we shared, in my eyes, in my memories is just that.

K
Yep I know, he was never the man I thought he was. For us to get back together after all of this would truly take a miracle. Yes he would need years of therapy and in patient treatment. He would have to change his entire life, I don't think he has that in him. With the lifestyle he is living, I am affraid he will meet a early grave. I am working that out with my attoney to make sure that all of the money that we have saved comes to me should that happen.

A
Yes, I have thought of this. When he figures out how much this is going to cost him, that he will try to stop the D. I spoke with my L about this as well. I am very much aware of what is coming, H is still clueless. At this point we would both have to agree to stop the D. If he comes crying and begging, my plan is to tell him that this marriage is dead, so the D needs to happen. That I will keep our money safe, but that he needs to get help and his own place. As Kml said, What would real change look like.... years of therapy and addiction recovery. But the marriage we had is dead.

D,
Yep, I offered to drop the check off in his truck at work so he would not have to see me or come to the house. But he said he would stop by on his lunch break, so I let him. I don't know what he was looking for either, but I acted like my old self, even showed him my surgery scar. He knows that I know the truth about his double life now, even if he won't admit it. I can't imagine what is going on in his head, it must be utter chaos. One would think that his demons are eating him alive from the inside out.

Bttrfly,
Right, I don't know why people think that way. I know myself, I can't just move on like its no big deal, I am not built that way. I am going out and having fun and meeting new people, but thats all it is for now. I am too broken for now, someday I'll be ready.

Thanks All
Stella

[bttrfly]

Stella,
If the mutual friend keeps telling you things, it's ok to kindly but firmly say something like, thank you for telling me what you've already told me, but I don't think it's in my best interest to hear any more. I appreciate you being so honest with me. And then change the topic. There comes a point where any additional information is not helpful.

xoxoxo

[Stella20]

Hi Bttrfly,
Yes, I already told him that, I get the picture, I don't need anymore.

New job is going good, actually starting to work in the system they have been training me in. Get my own accounts next week so will see how much info I have retained.. I have lots of notes... so we'll see. Not my dream job, but it has been a good distraction.

No news from my lawyer, but I have the tax papers to get to him so I will need to drop those off.

Realized on Sunday that my plates on my truck were going to expire at the end of the month. My truck is in H's name so when he changed his address the registration card must have went there. I text him to see if he had it, but he said he did not. I would imagine since OW works from home she got it in the mail and threw it away. Pretty sure thats a felony, so I will be letting the lawyer know about that.....

Been spending time with my girlfriend and my niece going out on the weekends to see bands. I have made some new friends and even introduced my niece to a nice young man I met. As for me there a couple of guys that are intrested, but I have my walls up and I am not ready for that at all. But its a nice ego bust.

Not much contact with H, he text me ever week on Wednesday or Thursday, but nothing this week. Last week I was working on getting the phones/cable/intrenet on seperate accounts. H had to call and release my number and text me that he did it last week. But dealing with the ATT is a nightmare. I have a seperate phone plane, but it is still on our bill, have to cancel the cable before I can transfer the intrenet to a new account so I can transfer my phone to that new account. Good thing they didn't ask for the blood of my first born...ugh, what a racket they have going....Could they make it anymore confusing... Cable is cancelled this weekend, I should probably let H know since he uses it to watch the Bucks game at the OW's house.. lol ahh maybe I will let him figure it out...lol

H called last Thursday, because he kept getting text from ATT that I was trying to change stuff. I answered, didn't want him to think I was being shaddy... Well, after I told him what I was doing, I was going to end the call.. He told me that the furnace filters need to be changed, figured I woulld not have thought of that ( I did ) Told me that I need to change the batteries on the smoke alarms, said he usually does it on daylight savings weeks. Asked again if I needed help with the pool. Told me he was going to get a storage shed to get his stuff out of the way cuz he knows how I hate having a messy house/garage. I told him that after June 6th he would only have a week or two to get his stuff out of the house. He was trying to joke with me while he was on the phone. I was polite, and listened to him ramble. Then I told him, well it Thursday and I know your Thursdays are busy so I will let you go, thanked him for reminding me of the house stuff. Then he repeated what I said in a really sad voice, and he was sniffling. I think he was crying...

But he is right back to his partying every night every weekend... they are going to Vegas for 7 days next week for bowling. So guess whatever sadness he felt was short lived. Ugh... he is so lost.. small glimpses of the man I thought I knew, but actions speak loader than words..he is still running and I don't think he will ever stop.

I don't contact him, except for the registration card, which if I would have just thought it threw I didn't need to text him about it. Realized after that I could just go to the gas station down the road to get new stickers for my plates. I was surprise that he got back to me right away, shock actually, in the past when I use to text him on the weekends, he would just ignore it until Monday when he was back at work. I don't know... seems like he is confused, he reaches out every week... But now I wait to respond. He sees from my social media that I am going out, also he can see that I have new male friends, think he is realizing that I might be moving on. Who knows...

Still have good days and bad days, but I am staying busy. I have alot of yard work to do to get the pool area ready for summer. Its been a bit overwhelming trying to take care of everthing by myself. Makes me mad that he abandoned me to do all this by myself, while he is out there living like a rockstar with no responsibiltys..jerk...

Well, just wanted to check in with everyone. Divorce is June 6th, not looking forward to it, but at least the finacials will be work out soon and that will give me some relief. I just wish none of this would have happen, I miss my old H, I miss my old life. But.. I think that I still love the memory of H, but this H I am starting to not like so much..

Hope everyone is well
Stella

[BL42]

Stella20,

New job is going good, actually starting to work in the system they have been training me in.

Awesome!

I would imagine since OW works from home she got it in the mail and threw it away. Pretty sure thats a felony, so I will be letting the lawyer know about that.....

It's fun to fantasize about revenge at times, but don't get consumed with it. This is speculation on your part w/o any evidence and you probably know L can't do anything about it.

Been spending time with my girlfriend and my niece going out on the weekends to see bands. I have made some new friends and even introduced my niece to a nice young man I met.

Great GAL, enjoy!

As for me there a couple of guys that are intrested, but I have my walls up and I am not ready for that at all. But its a nice ego bust.

Smart. You're still married, plus have a whole lot of healing to do.

Not much contact with H, he text me ever week on Wednesday or Thursday, but nothing this week.

Good. Hope it's helping you detach.

Cable is cancelled this weekend, I should probably let H know since he uses it to watch the Bucks game at the OW's house.. lol ahh maybe I will let him figure it out...lol

Yep, that's his problem now.

I answered, didn't want him to think I was being shaddy...

Is this Nice Girl Syndrome? Not answering the phone or talking to him isn't "shady", living with OW is. Plus, who cares what he thinks. Let it go to voicemail next time.

I told him that after June 6th he would only have a week or two to get his stuff out of the house.

Good. Now enforce what you said.

Then I told him, well it Thursday and I know your Thursdays are busy so I will let you go, thanked him for reminding me of the house stuff.

Good. Be the first to part ways.

Then he repeated what I said in a really sad voice, and he was sniffling. I think he was crying...

Too bad so sad. He's made his bed and now he has to sleep in it.

But he is right back to his partying every night every weekend... they are going to Vegas for 7 days next week for bowling. So guess whatever sadness he felt was short lived. Ugh... he is so lost.. small glimpses of the man I thought I knew, but actions speak loader than words..he is still running and I don't think he will ever stop.

Maybe not, but probably won't ride off in the sunset. Sounds like he has an unhealthy lifestyle.

I don't contact him

Good.

I don't know... seems like he is confused, he reaches out every week... But now I wait to respond.

Alright, but what about not responding at all?

He sees from my social media that I am going out, also he can see that I have new male friends, think he is realizing that I might be moving on. Who knows...

Could very well be, but he's not changing his actions. What would happen if you blocked him completely on social media so he has no idea what you're doing (and versa)?

Still have good days and bad days, but I am staying busy.

It's great you're staying busy. Keeping your mind on work, going out with friends, doing yard work...etc., all great GAL which will help with your attitude and outlook on life.

Makes me mad that he abandoned me to do all this by myself, while he is out there living like a rockstar with no responsibiltys..jerk...

I completely understand. Sometimes life's not fair.

Well, just wanted to check in with everyone. Divorce is June 6th, not looking forward to it, but at least the finacials will be work out soon and that will give me some relief. I just wish none of this would have happen, I miss my old H, I miss my old life. But.. I think that I still love the memory of H, but this H I am starting to not like so much..

Stella - Good update. You sound stronger now than in previous posts. Keep detaching and GAL'ing and this too shall pass. Your H sounds like a serial cheater and major jerk. Time to start sprinting in the other direction. We're all pulling for you.

[bttrfly]

will add on to BL's post - you don't have to completely block him on FB if that feels like too much. You can change your settings so that he can't see what you post - remember, though, that if you post with your cell phone the settings might still let him see your posts.

I think it's important to focus less on his feelings and more on yours.

Just my $.02

[DnJ]

Good Morning Stella

Nice to hear the job is going well. I’m sure you retained and took plenty of notes.

Realized on Sunday that my plates on my truck were going to expire at the end of the month. My truck is in H's name so when he changed his address the registration card must have went there. I text him to see if he had it, but he said he did not. I would imagine since OW works from home she got it in the mail and threw it away. Pretty sure thats a felony, so I will be letting the lawyer know about that.....

As BL said, speculation on your part.

Let it go my dear. No need to report such a minor offence. The feelings/beliefs you will inspire within yourself by taking the high road will eclipse any fleeting revengeful satisfaction. Although it is sure fun to dream about her getting a comeuppance.

H called last Thursday, because he kept getting text from ATT that I was trying to change stuff. I answered, didn't want him to think I was being shaddy...

Currently, and in this context, I agree with answering the call. H was having troubles and likely would blame you. Hmmmm. Of course he’d blame you, that what these folks do. Point being, you defused a potential problem with a wee call. And that is rather important during divorce proceedings. No need to exasperated the situation. Big picture view.

Well, after I told him what I was doing, I was going to end the call.. He told me that the furnace filters need to be changed, figured I woulld not have thought of that ( I did ) Told me that I need to change the batteries on the smoke alarms, said he usually does it on daylight savings weeks. Asked again if I needed help with the pool. Told me he was going to get a storage shed to get his stuff out of the way cuz he knows how I hate having a messy house/garage. I told him that after June 6th he would only have a week or two to get his stuff out of the house. He was trying to joke with me while he was on the phone. I was polite, and listened to him ramble. Then I told him, well it Thursday and I know your Thursdays are busy so I will let you go, thanked him for reminding me of the house stuff. Then he repeated what I said in a really sad voice, and he was sniffling. I think he was crying...

Funny how he prolonged the call. You did very well. It must have been difficult to listen to him and hear his sadness. Good job remaining polite and cordial.

But he is right back to his partying every night every weekend... they are going to Vegas for 7 days next week for bowling. So guess whatever sadness he felt was short lived. Ugh... he is so lost.. small glimpses of the man I thought I knew, but actions speak loader than words..he is still running and I don't think he will ever stop.

It’s pretty wild isn’t it? They peak out and then run again.

Yep, actions vs words.

he is out there living like a rockstar with no responsibiltys..jerk...

Lol.

Jerk. Haha

The voice I have of you talking in my head as I read your words, said “jerk” in such a tone and manner. I am pretty sure I captured and mirrored your sentiment rather well. And yes, what a jerk.

Take care my friend. Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

D

[kml]

Are you trying to keep the home yourself? If so, why are you revealing your strategy to him? Delay the appraisal as prices are likely to fall. Make sure you can afford to buy him out with the increase in interest rates.

If HE wants to keep the home, get it appraised now.

If neither of you want to keep the home, an appraisal doesn't matter, you will split whatever you sell it for.

[Stella20]

Kml,
That was my lawyer I emailed not H and my lawyers response, H has doesn't know what I am doing with the house. I think he is assuming I will stay here forever.

I do want to keep the house for now, I can not take anymore change right now. Can I delay the appraisal if I am staying in the house?? Or does it need to be done before the court date
And I assume the cost would be taken out of the 401k split

[AndrewP]

I kept the marital house. I used an "opinion of value" done by a local realtor that both parties trusted.

During negotiations I also was able to get away with stating that the value of what was left behind was roughly equivalent to what was taken. Otherwise we would have gotten into the weeds pretty deep with appraising everything.

But yes - all of this needs to be sorted out in order to come up with the agreement on how things will get divided up.

Oh - and it's an incredibly common thing for the leaving spouse to presume that the LBS will stay right where they were left and do all the adulting for them. They have no concept that we will change or stop picking up after them.

[kml]

Consider carefully if you want to keep the house right now. I mean, if you can easily afford it, fine. Bur of not, consider the following scenario:

(Numbers just for the sake of demonstration)

House worth $300k (let's assume it's paid off for the sake of our example)

Scenario 1: You pay ex $150 k to buy him out

Market stays flat
You decide to move in a couple of years (for a job or new relationship or retirement)
You sell the house for $300k
You pay 6% closing costs, $2k in fixing the house up for sale, and get $282k from the sale of the house. You also have to pay capital gains on $32k of that money. So H got $150k from the house and you only get about $129 k.

Scenario 2:
Market falls and in a couple of years house is only worth $200k

You decide to move (for a job or new relationship or retirement)

You sell the house and pay the 6% seller's costs and $2,000 in repairs to get it ready to sell, so you realize $180k. So basically, your H got $150k from the house, and you only realized $30k from the house.

This is the danger of holding on to your house in a falling market if you are not SURE you can and want to stay in the house for many years.

Another worse scenario is if you hold onto the house but cannot afford it and end up losing it to foreclosure - then you paid H $150k and end up with nothing (hopefully that would not be an issue for you).

The question is - would you buy your house today for what it appraises for today? Does that fit into your post-divorce budget? Could you keep it even if he welches on alimony? Can you afford any major repairs that might come up (new sewer line, new roof, new furnace, things like that?) If the answer is no, then you may want to sell the house. If you could afford it at current appraisal without his help and do want to keep it longer term, then get the appraisal soon and buy him out before interest rates go higher.