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However the last time I spoke with him he told me "If I loved you as much as you loved me I would have not done this to you. So leaving you was the right thing to do."

When they tell you who they are, BELIEVE them.

Yes, people on the Dark Triad are capable of putting up a false front for YEARS. I'm reminded of my sister's first ex-husband. He had sociopaths in his family, but we thought he was the "good" one. (Subsequent events have proven us wrong, even long after his divorce from my sister). He would be all lovey-dovey with her as he headed out to his job as a police officer, then he would complain about my sister to his partner all the way on their drive into work.

This same exH used to pretend he was interested in all my sister's interests - like quilting! All an act. H cheated on my sister while she was in another state providing hospice care to his MOTHER for the last 2 months of her life as she was DYING OF CANCER. (a mother in law who was always awful to my sister, btw, but my sister is a saint). She had their 2 year old daughter in tow.

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Hello Stella

I’m glad the surgery went smoothly. It’s going to take a few more trips to maintain the lift less than ten pounds for four weeks. I was thinking how I’d have to do my grocery shopping with such a restriction. Stick with the advice so you heal well. 27 days to go. smile

Yes, working will help move your focus away from the current situation. Things will seep in once and a while, and even slam in at times. Yet, the frequency and duration of these occurrences will lessen and grow dim.

All the questions bouncing around in your head are all perfectly normal.

Originally Posted by Stella20
don't even know how to start processing this. Is it really all true?? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that question.

Have faith my dear, you will be amazed at what you will discover and answer about yourself and your situation. That particular answer… strangely, in time will not matter nearly as much as it currently feels. On your horizon are the questions you don’t yet realize. Ones you are still formulating. The answers to those are the truly important headings and direction of life. However, as you stated - how to start processing all this. And that starts with coming to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it really all true?? A good healthy approach, and perfectly normal.

Originally Posted by Stella20
It is all very hard for me to believe, I don't know...Dealing with the facts that I already have is hard enough..I just wish I could shut off my heart and mind to him...someday.. I miss the man I knew, when does that go away?

You mind is listening. A tip/advice: It is all very hard for me to believe accept.

Words hold an incredible power, often overlooked. Accuracy in thought and heart helps with clarity and healing, IMHO. smile

I’m not sure “it” ever goes away. The pain does get far far less than you are currently languishing within. In fact, it becomes kind of sweet. Pretty much pain-free, and a welcomed gentle breezy reminder of what once was. If you can imagine that.

My advice, as said often, keep your heart soft and squishy. Shutting off your heart and mind is not possible, and not really something that would serve you, nor something you’d truly desire. Therefore, turn your energies from wishing regarding H, to hoping and believing in you. Focus on you.

Dealing with the facts, and the feelings, of the situation is part of rationalizing things. The finding understanding part of the process. You are doing fine. You’ve been through the wringer, and are doing amazingly, from my vantage point.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't understand how he can completly ignore me, not care at all if I am dead or alive. Said he would shovel the rest of the winter..never happened... said he would drop off the forms for the pool opening.. never happened.. said he would stop by and talk... never happened, I don't think I even want him to stop by anymore, whats the point. He is lost, I do not see him getting through this, and if he does..what will be left then? He is not my H anymore, maybe he never really was and it was a 21 year act. I just don't think it was, I beleive he did love me.

Yep, it is incredible how they can switch it all off. My W, the mother of our four kids, the gal who shared 31 years together, did not care if I lived or died. Yes, it is amazing how these folks become completely lost, become the complete opposite of who we knew.

You have ample examples and evidence of “believe nothing they say and only half of what they do”. These lost souls have the attention span of a gnat. They really do not follow through with things. They just run off to the next shinny keep my focus off myself and my pain so I can make believe that everything is great; until they tire. If they ever do. Some do not. And others just tire, quit running, and live their horrible stuck lives they find themselves embroiled within. A rare few do awaken and do the inner work. All we can do, is let go and give them to God.

For what it’s worth, “I believe he did love me”, hang on to that. Believe that. You have memory of 21 years together, don’t let the present confusion destroy it. Accuracy in heart and thought. MLCers commonly rewrite their history, ensure you don’t do the same. And do not overly exaggerate it either.

These troubled and tormented folks have some truly questionable and horrible morals. I’ve found they exist for quite a time compartmentalizing their various characteristics. This keeps things mostly in check and unseen. Then along comes the pressures of midlife and it blows this compartmentalizing balancing right apart.

The seeds for crisis are sown long ago. Morals and values are taught and reinforced at a young age; H’s path was set long before he ever met you. Everyone experiences a midlife transition. For the hurt and emotionally stunted person, the ones with poor coping skills and immature emotions, a crisis consumes them. And everything about them blows apart.

An interesting tidbit. You are now the keeper of the memory of your marriage and life together. H, well the personality he currently is, has overwritten his memory and version of it. It really is astounding the fragility of the mind (as well as its strength).

It is equally astounding the fortitude of the heart, and conviction of the soul.

Originally Posted by Stella20
God, he is so lost.. I know I have to keep working on detaching. Today just hit me the one person I wanted to talk to about my new job was my old H, but he is dead, gone.. Posting all about his wonderful new life, partying like a rock star with no care in the world. I know I should block him, just haven't gotten there yet.. He just removed his married to me status too.

(((Hugs)))

You bet. There were so many things I so wanted to tell J too. I know and empathize where you are.

It took me months to finally block J on FB. Ha. Block me from her. Best to be accurate. Right? smile

It’s not H you’re blocking, it’s you. Detachment does happen. However, trips down memory lane, peaking on social media, etc. all prolong the withdrawal and lengthen the detachment process. And therefore lengthens the duration of pain.

That being said, we all need to come to it, to find our path, in our time. You will take your steps when you are ready. All I (we) are doing is showing a path. It’s up to you.

Let go, and become you.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Good Morning Stella

How did the work week go? Did they ramp up the training pace?

Spring weather is becoming more the typical day around here now. It’s most welcomed. We can certainly get ice storms and such into May, but I’m optimistically hopeful that spring has dug in and summer is on its way with no further detours. Ha, I’ve been walking about with no parka. Yay!

Hope you are doing well.

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Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi D,
Work is getting better, I am catching on a bit. So for now its a job, everyone I've met seems nice so that good. We'll see how it goes, but they understand it takes a few months for new people to know what they are doing..Insurance plan is good and not expensive.

Saw H today, he needed me to sign the tax papers and write out a check, between state and federal it was a wash, so that was good. He came to the house and got to see the fur babies. He kept telling me he would help with the pool if I needed him to, I really didn't give him a answer. I have not contacted him in a few weeks, but he keeps texting my during the week. I answer if it is something important, but I wait a half of day or longer to respond. Asked about my surgery and how my Dad was doing. He seemed normal, but we all know thats a mask.

He seemed to want to hang out and kept playing with the cats and walking around the house, looking at the back yard. He was only here for about 20 minutes. But I said to him, you must really miss the cats.. he said yeah I really do... and then I asked... do you miss your wife too.. He said yes, I already told you I miss everything.. then he gave me the tightest huge.. Then he said he had to get back to work so I walked him out.

I held it together and was my fake happy self. It was a weird interaction.. I know I should not have asked him that but oh well, sometimes my filter fails me...I still love the man he was, I know he is not that man anymore. I worry that when the D and the finacial impact to him hits, that he will go farther off the deep in. But it is what it is, I have to look out for me now, this was his choice, not mine.

Divorce is less than 2 months out now, June 6th, talked to my L last week. Instead of life insurance on H he is going to try to keep my name on his retirement accounts as the benefactor as H is living a very unhealth rockstar life right now.(So if he dies before the alimony is up that would be the back up)...Spending money like its going out of style Also L is going to push for Alimony until I am 65, due to my bad back and health issues caused from what H has/ is putting me through. But says he will not accept anything less than half the marriage And also his social securty.. I will not pay taxes on Alimony, confirmed that with the lawyer, H will have to cough up 50% of his gross,base and bonus check, but still pay taxes on all of it. He is not going to have much left to live on if my L can pull this off.

I have been doing pretty good at GAL, going out on the weekends. Everyone wants me to meet there single friends...I am not ready, I just can't.. yet.. I don't know if I will ever beable to let another man close to me. And it would not be fair to someone for me to even try with at this point.

Thanks for checking in with me D, I'm hanging in. Seeing H today made me miss him, but I'll be okay...I will always love the man I knew, I was happy in our marriage, but I that marriage is dead.

Stella

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Stella20,
Originally Posted by Stella20
Saw H today, he needed me to sign the tax papers and write out a check, between state and federal it was a wash, so that was good.
Not sure you needed to see him for this. Mail, lawyer, or tax attorney/accountant could've worked with you on it. Did you consult an expert on the tax breakdown to get the best deal (filing jointly vs. single)? I recall we discuss that in your thread awhile back.

Originally Posted by Stella20
He came to the house and got to see the fur babies.
Very sure he didn't have to come into your house.

Originally Posted by Stella20
He kept telling me he would help with the pool if I needed him to, I really didn't give him a answer.
Ok, but could you have given him a firm & direct "No thanks" rather than a vague wishy-washy non-answer?

Originally Posted by Stella20
I have not contacted him in a few weeks
Good!

Originally Posted by Stella20
but he keeps texting my during the week. I answer if it is something important, but I wait a half of day or longer to respond.
Good.

Originally Posted by Stella20
But I said to him, you must really miss the cats.. he said yeah I really do... and then I asked... do you miss your wife too.. He said yes, I already told you I miss everything.. then he gave me the tightest huge.. Then he said he had to get back to work so I walked him out.
Ummm..."do you miss your wife too"? This is clearly pressure / R talk, which is not recommended, but more importantly do you remember your 3/27 post? He's cheated on your multiple times throughout the entirety of your marriage??? Think of that when you need strength not to float these ideas.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I know I should not have asked him that but oh well, sometimes my filter fails me
You say you know, but...

Originally Posted by Stella20
...I still love the man he was, I know he is not that man anymore.
Not sure he ever was that man, based on your 3/27 post.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I worry that when the D and the finacial impact to him hits, that he will go farther off the deep in.
He should no longer be your concern. Don't waste another minute worrying about his future.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I have to look out for me now, this was his choice, not mine.
Absolutely correct. Now...can you do it?

Originally Posted by Stella20
Divorce is less than 2 months out now, June 6th, talked to my L last week. Instead of life insurance on H he is going to try to keep my name on his retirement accounts as the benefactor as H is living a very unhealth rockstar life right now.(So if he dies before the alimony is up that would be the back up)...Spending money like its going out of style Also L is going to push for Alimony until I am 65, due to my bad back and health issues caused from what H has/ is putting me through. But says he will not accept anything less than half the marriage And also his social securty.. I will not pay taxes on Alimony, confirmed that with the lawyer, H will have to cough up 50% of his gross,base and bonus check, but still pay taxes on all of it. He is not going to have much left to live on if my L can pull this off.
I don't know your financial details or jurisdiction's laws, but sounds like your L has given you the advice you need and your pushing for what you deserve under the law. Good. Don't settle for less than you're entitled to.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I have been doing pretty good at GAL, going out on the weekends. Everyone wants me to meet there single friends...I am not ready, I just can't.. yet.. I don't know if I will ever beable to let another man close to me. And it would not be fair to someone for me to even try with at this point.
Good on the GAL and going out. Even better on the recognition you're not ready. You don't have to decide now whether you'll ever date, but smart to wait while you're healing and working on yourself.

Originally Posted by Stella20
Seeing H today made me miss him, but I'll be okay...I will always love the man I knew, I was happy in our marriage, but I that marriage is dead.
You recognize seeing him hurt detachment. Next time don't do anything in person and deal over email or through Ls.

Hang in there, Stella20. You'll get through this.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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.I still love the man he was, I know he is not that man anymore.

According to what his friend told you, he never WAS that man.

Make sure you have a clear picture in your head of what he would have to do before you would even consider taking him back. It would be far too easy to take him back if he came apologizing and crying. But it would be a mistake unless he has done the hard work required.

A twelve step program for sex addiction and a year of private therapy for him would be a bare minimum.

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Originally Posted by Stella20
Divorce is less than 2 months out now, June 6th, talked to my L last week. Instead of life insurance on H he is going to try to keep my name on his retirement accounts as the benefactor as H is living a very unhealth rockstar life right now.(So if he dies before the alimony is up that would be the back up)...Spending money like its going out of style Also L is going to push for Alimony until I am 65, due to my bad back and health issues caused from what H has/ is putting me through. But says he will not accept anything less than half the marriage And also his social securty.. I will not pay taxes on Alimony, confirmed that with the lawyer, H will have to cough up 50% of his gross,base and bonus check, but still pay taxes on all of it. He is not going to have much left to live on if my L can pull this off.
It sounds like you have a smart lawyer who has your best interests in heart.

A side story. My ex brother-in-law had an "emotional affair" and was proceeding with the divorce very full of himself and cocky. He had a sudden change of heart though when he found out what the financial hit would be and they reconciled. At the time I thought of this as an indicator that even if someone had an affair that reconciliation was possible. I remember talking to him and his wife after though. She was constantly on edge and acting as "marriage police" watching his social media and every activity and he was acting like that kid in school detention who is just waiting for the bell to ring. Sad - so glad that my story never went that way.

He had no regrets about the affair, only regrets that he got caught and that he had to take a financial hit.

So - don't be too shocked if either this niceness or the anger ramps up as this comes to a legal conclusion. Nor if he flips between charm and rage in a moment.

You're doing great ((Stella))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Good Morning Stella

I’m glad to hear you are doing well at work. Health insurance, pleasant coworkers, very nice.

H’s visit is a somewhat temperature check. He use the guise of getting tax documents signed to get in and wander about; both the house and his old life. These troubled folks are running from and keep tabs on their old life. H is a jumble of emotions.

It’s interesting to consider why H wanted to visit. He could have meet you at a restaurant to get papers signs. I’d hazard he actually didn’t know what outcome he was looking for. He came looking for a fight, a hug, a cold shoulder, whatever. You can imagine his reaction if you had lashed out at him.

You did well. Kept it kind and cordial. That limited his arena. So he looked about, played with the cats, hugged you, and left. In the end, divorce is two months away. H knows this, and yes as it becomes more and more real the pressure is going to build upon him. As temp checks go, this was pretty minor and not too button pushing.

Your lawyer has a solid plan and you are listen to him. Very good. Keep this part all business.

Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't know if I will ever be able to let another man close to me. And it would not be fair to someone for me to even try with at this point.

The business side can be done rather quickly. The emotional healing takes longer. (((Hug)))

Maintain the delay in responding to communication from H. Embrace your work day. Enjoy your pool and backyard. Focus on you. And keep moving forward. You so got this.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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(Btw I wasn't suggesting you reconcile - the odds of real change on his part at this point are very slim. But by having a clear picture in your head of what REAL change would look like - living apart for at least a year, him in intensive therapy and a 12 step program for both his drinking and his sex addiction, complete transparency - you can recognize the inadequacy of any half-hearted attempts on his part to get back to his comfortable life.)

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Originally Posted by Stella20
I have been doing pretty good at GAL, going out on the weekends. Everyone wants me to meet there single friends...I am not ready, I just can't.. yet.. I don't know if I will ever be able to let another man close to me. And it would not be fair to someone for me to even try with at this point.


You aren't even divorced yet. I do not understand the people trying to set you up. WTH? Seriously. How about you having some time to grieve, heal, process? Give yourself that time. It can only strengthen both you and any future relationship when you are legally free and emotionally ready to have one.

Originally Posted by Stella20
Seeing H today made me miss him, but I'll be okay...I will always love the man I knew, I was happy in our marriage, but I that marriage is dead.

Stella

I get it. You miss him, the man you thought you knew. It's hard to reconcile what you've learned with what you thought you had. This is one of the most difficult things to deal with, in my opinion: the letting go of your reality and reconciling it with what was actually going on. He's given you the gift of time. Use it wisely.

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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