Stella, someday, maybe not today, but very, very soon, you are going to remember all of this and thank God above that you're out of it and safe. I promise you.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Oh Stella, I’m so sorry. There isn’t much I can add on top of all the good advice you have received above, but I am here to say I am so sorry you have to face this level of deception. Hugs to you.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I normally don't have trouble sleeping, but since my boyfriend died, I've been taking Olly Sleep gummies (melatonin, passionflower and l-theanine I think) about an hour before I want to go to sleep and have been able to get to sleep earlier. Target carries them.
Oh my gosh, Stella. I just got caught up. What a sickening revelation. As others have stated, you did nothing to cause this and you are right that x has many demons you likely will never understand. Regardless, it is so traumatic for you, who kind of has to essentially unpack and process all of that.
Agree with others, let the lawyers handle everything. A good attorney Is worth their weight in good especially when you’re dealing with someone a little unhinged. As I was told 100,000,000 times here from the kind folk on this board, this is a business deal gone south and has to be approached as such.
I hope the surgery recovery is easy quick.
I discovered my magic potion to sleep.... these cbd and melatonin drops that have been lifesavers. I’ve never done any drugs and cbd scared me at first so I found a kind that had zero THC. It definitely takes the edge off and gives such a restful sleep with no grogginess in the am.
Also the calm app has these cool bed time stories for adults... I’ve yet to hear a full one.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Adding another idea to help with the sleeping issues. My problem is my brain spins and dwells on everything. I struggle to turn it off. That is what keeps me up or prevents me from sleeping. I also have CBD gummies by Charlotte’s Web. They help, but I also often turn to a podcast called “Nothing Much Happens”. When you play it on your phone, you can set it to stop after the end of the episode using the sleep timer…at least on an iPhone you can.
What I love about this app is that it’s not just white noise which I find does not distract my mind enough. She tells a story instead. It’s the type of story where you have enough to concentrate on to stop intrusive thoughts, but not enough to really force your attention and keep you engaged. In her stories, nothing much happens. That’s the point. This app also led me to other apps, ones that they read stories (many well known ones) but they do it in way that is more soothing…it’s all in the voice and the way they read it…just lulls you to sleep as it’s very soft and monotone. Think of blah, blah, blah, but with words from a real story.
What you are going through is very stressful. And it will take a lot of time to work through the trauma of it. You can’t rush it. Just do your best to push through it. We will be here to encourage you when you feel at your worst and we will be here to celebrate all the moments you are able to rise above it. It’s a process. You are not alone.
Hang in there. Sending healing thoughts your way…and wishing you more rest and renewal.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
Thanks everyone, Surgery went well, I can not lift anything over 10 pounds for 4 weeks, not even my fur babies :((
I have been taking melatonin too and listening to healing meditations to fall asleep, helps but last night I was nervous for new job.
Started new job today, back to finish up at home.. Kind of a slow start, didn't learn much.. I am use to a much faster paced work environment... I guess more in depth training starts next week. Its one day in the office now and mid may 2 days in office. So thats nice, this will help to take my mind off of this.
I don't even know how to start processing this. Is it really all true?? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that question. It is all very hard for me to believe, I don't know...Dealing with the facts that I already have is hard enough..I just wish I could shut off my heart and mind to him...someday.. I miss the man I knew, when does that go away?
Went to hear a band on Saturday night with my girlfriend, it was fun, a distraction. For the record I still got it..lol Had a couple of guys hitting on me, nice ego bust.. But I am no way near intrested right now. I don't know if I ever will be. I feel so broken right now and can not offer anyone anything, when I still want my H back.. Why do I want him back?? For the love of God am I insane, but I can't deny it, I still love him, not this version, but you all know what I mean.
I don't understand how he can completly ignore me, not care at all if I am dead or alive. Said he would shovel the rest of the winter..never happened... said he would drop off the forms for the pool opening.. never happened.. said he would stop by and talk... never happened, I don't think I even want him to stop by anymore, whats the point. He is lost, I do not see him getting through this, and if he does..what will be left then? He is not my H anymore, maybe he never really was and it was a 21 year act. I just don't think it was, I beleive he did love me.
However the last time I spoke with him he told me "If I loved you as much as you loved me I would have not done this to you. So leaving you was the right thing to do." WTF...way to continue to justify in your head... God, he is so lost.. I know I have to keep working on detaching. Today just hit me the one person I wanted to talk to about my new job was my old H, but he is dead, gone.. Posting all about his wonderful new life, partying like a rock star with no care in the world. I know I should block him, just haven't gotten there yet.. He just removed his married to me status too.
