Hello everyone, So I have found our so much over the last few days. I am in shock, I can not wrap my mind around what H has been doing.. I will try to get it all out. One of our friends called me on Friday night, and told me he needed to get all of this off his chest. That him and H's other friends have been carring around his secrets for all these years and he could not continue with all of the lies, after seeing how much pain I have been in and how hard I was trying to fix my marriage... My M is not fixable and never will be.
H has been leading a double life for our entire marriage, and even before we got married. He has multipe addiction problems. He has been having sex with women, hookers, whatever and who ever he could..our entire marriage. He has had sex with women in our house, when he travels, wherever and when ever ....our entire life together. One big lie.
I am do not understand how he could have / is living with all of this. I will never understand how broken and disgusting he is. I am lucky to have my health in tack, after everything he has done. I pity him and feel bad for him. He is truly a broken person and has been his entire life. How does he look in the mirror, how could he look at me ever day for 21 years, knowing what a monster he really is?
So this is not just MLC, not sure if it is even that.. He is a addict.. to everything, women, sex, booze, gambling, possible drugs...... everything to the highest extreme. He looks like he has aged 10 years in the last 4 months. Even though I know the truth, he still will not admit to it.
I will never understand.. my whole life has been one big lie. Did he ever love me?? I don't see how he could..Why did he marry me, why did he pretend for all these years? Why didn't anyone come clean with all of this to me? HOw could I have been so blind????? OMG, I can not even explain this, I can not wrap my head around it.. I don't ever want to see him or talk to him ever again. He continues to blame me for everything and can not face the truth of what he really is..
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry H has such a dark past and protected secrets. Definitely all about him, and not you!
Something to consider, it is good that H’s friends finally came clean and told you. I suspect they kept buying his lies that this is the last time, that he would be better, blah, blah, whatever, and therefore kept quiet. Folks really don’t speak up, even when they should. However, as I said, consider that these people are H’s friends, not your’s. Your friends do not treat that way. Lie to you. Keep things from you. And such. Be cordial and kind towards them, and treat them accordingly.
Yes, this news will be quite a shock. And after the shock wears off - anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. (((Hug)))
Originally Posted by Stella20
I will never understand.. my whole life has been one big lie. Did he ever love me?? I don't see how he could..Why did he marry me, why did he pretend for all these years? Why didn't anyone come clean with all of this to me? HOw could I have been so blind????? OMG, I can not even explain this, I can not wrap my head around it.
In time you will find understanding and acceptance. This does not mean condoning or granting some free pass or such, just that you will find peace with this.
How could you be so blind? Because you weren’t looking for it. You trusted H. Trusted his vows, and your vows. Trusted the path the two of you were on. Stella, that is not a fault! In fact, that is an incredible trait and sign of character. People often project upon others how they are inside. A cheater thinks/believes everyone is out to cheat them. A thief cannot leave his wallet unattended because they feel/believe someone would steal it. You trusted and loved, because you are good inside.
Clearly H is a troubled soul. He has problems and pain that precedes you, as his longtime friends have confirmed. I would think, and even believe, that H honestly did want to love you, wanted to be better; and even did and was for a while. Perhaps slipping and falling over the years, and not wanting the double life he was living.
The problem with lies, and twisted made up realities - they snap back. Reality reaches out and smacks one. For a person believing and living such lies, the snapping back of reality can spring them into the weeds so far they never find their way out.
Mid life is a transition. From work to retirement. From parent to friend. One has more life behind them than ahead; and for a hurting person who has been running, lying, and such, coming face to face with their accomplishments - or really their lack of life accomplishments - breaks them.
We all need a certain level of understanding before we can let go. Your newest discovery is a doozy. You don’t need to wrap your head round all this in a day.
Originally Posted by Stella20
So H's mom called me over the weekend. Asked me to stop the D and to keep fighting for H. I told her that I can not stop the divorce. That I have to protect myself finacially and I can not trust him to do the right thing when it comes to my future. I told her that I will always love H, and I still want our marriage, but I can not fight a one sided battle. Told her that H has not said that he does not want a D and He is still living with OW and having a public affair and acting like he is just fine.
It would appear that H’s Mom is unaware too.
For what’s it’s worth, do not let this new information change who you are. “I will always love H, and I still want our marriage…”.
Both of these are ok.
I still want my marriage too. The one I had/have held in my mind and heart. Of course my marriage is dead; I accept that. And I let it go. Yet, I have my memories. My view of things, and that was real. The past is immutable. Find peace with it. You have your marriage, in your past and memory. Let go the future.
As for H (and for me, J). Love him. It’s ok. You can love him, and not like his actions. Love H, and let him go.
Peace comes from better not bitter. Love the person. Forgive the sin.
H is a hurt lost troubled soul. Loving him or hating him will have little affect upon his path; it will have huge affect upon your’s.
Keep your heart soft and squishy. Keep your trusting outlook. Keep healthy boundaries. Be you. Become you.
Keeping moving forward, and live in the light. For you are worth such.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
((Stella)) - So sorry you had to learn this. From other things you've written, it's not necessarily a huge surprise although I'm sure it's a shock.
I hope you can make some time and energy for some self care. Look at the woman in the mirror and know You are Worthy.
As far as he goes, it's let go or be dragged.
This is going to take some time for you to to digest.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sorry for the latest revelations. I'm sure it is shocking, and hurtful, and causing you to spin. If there is a silver lining, perhaps the truth coming out can help you better accept the outcome which is to come. Also, always remember your H's bad actions are a reflection of HIS character, and not yours.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Wow, hon, I’m so sorry the rose colored glasses had to be shattered so violently. Some thoughts for you:
It’s not your fault you were deceived by a sociopath. Not just an addict (yes, there are sex addicts) but a sociopath who was capable of lying to you day in day out throughout your marriage without empathy for the fact that you deserved better.
Don’t talk to your stbxh about this. Give this information to your lawyer. Let the lawyers do their jobs. If you haven’t done so already, make sure you have copies of all financial accounts. Review old credit card statements. Get a credit report. Tell your lawyer you want every penny you’re entitled to - lord knows what he spent on his “hobbies”. You don’t need to speak to him or see him again and I suggest you don’t.
As others have said, H’s friend who told you this is not really your friend. While it’s admirable that he finally came forward, it’s creepy that he knew this for years but kept the “bro code”. Keep your distance.
HE may have been an illusionist, but the love YOU gave in the marriage was real. Be proud of that.
Hi D,Andrew & BL Yes, my STBXH is a lost, damaged soul. This is so much to process, so I am all over the place. It is too much to even think about. I did tell his friend I do not want to hear anymore of the disgusting details.
I actually have alot of pity for H, he is battling demons that I can not even begin to understand. It is sad, and I think I was the only thing holding him to reality. He will/is spiraling out of control. I will not be part of it anymore. I can not. I will always love the man I remember, in the way I remember my M and him. H needs help, help that I can not give him nor at this point do I want to. He needs so much professional help, that he will most likely never get. I truly fear that this will not end well for him, how can a person hold so many demons inside before it crushes them mentally??? I fear for his life, the good hearted loving man that I knew will crush under the weight of all of this if he ever accepts what he has really been doing all these years.
I think H will be lost forever, he will never face the truth of his life and choices. He is a addict. He is lost to me and reality.....
No, his mother does not know any of this, I will not tell her any of it. That is her son, she only has him and him her. He would deny it anyway, and it would serve no purpose. Our M is over, any chance of R is over. This is way way too much for me to process... 21 years of lies and cheating and lord knows what else.
Everything H has said know makes sense to me..."you will never beable to forgive me"... because I did not know the depth of his deception, a life time of it. I think he loved me in the only way he could, but not the way one should love, cherish, protect and honor a wife. No one in the world deserves to hear the things that I have heard.
I was grateful for this friend to finally come clean to me. He told me he could not live with himself if I gave H another chance at our M. Not after what he has seen over the years, after seeing how hurt I am, and how I was willing to forgive H and work it out. H will never never never admit to any of it. He will continue on this path of destruction to his dieing breath. He will take his secrets to the grave...He will continue to drink more and more to cover the pain of who he really is.. It is really sad, my heart breaks for him. I would have walked through hell with him, but now... at this point in time... I have to fix me.. H is on his own...
There is no reason, going forward for me to see him or talk to him. I know that this has nothing to do with me or the person I am. I am a sweet, loving, caring women.. I have a big heart and I love big. This will scar me for the rest of my life.. not sure how it can't.. Thanks D, I am a good person, I will not change who I am because of what he is.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Just day by day for now... But H will not be part of my life, that I am sure of now. So yes, in a way this is good for me, it has slapped me in the face that I am doing the right thing by moving forward with divorce. I was on the fence about the whole thing and really believed that we could R..but I do not feel that way anymore...
I got my name off of the credit cards today and Tuesday I am going to get my own phone plain and figure out the cable.. those are the last 2 things I need to do now. H sent some make shift spreadsheet for what he owes me and already transfered money to my account.. I sent it to my L did not even respond. His calculations make no sense....so the L's can handle that..
Thank you all for being here for me through this. I will continue to post any updates, but the D will happen. I am ok with it now, that is the only choice
honey I'm so sorry to read this. Call your dr first thing tomorrow Stella. Get an appointment. Tell your dr everything so you can get whatever tests they think are appropriate. This is your health and that's the first step IMHO.
Second: alanon. Seriously. It will help you so much - to understand addiction, to understand that this isn't your fault, that he can love you and still behave so reprehensibly. For your psyche, for your spirit for your sweet and tender heart. Please. give it a real shot.
Third: Protect yourself financially. Seems like you're doing so. Keep that up.
This sux. No way around it. You are not alone. Keep posting. We are all here for you. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I’m so sorry Stella. You must be in absolute shock. It must make you feel like your entire marriage has been a scam.
Know this - someone with that level of addiction can not be fixed. Not by you, not by a psychologist, not by anyone. The hardest reality here is that he will be like this for the rest of his life. Any apparent improvement or commitment to change his life is a lie.
You need to start or increase IC. It will take a lot of professional help and time for you to heal from this trauma. At the moment you’re in shock, so it will get worse before it gets better.
We are all here for you.
Oh, and go and see your regular doctor. You need to prioritise screening for STDs.
Everything H has said now makes sense to me..."you will never be able to forgive me"...
Of course that is him. H cannot forgive himself. And he therefore projects it upon you as well.
You are free and able to do as you please. You can do the inner work and find peace and forgiveness. H cannot tell you what you will never be able to do.
Just making that clear. Words have a way of being heard by our minds. And our mind turns words and thoughts into reality. Be accurate when listening, realizing where and who it is coming from. Be accurate when you are speaking to others; and most importantly while speaking to yourself.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I know that this has nothing to do with me or the person I am. I am a sweet, loving, caring women.. I have a big heart and I love big. This will scar me for the rest of my life.. not sure how it can't.. Thanks D, I am a good person, I will not change who I am because of what he is.
Good for you!
Make your changes for you.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't know what the future holds for me. Just day by day for now...
That’s good. No need to make major life decisions right now. And you are not really in a good place for those kind of life altering choices at the moment. Day by day is fine.
Discover your beliefs. Strengthen those values that serve you. Craft convictions you aspire to. And discard or alter beliefs that do not serve you. Organize that. Discover that. Living your beliefs brings peace.
No small task. In truth, that kind of never ends. Life’s journey I suppose. Of course, life is about the journey not the destination. The present moment. How we walk the path.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I got my name off of the credit cards today and Tuesday I am going to get my own phone plain and figure out the cable.. those are the last 2 things I need to do now. H sent some make shift spreadsheet for what he owes me and already transfered money to my account.. I sent it to my L did not even respond. His calculations make no sense....so the L's can handle that..
Good job.
Yes, letting the lawyer handle it. Nicely done.
You are doing very well walking the business side of things as well as the emotional side of things.
Hoping you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
In truth, that kind of never ends. Life’s journey I suppose. Of course, life is about the journey not the destination. The present moment. How we walk the path.