I think it’s necessary to distinguish between infatuation and love. Are we likely, knowing what we know now, to experience the thrill of infatuation the way we did in our twenties? I’d say no - and we shouldn’t. We should be smarter than to fall for that, because that’s not what true love is about. True love is about building that intimate relationship and caring for each other over time.
I think it’s necessary to distinguish between infatuation and love. Are we likely, knowing what we know now, to experience the thrill of infatuation the way we did in our twenties? I’d say no - and we shouldn’t.
I've written a few responses here and then not posted them because TBH, I'm not clear myself on what I want to say / explore.
Part of it I think is my age. Biology and society is done with me for all practical purposes.
I'll never father another child in part thanks to a simple procedure performed even before my youngest was born. There's no-one dependent on me other than my cat. So those urges that I had in my 20s to have a "family" aren't there. I have a family. It's just one person short of what I thought it would be. Adding another person won't add them to that family - which was one of the several points of conflict between "S" and I. "B" had what I still think was the right idea. There was her family, my family and "us". Three distinct entities.
Yes, I have things to contribute to society still, but nothing really critical. Others can and do support good causes, contribute to their communities.
So what I'm "missing" is perhaps in part something that I don't need. Someone to be the Yan to my Ying making the whole greater than the parts. I am complete in myself. Something that required a fair bit of rebuilding and renewal to get to and then a solid re-evaluation which I'm still going through after the first iteration didn't work out in ways that I never could have foreseen.
It is perhaps akin to the "empty nest" syndrome.
In trying to think of words to describe though how in part I feel the phrase "my cup runneth over" comes to mind which slightly to my surprise comes from Psalm 23 which is perhaps one of the most familiar Psalms going but I hadn't realized that it was in there. I pulled out my old yellowed Bible and re-read it there
Originally Posted by Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul : he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil : for thou art with my : thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies : though anointest my head with oil : my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life : and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever
Quite a bit that could be parsed from those 6 classic lines despite my non-religious bent. That one phrase is buried more or less innocently in the middle but is fairly clear. As one of my best friends will often say - God has been very kind.
Originally Posted by kml
As for dating - maybe before you jump back into the pool, you should draft up a set of rules or guidelines for yourself
I think before the "who" question can be addressed, the "why" needs to be first. Then perhaps the "how" before I would get to the "who". Still chewing on all of this.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My elation and joy of my memories is a brand new feeling each and every time. It’s not me reliving some dusty faded feeling. I find that to be true, and rather up lifting. The realization that I’m alive inside.
Last night, I was remembering my D at 5yrs old on Halloween just before we got divorced, wearing the butterfly fairy costume I made at her request, taking her trick or treating with her best friend and our au pair. My feelings have always been very positive about that moment, but you're right, each year I revisit the memory it feels slightly different.
Andrew - I think the "why" is pretty simple - companionship. It's darn nice to have someone to wander those antique shops with, discuss that book you just read, share a meal with, discuss decisions with. The question really is, can you get enough of that from a dating relationship that doesn't involve living together, or do you really prefer someone living in your house? And it seems to me that decision is one that could be postponed to later.
I think you just have some dating PTSD and it's a bit intimidating to put your toes back in the water.
As for dating - maybe before you jump back into the pool, you should draft up a set of rules or guidelines for yourself
I think before the "who" question can be addressed, the "why" needs to be first. Then perhaps the "how" before I would get to the "who". Still chewing on all of this.
Why date: 1. companionship 2. eventual partnership (which is important to you, I think) 3. living together apart?
How to date: I started a list of how to meet people but then deleted it. I think the correct answer is: * to date slowly - no codependent BS * to hold firm boundaries on what is comfortable * to not allow yourself to be pushed beyond your comfort zone in terms of accelerated false intimacy * to limit the time you spend together on the front end so that you're not enmeshed * to maintain your own outside interests in addition to common interests * to go out with someone YOUR interested in who also happens to be interested in you too (not the other way around, "she likes me so I'll give it a shot")
some thoughts, anyway.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
As for dating - maybe before you jump back into the pool, you should draft up a set of rules or guidelines for yourself
I think before the "who" question can be addressed, the "why" needs to be first. Then perhaps the "how" before I would get to the "who". Still chewing on all of this.
Why date: 1. companionship 2. eventual partnership (which is important to you, I think) 3. living together apart?
How to date: I started a list of how to meet people but then deleted it. I think the correct answer is: * to date slowly - no codependent BS * to hold firm boundaries on what is comfortable * to not allow yourself to be pushed beyond your comfort zone in terms of accelerated false intimacy * to limit the time you spend together on the front end so that you're not enmeshed * to maintain your own outside interests in addition to common interests * to go out with someone YOUR interested in who also happens to be interested in you too (not the other way around, "she likes me so I'll give it a shot")
some thoughts, anyway.
That’s a great list and instructional BTfly!
I think the last thing is really important for Andrew. Andrew , you always tired to make a square peg fit into a round hole because women expressed interest on you . You never went for a woman that you were interested in and then found out they were interested in you. You tried to be who they wanted you to be. I know you felt that any 2 people could work together as long as they were “kind” but it takes a whole lot more than that for 2 people to be in a partnership .
And when you are ready, DATE that person. For a long time. Don’t move them in, don’t marry them them, just date. Just get to know eachother. Stroll the flea markets. Eat pie together. Go out for nice meals. Go walking and strolling and discover new places.
You're not YOUR. sorry. TY for the kind words SuperG ... I will add something, and this is just my thing, but I'm putting it out here in case it resonates with others:
I'm working hard to identify all the roadblocks I put between myself and a possible romantic relationship. There are quite a few more than I initially thought. The benefit of all this circumspection is that one of the realizations I've come to is that I am really uncomfortable with people pleasers. Like, that's a deal breaker for me. How can I trust you if you're always trying to tell me what you think I want to hear? Or you're not telling me if you're upset about something, because you don't want to risk a difficult conversation? Gotta tell ya, that makes me not trust the people pleaser, and I'll go one step further: I don't feel safe with people pleasers. It's not safe, because it's not being authentic, and if they're not being authentic how can I ever feel safe, trust that there isn't something that's going to blindside me down the road? Been blindsided once, not open for it a second time, gotta say.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I don't feel safe with people pleasers. It's not safe, because it's not being authentic, and if they're not being authentic how can I ever feel safe, trust that there isn't something that's going to blindside me down the road? Been blindsided once, not open for it a second time, gotta say.
An excellent point bttrfly. A friend of mine who was a huge help for me in some very dark times once counseled me to make sure I liked the things any potential partner might like. A technique called mirroring. It can be very successful.
This friend I hold dear but would never enter into a business relationship with and certainly would not suggest anyone date. He is charming to most, an excellent dancer and would I think move mountains for someone he was loyal to. We get along I think because we have both helped each other in meaningful ways in troubling times. Surprisingly he is much more naive than I in matters of business and contract law.
Interestingly to me and perhaps us is the fact that one of the things my neighbor "P" likes about me is that even though we disagree on some fundamental issues we respect the fact that we have different points of view. Now she is someone who I absolutely would not date, mainly for those reasons. I also enjoyed my recent dinner with my friend "C" who I also disagreed with on some minor things but felt comfortable on that which was very pleasant I think for us both. For example, she ordered an appetizer that I was willing to try and really didn't like although she did. I remarked that it wasn't to my taste
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Anyhoodles, she ate the rest and we kept chatting. If I had been mirroring I would have pretended to enjoy what she was so obviously enjoying. Steamed unripe soybeans just don't cut it for me I was glad she was enjoying them and had nothing bad to say about them. Just that they weren't to my taste.
It was comfortable and she didn't care, nor did I.
My favorite author Terry Pratchett once wrote in a humorous piece about the other side of ADD. He called it ASS. Attention Surplus Syndrome. I've encountered that. Where the most banal things I mention are hugely fascinating to the other party. Always a woman.
We perhaps need to make sure to avoid those we may encounter who are gifted with ASS
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You're not YOUR. sorry. TY for the kind words SuperG ... I will add something, and this is just my thing, but I'm putting it out here in case it resonates with others:
I'm working hard to identify all the roadblocks I put between myself and a possible romantic relationship. There are quite a few more than I initially thought. The benefit of all this circumspection is that one of the realizations I've come to is that I am really uncomfortable with people pleasers. Like, that's a deal breaker for me. How can I trust you if you're always trying to tell me what you think I want to hear? Or you're not telling me if you're upset about something, because you don't want to risk a difficult conversation? Gotta tell ya, that makes me not trust the people pleaser, and I'll go one step further: I don't feel safe with people pleasers. It's not safe, because it's not being authentic, and if they're not being authentic how can I ever feel safe, trust that there isn't something that's going to blindside me down the road? Been blindsided once, not open for it a second time, gotta say.
You are just knocking it out of the park! This is exactly what I’ve been trying to express. People pleasers feel untruthful to me. It’s hard to trust them And I was one for a long time. I understand what guys must have meant by “something is missing”
I was glad she was enjoying them and had nothing bad to say about them. Just that they weren't to my taste.