They ruin your life and you don't have another choice than to go through it and rebuilt it on your own, and then you realize that your new life is actually quite good, maybe even better than it was before BD.
THIS!!!!!! If you can move through the crucible in a positive way, you come out much stronger in the end. In my case, it made me pretty fearless too. After all, the worst had already happened - the loss of my 24 year marriage - and compared to that, what were little things like a breakup with a boyfriend or performing music onstage or whatever. My life is good now, despite the ups and downs in my dating life, despite the death of CMM. My kids are close with me, my finances are in order, I like the house I bought after my divorce, I have good friends. Nothing to complain about!
Here's the need to write down everything from the last month. After all, it is here that my full story has already been written down, along with all the feelings I have experienced these past years.
First of all, everything is going well, I feel that I still have everything on track and lead a normal and happy life again, only now without EXH, which I have fully accepted by the way.
The Cognitive behavioral therapy is also going better than I could have ever hoped for. A lot comes up, things that I absolutely did not know about myself and that I’m fully working through, this with the help of an incredibly good therapist. I can only say that this is very enriching.
The children are also doing very well. They have completely settled into their new life (and our new home) and the bond with their father is gently restoring in a positive direction. They helped him move into his new home this week that he bought. They still live with me full time, they now see him about once a week for a few hours, but they definitely don't want to sleep there yet. I respect this, so does he, and don't even ask about it.
The course I am taking is very intense and time consuming but really interesting. It makes me feel valuable to be able to do this.
The relationship with G (that's what I can call him again today) continues to be positive. We have very regular contact in a friendly way. Which helps is that the affair with OW2 has ended since the end of August, and I have the impression that he is moving positively towards acceptance again (see all the obvious signs described below), although he still has his relapses but these are very rare. His new job also does wonders, he genuinely likes it and that translates into a more positive attitude in all areas. He even asked me to look at his new house yesterday, as well as for an aperitif with our 2 best friends. However, I only stayed a very short time, partly because I had a date planned that same evening. He asked my opinion on where to put everything etc and the interaction was very nice.
I have also taken steps on a relational personal level. I went on a date for the first time last week, friendly man but it turned out that it's not immediately my thing, yesterday I had a new date. Was pleasant but I do notice that I am very selective, which maybe is not bad. The most important thing here for me is that I'm having fun. I don't want a man in my house tomorrow, I'm definitely not ready for that because I really enjoy my freedom as a single now, I just want to have fun, get to know people, and who knows, maybe something more in the future.
G also recently asked via message if I had met anyone. I've just been honest. That I'm open to it but for the time being I don't have anyone serious because I don't want to give up my freedom now.
Yesterday, after my visit to his house, he had also sent a message. That he really appreciated my opinion and that he was happy to see me again and that I looked really good. Weird to get something like that from him, haven't heard this from him in such a long time.
However, sometimes I still have the question, what if something would grow again between G and I? Would I still allow this? The weird thing is I don't have an answer to that…sometimes I think, no, so much has happened, he hasn't been a beautiful person in many ways, certainly not the last few years with his MLC, but he wasn't the easiest before either. Now I lead a life where I decide 100% myself where I go, what I do, and I really love that. On the other hand I think, ok, but being alone is only alone, I sometimes miss sharing things and moments with someone I love, and with a new person it won't always be all sunshine neither…and I still have a familiar and pleasant feeling towardd G when we interact with each other.
I am convinced that I have let him go completely, but this is still a question mark. Is this because deep down I still love him and the familiarity we had with each other in my eyes is the easier way or do I really not want him anymore but I maybe that I hope that one day he realizes what he has thrown away, that he also feels a little bit how much he has hurt everybody around him.
Let this be the only question marks I have today, so I can't complain at all, hey, that was once different. LOL
Now at the airport as I will be traveling alone for a few days. A little ME-time. Looking forward to it.
Have A Nice Day.
Eaglexxx
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
It’s wonderful to see you and the kids settled in to your new life and home. Everything on track and leading a normal happy life. Good for you. That’s no small feat.
Glad you are finding the course rewarding. Nothing like some intense study to get the synapses all firing up.
Interesting G/XH’s path. G is surfaced and seems to have regained control; again moving towards acceptance. More and more trauma(s) he figures out, and more positive movement he makes. It’s good to see him working on his relationship with his kids too.
Congrats on the date. And do be selective. You are worth it!
I completely understand the enjoying being single. No need to rush to change that. You’ll know when/if it’s right.
Questioning if something could grow between you and G again, is perfectly normal. And not having an answer to if you would even allow it, is also perfectly normal. Yes, you have let go. Let time and his consistent demonstrated behaviour provide clarity and an answer of if you would like to reach out again. For now, perhaps, just place G in the pool of guys you might date; and see what happens.
The stereotypical canon of the MLC path has the MLCer having all the power at first. Bomb drop is exercising that power. They run off to their new shinny wonderful life, feeling all powerful and in complete control.
Slowly, years later, that power shifts. The LBS heals and becomes in a position of power and control.
For those fortunate few MLCers that find their way through their fog and torment, they find themselves having done monstrous things and their power gone. For those with the courage to face their poorly treated spouse they wonder and fear and hope. Will they face vengeance, anger, hatred, reprisal, love, indifference, forgiveness, etc. The power has shifted.
We are far from when we would have crawled across broken glass to win our spouse back. Plenty of time has passed since those days.
Enjoy your trip and me-time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Eagle. I enjoyed reading your update. What struck me the most about your ex is that he surfaces just when you've truly moved on. How many times have we read that? It's hard to know if this is a touch and go or a real wake up call for him to change his life.
The best part of all of this is that you remain unaffected by whatever he's going through. For those left behind the key to survival and then thriving is true detachment.
I'm proud of you and very happy that you're taking time for yourself.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you D and B, for always giving me the support I need.
What you write above is indeed completely true, this has been proven again in the last few days.
As I said, I was away for a week, completely on my own, to the northern part of Italy, and I must confess that this was the trip of my life. On a personal level, this was very enriching and also the first time I've done something just for myself. I am very proud of that.
And then one comes back home…
After returning from the trip this weekend, G/XH wanted to speak to me at his home… How do I start… So the R with OW2 is over...the reason for this is quite a shock... The R apparantly was also very difficult. Fights on a regular basis, they broke up several times these past 2 years. But... turns out she is pregnant, 44 years old and pregnant of his child… He didn't want the child, she decided on her own to keep it. She wants to stay in her country of origin and raise the child there, he didn't want this. Now they have no contact anymore with each other. The only person who knows this is his father, and now me.
Sorry for my language, but can this whole sh*tstory become any worse???
He also said that he destroyed everything. That he doesn’t dare to admit that I am the love of his life, that his ego has the upper hand in this, especially towards the outside world. That he has been living in a fog for the past 4 years, a fog that is now slowly clearing. He said that I'm probably right, that he's in a midlife crisis, that he wanted to try a completely different life but it turned the other way around.
He doesn't know what to do. He does not want this child, but also does not know what will happen once it is born. (planned for February) He also wants to tell the truth to our children, I told him not to do this yet, that he must first know which direction this will all go before saying anything to them. This will be very hurtful to them, I'm sure. He is afraid she will contact me or the kids via social media. (she can find us through there of course) He doesn't think so, but isn't quite sure. That's why he wants to be ahead of her.
Surprisingly, I have remained very calm under all this. He constantly wanted to lay in my arms, he needed security, I gave him this. I don't know why, but it just felt right at the time, as weird as that sounds. We sat on the couch for a few hours, the man is completely broken.
The bottom line is that he really only has me to talk about this. It doesn't work with his father as he doesn’t want to hear anything about it.
Are there any stories on the forum in the past where this happened as well?
All advice is welcome.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
well, my first thought is she can be blocked on social media and I recommend you do so. this is not your circus and most definitely not your monkeys ...
if you can figure out a way to have the kids block her also, that might be a good idea? only you will know for sure about that though.
consequences = a b*tch in heels.
I sometimes think we get these beautiful experiences, i.e. your Italian trip, to help brace us for the next wave ... just remember, you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you sure as heck can't control it. I'm drawing a blank on whether this is something which has happened here before. I would just stay on your own course and hold exh in fierce compassion - which, as a reminder, means you feel compassion for him, but hold firm boundaries and let him face his consequences. xoxo hope this helps. I'd love to hear more about the Italy trip.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
He constantly wanted to lay in my arms, he needed security, I gave him this. I don't know why, but it just felt right at the time, as weird as that sounds. We sat on the couch for a few hours, the man is completely broken.
Your story reminds me of the movie Forrest Gump. Your Exh is like Ginny who was also broken. Whenever anything got to deep for her she would run to Forrest for the support and ego boost. Once she got it and felt better she was gone and Forrest was left there wondering what happened.
Forrest had unconditional love for Ginny but I bet it wasn't easy for him. Forrest thought she was worth it so I guess your are going to have to figure out if your exh is worth the ins and outs and ups and downs.
Are there any stories on the forum in the past where this happened as well?
All advice is welcome.
I don't recall anything as individual as yours, but yes, there are stories here about "after rock bottom" and the eventual slow climb out .
There are stories about the 'sane' side of MLC, and the affects that they have had, and the collateral damage that has to be worked through.
AmyC, Spirit/Mirage, MrCAS to name a a couple. There are some older ones that maybe Job remembers also. Possibly, because I can't remember exactly, RCR, Myfavoriteweirdo...???
There are some threads here from posters who's MLCer has come home, and the piecing efforts during that time...
BrandNewDay, Yellowrose, Jack3Beans to name a couple....
I have had conversations with several MLCer's about their time in the tunnel. The "Fog" seems to be the most mentioned part of it. The knowing that they are causing the damage, yet have felt compelled, and felt as though they had no choice but to try to find the ever-elusive happiness.
The most astounding one was a friend that told me that she had a baby, and when she woke, he was 4 years old....
I have another friend that is newly re-married to his former MLCer, and has had some similar conversations in the past 2 years.
I guess it best to ask...
What is the ending that you seek from this ???
What do you find yourself wanting to work toward ???
What is it that you want ???
If it is reconciliation....
What does that look like for you ???
How will you know when you get there ???
What steps and boundaries would you need in place if that were to happen ???
Would you be willing to accept a child of his, that isn't yours ???
It's funny, when we get here, we are told that the outcome of this ultimately lies with the LBS....
Which is where you are heading.
Just remember that nothing has changed just yet.
Keep doing and being you for now....
When the wayward returns....
They will pursue.......HARD.....
So maybe know those answers ^^^, if that were to happen....
It is great to hear that your trip was so wonderful. I bet the one week went by pretty quickly. Was this your first big trip solo?
And then home…
And like has been stated, not your circus not your monkeys. You now know more of XH’s situation is all.
G and OW2 have been fighting and are now broke up (maybe for good this time). Lies and deceit flow and shift like sand. And sand is a terrible foundation to build upon. Any relationship built upon such will take much energies to keep it propped up.
OW2 pregnant is quite a shock. It certainly happens, with MLCers running from responsibilities and living more risky lives. Many seek thrills and spontaneity. And some end up with more responsibility than they ever suspected.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Sorry for my language, but can this whole sh*tstory become any worse???
One of my many favourite quotes is nothing is so bad that is cannot get worse. At first read that sounds rather doom and gloom. It actually isn’t though when one thinks about it.
Also, if something can get worse, it can get better too.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Are there any stories on the forum in the past where this happened as well?
I cannot recall any particular poster here on this forum. I do recall another site where a women’s H got his AP pregnant. The W and H actually reconciled. In that case, the AP did not run off, and was somewhat in their lives, since his child was. The W found peace with things. The child was, and is not to blame, an innocent soul. She accepted the child. Pretty amazing.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He constantly wanted to lay in my arms, he needed security, I gave him this. I don't know why, but it just felt right at the time, as weird as that sounds. We sat on the couch for a few hours, the man is completely broken.
By far, most people need to hit rock bottom before they will change. Broken and hurt, then they rebuild.
As was asked by others, what is your desire or want? Do you seek to reconcile? Or see the possibility of reconciliation?
You’ve not permanently slammed the door on XH. It’s open a crack. Some folks close the door and nail it shut. I figure you are open to seeing what possibilities exist, and then going from there.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He also said that he destroyed everything. That he doesn’t dare to admit that I am the love of his life, that his ego has the upper hand in this, especially towards the outside world. That he has been living in a fog for the past 4 years, a fog that is now slowly clearing. He said that I'm probably right, that he's in a midlife crisis, that he wanted to try a completely different life but it turned the other way around.
That quite an admission from him.
A baby 3 months away is a lot of pressure, and G is not running.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
He also wants to tell the truth to our children, I told him not to do this yet, that he must first know which direction this will all go before saying anything to them. This will be very hurtful to them, I'm sure. He is afraid she will contact me or the kids via social media. (she can find us through there of course) He doesn't think so, but isn't quite sure. That's why he wants to be ahead of her.
I think informing the kids would be a good thing. I do understand your concerns regarding when to tell them. Getting ahead of her and any surprises will be beneficial.
As we discussed, the power has shifted to you. What manner of relationship you and G have is going to be up to you. Some thoughts:
Figure out what you want. If you are willing to explore anything with G. Date him if so inclined.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are living a great life, let G catch up.
Remain your compassionate self.
Realize G has to purge OW2 from himself. I always envision a 12 month rule for the healed MLCer having no contact with their AP before any living together again, and the clocks resets if there is any contact or reaching out to AP. Obviously that won’t work if G is involved in the child’s life. Still, some metric or tangible evidence of consistent demonstrated behaviour is required.
MLCers do not awaken with a sudden and grand vision. Awakening is a whisper of doubt within them. G has heard that for a while and seems to be taking it to heart.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Wow, what a homecoming. Between you and job some unexpected news posted here recently. Not sure what advice to give in dealing with ExH...but definitely wishing you the best.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
