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Hi Eagle,

I’m glad you are doing well! I hear you on the uneasiness and the interest in him. I imagine that I will be feeling similarly about my STBXH when I get to where you are. I am not sure that I could ever be at a stage where hearing about them will have no effect at all (like LH says). I’m not sure it’s easily explained in words why. And is that such a bad thing…something you are supposed to strive for? I don’t think it has to be. At least as long as it’s not something that is holding you back in any way.

Did you buy the beautiful new home you mentioned? Or are you saying you found one to make an offer on? Either way, it sounds like a perfect place for you and the kids. I’m so happy for you!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
AP for at least 6 mos prior and still ongoing...



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i dunno. I read what LH posted. I've heard that it takes 1/2 the time again for one to move on, so for a 20 year relationship, 10 years to get over it.

My own belief is that it's as individual as each relationship. I know for me, I couldn't look at my exh. I literally could not look at him. Made taking photos at son's graduation and confirmation difficult, to say the least.

I can see photos of him now without flinching or looking away. I don't care to know about the details of his life. He's due to pop in with a text message soon, because son isn't responding to him. When that happens, after about two months of it he will reach out to me via text to ask how our son is. I usually respond he's fine I will ask him to contact you.

It'll be easier now that you're in a new space and have some distance. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Good Morning Eagle

Wonderful news finding a house. And yes, location is so important. Glad it fits into your budget well and allows trips and life’s pleasures.

I’m happy the kids are doing well. Pretty understandable them cutting off communication with Dad for a while. Sounds like they are all speaking about their feelings and such with IC, girlfriend, and you - and that is very good indeed.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I wonder how long it will take that I still have this interest in him.
Ideally, I'd like to stop getting these negative feelings (that nervousness, that uneasiness) when I hear about him, that I can just hear it but that I simply can let it go over me.

Is this ever going to come?

There are various ideas and guidelines regarding timelines. I’ve heard 1 year for every 4-6 years of relationship. I’ve also read that for serious long term marriage one never completely “gets over it”. However, as LH stated, you don’t sit around pinning for them.

I find I don’t worry about what (or who) J is doing anymore. I used to have those sad and a bit of the angry feelings when I heard the stories of how well she was doing. Coming up on 5 years and much has changed - with me. Of course, my situation is completely no contact. J is a vanisher. Her and I haven’t spoke since our few sentences at daughter’s graduation two years ago. Such a thing does modify the ratio of 1 to 4 methinks.

My son’s upcoming wedding will place J and I face to face for a day. I’ll get to test a few theories and will undoubtedly learn some more. I’m actually looking forward to it. Looking forward to seeing what, if anything, gets stirred up from within me.

So, I guess, yes it does arrive. The negative feelings do cease. My goodness, I remember how they were a non ending scream, then became a dull roar, then a voice once and a while, then a whisper, and now pretty much absent. BTW, that silence of our feelings takes some getting used to as well.

My latest news regarding J/XW I didn’t even report here. The wedding dress shopping day with all the girls. I heard about it, and that was that.

My kids have all found an equilibrium between Mom and themselves. The kids are doing fine, are happy and healthy. They have boundaries. They understand. They forgive. They are living good lives. And for the most part, I think their relationships with their Mom is somewhat repairing. She is after all their Mom, so a good thing.

Anyhow, it’s a journey. Hard to give a timeline to such a nebulous path. One day we just realize where we are and how far we have come. And you my dear have come a very far, and walked it so well.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Originally Posted by LH19
I read once that it takes about 1 year for every 4 years you were together with someone to be completely over them. Based on your signature it will take about 5 years. Doesn't mean you will sit and pine for them it just means that in 5 years and you can hear anything about them and it won't effect you at all.

Good to know LH. Thanks for this. Hope this counts from BD and not from date of D. LOL
This would mean within 2 years I will be free in full. whistle

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I am not sure that I could ever be at a stage where hearing about them will have no effect at all (like LH says). I’m not sure it’s easily explained in words why. And is that such a bad thing…something you are supposed to strive for? I don’t think it has to be. At least as long as it’s not something that is holding you back in any way.El

Hi EL, TBH, yes, I really want to get to a point where it doesn’t affect me, nor the wanting to know what is going on with him. I want to get rid of the nervous, anxious feelings. I’ve never had this in my entire life, only the past years, although much less now, but still I really hate it. I won’t say it’s holding me back but it’s not a nice feeling to have. I don’t want him to have this power over me anymore. He doesn’t deserve it.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
Did you buy the beautiful new home you mentioned? Or are you saying you found one to make an offer on? Either way, it sounds like a perfect place for you and the kids. I’m so happy for you!El

I did buy the place! Moving in the end of July!

Bttrfly and DnJ, thanks for your input. Seems there is indeed hope that this too will pass which is good to know.

Just had to send a message to EXH.
We still had 2 joint Mastercards linked to our common account. I, from my side had blocked them, I asked him to do the same, he didn’t. He has started using these again. Result, I see all his spendings on OW2 (hotels they are staying at, restaurants, pubs, etc.)
Asked him politely to put them on his name and link them to his own account, this way I can’t see this anymore. Better not to know. Anyway, hope he does this immediately.


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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The last few days EXH is unfortunately more present in my mind.

Seeing the spendings that he was doing with OW2 again, the fact that he would most probably take her to his family for the first time.

Today it is Mother's Day. EXH's mother had invited all her children for brunch at a restaurant. I had asked our children if they wanted to go too but they refused as their father was going to be there. I kindly informed her that the children were not going to be there, and that it would better to do this another time with them. Got no response from her.

Apparently she's obsessed with OW2 to meet her and so she had insisted that she would come along.

SIL confirmed to me today that she was actually there...

I won't lie, something snapped inside me and I've cried, cried like I haven't cried in months anymore.

Why the hell does this still hurt me so much?

I have a very close relationship with all of his family (with the exception of MIL who I have more or less banned since last year due to her sociopathic behaviour)
I can't seem to get over the fact that I have now been permanently replaced. Not in their eyes of course, I know they will always be in my lives, they are truly good people, but it will never be the way it was and that hurts, much more then I suspected.

To me this feels like the final end, there is no way back now. I always felt that he was with those OWs to make himself feel better, that they were a symptom of his mental health issues. He's also always kept his OWs hidden from everyone, and to me this was a sign that he didn't loose it completely, that he still cared about our feelings, so why bring her out now?


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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{{{{{{{Eagle}}}}}}}

It hurts because you love, deeply, and it's ok to hurt. Sounds like this was engineered by your MIL, the sociopath. Take it from its true source.

The family you were close to is still there. We each, I think, have our breaking point. For me, it was that my exh didn't stop our divorce, which could have happened any time in the 120 day waiting period in our state. For you, it seems that this is it. Of course when one hits a breaking point one does just that, breaks a little bit - crying being the natural response. I wish I was close enough to make you a cup of tea and give you a long hug.

You will be ok. You will be better than ok. You and the various members of your exh's family will find a new way to be in each other's lives, and yes, it hurts to let the old way go. Feel the pain, know that the only way through it is to feel it and let it go.


Happy Mother's Day, my dear. You are a champion. Do not forget that.

xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Happy Mother’s Day Eagle

(((Hugs)))

I’m sorry you are suffering. The feeling of being replaced does hurt so very much.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I always felt that he was with those OWs to make himself feel better, that they were a symptom of his mental health issues. He's also always kept his OWs hidden from everyone, and to me this was a sign that he didn't loose it completely, that he still cared about our feelings, so why bring her out now?

H (G) has always flipped and flopped about. He is much more a boomerang than vanisher for sure. So why bring her out, because her purpose isn’t being fulfilled. The reason she exists ain’t working out, so he ramps things up. He is running and he needs a better fix/jolt.

It’s still about him. Keeping her hidden away or flaunting her - all about him. No need to personally take on anything due to their actions and behaviours, for as it’s always been she is a symptom.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
To me this feels like the final end, there is no way back now.

Yes, we do get to that feeling. I believe that has to come as acceptance and letting go becomes.

Is it the truly the end? Perhaps. Perhaps not. The M is dead. Anything would need to be new.

Is there no way back now? No. People can and do (although it is difficult and therefore rare) change. However, the feeling finality of it is about you, not H.

That finality is part of acceptance. Emotional understanding and accepting the loss and the end.

Anything (if there is anything) going forward, reconciling to friends to acquaintances will be new. That was a hard lesson for me to figure out. And it brought such peace when I did.

I’m sorry this all stirred up on Mother’s Day.

As bttrfly said, you are a champion!

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Originally Posted by DnJ
H (G) has always flipped and flopped about. He is much more a boomerang than vanisher for sure. So why bring her out, because her purpose isn’t being fulfilled. The reason she exists ain’t working out, so he ramps things up. He is running and he needs a better fix/jolt.

It’s still about him. Keeping her hidden away or flaunting her - all about him. No need to personally take on anything due to their actions and behaviours, for as it’s always been she is a symptom

As always your words give me great peace and comfort. Thanks for this.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Anything (if there is anything) going forward, reconciling to friends to acquaintances will be new. That was a hard lesson for me to figure out. And it brought such peace when I did

I'm sorry but I don't understand this very well. Can you explain what you mean with this?

Originally Posted by DnJ
I’m sorry this all stirred up on Mother’s Day.

Well, he is pretty good at destroying Mother's Day. Right after BD, in May 2019, I found the first conversations on his phone with OW1, chit-chatting about our children with her. A day which I will never forget for the rest of my life.
The 2nd he was completely drunk, the 3rd year we had a good one as he wasn't living in the house anymore, the 4th being today.


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
I wish I was close enough to make you a cup of tea and give you a long hug.

You would me more than welcome...and I just love tea.
Thx for your kind words. xxx


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S18, S15 & S15
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - .... OW2
03/22 - Divorce official / home sold / I let go
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Hello Eagle

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Originally Posted by DnJ
Anything (if there is anything) going forward, reconciling to friends to acquaintances will be new. That was a hard lesson for me to figure out. And it brought such peace when I did.

I'm sorry but I don't understand this very well. Can you explain what you mean with this?

Certainly.

For a long time I hung on J. To who she was. The mother she was. The wife she was. The person in my mind.

There is a reality, yet we all craft our version or view of it through our senses. Reality exists, yet we only perceive it within our mind. And it’s more than that, we can only perceive it within our mind. Therefore we all have a different reality. And of course, some - like our crisis spouses - have a very different reality crafted.

My reality of J needed altering. Letting go. Reshaping. Accepting.

This alteration of J affected my minds reality of our marriage, relationship, etc.

We all receive plenty of feedback from life and others which corroborates or conflicts with our held views of reality. A gentle and peaceful and low conflict life is a pretty good indication you are seeing/crafting things reasonably authentically.

One who twists reality, lies, cheats, and such will suffer a comeuppance. One can twist reality for only so long before it snaps back. And when reality snaps back one can find themselves so very lost. One who lies and then believes their own lies will have no life line back to what is real. Over and over life’s feedback will slam them around, while they flounder unable to emerge from their abyss.

With this view in mind: My marriage is dead. J, the gal I knew, is gone. I don’t know J, this different person. Years have passed. Both her and I are different. I have grown. I have deeper convictions. It follows she will have changed. Each of us would need to get to know the other, no matter what level of relationship we might seek.

There is an incredible peace realizing such an underlining view of reality. Or more accurately, realizing that one cannot know reality. One cannot, one can only interpret. And we get that incorrect most of the time.

My example from a previous post. We can hear a musical chord. Say C, E, and G. We can hear all three notes and hear the C Major chord they produce.

However, when we mix red and green light we get yellow. We do not see the red nor green, only the resultant yellow. And that yellow is not yellow. The wave is a non sinusoidal addition of red and green light, it is not the same as a yellow light source with a yellow frequency. Detector can easily “see” that, we cannot. Wild. Consider that, most everything we see is not as it truly is.

Hence, reality is subject to one’s perception and interpretation. And I find comfort in that. It explains so much strife between people and their viewpoints - both are right. Well actually, both are wrong. Lol. We are always seeing not as it truly is, and need to strive to see the truth around us.

That’s only two of our senses or inputs. The remainder are just as subjective and crafting.

By the way, I also found this a pretty good way to find forgiveness and empathy and compassion and so on.

Hope that made sense. I did kind of go off on a tangent a bit. smile

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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