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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Link to my previous threads:

1/ - DivorceBusting.com (My Story P1...Survival of the MLC Madness)
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=63078&Number=2904612#Post2904612

2/ My Story P2...Acceptance of the MLC Madness - DivorceBusting.com
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2918764#Post2918764

3/ My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness - DivorceBusting.com
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2923530&#Post2923530

4/ My Story P4...Acceptance of the MLC Madness - DivorceBusting.com
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2928892&#Post2928892

Short summary:

BD April 2019 with the famous ILYBNILWY.

Started an affair a few weeks before that timing. Immediately found out. Lying, spewing, rewriting of history, wanting both of us, etc. until I kicked him out 09/2019. Came back 2 months later, totally broken. (way too soon)

Final break-up with OW1 02/2020.

Home from 02/2020 until 08/2020. Deep outward depression, first signs of acknowledgement that something is really wrong with him. Still shows a lot of running behavior such as drinking heavily.

Accepts new job abroad since 04/2020, working from home since COVID, asked him to leave for the other country in 08/2020 since behavior is extremely bad for myself and my 3 boys, all teenagers.

From 09/2020 until 12/2020 slightly showing improvement whilst abroad, new running behavior...working out (sports) to an extreme level.

As from 12/2020 clear set-back into tunnel, start of OW2 but denies it.

01/2021 - 11/2021: In January he informs me that OW1 passed away (suicide), also asked for divorce, I agree. Still lives abroad and has R with OW2, denies the R until 09/2021.

Clinging towards me and the boys remains present at all times.

10/2021 until 02/2022: Break-up with OW2 in November, divorce final, returns home, starts doing some work on himself and suddenly set back in tunnel again.

02/2022: Goes back to OW2. I finally let go in full. No contact anymore with me nor with the kids. House is for sale. I’m done.

Last edited by Eagle3; 03/20/22 12:01 PM.

Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Posts: 403
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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When I look back at the last 3 years of my life with EXH and his MLC and all the events that have happened, I can only conclude that there is a clear looping in the entire process.

EXH has effectively been gone 3 times in total, and each time it has been my initiative to make him leave.

Every time he was completely broken when he came back (presumably due to the breakups with the OW’s), this happened 2 times with OW1 and 1 time with OW2. During the time he was at home he realized very well what was wrong with him and wanted to try to work on himself, but couldn't handle it, so each time he went back into the tunnel.

I thought it was important to show to new people who come here to tell their story and have to deal with an MLC spouse that this really shows that this crisis goes on for years, that you have absolutely no control over it and that the only thing you can do is let it go as much as possible and live your own life without them. Many times you think they are on their way back, that improvement is in sight, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Therefore, focus on yourself, and definitely on your children, for it is they who need you very much through this process. If even we don't understand what is happening, what impact does this have on them, to see 1 of their parents change like this.

Therefore again, think of yourself first! What do you want? What makes it possible to feel the pain as little as possible?

Yes, it is a very long and difficult road that we must travel, a tunnel which is involuntarily created for us and there is no way around it, we unfortunately have to go through it as well, but know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. And that end is in sight when one learns to let it go in full.

Everyone has their own pace for this and each need to find his way how to come to this phase.

I can only conclude that it is much easier if they effectively leave the house, an in-home MLC'er is much harder to let go than an MLC'er who does not actually stay lives with you.

Some info I wanted to get out of my system on a beautiful Sunday.
Maybe it can be of help to anybody here, knowing you are not alone. smile


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Eagle

Well said. It’s always helped me to get stuff out of my system as well. To say it aloud here as it were. Makes it more real, being heard by those who understand.

You are a fine example for those who will follow.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
…think of yourself first! What do you want? What makes it possible to feel the pain as little as possible?

Yes. LBS, especially the new ones, you are the most important person in your process. Everyone needs to feel their pain, and hopefully can heed some advice to not prolong it.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
…focus on yourself, and definitely on your children, for it is they who need you very much through this process. If even we don't understand what is happening, what impact does this have on them, to see 1 of their parents change like this.

This situation is very hard on children. MLCers usually become terrible parents. Have faith, one strong stable parent is enough. Be their rock, their role model; as you have been.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Yes, it is a very long and difficult road that we must travel, a tunnel which is involuntarily created for us and there is no way around it, we unfortunately have to go through it as well, but know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. And that end is in sight when one learns to let it go in full.

Everyone has their own pace for this and each need to find [their] way how to come to this phase.

That is a great truth of the journey of the LBS.

We have a road to travel, as much as our spouse does. We all find our way, in our time. How clearly and quickly we see the light at the end of the tunnel depends upon lots of factors.

Everyone needs a certain amount of understanding, of rationalizing, to let go. Letting go in full, requires understanding and compassion and empathy and forgiving. To see clearly and be able to step away in a loving manner.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Some info I wanted to get out of my system on a beautiful Sunday.
Maybe it can be of help to anybody here, knowing you are not alone.

I am proud of you Eagle, and how you have walked your path.

You story and wisdom is a comfort to many people. And yes, knowing one is not alone in their journey is value beyond measure.

Welcome to the next stage. To the next chapter of your life. The future is still unknown and unwritten, however you have the pen firmly within your hand. Write big and bold. Write from your soul. Live great!

It is a beautiful sunny Sunday here as well, and I absolutely enjoyed reading your update.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Dear DB friends,

Wanted quickly to let you know that today it was the house-sale and I’m so excited to inform you that I received an offer way above the target price! So fantastic news, it seems karma has been with me today.

Next week signing of the paperwork, yet another chapter to leave behind and up to a new experience.

I will be celebrating tonight with my family.

Have a wonderful weekend.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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kml Offline
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Congratulations!

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Congrats Eagle3! So happy for your good news.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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DnJ Offline
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Great news!


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Awesome news! Woot Woot!


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Eagle3 Offline OP
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Dear DB friends,

It's been awhile since I've posted. I do follow the threads on a very regular basis but have taken some more time for myself, hence the absence.

It has also been quite busy since the sale of the house. This is because of course I had to look for a new home. And I have found a beautiful one! It's well within my budget, in a super cool location for myself and the kids, and I can make the necessary adjustments to my own taste. I will also have some nice savings to offer my children a similar lifestyle, and to do the trips I envisioned as long as they still live at home. And that means an awful lot to me.

The children are doing very well mentally. They feel better and better and I see the joy in their eyes again, the way they smile, they feel free and seem burdenless now. We also do a lot of things together. Twins14 still go to a psychologist which is really good for them (in regards to learning to set boundaries), S17 does not want this but in the meantime has a girlfriend who is experiencing a similar scenario with her father (no MLC, but pure narcissist) and can talk openly about this with her which he also does a lot now. He is also in a much better place, although there is still work to be done on his attitude in school. But we'll get there too.

They have cut all contact with their father at this time. (for about 2 months now) However, I leave them free to do whatever they want, they decide for themselves whether or not they wish to make contact again.

I am also doing well. I go to a therapist every two weeks and we click very well.
I've let go, but not completely yet, but I accept this and the future will show when I'm ready to let it go completely.

Originally Posted by DnJ
We have a road to travel, as much as our spouse does. We all find our way, in our time. How clearly and quickly we see the light at the end of the tunnel depends upon lots of factors.
Everyone needs a certain amount of understanding, or rationalizing, to let go. Letting go in full, requires understanding and compassion and empathy and forgiving. To see clearly and be able to step away in a loving manner. D

Here you say it very clearly D. I've already let go to a great extent, I clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel but I haven't completely worked it out yet.
I know this because I have moments where I can still be mad at him. Angry at what he did to the children, angry at what he did to me.
I can still be sad when I hear things. Sad to hear that he is going on a trip with OW2, sad because he starts sending pictures of them 2 to the family or to his friend, sad because he intends to introduce OW2 to his relatives.
I can still be very curious about him. When I hear that he's been around people I'm very close to (my best friend, his stepfather, his father), I tend to ask what he looks like, what he said, if he seems happy, if he is still drinking that much...(basically, is he still in crisis?)

Some people go along with it, others say it's better not to ask, because it would hurt me too much.

Know that I'm not going to cry anymore, I'm not going to lie awake anymore about all these things, but it still makes me nervous, uncomfortable actually for a certian amount of time.

However, EXH is not aware of this. He has no idea how I currently feel.

I don't have any contact with him, outside of the business matters. He also doesn't seek much contact. He called once, I didn't answer. Afterwards I messaged to say I was busy and that he could only call from a certain hour if he needed to speak to me urgently, he never called back. Afterwards I heard that he also sent a message to his brother and sister that evening to apologize, so clearly another brief moment of clarity, which probably went back just as quickly. He has monstered 1 time via messages (last week). I didn't answer.

He slowly reconnects with his father although his father doesn't trust the situation yet. EXH told him that he has been wrong, but at the same time he shows huge frustrations that the children don't want anything to do with him anymore. He is disappointed in them, but at the same time disappointed in himself, hence the great frustration.

I wonder how long it will take that I still have this interest in him.
Ideally, I'd like to stop getting these negative feelings (that nervousness, that uneasiness) when I hear about him, that I can just hear it but that I simply can let it go over me.

Is this ever going to come?


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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Hi Eagle,

I read once that it takes about 1 year for every 4 years you were together with someone to be completely over them. Based on your signature it will take about 5 years. Doesn't mean you will sit and pine for them it just means that in 5 years and you can hear anything about them and it won't effect you at all.

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