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"I am busy." That's all he needs to hear. No you should not tell him details. This is typical WS garbage. "Tell me what you are doing and with who. But do not ask me the same!" Disgusting.

Last edited by SteveLW; 03/17/22 03:09 AM.

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AnnKay Offline OP
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
"I am busy." That's all he needs to hear. No you should not tell him details. This is typical WS garbage. "Tell me what you are doing and with who. But do not ask me the same!" Disgusting.
Yes it is disgusting. I don't understand why he would care. Logically, H has decided to opt for the 'better' option so why bother caring for the 'less favourable' option?

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AK,

So right now you are in a lot of pain. Your brain is trying protect you so it will look for any sign that he is having doubts because that gives you temporary relief. So you can go down this rabbit hole if you like or you can focus on your yourself, pregnancy, son and friends.

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AnnKay,

You're dealing with a lot. Your pregnancy, Gestational Diabetes, your H's affair, your dad's potential cancer. That must be incredibly difficult. Try to take some time to step back and breath. You will get through this.

It's great you're making an effort to get together with friends. Their support and the relief of dwelling on everything else will help you quite a bit.

I also agree you don't owe H an explanation of where you'll be or what you'll be doing. He's given up that right due to his actions.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
AnnKay,

You're dealing with a lot. Your pregnancy, Gestational Diabetes, your H's affair, your dad's potential cancer. That must be incredibly difficult. Try to take some time to step back and breath. You will get through this.

Thank you, BL42 and LH19. I had an individual counselling session last week and one of the main things that stood out from this session was that I may have not really taken enough time to sit with my feelings and really mourn. I have been so busy distracting myself as much as I could, that feelings tend to creep up on me and I will get into the same ineffective mind reading exercise. I am taking one or two day off work this week to do this, and to step back and breathe.

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Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by BL42
AnnKay,

You're dealing with a lot. Your pregnancy, Gestational Diabetes, your H's affair, your dad's potential cancer. That must be incredibly difficult. Try to take some time to step back and breath. You will get through this.

Thank you, BL42 and LH19. I had an individual counselling session last week and one of the main things that stood out from this session was that I may have not really taken enough time to sit with my feelings and really mourn. I have been so busy distracting myself as much as I could, that feelings tend to creep up on me and I will get into the same ineffective mind reading exercise. I am taking one or two day off work this week to do this, and to step back and breathe.

Ann, that is great! So glad it sounds like you have a good IC, it will be very important as you move forward. Like the idea for you to step back, and just let you feel your feelings. Please do not reach out to him while you do that. Your mind will play tricks on you and try to get you to think you have to in order to understand. "If only I knew how he felt about X." That is a cheeseless tunnel, so please try and make a commitment that this is for you and you alone. Your feelings about unknown answers you still have are still feelings that you can sit with and figure out how to move forward.

Look at his current actions for your answers to things you are unsure about. Try to face anything you are still in denial about and see the reality of your situation as you go through this exercise.

Great work here though.


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AnnKay, I agree with Steve’s comments on the last page about taking advice only where you agree with it. Bear that in mind when I say the following:

Imagine your nicest, and quietest friend. Imagine she has invited you out for coffee at a cafe. And when you get there, she sits down and says everything in your first post. What would you tell her to do with this man of hers? What advice would you give her?

I know that this is a divorce busting website, but why do you want to be with this man? He is a habitual liar and cheat, who tries to control you, wants the best of both worlds, appears more worried about his OW’s welfare than the welfare of the mother of his kids, and comes and kisses your hand and rubs your pregnant belly straight after having those hands all over OW a few hours earlier.

IMHO He’s an absolute creep show, you should run in the other direction, and the hardest thing for you from this point forward will be emotionally coming to terms with having devoted a large chunk of your life to someone who’s a dirtbag.

Look after your health, keep up the IC, eat well and make sure you exercise and keep your body active (in a way that your OB suggests).

There’s lots of Aussies on this website… perhaps we need our own sub-forum smile

Wishing you all the best for the pregnancy.

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Ann, that is great! So glad it sounds like you have a good IC, it will be very important as you move forward. Like the idea for you to step back, and just let you feel your feelings. Please do not reach out to him while you do that. Your mind will play tricks on you and try to get you to think you have to in order to understand. "If only I knew how he felt about X." That is a cheeseless tunnel, so please try and make a commitment that this is for you and you alone. Your feelings about unknown answers you still have are still feelings that you can sit with and figure out how to move forward.

Look at his current actions for your answers to things you are unsure about. Try to face anything you are still in denial about and see the reality of your situation as you go through this exercise.

Great work here though.

Thank you SteveLW. I did initially have some reservations about my counsellor, but once she gave me some materials and exercises on how to sit with my feelings, it kind of made sense and became something more doable. I will not have contact with H unless it is to do with son and will continue to be away one day in the weekend.

I am aware that my mind will still try to play tricks, but hopefully I will be more aware of it and would be able to stop myself from getting into the tunnel.

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I just learnt that H just took some money out of our savings without telling me. The amount is not much, but it is just disrespectful. I am giving him the space and time to explain, but I am too disappointed (disgusted) to even bring anything up.

It is really unfortunate that he has to do that as he is earning more than enough, so he should not feel the need to dig in to our savings. I refuse to think further about the whys and potential reasons as whatever it is, what he did was just wrong. I will just manage the situation as it happens. I have my own savings account that he cannot access, and I am opening my own current (checking) account first thing tomorrow. I will then start transferring money from accounts he can access (my money) to my own individual accounts.

I will also have DB coaching tomorrow, so hopefully will get more inputs on my current situation.

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I am also hoping if there is anyone with similar experience with WAS taking money our of joint accounts/savings that they could share some advice on whether there is anything I need to be wary about or particularly consider in this situation.

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