My wife last week told me she wanted a divorce. About three years ago she said the same thing and move to a apartment for about four months. I of course was a mess and pursued her and did what ever I could to win her back. I had a affair about 13 years prior and never told a single person about it. The down side to this was that I was consumed by guilt for what I did. Then shortly after the affair ended my only brother passed away and then shortly after that my dad passed away. For like 8 years I was total detached with the marriage for the most part because of my guilt and grieving from the two deaths. She even warned me at times if something didn’t change something bad was going to happen, well it did/ she had a affair, this was in 2017. I found out and she told me she didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. At this time I still had never told her about my affair but she said that I have neglected her to long and she knows that I had to have had a affair because I was so distant for years and she ask me many time and I always denied it. After I found out about her affair she again asked for the truth and I finally admitted to her about my affair. She lost it and things were bad. She stayed for a while after I found out about her affair and after finally coming clean about mine. After a while though she said she didn’t love me anymore because of the past 9 years being so emotionally void. When she moved to the apartment I was a mess, worse I have ever been in my life. I did everything wrong and she was still talking with other guy. I even offered buying a little house on a lake because she always wanted that and loved being by water. we ended up getting back together and we bought the lake house, while still having our other house. I inherited some money after my dad passed and used it to buy the lake house thinking it Would help us reconnect and work on our marriage. Now three years later she is asking for a divorce again stating she can’t get pass the past. She said she has forgiven me for the affair but can not get pass the 9 years of feeling like she did it changed her heart. The last 3 years she said she has love for me again and stated I have become the husband she always wanted now over the three years, she just can't get past these feeling from those years, it has left a hole in her heart. She said she decide to come back originally because I said i wouldn't be able to be friends with her and do stuff as family originally and she said that scared her, because I am her best friend and couldn't picture me not in her life. We have three kids 30, 27, 25 and a recent new 1st grandchild . Also in the last 5 months her dad has passed away, and her mother had to have heart surgery, so a lot of emotional stuff going on lately. I'm at a lost of what to do if anything.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-68, D35,S34
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The last 3 years she said she has love for me again and stated I have become the husband she always wanted now over the three years, she just can't get past these feeling from those years, it has left a hole in her heart.
Sorry you are here again Dink. Resentment is what lands most people here. You are going to have to give her time and space to burn through the big pile of resentment. Until that happens she can not and will not see you any differently. There is no timeline on how long this could take. Likely 2-5 years. Work on yourself and become the best man you can be physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
Originally Posted by Dink
She said she decide to come back originally because I said i wouldn't be able to be friends with her and do stuff as family originally and she said that scared her, because I am her best friend and couldn't picture me not in her life.
Stick to your guns. W I can not just be friends with you.
The best thing you can do, believe it or not, is to let her go. When a WAS comes to you and says they want a divorce, the best course of action is to say "Ok. I don't want a divorce, but I will not stand in your way."
Pressure and pursuit rarely works and usually just pushes them out the door even more quickly. Please read the post that job posted. It is pure gold in there. I would also seek out sandi's threads and writings. Her guidance during my sitch really helped me a lot.
DBing tactics are easy to learn. GAL. 180 and self-improvements. Detachment. Giving her time and space. They are extremely difficult to put into practice, remain consistent to, and not to make mistakes along the way. That is why job's post and all of the reading and links are so good because it will point you to real people on this forum that struggled with all of this before you.
You haven't said much about how you have handled this latest situation, though you told us a lot about what happened 3 years ago. How have you been dealing with her latest pronouncement?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I read through your previous thread (Too far gone) from May 2019 and this one. Perhaps one of the moderators could link or combine them to give folks a better history?
8 years being very distant and emotionally unavailable to your W is a really long time, and her still being in touch with her AP clouds the situation as well. Unfortunately you can't change either of those.
Originally Posted by LH19
Work on yourself and become the best man you can be physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
^This is the crux of it. The most basic important advice. All you can do moving forward is work on yourself. Don't delay. Join a gym today, start reading about relationships and attraction...etc.
Originally Posted by LH19
Stick to your guns. W I can not just be friends with you.
I also agree with LH. Don't give her a safety net and ease her transition away from you.
Hang in there. You'll get through this.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
She told me a week ago she wanted the divorce. We had still been in the same house this past week and things for the most part we pretty normal no much more talk about it and we even cuddled and had sex during the week. She kept calling me babe and such but I knew from the few Times we talked about it this week that she was set in her decision. I came home yesterday and told I would move to or other place for the time being to give her space as we go forward with divorce and figure things out and when to tell the kids. We both cried a lot and after about a hour or so I left. I have not spoke with her today
I came home yesterday and told I would move to or other place for the time being to give her space as we go forward with divorce and figure things out and when to tell the kids. We both cried a lot and after about a hour or so I left. I have not spoke with her today
Did you bring your kids with you? If not, return a.s.a.p. and only leave after an attorney says it's safe to do so. Abandoning your kids and home could have long-term consequences for your custody, relationships, finances, etc. You can spend daytime away if you need space.
She told me a week ago she wanted the divorce. We had still been in the same house this past week and things for the most part we pretty normal no much more talk about it and we even cuddled and had sex during the week.
So you a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. If you apply no pressure this may continue but may not be good for your detachment.
Originally Posted by Dink
She kept calling me babe and such but I knew from the few times we talked about it this week that she was set in her decision.
Yeah she has been likely planning this for years. She is not going to change her mind anytime soon.
Originally Posted by Dink
I came home yesterday and told I would move to or other place for the time being to give her space as we go forward with divorce and figure things out and when to tell the kids.
AS CW said not a good idea. Stay in the house but be out whenever she is at home.
Originally Posted by Dink
We both cried a lot and after about a hour or so I left. I have not spoke with her today
Stick to NC accept for when arranging things for the kids. She needs space and then more space and in case you didn't understand it she needs space.
She told me a week ago she wanted the divorce. We had still been in the same house this past week and things for the most part we pretty normal no much more talk about it and we even cuddled and had sex during the week. She kept calling me babe and such but I knew from the few Times we talked about it this week that she was set in her decision. I came home yesterday and told I would move to or other place for the time being to give her space as we go forward with divorce and figure things out and when to tell the kids. We both cried a lot and after about a hour or so I left. I have not spoke with her today
It's interesting to me you two had sex. Just my anecdotal observation, but it seems like that's more common on here when it's the man who's walking away and the woman wants to keep things together than when the woman is walking away and more resolved in the decision.
Originally Posted by Traveler
Did you bring your kids with you? If not, return a.s.a.p. and only leave after an attorney says it's safe to do so. Abandoning your kids and home could have long-term consequences for your custody, relationships, finances, etc. You can spend daytime away if you need space.
His kids are older (30, 27, 25) so custody shouldn't be a factor, but definitely agree be wary of leaving the house without a written separation agreement in terms of the finances.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I wonder if the death of her father 5 months ago made her feel more like …my time is limited and I deserve to be happy and is a emotional decision? From what she tells me is that it about not being able to get over the years where I was unfortunately emotional available for her and she is a very needed woman to boot.
