I fully understand what Dawns talking about. I lived the same including the lies. Yet I also have to remember this is the woman I chose. That’s on me. No one forced me to marry her (though she did push and push and push) but I did that. I failed to see who she really was. I should have chose better. It’s easier to blame the other person and lord knows there’s plenty of blame to fall on them but lest we forget we chose them, we overlooked or explained away the faults we knew were there. When making the most important choice of our lives it’s important to choose wisely. Easier to do in hindsight and additional years of wisdom.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
When it comes to personal relationships it is important to love and value yourself so you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.
^^^^^^^so much THIS!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I fully understand what Dawns talking about. I lived the same including the lies. Yet I also have to remember this is the woman I chose. That’s on me. No one forced me to marry her (though she did push and push and push) but I did that. I failed to see who she really was. I should have chose better. It’s easier to blame the other person and lord knows there’s plenty of blame to fall on them but lest we forget we chose them, we overlooked or explained away the faults we knew were there. When making the most important choice of our lives it’s important to choose wisely. Easier to do in hindsight and additional years of wisdom.
Yes. I chose my exh. I was young, and foolishly thought that love conquered all, even horrendous emotional abuse suffered at the hands of his parents. I was wrong, and I and my son paid a tremendous price for that error. Is it exh's fault? yes, and no. He's not responsible for what happened to him when he was a kid. Where it becomes his fault is in not taking responsibility for recovering from that abuse. I suppose he tried? And, of course, there are things I'm responsible for which didn't help our marriage at all. But you're right, Don, of course - I chose him. For better or worse. My consolation is in knowing that I'm a lot wiser now.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I know I’m late to the party on this one but thought I would chime in. I think there is a difference between being friends with your ex and being friendly. I am friends with my first XH. He and I parted very respectfully and amicably. I can trust him and I know that he would have my back if I needed him and vice versa.
I am friendly with XH2 but we are not friends. I trust him to a certain extent as my kids’ dad but I don’t trust him enough for us to be friends. Maybe that could change in the future but I doubt it. He lied to me for too long and put me and our children through too much for me to just forget about it and believe in him the way I used to. He was extremely calculating and took advantage of my love and trust for way too long. As much as he wants people to believe he has changed, I don’t buy it. The only thing he did was divorce me and marry someone else. That’s not what change looks like.
And I concur with what Don and Bttfly said. I knew he had a history of deceit in relationships and I ignored it foolishly thinking that it was his age and the circumstances and not about the giant character flaw that it is. That’s on me for sure. Like they say… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I will definitely pay attention to that in the future.
I knew he had a history of deceit in relationships and I ignored it foolishly thinking that it was his age and the circumstances and not about the giant character flaw that it is. That’s on me for sure. Like they say… “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I will definitely pay attention to that in the future.
Amen to that. When we were dating xW told me about her adventures as OW but then also how much she was disgusted by the cheating of her father. I certainly failed to grasp the importance of that at the time. I'm choosing to believe that she was a faithful wife up until her affair that led to bomb-day - the actual reality doesn't matter.
Today is the 6th anniversary of that fateful day in Mexico where while we were on vacation, she got blind drunk and announced that she was leaving me and that there was nothing I could do about it. What a long and winding road it's been since then. I did find out a few months after that she was under a lot of pressure from OM to split from me that probably triggered that event. She was so drunk / out of it that I think she honestly didn't remember it until I asked her if it was true a couple of days later (on my birthday in fact). They have the most amiable of timing don't they
I will say that this far out, I can mark this date with only a minor twinge. I did everything I could to save my marriage and persuade her to come back. At times I thought I was making progress but the end result is still that she and OM are cohabitating about 10 minutes away from where we lived, loved and raised our family. Me, I have my cat, my children, my home and my self-respect.
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Had dinner with my friend "C" yesterday. It was nice to catch up. The last time we saw each other was briefly in the summer. We ended up chatting for about 3 hours - I made sure to leave a generous tip for our server. Hopefully we can get together again before another 6 months goes by - she's a smart, quirky person and we have a surprisingly large number of rather random things in common.
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Annual review yesterday which went rather well overall. We are now looking at turning over all of the admin staff in the next 3 years due to retirements including the company president so I have lots to pick up on. We're bringing in new admin people over the next few months and I'll be working on getting them up to speed.
One of the stock questions was whether I was happy with my job description or not and since I don't have one, I agreed that I was pretty happy with that. It was my first review with the president, in past years they've been brief. We actually chatted for well over 2 hours going over my strengths, how to improve on other areas and how we both see me being best utilized for future company success.
Ah well - on to year 7 since bomb-day. It's getting harder to keep track which I suppose is a positive thing. 2 more years and I'm done paying support. Probably 12 years to retirement. There was 8.28" in the blend tank this morning with a specific gravity of 1.49 so allowing for a safety margin that would be roughly 3 skids of drums. Exciting isn't it
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I’m so glad the “bombaverseries” have faded from my mind. Yours sure had great timing. Way to ruin a vacation. I’m trying to imagine what that flight home was like. ((((Hug))))
Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy your special day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow—on vacation, just before your birthday. This is why the age old answer to the question is, “Of course you break up before your vacation, not after.” It’s interesting she told you stories about being an OW but you didn’t pick up on it as a red flag. Youth. Naivety.
Yes, it gets easier marking the years. At +11yrs I’ve finally been apart from my XW more years than I was together with my XW. Interesting place to be.
Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy your special day!
Originally Posted by Traveler
Happy Birthday, Andrew!
Wow—on vacation, just before your birthday. This is why the age old answer to the question is, “Of course you break up before your vacation, not after.” It’s interesting she told you stories about being an OW but you didn’t pick up on it as a red flag. Youth. Naivety.
Yes, it gets easier marking the years. At +11yrs I’ve finally been apart from my XW more years than I was together with my XW. Interesting place to be.
Thanks for the birthday wishes job and Traveler.
Yeah - I remember after pouring her into bed, sitting looking out at the stars over the Pacific Ocean and trying to think what to do. I felt I had a duty to make sure she was safe - she was "very" drunk - but contemplated getting another room / heading home early. Abandoning her in a foreign country was just something that I couldn't make myself do though. We had actually finished dinner as if everything was normal despite her announcement - which was truly surreal.
The next day she seemed to have no memory of the event and joked with some of the people she'd met that I seemed to be distant .... we flew back that night and I asked her to confirm it the next morning as we were then safe on Canadian soil, which she did. I asked if she had anything she needed to be forgiven for to which she replied "well - isn't that the elephant in the room" - which I didn't push on. I was admittedly very spinning.
After a frantic month of trying to figure out WTF had happened while she behaved as if nothing had changed between us, I discovered the existence of OM in messages between her and her friends.
She then moved into a spare room and we began the h@ll of in-house separation while still she put on a façade to the outside world including our own children that nothing had changed. No wonder I became a basket-case
Ah well - all in the dust behind me now. My son is expected for dinner tonight and my daughter will Skype in from the west coast to sing Happy Birthday at me. I got her card in the mail earlier this week. The bakery around the corner has made me what will undoubtedly be a lovely cake.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
