Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Learning and growing. Goal #1 - Don't get your kids attached. "Don't introduce them for 6-12mo" is a solid strategy and what I've always for the 11yrs since leaving my XW. My kids have met or heard about only two girlfriends in 11yrs. I've been a rather solid barrier. In 3 months, Ms. Sunshine's pressure never convinced me to introduce her to my kids.

She did get me thinking, though that a) sharing what your family looks like is helpful, b) seeing how your kids interact with a potential partner is helpful and c) if things get further, a bit of familiarity isn't a bad thing.

It's something I plan to research further. Learning and growing.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Didn't your kids already know this woman socially too?

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Yes, that helped, too! Every situation is different.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
BL42 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Ginger1,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
A lot of people are under the assumption that when dating as a single parent, the kids would have to get kicked out that position. Not at all! It’s finding the time and learning to balance dating on a priority list. How to learn how to give both emotionally and time wise to both dating/ a partner and your children. It’s not easy! It’s a real challenge. But totally doable.

I’ve dated a lot of guys who use the “my kids are my number one priority” to have an out of effort and commitment. That’s not cool with me. They also tend to forget I have a child too and I manage to prioritize .

In conclusion, you never have to take your kids off the priority list. You just have to learn how to work it all in.
Good point. Kids are my most important but that doesn't mean no priority for a dating partner either. I'm a put in the effort kind of guy, so don't think this would be the case once I start dating more, but to your point it will be challenging to balance and fit it all in but certainly possible.

Originally Posted by kml
The most important thing before dating is to be sure you are really DONE with your ex - that you wouldn't take them back even if they came crawling back. It's just not fair to date people and then end up reconciling. But it sounds like you are safely there.
You can never know for certain until real life presents itself, but honestly believe I'm completely done w/ExW.

Originally Posted by kml
As for the schoolteacher - the thing I'd be most concerned about it, does she want children? And if you did date a woman who wanted to have kids, would you be open to it? If not - if you feel yours are enough and you don't want to father more kids - you should avoid dating childless women unless they make it clear they have never wanted to have kids.
Interesting question. I love being a father and absolutely would've been open to more children in our family before BD/D, and was initially thinking I'd be open to more afterwards as well (in relation to meeting new women, but as time progresses and things settle I find myself more and more leaning towards "no". Guess it'll depend on the woman and how I feel at the time, but I find myself thinking "that's probably it".

Originally Posted by kml
And please, don't introduce your kids to your dates until you've been dating at least 6 months and are pretty sure it is going somewhere. Kids don't need to go through the process of getting emotionally attached and then experiencing another loss when the relationship breaks up.
I agree w/this stance. I thought it horrible they had to go through mom moving out and then almost immediately having a new guy move in. What a confusing whirlwind of disruption. They don't need to experience that with dad too. I assume, as well as some ramp up time of getting to know the other person if it does become serious before moving in so abruptly.

Originally Posted by Traveler
When you ask someone on a date, all they're getting into is a date with you!
Good point. Don't put the cart before the horse; one date at a time.

Originally Posted by Traveler
Are you imagining a new nuclear family? Your kids have a mom already. As for if you and she hit it off, what role she may play in your kids' lives, that depends on how they hit it off...Post-D families can look different. Flexibility is needed.
I'm not looking for a replacement mother. A future woman I date will never be their mom. However, my kids are very young and to have a LTR will likely mean integrating that future woman in with the kids at some point. A part of dating is seeing if you're compatible and with me that also means two young children. Doesn't mean I can't go out on a few times and just enjoy the dates but at some point there will be a decision to be made, so that'll be a factor in the back of my mind for a long time. It'd be different if they were older, say teenage or college, and then a major step like moving in wouldn't be as disruptive.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Well, moving in with teenagers could definitely be disruptive, but if you met a women when your kids were teens, you could just date and wait until they're out of the home to move in together.

I agree that with your kids as young as they are, you may end up in a blended situation if you want a long-term relationship.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
BL42 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
It's been awhile since my last update...

My son turned 7 last month. We went all out to throw him a family party in the theme he wanted the weekend before his birthday. He loved it and all his presents, and I could tell he felt genuinely happy and loved to be with me, his sister, my parents, and my sister and nice who came in from out of town. ExW for some reason offered me to switch dinner nights the following week so I could spend his actual birthday with him despite it being her year, which was oddly/surprisingly nice added bonus and because he didn't have school the next day he stayed overnight too and we spent the next day together as well.

This week the kids have Spring Break so I'm taking them on a few overnights to a theme park, kids museum, and baseball game. Fingers cross on the weather, but looking forward to making some memories. We're also going to visit my sister and her family next weekend which should be fun S7 and D3 love being there and playing with their aunt, uncle, and cousin. ExW offered to split Easter even though it's her year so it's nice she's offering me up more time with the kids - some reasonableness in an otherwise unreasonable situation she caused.

Overall though, and not sure the right word, but I feel like I've had a bit of regression or backslide lately. Maybe it's a hint of depression not giving me as much energy. Just seemed like I was firing on all cylinders in the Fall and really crushing it in so many areas (kids, work, grad school, gym routine...etc.) whereas the last month or two I've been more worn down. For example, I would get back from a day of work and coaching son's soccer and go right to the gym but lately I've haven't found the energy and instead skipped it to go home and just relax. Also I got an A in my grad school course last year but didn't pick it up this semester.

It's almost like I was on a full out sprint the last last and a half to do absolutely everything I could (especially for the kids) and maybe that's not sustainable over the long run and it's catching up to me. I can't tell you how much I've bent over backwards with flexing out at work to spend as much time as possible with them and show them they're loved, especially now when they're so young and have more time I want to maximize it. As they get older they'll have more of their own activities and interests. Even next year when my daughter is in school longer days I'll probably have more of a breather.

I've continued to do well GAL'ing with my buddies on my free time. However, I've slacked at the gym lately and am not as feeling in as good of shape. I need to recommit there and find a way to consistently get there when I have the kids.

Dating (or lack thereof) has been a point of frustration as well. I realize I'm much fresher into it than many of you but coming up on a year of the divorce being official and over 6 months of online dating, with little to no result. I don't mean result as in finding an LTR but even just matches and chats or dare I say dates. You all don't know me in real life, but consider myself to be a great catch. I'm a legitimate 6' tall (not lying about it for OLD), not ripped but above average looks and in-shape for my age, very well off financially, a great father, a good friend and man...etc., but the very few matches aren't good leads (out of town...etc.) and inevitably if I see an attractive single mother profile that I could see as promising I won't even hear back. Not sure if they're no longer on the platform or if I think higher of myself than I'm actually worth lol. I have a fantastic career and make great money but working remotely in my home office on the phone with folks all over the country/world really limits my in real life interactions with new local people. Plus no one I know seems to know any single woman my age in the area. On the other hand when I'm struggling with the two young kids, especially a 3yo, I think maybe it's unrealistic to date now anyway as why would anyone want to deal with a single dad. However, I do get lonely and wish a woman to connect with emotionally and physically.

Anyway...don't mean to sound too down. I have to admit life is pretty good overall with the kids and my job, just been more of a down month or two. Just need to kick start myself again with the gym and re-energize myself to get back on track and hitting all cylinders like I was before. Hopefully the weather starting to change will help with my attitude and getting out and about more. It'd be great to find some dates this Spring/Summer or even meet someone special and experience some of the adult romantic relationship I've missed over the past two years.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
BL… RE: OLD… I’m not sure what your profile looks like but make sure you have decent pictures (no mirror selfies, no pics of you lying on a bed shirtless…no shirtless pictures period unless you are on a beach, no pictures of you and attractive females). Also…in your written statement about yourself (and please have one…pics only just says “lazy”, my pics should be enough”, or “I’m not really serious about this”) make sure you are really positive in what you say and don’t say things like “no drama please” as that implies your life is filled with drama. If you have good female friends, maybe get them take a look at your profile to see what their reaction would be if they didn’t know you. Also…don’t have a long list of what you are looking for. A woman may read your six criteria and think that she matches five but not six so swipes left, not wanting to set herself up for rejection…especially if you say something about not wanting to settle. Bottom line…you want to appear approachable and friendly, confident but not arrogant, and serious but not too serious. It’s a fine line to walk which is why I would get some female friends to give you some feedback if possible.

Most importantly… if you do reach out to someone, read their profile and make sure you bring up something that they wrote about. Don’t just say “Hey” or “Hi Beautiful. How is your day going?” or something equally generic. Or “your search is over” which is one I got the other day…lol. The person you are contacting wants to know that you read her profile and are reaching out because you saw something unique about her that you liked. I have no problem ignoring the greetings that the other person could have sent to multiple people at the same time but I tend to return the messages that are specific to me unless the other person is a hard no. I used to respond to those as well, to be polite… thank them for reaching out but I didn’t think we would be a match. But then they would want to argue about it or want me to tell them exactly why and I really didn’t want to get into it. So now I just don’t respond to people I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be attracted to. I feel bad about it but I’ve realized it’s just easier.

Glad to hear everything else in your life is going well. smile

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
BL42 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
DejaVu6,

Appreciate the feedback.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
BL… RE: OLD… I’m not sure what your profile looks like but make sure you have decent pictures (no mirror selfies, no pics of you lying on a bed shirtless…no shirtless pictures period unless you are on a beach, no pictures of you and attractive females).
When I first created an OLD account I realize I had no pictures of just me in the last decade. They were all mostly of or with my kids and also my ExW. So I took one or two decent selfies on my own but probably need to up my picture game.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Bottom line…you want to appear approachable and friendly, confident but not arrogant, and serious but not too serious. It’s a fine line to walk which is why I would get some female friends to give you some feedback if possible.
Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on it.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Most importantly… if you do reach out to someone, read their profile and make sure you bring up something that they wrote about.
I try to be unique / clever and not generic, but sometimes it's tough without a lot to go on.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by BL42
Dating (or lack thereof) has been a point of frustration as well. I realize I'm much fresher into it than many of you but coming up on a year of the divorce being official and over 6 months of online dating, with little to no result.
Patience, patience, patience.
Originally Posted by BL42
I don't mean result as in finding an LTR but even just matches and chats or dare I say dates.
Well Dejavu and most women swipe right on 1 of 200 men. Then those that they do end up matching with they go on a date with these men less then 5% of the time so it sounds about right.
Originally Posted by BL42
You all don't know me in real life, but consider myself to be a great catch. I'm a legitimate 6' tall (not lying about it for OLD), not ripped but above average looks and in-shape for my age, very well off financially, a great father, a good friend and man...etc.,
Yeah on paper you should be good to go. Do you dare post your profile and let Ginger rip it up? Warning do not say "my children come first" she will go ballistic lol.
Originally Posted by BL42
But the very few matches aren't good leads (out of town...etc.) and inevitably if I see an attractive single mother profile that I could see as promising I won't even hear back.
There are quite a few fake profiles out there but also a woman will on average respond to 1 in every 120 messages.
Originally Posted by BL42
Not sure if they're no longer on the platform or if I think higher of myself than I'm actually worth lol.
Over valuing yourself is the number one problem with OLDing. Men are valued on looks and status and women are valued on looks and youth.
Originally Posted by BL42
Anyway...don't mean to sound too down. I have to admit life is pretty good overall with the kids and my job, just been more of a down month or two.
So I ran into the first friend I ever had at the store. Just moved back into town. His GF of 24 years said she was done, felt like roommates not working on fixing it and his daughter was recently diagnosed with MS. Life could be worse BL.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
BL42 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
LH19,
Originally Posted by LH19
Life could be worse BL.
Very true. My health, two great kids, good friends, a good career & finances...etc. There are a whole lot of positives.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Page 8 of 10 1 2 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard