As for 1 if you have a friend to do it that is the direction I would go with as it will be less stressful for you.
As for 2 any kind of mind reading is a waste of time as you have no idea his reasons. Be thankful he wants to spend time with his son. The number one thing that has blown my mind being divorced is how many men give up time to spend with their children.
As for 2 any kind of mind reading is a waste of time as you have no idea his reasons. Be thankful he wants to spend time with his son. The number one thing that has blown my mind being divorced is how many men give up time to spend with their children.
I am definitely guilty of mind reading. I have read the books, maybe I should just re-read and re-read them again. Thank you for the reminder. It does puzzle me how H is even able to think about being away from his son. H is usually very hands-on and very sentimental with our son, more so than me at times.
There are so many factors involved including emotions, brain chemicals etc.
A quick question for you. Do you consider yourself a control freak?
I would not categorise myself as a control freak now. Maybe when I was younger, but I believe as the years passed I learned to be OK with letting some control go.
Hmmm. That typically doesn’t change as we get older. I’m not judging I was too. The reason I ask because LBS that are control freaks have a really difficult time understanding they have absolutely zero control. Also if you were a control freak with your H and he has the power now he is not likely to give it up easily.
How did you remain positive in caring for your children while grieving for your own marriage?
It was very difficult for awhile. I went through a period of depression. Fortunately I have family in town who helped a great deal. Also getting out with friends and doing activities helped me get a lot more positive. I'm sure it's difficult being 6 months pregnant in a new country but maybe there's a pregnant/new moms group you could join for support and to make friends?
Originally Posted by AnnKay
And yes, he had been depressed and left me in the past, but this is all before we were married. So far, he had a good 8 years without showing symptoms of being depressed.
This was a missed red flag. You thought it was done or once you got married you'd be together for good, but these things often resurface and leaving you in the past was a sign of what might come in the future. Learn from it.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
H was always fussy about me and his phone, accusing me for not trusting him. I know now!
The WS often redirects the blame and projects their trust issues on their spouse.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
How was it possible for your wife to hide her affair despite you always having access to her phone?
Well she didn't hide it very well. I suspected almost immediately something was up and verified it very quickly. But she kept on doing it and we had a 4yo and 1yo at home so I was afraid at losing my family.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
It can sometimes feel to me now that H is finally truly happy and having the time of his life with the person he wants to be with, and I am at a dark corner struggling to survive.
He might be very happy...for now. Or he might be incredibly confused. If he struggles with depression and is having an affair on his pregnant wife chances are he's not going to run off into the sunset. It can seem like they're happy on the surface but really they're torn up on the inside.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
I am still thinking about this. I have spoken to a lawyer and was advised at the moment there will not be any complications. I am quite happy here, however, aside from not enough support system. My job is paying quite well and I do not think I will get something similar in the UK. I cannot bear the thought of restarting, at least for the time being. I also do not like the thought of moving my son to a place that is 'foreign' to him. He goes to day care and has a lot of friends from there, so I will hate him to miss out on that. I will probably go back for a period of time, maybe few months after the baby is born, but not sure if I will stay there longer.
Your son is very young and will adjust. I'm not saying you should move. I'm just saying you may have a window of opportunity to do so now whereas that could close in the future, so definitely weigh the pros and cons.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
1. I am supposed to have a Gestational Diabetes test that will normally take at least 2 hours this week or the next.
Ask a friend.
Originally Posted by AnnKay
We are coming into Labour Day long weekend, and I had loosely planned to do a girl’s staycation with some of my friends. My H has agreed to watch my son 2 days out of the 3 day weekend. I am now a bit unsure if this is too much, although he seemed to be happy to do it. I just fear that I am missing something here, otherwise, why would he suddenly be so agreeable?
Don't over think it. It's your son's father he can care for him for two days. Take the break you need and enjoy time with friends.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I guess in the context of the relationship, I was more of a control freak before we got married, and some of that spilled over into the marriage. I was more anxious when I was in University and had some counselling for it, but maybe that is how H always perceive me to be.
I understand what you are saying, though, and I do not doubt that losing some control of the relationship is making me feel anxious and insecure.
I do agree that there is some sort of power dynamic happening here where H feels like he needs to get more control. Ironically, H is the one who is OCD and diagnosed with anxiety.
The question is now, how do I practice letting go of the need to control more?
Relating to Ready2Change’s points, there are 2 things I really need H's help with but will value any input.
1. I am supposed to have a Gestational Diabetes test that will normally take at least 2 hours this week or the next. H has been difficult to pin down and despite 'committing' for a timeslot to take me there, he is still complaining that he is very busy. I am a bit fed up feeling like such a burden and although I am trying to be understanding, I am hesitating to just go with one of my friends or maybe on my own. It will be challenging on my own as I need to fast beforehand and because of my fainting, it will be best that I have someone there. Should I just go according to plan (with H), or just say that I am going to get someone else to go with? I am just afraid that he might see this as me being spiteful and not appreciative of is troubles, and might lead him to not be so helpful in the future.
2. I feel quite anxious in the weekends, because it’s normally the time when we spend as a family together. Because of this, I tend to plan one day to spend with close friends. I also feel like my son was starting to feel some dislike towards his Dad, so I see it as a bonding experience aside from it being great help to me. We are coming into Labour Day long weekend, and I had loosely planned to do a girl’s staycation with some of my friends. My H has agreed to watch my son 2 days out of the 3 day weekend. I am now a bit unsure if this is too much, although he seemed to be happy to do it. I just fear that I am missing something here, otherwise, why would he suddenly be so agreeable? Will he just think that I am doing this to get him away from OW, which would be pointless as I would not be physically there. Another part of me thinks that this is his responsibility, so he should step up.
Any perspective to all of this will be greatly appreciated. I just feel sometimes that I am overthinking and making things even more complicated for myself.
On #1, I will admit that I am torn. Normally I'd tell you to get someone else to help you BUT this is his child you are carrying too, so I can see why he would need to be the one to help you. I guess my advice is to let him take care of your son while you have a friend help you through the test.
On #2, when he is willing and wants to, let him be a dad to his son. I would suggest going with the original plan for the weekend. And in the future get a child care schedule set up. Many LBSs feel a lot better with coparenting in physical separation when there is a schedule in place.
Overthinking things is a common mistake. It usually goes something like: "I haven't heard from him in a few days, oh no, my situation is hopeless!" then "He is being agreeable, maybe he wants to come back!" As BL said, you cannot believe anything he says. So do not put a lot of value on his words. Actions speak louder than words. We've had LBSs here that hang on every word their WAS says, even though the WAS's actions are diametrically opposed to what they are saying. Trying to find an emotional evenness should be your goal, in fact that is detachment. Not reacting emotionally to his words or deeds.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The question is now, how do I practice letting go of the need to control more?
Simple in theory but harder to implement.
Take the focus off your H and put 100% into yourself, your son and your pregnancy. Do not contact your husband unless it has to do with the kids, pregnancy or business. Let him sit with what he is doing. That is your best course of action.
