I am not sure if this is the right forum for this but here we go. Apologies beforehand that this is going to be long. I have been following and reading different posts here and found lots of the discussion very helpful. I guess I was a little intimidated that I am not quite the expert in dealing with these things. A little background, H left me twice, first time in had a 2 month-long warning in July. He said he wanted to end things because he had been having a full blown A for about two years. I was blindsided. Things were normal between us. We have been trying for baby number 2 so I doubt he was sex deprived. Few months before this though, he felt a bit more distant and I brought it up. He just said he is tired, busy and stressed with work, and I know his work was getting a bit much, so I let it go then. We tried to work it out (mostly me). But BD mid-September.
After BD I went straight to full swing counselling, lawyer consultation, and DB coaching. Practiced all the detachment and stayed friendly as I need him to share the care of our 3 year old son. In October, I found out I was pregnant. I told him about it. He was cold and distant at first, and then suddenly, 19 October he came back. I asked him what this meant, and he said, well this will be permanent, he will never do this again and will want to be a family for real this time. He said the baby was a wake up call for him and he realised he wanted to comfort me, make me feel loved and he should be taking care of me. We spent the rest of the year and Christmas together and it did feel genuinely like we were starting (almost) fresh. I had a list of things he needed to do before he came back, including getting new wedding rings, getting counselling and getting psychologist for him. He struggled with depression and had often decided to leave me when he is depressed in the past. He has not been depressed since we moved to Australia where we live now, but God knows what is happening. He also assured me he was no longer talking to OW, although was still unwilling to show his phone.
In January, I posted a pregnancy announcement on Instagram. Around midnight he just suddenly said he had to go to the OW’s place because she is threatening suicide when she found out I was pregnant through instagram. We were not friends. She pretended to be someone else through a spoof account. He was shaking and really insisted he had to go. He assured me everything was going to be ok and he loves me. H was only gone less than an hour but I felt something was off. He admitted that he was lying about not contacting her.
All through the week, H was acting funny. I confronted him when he appeared to be texting and he just bursted to confession/guilt tripping me. He said everything from blaming me for being pregnant, that all this mess would not have happened if I just would let him go to begin with (like yeah, the obvious fault of the H cheating on his wife never occured to him). H just turned completely vile, accusing me of not letting him be with who he wanted to be with, and the most stupid remark was “everybody else has got a divorce, why can’t I?” followed by “when I was growing up, I wished my Dad just had a divorce instead of dead.” His Dad died of sudden heart attack nearby where he lived. I bet he would not be happy hearing that.
I let him have whatever word he wanted by then because I know he is talking out of his a**. He left on 9 Jan and went straight to living with OW. I was 4 months pregnant then. We remained friendly until again, a week after OW found new Instagram posts I posted that happened to have H and his son. She effectively banned him from coming and seeing her son. I was so angry at H for letting himself get dictated by OW and just said not to see us or contact us because I am disappointed of how much he is letting himself get influenced to treat his son. We did not see each other although he texted lots, all mostly ignored by me. I felt happy and at peace then, but I was so tired having to be pregnant and dealing with a toddler and a full time job. I do not have much support here in Australia as we moved here from England and it is very full on. At the time family and friends were mostly caught in the covid travel restrictions and could not come to be with me. I was so anxious I could not even eat, and being pregnant it took a toll. I ended up having fainting episodes and having to told to rest by doctor, so I had no choice but to get in touch with H again for son’s care. He did come and help do daycare pick ups and drop offs and getting groceries but I was so disgusted to see him I ended up taking refuge at one of my friends house for few days while he stayed in the house to take care of my son.
After I came back he started to text bomb me, flirting and saying how much he misses me every five minutes. For a week or so I must have received around 100 texts a day from him, even on the times and days that he was supposed to be with OW. I confronted him and asked him what does he want. He said he wished he could be with me and happy but it was not that simple (and it was simpler to leave his pregnant wife and toddler?). He stoped texting as often after this conversation.
I know I should have practised more DB the time when he came back and more of detachment now, but sometimes I feel that different approach could help? I just sometimes feel lost and there is not a lot of GAL in I can do 6 months pregnant.
I do worry whether he will want to be back for the birth as we are away from family here in Australia. also not sure if he has MLC at the moment, as he just does not feel like the person I chose to marry all these times.
Any input or advice here will be very welcome!
H 46 W (me) 39 Together 12 years Married 8 Years Son 3 6 months pregnant with D BD early July 2021 finally left 15/09/2021 came back 19/10/2021 left 2nd time 9/01/2022
Boy that is a tough read. Your H is gone for now though he will likely flip flop for awhile. My suggestion to you is to take the focus 100% of your H at least until the baby is born. I know easy said then done. You are at high risk as it is and need to take care of yourself through the pregnancy. Take his help with your son when you can get it. Otherwise get as much space from your husband as possible. Don’t worry about the term MLC as it changes nothing.
Thanks, LH. I appreciate you reading through my extra long post. It is a little hard to take focus 100% off of H as he does still send mixed signals now and then. I do also need him to help out with baby prep and it is painful to see him home. I just do not understand what he expects and why he could do this, which is why I just thought of MLC because the signs are there. I know from reading other posts and forums and all the helpful posts everyone has been making in this board that a lot of people say this, but invasion of body snatcher is real! This person who just abandoned me is not the person I married. The person I married used to cry at work when he is away from his son and send me flowers whenever he is away from me (from wherever in the world he might be).
Yes they change because I’m sure the husband you married would never walk out on you while you were pregnant. Ok so let’s say you are correct MLC. Nothing changes. He’s giving you mixed signals because he’s tormented. That’s why I say he will likely flip flop. Maybe he could pick up your S sometimes to give you a break?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 07:23 AM. Me-67, D35,S34
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, LH for this. A part of me wants him to suffer. greatly.
Originally Posted by LH19
AnnKay,
He’s giving you mixed signals because he’s tormented. That’s why I say he will likely flip flop. Maybe he could pick up your S sometimes to give you a break?
Are you saying he is just sending mixed signals because he is feeling guilty? I am not sure how to feel positive most of the time, at least for the moment. At this point I know I am not in the strongest position because I will need him throughout the end of pregnancy, birth and post birth.
Originally Posted by LH19
Annkay,
My suggestion to you is to take the focus 100% of your H at least until the baby is born.
Logically he knows it’s a dirtbag move. Emotionally he wants to be with other women. Emotions usually win out.
I am still puzzled as to how to act. Is this really 'it'? that this marriage is really over? If he is only driven with emotions (from what I read about affairs) would this feeling of his not then wear off after a while?
Ann, sorry you are going through this and at such an emotionally difficult time as while being pregnant.
Ann, I will admit I'm a little confused. So he lives with OW. He stopped seeing his son because she forbade it, this upset you greatly. He only came back to care for son due to health issues you were experiencing. So what is the advice you are seeking? To get him to come home?
If that is what the are looking to make happen, I think you need to adjust your expectations. It is pretty clear from what you wrote what he wants. He wants to be with OW, he wants a divorce , but he also wants you sitting and pining for him so that he can come back anytime he wants.
Your best way forward is to just start moving forward without him. If he starts love bombing you again I'd suggest shutting it down with a simple: "Actions speak louder than words. You can't flirt text with me yet remain with OW. You've made your choice, stop doing this." I'm sure part of you liked the text bombing, but making yourself available for that kind of thing will not get you where you want to be.
Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? I'd highly suggest it if not. I'd also suggest you start focusing on yourself. Your pregnancy and staying healthy should be your focus. I'd also set your expectation that he won't be at the delivery. A man that is willing to give up his son for the OW can't be counted on to be there for the birth of this child.
You talk about not having much of a support system. Is there anyone, a sister, mom, friend anyone that could come stay with you through the birth? You mention a friend you stayed with, is this someone that can help through this time? My point with this is that I'm not sure your H can be counted on. Remember, likely future behavior can be determined by past relevant behavior. If OW won't let him see his son, I'm not sure she will support him helping through the rest of this pregnancy. So I'd start planning without him. If he ends up making himself available you can adjust accordingly.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi Ann. So sorry this is happening when you are in such a vulnerable position.
How do you act? Honestly, there is no good answer to that question because an answer would imply that how you act is going to be the thing that decides the outcome of your marriage. From what I have observed over the past four years of being in this community of people is that there is nothing you can really do to change what your H is doing. So my advice would be to try to act in a way that a year from now, regardless of the state of your marriage, you will be able to look back on how things went and be proud of how you conducted yourself.
When people talk about taking the focus off of your H, they mean to not make decisions for your wellbeing based on his behaviour or do things to try to manipulate him into coming back. That would most likely backfire on you. The reality is that, right now, he is gone and you can’t count on him for anything. Your H may be there for you when you need him, but he may not be so you shouldn’t plan for that. Do you have any friends or family members who can be there for the birth of your child and provide you with some support afterwards so you are not on your own?
Is your marriage really over? It is for now. No one knows the future. Your H is clearly conflicted though, so he will continue to give you mixed messages. Do not allow those messages to change the things you need to do for yourself. There is a saying on here that really applies to your situation… If your H is truly serious about wanting to come back, you will know it. If he isn’t serious about it, you will be confused. Another one that applies… believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does. If you keep those two things in mind, you will be okay.
Keep posting. It does help over the long term to have people to talk to who have been in your shoes. Again…really sorry this is happening to you at such a stressful time. (((HUGS)))
