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Originally Posted by AndrewP
My now xW talked about that as a concern of her's post bomb-day that she knew that if I let someone go that that door was then closed and she didn't want that to happen. She had a vision like many that we would be able to be civil and friendly going forward. Nope.

So if I am reading this correctly your XW wanted to be friends with you post divorce but you shot it down??

Originally Posted by AndrewP
And she doesn't communicate in any fashion with me nor I with her beyond the one sentence statement each month on her monthly payment as to what number it is. I have a bit of curiosity about her life and hope she's thriving but don't intrude. It would be rude to do so. And politeness and manners are important to me.
But then here it sounds like you are interested in being apart of her life but you believe it to be rude to intrude? Sounds like a friendship would work on both ends and probably benefit the kids. Something definitely to think about.

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Politeness and manners are important to you...........that is the commonality between Canadians and Southerners, apparently. Our Southern mamas taught us to say please and thank you and yes ma'am and no ma'am. I still do it and it is increasingly more difficult in this modern age of having to be PC about a person's pronoun preference. Though I haven't encountered an issue yet, I have more than once said yes or no ma'am to someone who outwardly presents as a woman only to chastise myself later that maybe that person didn't want to be called ma'am, but I guess that is on me and not anyone else.

Anyway, I digress, but politeness and manners is just one of your many wonderful qualities. wink


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
Though I haven't encountered an issue yet, I have more than once said yes or no ma'am to someone who outwardly presents as a woman only to chastise myself later that maybe that person didn't want to be called ma'am, but I guess that is on me and not anyone else.
I remember my mother introducing me to one of her friends as "Mrs ...." when I was in my 30s. I'm sure she would reassemble her ashes and give me a good talking to if I were rude.

One of my daughter's best friends happens to be trans. Their preferred pronoun is "them" / "they". Nice kid. I struggled a bit at first and once referred to them as "dude". It can be tough though as some kids will look a bit androgynous (kid being anyone under the age of 35)

One of my favourite stories I had thought was about our 13th Prime Minister - the Right Honourable John George Diefenbaker - one of the best leaders of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition who should never have been Prime Minister.

It turned out that I was wrong that it was another Member from Saskatchewan who did this.

Drummond Clancy:
- Mr Speaker, would it be out of order if I called the Honorable Member a son-of-a-bitch?

The Speaker nodded.

"I thought so" said Clancy, and sat down.



I still do the story with my Diefenbaker impersonation though. laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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I don’t wish my ex ill, and have just mild curiosity about his life, mostly as it affects my kids. (“ oh he had Covid and didn’t mention it to them? He was hospitalized for an infected skin biopsy and didn’t mention it to them? Weird.”)

But no, I have zero desire to be friends with him or to communicate with him. If I’d had a friend who treated me the way he did, lied and betrayed me, trash talked me to the kids after our divorce (because I dared to actually collect my more than fair alimony), and treated my kids badly, I wouldn’t communicate with them either. It’s a healthy boundary to keep toxic gaslighters out of your life, and luckily those of us with adult children are only rarely forced to interact with our exes.

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Originally Posted by kml
But no, I have zero desire to be friends with him or to communicate with him. If I’d had a friend who treated me the way he did, lied and betrayed me, trash talked me to the kids after our divorce (because I dared to actually collect my more than fair alimony), and treated my kids badly, I wouldn’t communicate with them either. It’s a healthy boundary to keep toxic gaslighters out of your life, and luckily those of us with adult children are only rarely forced to interact with our exes.
When it comes to personal relationships it is important to love and value yourself so you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Though I haven't encountered an issue yet, I have more than once said yes or no ma'am to someone who outwardly presents as a woman only to chastise myself later that maybe that person didn't want to be called ma'am, but I guess that is on me and not anyone else.
I remember my mother introducing me to one of her friends as "Mrs ...." when I was in my 30s. I'm sure she would reassemble her ashes and give me a good talking to if I were rude.

One of my daughter's best friends happens to be trans. Their preferred pronoun is "them" / "they". Nice kid. I struggled a bit at first and once referred to them as "dude". It can be tough though as some kids will look a bit androgynous (kid being anyone under the age of 35)

I have a niece (who was born a nephew, but recently came out as trans) and making that switch has been a bit difficult, not because I don't honor her choice, but just because all of her life (and we've always been very close) she's been Bill (not her real dead name) and now all of a sudden she's Sally (not her real trans name). I'm just trying to remember to say she and use the right name because I adore her and want her to know I support and love her, but I will be honest and say that I sometimes slip and say he or use the dead name more out of habit than anything. Her partner is a female who she met as her former self and they have stayed together. The partner prefers they/them and I have trouble with that too mainly because habit, but I'm working to break it. I think that is why I'm sensitive to it when I say yes sir or yes ma'am to someone, not really knowing what they prefer. But it seems weird to just say yes and not add the sir or ma'am because of the whole polite thing. I probably WAY overthink the whole thing honestly because that is just who I am.

Can we just stop this crazy world so I can get the h3ll off?????????????????

As far as the discussion about being friends with exes, I have NO desire to be friends with my XH. I don't know what he's doing and absolutely do not care at all. The girls will occasionally tell me stuff and I'm not really sure why because the one who does it the most will tell me something then immediately apologize for telling me and I don't know if it is because she needs reassurance that I don't wish a horrible death on him or whatever. (I don't, for the record..........) Apparently he had a huge health scare a few months ago and they shared that with me and I just listened and told them that was too bad and went on about my life. I didn't dwell and neither did they. But, honestly, if it weren't for them, I couldn't care less if he lived to be 100 or dropped dead next week because he's just a non-issue in my life anymore. As the Gotye song says, he's just somebody I used to know.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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The pronouns are so hard! Took me a couple years to stop making mistakes with my trans son.

Quote
he's just somebody I used to know.

That’s exactly how I feel about my ex now. Took a while to get there, but I’ve been there for a number of years now. Or better - someone I used to THINK I knew.

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Originally Posted by Dawn70
I couldn't care less if he lived to be 100 or dropped dead next week because he's just a non-issue in my life anymore.
Holy smokes Dawn. Dropped dead tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Dawn70
I couldn't care less if he lived to be 100 or dropped dead next week because he's just a non-issue in my life anymore.
Holy smokes Dawn. Dropped dead tomorrow.

Well I said next week, actually……

But my point was, I care about him as far as the girls are concerned because he’s their dad and I love them so I would feel bad for them if something happened to him because it would be hard for them. For me, personally, though, our lives have gone on separately from each other as though we never existed in each other’s worlds so his disappearance from mine wouldn’t affect me beyond “oh how sad” and feeling bad for the girls and his family. I know it sounds harsh but that’s how I deal with people who play with my emotions. I cut them out completely. Not terribly healthy, probably, but it is what it is. I do think it is easier for me to be that way since we never had children together. I love the girls as though they were mine but I didn’t have a hand in creating them with him so I probably feel differently toward him than people who are divorced from the person they had babies with, if that makes any sense at all.

As far as I’m concerned, he fired me from giving a d@mn about him as a man when he screwed someone else while we were married, lied to my face repeatedly about it, then proclaimed her to be the love of his life 2 weeks after our divorce was final and then had the audacity to lie to me again and say she was just a friend who was going to be his roommate so he could get a “fresh start”. Mmmmmhmmmmmm…..and I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona I’d love to sell ya.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Amen Dawn!

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