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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by LH19
Take your time. I would wait a year if I were you. You have young kids and I think you still need time to process the end of your marriage.

This is the question BL, do you think you have fully processed the end of your marriage yet?

We are on basically the same timeline so curious as to where you are at. Everyone is different of course. I think I have, but then perhaps maybe I didn't love my W as much as I think I did.
Based on what I read I feel Bent is ahead of BL. I think Bent now realizes his marriage wasn't that great and has pretty much moved on. BL I still don't think you are convinced and have moved on. Ginger hates to see you emotionally unavailable guys out there taking up her valuable time. BL there is no rush so take your time.

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yes LH, is correct. Emotionally available women do get frustrated with emotionally unavailable men in the dating world. I did date briefly this summer a recently divorced guy with a 3 and a 5 year old and 50:50 custody. I liked him the most out of all my dates, but he wasn’t in a place to date for real.

I do understand where you are coming from. I tried to date and failed when my daughter was little. I didn’t have enough to give all around with all the changes in my life and my daughters . Things had to settle first and for me, it was a while, because I had most custody, had to change jobs a bunch of times to make it work and I had no help. I got involved kn some unhealthy situations with men out of the loneliness and I regret that .

I do admire that you have enough self awareness right now to know this is a big change for the little ones that takes adjusting and also that you couldn’t put what you would need to into dating and a relationship.

Your time will come, and don’t worry, I’m a rarity and you won’t end up like me. I’m in the 2% of the single after so many years

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Forgive the lengthy post, but thought a lot about these comments...

kml,
Originally Posted by kml
Could be you're not ready to add the complication of dating - or could just be the pheromones are wrong. Sometimes someone looks great for us on paper but the attraction just isn't there. Maybe just give it time, if you see her in more settings with friends your feelings might change - or you might pick up more obvious red flags.
Good post, lots to think about. I'll give it time and see what happens. As LH says, no rush. Part of it might be she does not have kids and although she's good with kids (works in an elementary school) and has told friends she thinks mine are cute and I'm a great dad, I wonder if anyone without kids can really appreciate how hard it is and actually understand what they'd be getting in to.

Originally Posted by kml
Although I'm at a completely different stage of life than you (65, adult children, boyfriend recently died) I imagine we both would be happy right now with someone who we saw occasionally but weren't in a full time relationship with. That's probably WAY easier for me to find than for you in your age bracket. But who knows - another woman whose custody schedule matches up with yours and whose children are her primary focus, might be available for the occsional night out or weekend without kids?
That would be nice, though suspect you're right it's more difficult at my age. I did reach out to two single moms I kind of know who are attractive and good moms and thought might be a good bit, but didn't get interest reciprocated.

Originally Posted by kml
Hopefully as the pandemic lifts, those soccer parents will start having parties you could attend where you might meet single women.
Agreed! Wouldn't that be nice (not just the single women but the living life again).

LH19/OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by LH19
Take your time. I would wait a year if I were you. You have young kids and I think you still need time to process the end of your marriage.
This is the question BL, do you think you have fully processed the end of your marriage yet

Instead of responding immediately, I reflected a good bit on this question last night. The simple answer is I don't know.

I've made a lot of progress certainly. Have I fully processed it? Probably not. But then has anyone have completely healed from such a significant pain? There's always a scar even after it heals, and though that scar fades with time it's never 100% gone.

My neighbor is the epidemy of a quality man...smart, kind, generous, hard working, thoughtful, stable, dependable, good career, great family man...etc. Just about everything you'd want in a father, husband, or neighbor. Two decades ago or more his wife had affairs and split up his family. He was crushed and spinning. Ended up meeting up w/the wife of OM (who happened to be my neighbor). She was also a quality woman and great mother while her husband was running all over town. The two of them ended up getting together, remarrying, and have a wonderful relationship, whereas their Exs did not stay together and bounced around to other people, and her ExH is now in legal trouble for some financials he previously was involved with. Anyway, the point I'm getting at is despite the new great file I know there are still times two decades later when my neighbor has emotions and hurts related to what happened (though few and far between). He's talked to me a little bit about my situation but even more so I just know he empathizes with me and is there to help. I get comfort in knowing he understands what I'm going through and is there if needed.

From the perspective of the five stages of grief...I had some denial at first (thinking it wasn't as serious of an issue and we'd work through it), bargaining (begging and pleading and offering concessions to ExW), certainly a long period of depression after the denial wore off and the bargaining wasn't working. However, I believe I've found acceptance. There is an occasion time or two it seems surreal that I'm divorced when I see a situation much worse than what I perceived mine to be where the couple is together and/or worked through it. But in general I accept I am divorced and am working on making my new normal the best it can be. Where I have been spinning lately is anger at ExW, OM2, and ExMIL - think I've been pretty open and honest about that on my thread - and working through it, though I tend to post more when I have struggles than when things are good (and they mostly are), so maybe that biases things.

In terms of my feelings to ExW, I'm not pining over or longing for for in any way. She's a very physically attractive person and always was, so there are times when I see her when I have that initial feeling, but with the way she betrayed me and lied to me and treated me (and our kids) I'm honestly not attracted to her in any way - more annoyed and repulsed at the need to deal with her, though I do deal with her and am cordial if not friendly in our interactions for the kids' sake. But I have no desire to R, even though I still lament the lost of our nuclear family.

So overall I think I've accepted the divorce & end of my marriage and am working towards making my new normal great, but admittedly need to work on the brief periods of anger I still feel.

Hopefully that makes sense - not sure if others here get that same sense or disagree.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
We are on basically the same timeline so curious as to where you are at. Everyone is different of course. I think I have, but then perhaps maybe I didn't love my W as much as I think I did.
Originally Posted by LH19
Based on what I read I feel Bent is ahead of BL. I think Bent now realizes his marriage wasn't that great and has pretty much moved on. BL I still don't think you are convinced and have moved on.
Not sure how to measure who's "ahead". He's dated decent amount; I haven't. He mentioned recently going out to dinner with his ExW and son, which I'm not ready to do. So he certainly could be a bit ahead of me in the journey. Though I'd say it's not a race and the two of us seemed to have progress fairly well overall considering.

In terms of my marriage I definitely had frustrations at times over SSM and kids nutrition/screen time disagreement so perhaps some resentment built up. Our kids were also young and never slept well so we were tired and not focused on each other as much as we should. But we had a pretty good life IMO and I don't think there's a single marriage or LTR which doesn't have any friction, so overall I thought we were above average. Obviously ExW didn't feel the same and blew things up. I was willing to work on things as soon as she mentioned any major concern, but apparently it was too late at that point. Perhaps I still have some rose colored glasses, don't know, but we didn't fight much and went on vacations and had good family and friend support and great finances a good house and cars and lots of great memories, so definitely didn't seem like a marriage that couldn't be saved and go on to a long happy life together if she was willing. But she wasn't. I've accepted that.

LH19/Ginger1,
Originally Posted by LH19
Ginger hates to see you emotionally unavailable guys out there taking up her valuable time. BL there is no rush so take your time.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
yes LH, is correct. Emotionally available women do get frustrated with emotionally unavailable men in the dating world.
Am I emotionally unavailable? I honestly don't know. Don't think I've had a chance to find out yet, as I've only gone on one date and a hookup 9 months ago. I'm certainly not pining over my Ex and think I could open up to the right person, but perhaps I'm still raw and could use more time - probably won't know for sure until I start going on more dates.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I did date briefly this summer a recently divorced guy with a 3 and a 5 year old and 50:50 custody. I liked him the most out of all my dates, but he wasn’t in a place to date for real.
Sounds like a good guy, but I can certainly relate to how the little ones make it difficult.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I do admire that you have enough self awareness right now to know this is a big change for the little ones that takes adjusting and also that you couldn’t put what you would need to into dating and a relationship.
Thanks :-) I certainly pride myself in being a fantastic father and making the kiddos my priority. That wouldn't surprise anyone pre-BD/D either, though it's even gotten more focus/clarity since (if possible).

It's hard for me to imagine how I'd not make my kids #1 at this point and actually integrate a family. Even though ExW seems to have done that with OM2 it seems like it'd be disruptive for me to do it regardless. Maybe that's my own hang up, but a consideration in dating. Obviously that won't be anytime soon and at this point there's plenty of time to worry about it.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
Your time will come, and don’t worry, I’m a rarity and you won’t end up like me. I’m in the 2% of the single after so many years
I think part of my spin is how seemingly quickly and easily ExW merged OM2 into a "one big family family" with my kids and her mom and his sister...etc., whereas I haven't even been out on multiple dates with anyone. I'm sure you empathize therewith your Ex & OW and a 6 month old baby. Feels unfair our Exs just stepped into a new situation so seamlessly.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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That guy was a nice guy. But he didn’t want to put in effort. He just wanted to spend time at his convenience . That doesn’t work for me.

You know how I always post it drives me crazy when guys say “my kids are my number one priority?” I’ll explain that. Everyone’s kids should be their number one priority. It goes without saying. A lot of people are under the assumption that when dating as a single parent, the kids would have to get kicked out that position. Not at all! It’s finding the time and learning to balance dating on a priority list . How to learn how to give both emotionally and time wise to both dating/ a partner and your children. It’s not easy! It’s a real challenge. But totally doable. When you don’t have the kids, do you want to give a fair amount of energy to dating? If you are partnered up, will they be somewhere on the priority list when the kids are with the other parent ? When you are with the kids, can you make time for some contact?

I remember with M , On his non kid time, he prioritized a lot of stuff before our relationship. Should I be #1 all the time ? Absolutely not! We both had lives and hobbies. But he would put that stuff before special events that were important to me.

I’ve dated a lot of guys who use the “my kids are my number one priority” to have an out of effort and commitment. That’s not cool with me. They also tend to forget I have a child too and I manage to prioritize .

In conclusion, you never have to take your kids off the priority list. You just have to learn how to work it all in.

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The most important thing before dating is to be sure you are really DONE with your ex - that you wouldn't take them back even if they came crawling back. It's just not fair to date people and then end up reconciling. But it sounds like you are safely there.

As for the schoolteacher - the thing I'd be most concerned about it, does she want children? And if you did date a woman who wanted to have kids, would you be open to it? If not - if you feel yours are enough and you don't want to father more kids - you should avoid dating childless women unless they make it clear they have never wanted to have kids.

And please, don't introduce your kids to your dates until you've been dating at least 6 months and are pretty sure it is going somewhere. Kids don't need to go through the process of getting emotionally attached and then experiencing another loss when the relationship breaks up.

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Originally Posted by BL42
I wonder if anyone without kids can really appreciate how hard it is and actually understand what they'd be getting in to.
When you ask someone on a date, all they're getting into is a date with you!

Are you imagining a new nuclear family? Your kids have a mom already. As for if you and she hit it off, what role she may play in your kids' lives, that depends on how they hit it off. Wolfman noted his D accepted his XW's BF but didn't accept his GF. It was unfair as he said, but there was nothing he could do to force the dynamic. After he got his GF got pregnant and he moved her in permanently, his D moved out permanently. Post-D families can look different. Flexibility is needed.

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Originally Posted by kml
As for the schoolteacher - the thing I'd be most concerned about it, does she want children?
Fair point. I had a childless GF for 5yrs beginning a year after my divorce. Both our profiles said, "Maybe" for more kids. 2 years in she wanted them. Within a month I said "No". She broke up with me for a summer before she came to terms with it and returned for 3 years. We owe honesty. Dating someone who may later want kids can work but can cause drama.

Originally Posted by kml
please, don't introduce your kids to your dates until you've been dating at least 6 months and are pretty sure it is going somewhere. Kids don't need to go through the process of getting emotionally attached and then experiencing another loss when the relationship breaks up.
I agree we should avoid getting our kids emotionally attached to someone you've only dated a short time. It was bizarre when Steve_ (newcomers) had his kids giving presents to his GF of 1 month?! I've revisited not introducing them for 6mo. It's nice to see how they interact, and a single 1-2hr encounter together isn't going to get them attached. I haven't worked out how much contact is appropriate to avoid attachment--whether that's every 6 weeks or whatever. Figuring it out.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
I agree we should avoid getting our kids emotionally attached to someone you've only dated a short time. It was bizarre when Steve_ (newcomers) had his kids giving presents to his GF of 1 month?! I've revisited not introducing them for 6mo. It's nice to see how they interact, and a single 1-2hr encounter together isn't going to get them attached. I haven't worked out how much contact is appropriate to avoid attachment--whether that's every 6 weeks or whatever. Figuring it out.
Uuuummm wasn't your "girlfriend" of 3 weeks just hanging out with your kids?

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Yes, as I stated above--
Originally Posted by LH19
I've revisited not introducing them for 6mo. It's nice to see how they interact, and a single 1-2hr encounter together isn't going to get them attached. I haven't worked out how much contact is appropriate to avoid attachment--whether that's every 6 weeks or whatever. Figuring it out.

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Ah I misread. You are creating a new narrative.

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