As promised LH - an update (((and please know that all things in my previous threads and this thread are true... no reason to make up sh*t... life is crazy enough)))
So I'm officially D for 4 months now. XH never got an atty. We had been having sex on and off since the beginning of August so no reason to not be amicable. It got too cold for any additional car rendezvous but none the less he would drive an hour each way to have amazing sex and then shower together or relax in the jacuzzi bath. He would always get more distant and a little cold before leaving, but always came back to kiss me before he drove away.
Once the D was done, then the REAL paperwork started. Again, because he had no atty we would just meet at mine. I even had him pick me up as my car was in the shop and we literally drove together to sign title and qdro docs. When at the atty's office I caught him checking me out!!! LOL!!! We left and he was going to drop me off but missed the turn - I was confused. I mean he hasn't lived here for 1 1/2 years but surely he did not forget the way to my house. I looked at him and was like, uhm, you missed the turn. He just responded that he was going to take me to breakfast. Oh, ok.
So at breakfast we continued to talk about anything and everything. It seemed like we were there forever waiting on our check but turns out it had been at the table and he was drawing out breakfast. During breakfast I had mentioned my sadness at the high rise condos they were building in my small town and how I felt it would detract from our small town feel, so on the way out I just pointed across the street the obvious new construction/blight. We left breakfast and he deliberately drove out of his way to go check out this new construction up close... ok.
As we got closer to my home he asked "what's that?". I replied the new tennis courts for the high school... ohh... and suddenly taking a left instead of a right to take me home. We are now on a Sunday drive through a town he really hated when he left. I remained pleasant and went with the flow. Then XH states he needs this thing and a fireplace shop would have it - is there a fireplace shop in town. I tell him there used to be and google it and give him the info.
At this point we are right near my house... and he drives right on by. Now we are going to the fireplace shop. I'm not sure why this is turning into such a drawn out day. Eventually the car place calls and my vehicle is ready for pick up so I just have him drop me off there.
I try to go about my day and literally 1hr later he is calling me. Trying to talk about this farm in bankruptcy that he put in a bid on but lost. I listened and validated. Even went so far to tell him that 6acres will not make him happy and that he should hold out for bigger property. He continued to talk and finally I said "hey, I'm stopping at work to get some paperwork done. I've got to go" and ended the call.
I truly have no idea why he was hanging on so much. I had to go to the West Coast for work for 5 days and he texted a lot! He knows I have friends that live there AND my bestie (who is male) was flying out to hang with me in the evenings. I would get texts from the day I left "have a good flight", "how was your flight", "what are you doing tonight"... every day he texted and even sent d*c pics... LOL.
I got home and he continues to text randomly through the day, my feet hurt, [sends selfie] does this look like pink eye, he would ask - how was your day, long discussions on what wine goes with brownies, co-workers, links to properties he was interested in, funny memes, etc. He would find excuses to make the 1hr drive each way for sex.
He was supposed to come one morning to leave another check and work on more paperwork but texted and asked to come the next day. I just agreed and didn't even ask why and went about my day. He texted later saying he had forgot his family dinner was the next day and could he instead come tonight. I told him I had plans... he asked what they were. I was honest and stated I was going to X Bar (we used to go together)... he asked if there was something going on there that night. I said -nope just needed a drink and was craving some good bar food. I have no idea what got into me but I ended up texting "hey if you and your pink eye want to join me at X bar tonight that would be fine". However, before he replied I had to text back "oops my bad, I just got asked to go to X instead, have a great night". I mean I really have no idea if he was going to join me at the bar or not so I just went with the plans I wanted.
Then more texting from him. "almost bought an AR today". Me - "Oh? You've been wanting one for sometime maybe you should just pull the trigger, LOL" And, I asked questions like so, you went to a gun show today instead of coming to the house? And we texted for a bit and then I was like - so I have to get going have a great night.
Only to be greeted the next day with more texts asking to come over. I said I'm not really up for it. To be honest I need more out of this than I'm getting. He needs to step up and do some of the light household chores I asked if he would do - and agreed but has yet to do so. One of which is just screwing the dishwasher back into the countertop - like 10min. Or, I said he needs to give me more of his time like staying the night. So I really pushed back on letting him come over. Then he called me on the guise he was out to buy dog food and texting was difficult. So we chatted about anything and everything. Next thing I know we've been on the phone for an hour and he is in my driveway. UGH... I don't look bad but its Sunday, no shower and sweats day...
He comes in and we take a very long bath together... continue chatting... rubbing each other's feet. Then we end up in the shower. And, then sex nearly everywhere in the house. Its all great and he is super into me until its time to leave. I realize he can't spend the night - the dog is at his house, he works tomorrow, etc and I don't push. He pulls out some paperwork that could have been mailed or emailed. He is businesslike. I eventually walk him to the door. He leaves but then turns and comes back to kiss me goodbye.
There is always a bit of a pullback when he leaves. I never expect to hear from him immediately. I came down with COVID and life is hard enough living alone but when you are really really sick it completely bites. I have no family in the area. I had about 3 really rough days and I got very needy. I really pushed my XH. And, I got the expected "I don't care about you or what you do, its none of my business, you want to impress me then go find a new guy". I mean I get it. He was feeling pushed and reacted defensively. But, its quite clear from all the texts asking me about my day, etc in the last 4months that he does care some. He could not leave me alone on my trip because he knew I was with someone.
I won't lie - it did hurt to see him type those words. But, I'm not letting it phase me. He's really pulled back again so I'm just giving him time and space while living my own life.
2 days after his rant he texted me that he received tax docs that I need at his house. I told him thank you for letting me know and he could just mail it to me. He never agreed to mail them... and its been 3 weeks and he still hasn't mailed them. I don't know if he is holding on to them as an excuse to make the drive or what. Not really focusing on it. Not really caring at the moment.
Drum Roll Please.....
After not a peep for 11months, pilot texts me at Thanksgiving. WHAT? I waited a couple of days before I responded... he then took a couple of days to get back to me. I'm not really sure if this is friendship or if he is interested in something else.
We just text on and off for a month. Its his busy season so I truly did not expect to see him. It was about 5 weeks before he asked me out of a drink but he was out of town so it was another week before he locked me down on a date and time. He knew I was out of state for a family thing that day but it was not a problem for me to leave early to meet him for drinks. I would be home at X time. When I got home I texted him - got a kind of crabby response so I just said so we are not meeting for drinks tonight - we set this up 2 days ago? Got an even crabbier response so I just said "Hey, I get it your tired. Get some rest and we will do this some other time".
It took a couple more weeks but he did ask me out for dinner. Dinner was ok. It was good to see him and I'm clearly still attracted to him.
What I'm realizing during all these weeks of texting and dinner and then looking at our past history is that this man is a very odd duck. In the past because of my recent betrayal trauma with my XH I had internalized all his complaints and made then 100% my fault. I really wrecked myself over this guy and my perceived failings and mistakes.
I started accepting this guy for who he is and that if I'm going to date him I'm going to have to make allowances for some odd behaviors/expectations. I raised a kid on the spectrum so I'm well versed in quirks and accommodations!
We had our second date which I think was lovely. He picked up me and there was lots of conversation. I knew I was not ready for sex and frankly I'm not even sure what he thinks about me as our first date was very vanilla. I was about to give up but he did kiss me goodnight 3 times before he left... YEAH!
He was pretty quiet the next week and while he did not initiate texts he would respond to mine. I only text every 3 days. I would ask about his week or send a funny meme that turned into a longer joke back and forth for a few days.
I was hoping he would ask me out this weekend and on Friday he texted "when can I play with X" ((throw back to the meme from this week)). I replied I'm free on Saturday but I'm looking for more than a hook up. He gets back to me the next day "No one said anything about a hook up. I want to give you multiple O's"
Wow... great! Still about sex and I'm not there yet... frack.
I stated "Well I don't ever want to say no to that! Physical attraction is great but I really need emotional and intellectual attraction as well. Like what was the weirdest thing this week or what something you want to do this year."
UGH, not well received. His response was he goes to work a week at a time, comes home exhausted and drained and doesn't want to answer 50questions just to stimulate someone. That if someone can't answer the door with a drink and nothing on and wait a day before a barrage of questions then its not for me. Call me pig or whatever I don't want to be interrogated to get into the door or for sex.
HOLY DUCKING WHAT????
I will admit my timing was terrible. He's been night flying and just got home on Friday and he had something to attend Saturday morning. So not only is he tired but his sleep schedule is off. So I can see from his previous behaviors that he truly needs some down time when he back in town. I can respect that.
But, he of all people knows that I have no problem driving across town nearly naked and showing up at his front door.
Many people would not respond and part of me was definitely not into responding. But, I get my timing was bad. I simply stated. "I understand. I apologize. I did not mean to add to an already stressful week. Showing up a door with a cocktail and nothing on is fun and easy enough if it puts a smile on you face. I just wanted to get to know you. I'm sorry I made you feel interrogated."
Its becoming very clear why he has been single for so long and perhaps because he has been single for so long he [censored] when it comes to relationships.
A year ago I would have internalized all this to mean there was something wrong with me and would have word vomited all over him.
This is his issue.
I get it. Its hard being gone a week at a time. Different time zones. Dealing with COVID rules. Just trying to find a decent meal with shut down and most places dealing with low staff not to mention having elderly parents and pets with issues while you are on an opposite coast is stressful. I'm completely empathetic. When you are exhausted you want things to be easy and not stressful. I get that too. BUT, I also have a job and life stress.
I have no idea if I will hear from him again. I will not chase him.
I'm super busy with work and travel. I started getting into pet friendly hotels and traveling with my 100lb dog. We did a short trip. He gets anxious and is not a fan of elevators! I brought drugs so that helped. I'm hoping this summer to plan a trip with him while I do some underground kayaking and then maybe some hiking with him. I'm getting better at the ukulele... slowly... I leave in less than 2 weeks for a week long vaca where a friend is going to meet up with me.
There you have it!!! My lovely messy life!!
Last edited by job; 02/20/2209:00 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
WTF? Now wonder why the newcomers board has been so boring. No judgement but what exactly are you doing with your exh? I’m really concerned what all this is doing to your mental health.
My mental state is a 1000x's better than this time last year.
In general I'm pretty happy. That doesn't mean I don't get hammered with a bad day now and again.
I have no idea what is going on with my XH, but I 100% percent accept him where he is at right now. Clearly he is still attracted to me if he will make a 2hr drive for sex... and its amazing! I see bits and pieces where he is unhappy in his current situation and at times works hard at covering it up. Sometimes I see him hit with shame/guilt and other times that he can't believe that things could be different or still angry that it took this step before things really changed. Not my circus/not my monkeys.
And... the sex is really good. The intimacy is still there when we take a bath together. So while I'm single and free why not have the good sex???
I mean I was completely comfortable shutting him off because I am really attracted to pilot and no way ever would I be sexually active with 2 guys at the same time. I really liked where things were going with pilot until the hiccup this weekend.
So for now I just go back to focusing on me and let my XH or pilot figure their crap out. If it turns out that either want to make an effort I will see how I feel at the time.
Ok some of it makes sense but your ex is a shady dude. I don’t see an exclusive healthy relationship with either dude but you’re a big girl and know what you are up against.
More to relationships then great sex. Who said that? Lol.
Ok some of it makes sense but your ex is a shady dude. I don’t see an exclusive healthy relationship with either dude but you’re a big girl and know what you are up against.
More to relationships then great sex. Who said that? Lol.
Yes, I know there is more to a relationship than great sex.
The point is I'm NOT in a relationship with either.
That doesn't mean I have to be a nun. If I can have great sex with my XH because after a decade you know exactly all the buttons and whistles to push and blow... then why not. I'm not saying you can't have great sex with a new person but its a crap shoot right???
I'm not expecting my XH to come back. If he ever has a come to Jesus moment and I'm available we'll see. Otherwise I'm just living my life in a way that works for me.
Sounds reasonable to me. I just haven’t met many women who this sort of thing doesn’t effect them. Maybe you’re built different?
LH I'm soon to be 53yr old. I don't have time for hogwash... LOL!
Don't get me wrong. I was all excited to have another date with Pilot this weekend... and it was just ONE huge text fiasco which left me in tears of disappointment.
But, I'm to the point that I recognize that this man has been on the market for the last 9yr for a reason... lol. He got some garbage to sort out. If he does great!!!! If he doesn't completely his loss. I'm very smart, funny, attractive, fantastic career and financially stable.
I leave in less than 2 weeks for a week long vaca where a friend is going to meet up with me.