WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (6)

[kml]

I was admittedly caught off guard and I didn't know how to respond and just said something like "wouldn't that be nice, but that's up to mommy"

Nope nope nope. Don't put it on your ex and don't give your daughter the idea that this is a possibility, because it's very unlikely to happen and she doesn't need to think it can.

Instead, try to put a positive spin on it. "You have two bedrooms and two blankies" "You have daddy here and Mommy and OM there". Or just factual - mommy already has OM she lives with . (If she does).

You might ask Ginger for her opinion on how to handle this. Despite the fact that her daughter was an infant when her ex split, she also got these questions from her daughter.

[Ginger1]

bomb day anniversary is always tough . and i know its really tough to answer those questions from a little one.

when you told your D on the spot “that would be nice , but its up to mommy”
is it really up to mommy? if she said “ i want to come back” would you really let her just come back?

i know you might say if she “does this this and this, i might think about letting her come back. however if she doesn't do what you would need, she could ask that question to her mom and she will say “its up to daddy”

its not really up to mommy to come home and i think you know that. i know you were caught off guard. i always just validated her feelings but i made sure that i never eluded to is ever living together. validation is the best course of action. no one is right, no one is wrong and never give false hope.

i do promise its gets easier . those comments and questions become less.

[Ginger1]

I was admittedly caught off guard and I didn't know how to respond and just said something like "wouldn't that be nice, but that's up to mommy"

Nope nope nope. Don't put it on your ex and don't give your daughter the idea that this is a possibility, because it's very unlikely to happen and she doesn't need to think it can.

Instead, try to put a positive spin on it. "You have two bedrooms and two blankies" "You have daddy here and Mommy and OM there". Or just factual - mommy already has OM she lives with . (If she does).

You might ask Ginger for her opinion on how to handle this. Despite the fact that her daughter was an infant when her ex split, she also got these questions from her daughter.

lol, we totally cross posted!

im going to add, like a real pain in the butt , like i already mentioned, the week on and week off that young is super hard on them. when they really start really wanting everyone in the same house , its because they are really missing the other parent. and even the dinner to break up the time seems like a tease.

[BL42]

Nope nope nope. Don't put it on your ex and don't give your daughter the idea that this is a possibility, because it's very unlikely to happen and she doesn't need to think it can.

Ok, point taken. Not the best response...I admitted as much above. Need to be better prepared next time.

Instead, try to put a positive spin on it. "You have two bedrooms and two blankies" "You have daddy here and Mommy and OM there". Or just factual - mommy already has OM she lives with . (If she does).

I won't promote OM2 as a positive. I haven't talked negatively about him to the kids or anything, but also plan to be honest if asked and won't put an inauthentic/untruthful spin pretending the D and their living w/their mom's AP is a good thing.

bomb day anniversary is always tough . and i know its really tough to answer those questions from a little one.

Thanks. Definitely stirring up some personal feelings but also want to handle the kids' questions in the best way possible.

when you told your D on the spot “that would be nice , but its up to mommy”
is it really up to mommy? if she said “ i want to come back” would you really let her just come back?

its not really up to mommy to come home and i think you know that.

Good point. I couldn't take her back at this point - all the king's horses and all the king's men - so you're right.

i know you were caught off guard.

Yes, indeed. Thanks for the feedback...think I'll be better prepared next time.

i always just validated her feelings but i made sure that i never eluded to is ever living together. validation is the best course of action. no one is right, no one is wrong and never give false hope.

Appreciate the validation reminder. I'll have to remember that approach.

i do promise its gets easier . those comments and questions become less.

Thanks Ginger. I don't doubt it.

All - Lots of focus on my brief response to D3...any thoughts on the rest of my update?

[kml]

The rest? Yes, anniversaries of BD hurt, yes your wife was awful to spring it on you when you were sick in bed, yes it's all unfair. The anniversaries get better as time goes on (I usually don't remember my wedding anniversary anymore, last week I forgot it was my ex's birthday). There were multiple BDs and I never noted the dates so it's more just a seasonal feeling, but that's pretty much gone too. I used to keep some old emails from just weeks before the BD to remind me that I wasn't delusional, we did have a loving marriage. But I've long since deleted them too. As you move on it sure gets easier.

[kml]

Also - re: your daughter - sometimes kids aren't asking what we THINK they're asking. It might be as simple as she wants everyone to live together because she likes the sheets on her bed at your house better, or some such. We do have to be careful not to over-read into what they say. Sounds like she loves everybody and would just like to have everybody together and it's good that she has those positive feelings.

Let go of OM stuff. I know it's infuriating and I'm sorry you have to deal with him but it's your WIFE who cheated on you, not him. It's in your best interest to have a cordial relationship with him and at least not betray any negative emotions about him to your kids. They don't need to be put in between. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say.

[LH19]

Although I can't possibly imagine taking her back at this point (not that she'd even try), I also hate my kids have to bounce back and forth and don't have the family unit they deserve and also if I'm being honest feel embarrassed at times I'm divorced.

So what if she said "BL I am so sorry for what I have done, it was a big mistake and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and the kids"?

[BL42]

Although I can't possibly imagine taking her back at this point (not that she'd even try), I also hate my kids have to bounce back and forth and don't have the family unit they deserve and also if I'm being honest feel embarrassed at times I'm divorced.

So what if she said "BL I am so sorry for what I have done, it was a big mistake and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and the kids"?

Well similar to what I said to SteveLW in OB's thread regarding boundaries around a PA, I'll preface my answer with "you never truly know how you'll respond until you're tested in real life", but honestly believe I would not and could not accept her back at this point. Too much damage has been done. Lies, betrayal...etc. I honestly don't feel a desire to be with for her anymore, but still lament the impact to my family situation. It's a odd paradox. Mad at the forced change in situation paired with the knowledge that even so there's no going back.

[kml]

It's really not just the cheating, is it? It's the lying to your face, the selfishness and lack of concern for the effect on your children etc. It really shows you something about your spouse's character.

I foolishly forgave my ex when he slept with an old flame the night before our wedding. I DB'd him back when he had an affair 16 years into our marriage. When he left after 24 years of marriage I was done with a capital D. I'm glad I have my 3 kids, but do wonder what my life would have looked like if I'd paid more attention to the character defects early in our relationship. And I wouldn't care if he came crawling back on his knees tomorrow, I'd never even consider taking him back. Because I know he has character defects that are such that I could never trust him again.

[LH19]

Well similar to what I said to SteveLW in OB's thread regarding boundaries around a PA, I'll preface my answer with "you never truly know how you'll respond until you're tested in real life", but honestly believe I would not and could not accept her back at this point. Too much damage has been done. Lies, betrayal...etc. I honestly don't feel a desire to be with for her anymore, but still lament the impact to my family situation. It's a odd paradox. Mad at the forced change in situation paired with the knowledge that even so there's no going back.

Fair enough BL. It's interesting that although there is no going back you still want her her and OM to fall apart. I am not saying you are wrong for having these feelings it just runs into the whole forgiveness and unconditional love conversations.