Yes, I think that is why so many of us word it that way, it is impactful to understand exactly what he is telling you. So many LBSs hear "I don't want to be married anymore" from their WAS, and what they hear is "You better become super-spouse or I am going to leave!" That isn't what they are saying. In fact, most WASs get irritated with the LBS when they suddenly become the perfect spouse. Their attitude is "Where was this all along? It is too little too late!"
So the best thing to do is to give them what they want. A life without you. Go live an awesome life on your own, and maybe they'll be attracted back and get interested again.
Cathy, I know you are still recovering, and you have a friend coming in. Start making your plans for what you want to do once you get back on your feet, back to work. IC? Support group? Reconnecting with old friends? Rediscovering old hobbies and activities? Have a plan, and then put that plan into action.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1) I really truly think your husband is deeply depressed, that being said if he refuses to get help for his mental health you are under no obligation to deal with it. You are under no obligation to deal with his outburst, or his paranoia, or his made up history of your relationship. Think of him as a mean drunk. Would you take this if he has AODA issues? If the answer is no, then don't take it. Depression is treatable, if he chooses not to treat it that's on him
2) IHS is super intense and really hard. I'd recommend reading through the MLC thread. Their situations aren't exactly the same as yours but I think it would be more similar than a lot of the newbies' situations here. You in particular might want to look at cardinal's thread. No kids, IHS, H is petty and mean, and can be verbally abusive. She's been doing this a long time, and they are finally in the D stage but he's still in the house and dragging his feet every step of the way. Maybe it'll help you if you see how common this hot mess is.
3) The best thing you can do for you and for your MR is to worry about you and do your best to work toward detaching. The sooner you can step back from H and his ugly words the better you will feel. The sooner you get some of yourself back the sooner you can stop walking on eggshells in your own house. Take some of that energy you've being dumping into worry about this, and trying to save this and worry about you and save you from this. Your mental health matters here. Yout feelings matter here. You matter. And you being happy, healthy, and whole is more important than anything else right now. Exercise radical self love. H doesn't want to love you any more. Fine. You're going to love yourself better than he ever did.
Valeska19, He has thrown things. Not at me or toward me or even about me; but in a rage of anger. I REALLY do not believe that he would ever physically hit me. He KNOWS that he would lose everything. With that being said, the things that have come out of his mouth are just awful. I never thought that I would ever hear him say some of those things either. I seriously worry more about him hurting himself than me. And Traveler, you are right, I would NOT be able to unhear some of those things and it IS a bad idea. Again, I think that I am grasping at any type of "reasoning" what-so-ever as to what has made him like this. The whole thing of him setting up the cameras to spy on me just gave me a super uneasy feeling as to "what are YOU doing?" I feel like I can put my finger on him at any given point of the day, and I really feel as though he is NOT having a physical relationship; but for all I know, he COULD think that the grass is greener because he is involved in an emotional relationship. To be clear, I have NOT put a recorder in, but it HAS crossed my mind.
Cathy, I hope you're right. It scares me that you never thought he would call you what he has, yet he has. And now you are certain he'd never touch you. Please just be cautious and protect yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
