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Originally Posted by CathyC
Steve,
How did you handle staying in the same house and making things work? I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I cook dinner, we have dinner and superficial conversation, he retreats to the basement. He will occasionally show me a video that he thinks is funny, then retreats to the basement.
I don't go down there an bother him unless I step down to the foot of the steps to let him know dinner is ready.
I really feel like I am STILL just walking on eggshells because I DON'T know what to do. :-(

Why are you still cooking dinner for both of you?

You cook. You eat. If he comes up and there are leftovers then you make it known he is welcome to eat. He cleans up after himself, you clean up after yourself.

You are under the same roof, but you are not together, because he has deemed it so. So you show him what it means to be separated. What you are doing is trying to hold on, still. He is enjoying his cake,living downstairs, by himself, and still enjoying the frults that you provide, and eating it too. So you take those fruits away.

Eggshells is an apt description. As long as you continue IHS there will be a bit of a walking on eggshells feeling. It is impossible to avoid it entirely. I know you said you are still recovering from something, but the best way to get off of those eggshells is to go out and get a life. During our IHS I stayed as busy as I could. I was going out with buddies, going up the hunting property on the weekend. When I was home I was busy either reading, or doing things outside. I was not perfect at all of this, but over time I got better.

Once you start to emotionally detach, once you start to get busy with other things in your life, once you start to get really good as showing him what life without you will be like, the better you will start to feel. And sometimes....SOMETIMES it causes the WAS to wonder what the heck is going on and start sniffing around. Did you follow cadet's advice and read the distance/pursuit thread?


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Steve's advice is spot on.

GAL - Go out and do things that push you outside your comfort zone. Salsa lessons, spent time with friends, join a gym etc. Doing things like this builds confidence and can be very attractive to a WAS.

Your goal should be to get to the point you are no longer living in fear and wondering what your H is doing/not doing. And once you get to the point, there will be a shift in energy that your H will feel. He will notice not because you told him what you are doing, or because you are peacocking and trying to get him to notice your changes, but because you will give off a different vibe, a quiet confidence.

You want to get to the point where your H actually starts to fear losing you.

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Cathy, the quicker you're able to shift your energy away from him and towards yourself, the more your H feels it, the more those distance-pursuer dynamics work for you. These situations usually take years to play out, but sometimes they take months. Do your best. See what happens. Post daily about what you're doing to GAL vs. what interactions you're having with him.

I was surprised that you're still cooking for him. Maybe you've made other changes. What are you doing differently since joining so you don't follow the usual slow crawl to divorce?

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LH19, SteveLW, Thornton, and Traveler all have great advice for you. I agree w/them.

What would happen if you stopped making dinner for him and instead made yourself scarce in the evenings around the usual time? E.g., meet up with a friend for dinner one night, pack a sandwich and go on a hike the next, go to the movie theatre another evening...etc. You don't have to tell him or explain yourself...just go out and have fun.


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To be honest, I haven't "done" anything differently. Again, my time has been super slowed with the development of a pulmonary embolism. Our weather here is super crappy and I absolutely cannot risk getting out right now and falling or hurting myself. I am transitioning to my lower dose next week, so I should be able to do more things, as well as start back working my PT job as well, and that usually has me out until he is asleep when I get home.
I realize that my actions are not in line with many of the things that I have read. It is SO hard for me. I DON'T know how to not take care of people. That is my profession and that is what I have done with him for 11 years.
I do not engage in conversations with him, ask him what he is doing or where he is going. Again, I do not go to the basement unless I did cook and tell him it's done OR I am doing laundry. Which is in a separate room. I go down, wash/dry and leave without speaking or having superficial conversation. He does offer up information to me, like, I've been called into work or I have to go here.......there.....etc.
I have noticed that at night time, I hear him talking on the phone. I have SERIOUSLY even contemplated putting a voice recorder in the area to see if he is talking to someone else. I feel like ANYTHING other than "we don't work" would give me the validity to move forward with sinking into a deep depression. I am trying. I have friend coming in from back home tomorrow and we are going out and I am going to a friends house tomorrow night for a girls night.
This struggle bus is REAL for me. As, I am sure it was for every single person in here. I just absolutely do not KNOW how to break the true pursuer cycle. Not that I am running him down; but big picture.
I am really trying more meditation, positive affirmations and reading a TON. AND, although our problems have been mounting for years and there is NO excuse for the verbal and emotional abuse (which has been hard for me to grasp.....I seriously tried to figure out what I was doing to deserve that and to stop doing whatever I was doing to make him so angry), it is still very "new" and raw and I am trying to figure out what my new normal looks like.
I really feel like if he were out of the house I could begin healing; on the flip side of that, just like Steve said.....I think that I would spend countless hours wondering where he was, who he was with and what he was doing. :-(

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Cathy, there are unfortunately no shortcuts to any of this. You have to muddle through as best you can. Those in IHS always think it would be easier in physical separation. Those physically separated struggle with not having contact and not being able to "show" changes. There is no one is better than the other, unfortunately.

But you have to stop being his wife. He has fired you from that role. You can characterize it as "not being able to not take care of him". But in reality, it is your fear telling you that if you aren't "nice" then he will leave. Fear is your enemy, it will cause you to do thing that bring about exactly what you fear! Nicing him back by taking care of him is only reinforcing to him that he wants to move on. Your best next step is to STOP being his wife, stop taking care of him. Let him see what life is like without Cathy playing his wife. Stop letting him cake eat.

I believe there is a book for "nice girls" just like there is one for nice guys. Look for No More Mrs. Nice Girl or a similar book. It will teach you about trying to be "nice" in order to "deserve" better treatment, better relationships, etc.

I am starting to repeat previous advice so I will stop for now. But until you are ready to change your dynamic, your dynamic will not change.


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Originally Posted by CathyC
I DON'T know how to not take care of people. That is my profession and that is what I have done with him for 11 years.
You ARE looking out for him by stopping those spousely duties--cooking, laundry, dishes, shopping, etc. You're honoring his request and showing him now WHILE THERE'S STILL A CHANCE TO FIX THINGS what life without Cathy as his wife looks like. When my son was in preschool and opted not to wear his jacket, I let him be cold and learn his lesson. That came from love, not anger.

If he responds with verbal abuse, you REFUSE to accept it, because you're worth more than that! Besides, you're showing him you've changed by not breaking down or responding in kind.

I hear you that it's hard to GAL outside your home this week. A girlfriend's house is great!

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Originally Posted by Cathy
I have SERIOUSLY even contemplated putting a voice recorder in the area to see if he is talking to someone else.
It sounds like he's been clear with you that in his mind you two are through. Putting a voice recorder in his room would be an invasion of his privacy and perhaps illegal. The consequences if he found out, or if you caught him pursuing a woman but didn't act, may be high. He may not be able to forgive you. You'd look weak. You'd have trouble unhearing. All these are common outcomes we've seen before. It's also focusing on him instead of focusing on you, the nurturing CathyC!

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To be honest - I am not sure your husband is a "typical WAH" or that our advice to you should be similar to those we give to other newcomers.

Whilst I agree that your H has fired you as his wife - based on what you have explained - he is also Abusive. You titled your post "verbal abuse" but spying with cameras is also a form of abuse. You said he would rather hit a wall than you... is that because he has done so? Does he hit or throw things?

Of course we can only go off of what you tell us but my gut says to be very careful Cathy. Defiance of standing up for oneself usually escalates the abuse. Use caution and please have a safety plan in place.


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Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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SteveLW,
I know that this is the second time that you said it, but for whatever reason, it resonated with me this time; you're right.....he fired me from being his wife. That hits a little different than anything else has for some reason.
As difficult as that was for me to think about, hear and attempt to accept, I needed to hear that again. :-)

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