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I didn’t know, nor have I ever met anyone as stubborn or head strong as my want to be WAH. Before reading three of Michele’s books and joining this group, I did reach out to his sister. I felt like I needed someone that KNEW him to talk to me. Not to talk to him or to persuade him back but to find out if this has happened before, has he always been angry and just suppressed it. Who am I even living with.
I did find out that he has a history of anger, he has really never had a relationship that was truly meaningful until ours. Long, yes but not true commitment. She believes that he does not have then mental capacity to love completely….and attributes that to his father/mother. I DO realize this is something I cannot fix.
Again, I’m a fixer and my heart is shattered that I can’t fix this. It reminds me of a small child who is crying for help and no one is listening. 😢

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CathyC,

Originally Posted by CathyC
I am not going to lie. Today is bad. Maybe because it is Saturday and although he is "in the basement", we are still in the same house and pass frequently.
Could you get out of the house? Go for a walk, grab lunch out, see a movie at the theatre...etc.?

Originally Posted by CathyC
He has come into the room that I am in and spoken a few times. I am not angry or short, but I keep my answers to a minimum and carry on with the work that I am doing.
Good. Courteous, but short and to the point.

Originally Posted by CathyC
So, when my answers are short and to the point, I know that he feels like I am being a bitch.
Maybe of us here have a tendency to be overly "nice". Nothing wrong with not being overly warm to the person who is treating you the way you're H is treating you.

Originally Posted by Traveler
You are not being a "witch" if you respond with efficient, non-rude answers. "Have you done the laundry yet?" "No, I haven't." Don't accept such names.
^Agreed.

Originally Posted by CathyC
I have read so many threads on there that they are running together. I am trying to absorb everything.
Good! Hopefully take comfort you're not alone, and also get advice on how to act & respond.

Originally Posted by Traveler
[quote=CatchC] I think that is ONE of the most inhumane things someone has ever said to me.
It's common. A week after my long-term XGF and I broke-up, I totaled my car and called her for help. She didn't believe me--she thought it was a ruse to manipulate her.
Not a medical emergency, but at one point after BD during IHS I had an important meeting at work and my car wouldn't start. Instead of trying to help, as a spouse or any friend or family would, my ExW just started laughing at me enjoying my situation. That always stuck out at me. I had insights into her conversations with AP, family & friends...she would have my parents over for a family dinner to "keep the peace" and then mock me and say terrible things about me to them behind my back.

The point is, don't underestimate the exact to which your H may have anger and hate towards you right now. I know it might be hard to believe, because he looks like the person you married, but there's likely a whole lot more deep down in him that is resenting you. It doesn't mean it's justified - I didn't do anything to my ExW even remotely close to meriting the treatment I got - he could very well be projecting his hurts and anger and resentment on to you. Just don't be surprised; you might be shocked how bad his emotions are towards you right now.

Originally Posted by CathyC
Do you all ever look at these threads (as an outsider) and just ask......"why do you want to continue down this path?"
Yes. But then everyone is at a different point on the path. Regardless of the outcome, you'll look back down the road (in a year, in 2 years, in 5 years) and view this very differently than you do at the present. That's why is great to read a lot of other stories - it shows you people's progress over time and helps give a better perspective of the long run when you're (understandably) caught up in the present.

Originally Posted by Traveler
You've been together a long time. It makes sense that part of you wants to stay together, and part of you wants to escape. Not to beat a dead horse, but my big hopes for you are: a) You will set boundaries for firm action when he or your own negative self-talk calls you names, b) You won't allow your emotions to lead to passive-aggressive behavior like threatening divorce or asking him to divorce--you'll take control by either filing or not filing, c) You will begin to find CathyC either solo or with your friends, realizing your H is currently neither your partner nor your friend. That may change in time.
^Great advice!

Originally Posted by CathyC
I felt like I needed someone that KNEW him to talk to me. Not to talk to him or to persuade him back but to find out if this has happened before, has he always been angry and just suppressed it. Who am I even living with.
I did find out that he has a history of anger, he has really never had a relationship that was truly meaningful until ours. Long, yes but not true commitment. She believes that he does not have then mental capacity to love completely….and attributes that to his father/mother.
This is common. I've heard a good bit from people close to my ExW (ExFIL, ExSMIL, people around town) that she had deep seated issues stemming from younger years. I knew she had been in counseling and on anti-depressants since teenage years, and her parents each married three times and she discovered her mom's affair and lived through her mom breaking up her family. I saw the beautiful fun person I was dating/married to, not the low self esteem broken hurt person deep down. Often things bubble up, even when the person wants to be different.

I'm not saying there's nothing you need to work on - there is absolutely is based on what you've said about your relationship history - but point being a lot of this might be your husband's history bubbling up and personal issues.

Originally Posted by CathyC
I DO realize this is something I cannot fix.
Good! You can not fix your H. You can fix you though. Work on you! You'll like the results.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Cathy,

What is one small thing that brings you joy? Something you can do just for you? A walk to clear your head, a bubble bath, a show or movie or novel that can help you to escape mentally for an hour or two? Cooking yourself a favorite meal, calling a friend, booking a massage or a pedicure? I know it can be so hard to NOT pour all your energy into your H and your R and what is going wrong and what you can do to fix it-- but you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. give yourself a hug and a break.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Cathy C,
You mentioned this might be your third divorce. Can you give us a little backstory on those marriages? How long they were for? How those husbands treated you? How they ended?

Also - since you have no kids - a little break from the toxic environment might be beneficial. Do you have any friends houses you can stay at for a few days? What is your financial situation? Do you have access to funds or does your husband control the finances?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Originally Posted by CathyC
Do you all ever look at these threads (as an outsider) and just ask......"why do you want to continue down this path?"

There have been plenty of situations where I have thought that. Most involved infidelity. Like why would someone want to stay with someone that cheated on them? But at the same time I get it. I had a good friend whose longtime BF was a jerk, but she had 7 years into him and didn't want to feel like those were wasted years.

So yes, if you were willing to walk away from this situation no one would blame you, and might even encourage it. But we also understand why you want to try to save it. All be it, it shouldn't be a "save it at any cost" thing either. It would be nuts for you to want to save your marriage and keep the dynamic you have been living with for the last few years.


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Valeska19,
My last two marriages, the first, I was just too young, we grew apart and he cheated. My second marriage I thought was great. I found out after 3 months (post incident) or so when I was out of town doing clinical for my graduate program, he cheated. I could not get past either of them. It felt “easier” to walk away from something I could justify (maybe).
I do have plenty of friends I could stay with and he doesn’t control the money. We have a joint account but each of us have separate accounts. I refuse to leave my animals. I have three cats. He loves them and would feed them but I doubt he’d clean their boxes. In the past when I’ve had to travel he did and maybe he would now.
I was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism on 1/20/22. I am on a high dose of blood thinner right now so all of my things I enjoy doing are taking a backseat so that I can heal. It is very cold here with snow/ice on the ground so I have to even be careful walking as to not fall. I love my work and tend to pour myself into work. After another week or so on such I high dose, I will start to taper down and be more active again. On the normal I am very active with biking and I play roller derby. But with covid our practices had to stop. We are scheduled to return to practice 2/20/22 but it looks like I will be in a coaching role for a bit until I’m off if this medication. Many different dynamics going on.

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Obviously, your health comes first. I would highly suggest finding things that occupy your mind. Hobbies, projects, other things you can engage in that will break the monotony of sitting around and dwelling on your situation.

As far as your previous marriages, I feel like cheating is a dealbreaker for most people. However, when faced with their spouse cheating, many hedge on that being a dealbreaker. So I give you a lot of credit, for someone that has admitted to being a bit of a doormat in the past, that you stood up for yourself and walked away from your previous marriages due to infidelity being a dealbreaker shows you can do that.

Cathy, my W and I were also IHS. IHS is rough, no question. I know you have mentioned it a few times. One thing to keep in mind is that we've seen many LBSs here that felt IHS was too difficult and pushed for physical separation, only to realize they disliked being separated physically even more! For full disclosure, it did help some be able to move forward and more easily emotionally detach. But for a lot it falls into the category of "be careful what you wish for." Many after separation end up fixated on wondering what their WAS is doing and whom they are doing it with.

Just something to think about.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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SteveLW,
Honestly the IHS doesn’t bother me that badly, simply because of what you explained. I think my issue is, I don’t know what to do. There’s no neutral except for the way it’s been. We’re not fighting. We have the occasional dinner together and have very superficial conversation. Now what? This is where I’m stuck. Can he miss me? I mean, seriously the only thing that I feel like I do have going for me is that I am NOT worrying about where he is or who he’s with and someone is still paying half of the bills.
I have really had to force myself to slow down since my medical issue. I was working 70-80 week at times. I didn’t start working that much until our situation here had already fallen apart and the verbal/emotional abuse had started. I buried myself in work. I am fortunate to have a job that I love but I work in healthcare and I see patients in their homes. We literally have a primary/urgent care business so needless to say business has been booming due in the pandemic. So there’s always the added stress of bringing covid home. I have been blessed this far. But under normal circumstances, im not home “all of the time”.

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Steve,
How did you handle staying in the same house and making things work? I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I cook dinner, we have dinner and superficial conversation, he retreats to the basement. He will occasionally show me a video that he thinks is funny, then retreats to the basement.
I don't go down there an bother him unless I step down to the foot of the steps to let him know dinner is ready.
I really feel like I am STILL just walking on eggshells because I DON'T know what to do. :-(

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Cathy,

The hardest thing to do is realize there is absolutely nothing you can do to change his mind other then go out and live a kickass life and hope some day he wants to join you. There are no tricks, techniques, or ploys to bring him back. You can not control another human beings feelings.

The quicker you understand this the better you will do. These things take a really long time to completely play out and take a lot of strength and perseverance. Unfortunately there are no short cuts.

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