Verbally Abusive

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING (remember right now you are on moderation so patience) and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[BL42]

CathyC,

We do not have any children (neither of us)

This is good in some ways - it will make it easier to detach.

I DO feel broken right now. As far as therapy, I continue to go. I made the appointment for us and he didn't show up. I continued to go without him. She is now "my" therapist and would refuse to see "us".

That's good! Continue to go to individual counseling (IC) to help you through this difficult time and work on areas of improvement for yourself. When people say counseling doesn't work they're talking about marriage counseling (MC) with both parties when one isn't committed to working on the relationship.

I am desperately seeking advise and comfort to know that I am not alone because some days, I REALLY feel that way.

Post on here a lot, even if it's just to journal. It'll help to read others' situations and progressions through their sitches, and even just getting a post from someone on your thread will give you a boost.

I have a good network, but many are mutual friends and I don't want to necessarily reach out or talk about it with them because I don't want them to feel like they are choosing sides.

Glad you have a good network. Navigating the "sides" can be difficult.

The friends I have talked to have all said get out now........but I feel like it is always easy for people to say that with no regard to what YOU want.

Others more removed from the situation than you may be able to see things you don't. That said, don't let them make decisions for you. Ultimately it's your life.

I feel like I need to do the whole 180, but you guys are right..........I fear then that I WILL lose him for good because he will think, oh well, she doesn't care.

Or...might he start to wonder if he'll lose you?

I am exhausted. I have struggled with this failing marriage for several years seriously thought that I would be the one to ask for the divorce.

If you've thought and wanted a divorce yourself, what is scaring you about it now and making you hold on? Could it be simply because it's not you making the decision?

[SteveLW]

Cathy, wow. Those are some awful names that a husband should never call his wife. And this is why I said that you need to step back and decide what reconciliation looks like. So many LBSs are just willing to take the WAS back. Because we don't want D, or are afraid to be alone, or -fill in the blank-. Being deliberate about how you want MR2.0 to look is really the only real path to R, and if your WAH balks at that then you need to be willing to walkaway yourself. Just letting him waltz back into the MR will only prolong your agony. His behavior won't change, and you will just be delaying the inevitable.

As far as his plan for an easy-peezy D, this is typical WAS fog. My W was the same way. She wanted to get a job, get an apartment and get a D. She had this plan that I would keep the house, my daughter would remain in the house with me, but "sleep over" at her apartment. Several nights a week we would play house with her coming over to cook dinner, but sometimes she'd host at her apartment. And, of course, she'd have keys to the house to "help care for" our dogs and cat. I burst her bubble by saying we'd sell the house, decisions about the pets would need to be made. When she questioned where I would live I said I would move in with a good friend of mine for a while. She didn't like this at all, and it really made her question her "plan".

She also wanted a quicky, online D. Something that was not even possible in our state when you have children. I know you guys don't have kids, but his asks are already a red-flag. You should not agree to the uncontested divorce since there are already contentions. Like him getting his $30k back? What? That doesn't even make sense. So hold the line that you will be represented by a lawyer. He is free to do what he wants on his side. Lots of LBSs claim "I can't afford a lawyer" but my argument is always "you cannot afford to NOT have a lawyer". It is like having car trouble and saying you don't need a mechanic. Call in the professionals and do not feel bad about it!

Please read DejaVu's posts. She is right on the money. The goal for you is to be in a better place in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc. You do that by focusing on moving forward with your own life....and leave your WAH alone to decide what he wants for his life. He has to decide that he WANTS to stay for there to be a chance to save the marriage. To quote a line from Shawshank Redemption, you face a decision: Get busy living or get busy dying. To meet the goal or being better off in the future you need to embrace the former and get busy!

Cathy, you can do this, and you will be okay no matter what. Just take it one day at a time and really embrace GAL, self-improving and working on emotional detachment.

[CathyC]

I do have that lawyer retained. So, I feel like I’m ready there, either way. I have already talked to a refinance banker and I’m ready to move forward. When he said I could keep the house, I immediately contacted a banker to see my options. All that needs to be done is the paperwork to get him off of the mortgage. After I told him I talked to a banker, that is when he came back with his ridiculous “counter offer”.
I will stand firm that I will NOT live mortgage poor because of his greed. My past exes did that to me and one allowed our house to go into for closure which took me years to mend. I am an only child who does everything I can to help out my Mom, so I will not sacrifice to not be able to do that. Even if it means getting ugly in court. That in itself breaks my heart because that is not who I am but I am slowly realizing I must take care of me.
Him living here is so hard. I feel like if he wanted a divorce that badly, he’d be gone. On the flip side, is he staying here because it is cheaper and I am allowing it? These are the things that keep up at night. I push for him to get out, I will lose him for good. At least now, he’s here. I do have a fear of being alone….because I am an only child with no children. As crappy as my marriage is/was, my H always helped my Mom when needed. Some of those things, I simply can’t do. Then sometimes, I feel like I am just too old and exhausted to start over and I don’t want too. I DO know that I am miserable in this current married situation. I know that I should never allow someone to speak to me the way he does. I have tried to justify that as if he were a “well person” he would not be doing this. I DO believe that he is not mentally well and this is not “him”. I work in healthcare. I am a fixer. That’s what I do. AND, I can’t fix him and that breaks my heart!!! I am babbling and making excuses. I know I have to make a decision and do something. I do feel like I am
Working on me. I will continue to. And I will start with 180. This will be a challenge everyday because I am a giver and inherently a nice person. Yes, Steve….that does look like a doormat. I guess I have always been that way. I think it was learned behavior as I watched my mother be the exact same person and I literally hated my Dad for the way he treated her. From a southern, old fashioned home, women were taught, just keep the peace, WE must be the one who is making him angry. I feel like this is just a learned trait. I also KNOW this is not true and have had several arguments with my mom about it. I am trying to change my mindset for many things. With that being said, I WILL push forward and try this 180. It takes me 100% out of my comfort zone but I have nothing else to lose.

[BL42]

I do have that lawyer retained. So, I feel like I’m ready there, either way.

Good. That knowledge and preparedness must be empowering.

I will stand firm that I will NOT live mortgage poor because of his greed.

Good. Stand firm in your rights and get the money/equity you deserve.

I do have a fear of being alone….because I am an only child with no children.

Sounds like an area to explore with your IC.

Then sometimes, I feel like I am just too old and exhausted to start over and I don’t want too.

Don't think of everything at once. Focus on small goals so you're not overwhelmed.

I DO know that I am miserable in this current married situation. I know that I should never allow someone to speak to me the way he does.

You should take the time to really ponder your words here.

I can’t fix him and that breaks my heart!!!

No, you can not fix him. We are not responsible for fixing anyone but ourselves.

I do feel like I am Working on me. I will continue to.

What does that look like? Would you share what you're doing to work on you?

And I will start with 180. This will be a challenge everyday because I am a giver and inherently a nice person. Yes, Steve….that does look like a doormat.

Good. Don't be a doormat. We haven't explored your history in detail but someone above mentioned - and I think they're on to something - that it sounds like you may have been a doormat in your previous two marriages . That's a pattern to address with your IC. Time to strengthen yourself!

I guess I have always been that way. I think it was learned behavior as I watched my mother be the exact same person and I literally hated my Dad for the way he treated her.

It's very difficult to break from what we were modeled. It takes awareness and resolve. Discuss it with IC and work on it.

[DejaVu6]

(((Cathy))). Gosh I so empathize with how you are feeling. I was desperately afraid of being alone and it was difficult in the beginning when my kids would go to their dad’s. In that process, however, I realized two very important things:

1) I had been alone in my marriage for a very long time. I just didn’t realize it because being “married” gave me the illusion of having a partner that I did not have in reality. A partner doesn’t fake medical treatments for four years in order to abandon his wife and family (read my thread…it is an unbelievable story).

2) Being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely. I was desperately lonely when I was married. And I have learned that I much prefer my own company to the company of someone around whom I have to walk on eggshells. That’s no way to live. But I had lived with it for so long, I didn’t know any better. I had forgotten what peaceful happiness feels like. I remember now. It feels great Cathy. I do have to say one thing though… as bad as my XH was, he NEVER, EVER called me names. That’s abuse, plain and simple, and something you should not accept. Please, please, please… work on your fear of losing him. Because that is what it is…fear. You need to ask yourself what it is exactly that you are afraid of and work at overcoming it. No one should ever be afraid of losing someone who treats them poorly. Just picture what it would feel like to get up every morning and walk into your kitchen feeling calm and peaceful because there is no one lurking around waiting to make you feel bad about yourself. Trust me Cathy. Alone is soooooo much better than that.

[Cadet]

Working on me. I will continue to. And I will start with 180. This will be a challenge everyday because
I am a giver and inherently a nice person.

Just for the record most of the people posting here fit these traits.

We are givers and for the guys NICE GUYS, or nice people.

Sometimes because of this we can be taken advantage of and it is important that we learn to stand up for ourselves and not be abused.

Also as a side note you should be off of moderation now.

Let me know if you are not. (or I will figure it out)

[CathyC]

My fear for losing him is selfishness. I AM an only child with an older mother. Statistically speaking, I should out live her and when she dies, I have no one. I won't even have a beneficiary or an emergency contact. That just breaks my heart......that the person that I thought was MY person is just throwing this away with no effort what-so-ever. (BL42), things that I am working on in my personal therapy are how to achieve happiness alone. How do I see myself, "happy". What aspects to do I need to focus on to find myself again.
Prior to covid, I played roller derby. This stopped us dead in its tracks and we have not been able to return to play since. Our goal is to have our first practice on 2/20/22. I am excited for that and have a HUGE network or people that are supportive (for me). They will always "side" with me and right now, that is not what I feel like I need. I need to figure this out, my way. When it is said and done, no matter the outcome, I will need to feel in my heart that I did everything that I could do to save my marriage, and I guess, help him. This is where I stumble ALL of the time. My desire to help him be better. NOT better for me, but he needs therapy or medication for his mental illness. Again, I believe that if he were not sick, we would not be in this situation.
I noticed today that he has started putting his direct deposit into HIS personal account and transferring money to our joint account. This is the first time that I noticed this and he said that he did it several weeks ago. That was a lie, bank deposits don't lie; I DID call him and ask if this is something that we were going to discuss. He said there was nothing to discuss. He was now putting money into our account instead of transferring it out (which is true - we both put equal amounts into the joint account for bills). He said, we are seperated, right? I said, um, no......you still live in the basement. We are not separated. I explained to him that I had all of my end of the bargain done since he had asked for the divorce and said that after working 13-14 hour days he had been too exhausted to deal with it. We could talk about it this weekend. By talking about it, he means what his demands are as far as money that HE wants to receive. I desperately do not want this to become an arguement. If I do not "comply" he will threaten me with, "we will hash this out in court then, " call me names and make my weekend an absolute hell.
AND, "Cadet", what does "off of moderation mean?"

[Traveler]

Hi CathyC, "off of moderation" should mean we see your posts instantly instead of waiting for a moderator to check and approve them. Reply to the rest soon! Hugs and take care.

[Cadet]

Hi CathyC, "off of moderation" should mean we see your posts instantly instead of waiting for a moderator to check and approve them.

Exactly