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#2928861 01/24/22 08:36 PM
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Sometimes the thread title comes to me only when I see job's message.

Prior thread
Rebuilding and Renewal - 8
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2928859&page=1


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've kept largely quiet during this debate - mainly because I don't want to get really dragged into an argument with people who have a fundamentally different world view than I do.
How do we see things different Andrew and should I take offense to this statement? Also we debate and give our opinions not argue.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I honestly don't "know" what drove my xW to cheat and then continue to cheat.

She was unhappy with the life she had and saw a better life with OM.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
It was me that threw the towel in and requested a divorce which I still think shocked her.

Good for you dude!
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I know that when I called her and gave her that final ultimatum she could do nothing other than weep.

Well and choose OM so those were most likely crocodile tears.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I honestly don't think she went "looking" for an affair which in no way in my opinion takes away from the fact that she had one.

Uuuummm I would think again.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I'm also confident that she wasn't wanting to let go of me and our life without nailing down her new one.
Uuuummm yeah. That's what monkey branchers do.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Something that from my limited knowledge wasn't an easy thing to do which is undoubtedly at least part of her "monkey branching".
Huh?
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I hate applying labels to people and it's easy to toss them around as simple explanations of the complex. In the end though, she was a selfish jerk who I think went out of her way to give me a decent divorce settlement all things considered.
You have like 70 alimony payments left. Not a good deal IMO.

Look Andrew my EXW did the same thing as your but her OM dumped her. I don't ponder why she did it. I have moved on . You should do the same. We are here to help you move forward.

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Originally Posted by LH
Well and choose OM so those were most likely crocodile tears.
One can be selfish, roll the dice on a better life with someone else, and still feel terrified about giving up one's safety net. Been there, done that. What part of Andrew's tale makes you think the tears weren't a genuine display of emotion?

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Originally Posted by Traveler
Originally Posted by LH
Well and choose OM so those were most likely crocodile tears.
One can be selfish, roll the dice on a better life with someone else, and still feel terrified about giving up one's safety net. Been there, done that. What part of Andrew's tale makes you think the tears weren't a genuine display of emotion?
Does it matter either way?

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Yes, in so far as he's worked through his anger enough to realize his ex is a flawed human being and not a monster. No, in that she's an ex and her true motives don't matter.

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(And aren't worth spending brain cycles pondering.)

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Originally Posted by Traveler
(And aren't worth spending brain cycles pondering.)
You got that right cowboy.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
What part of Andrew's tale makes you think the tears weren't a genuine display of emotion?

Well it almost certainly was a display of emotion. Was it genuine? Probably so. But WHAT was that genuine emoticon about? Did she feel bad for Andrew? Not likely. Was she worried about herself, her future, her needs? Very probably so. Many WAW are emotional but it’s all about them, they could often care less about the spouse they just dropped the bomb on. It’s all about THEM.

The thing is, LH is largely correct… most spouses are no longer happy or no longer feel connected or loved. Happy spouses rarely leave. Can it be something inside if them? Of course it can. Could it be how the left behind spouce behaved and treated them? It most certainly often is. But the great majority of the time it’s a combination of the two. It’s the faults of BOTH spouses. The LBS who wants to pin all or most of the blame on their spouse still has some lessons to learn.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by Traveler
What part of Andrew's tale makes you think the tears weren't a genuine display of emotion?

Well it almost certainly was a display of emotion. Was it genuine? Probably so. But WHAT was that genuine emoticon about? Did she feel bad for Andrew? Not likely. Was she worried about herself, her future, her needs? Very probably so. Many WAW are emotional but it’s all about them, they could often care less about the spouse they just dropped the bomb on. It’s all about THEM.

The thing is, LH is largely correct… most spouses are no longer happy or no longer feel connected or loved. Happy spouses rarely leave. Can it be something inside if them? Of course it can. Could it be how the left behind spouce behaved and treated them? It most certainly often is. But the great majority of the time it’s a combination of the two. It’s the faults of BOTH spouses. The LBS who wants to pin all or most of the blame on their spouse still has some lessons to learn.
I hate it when Don nails it. Loss of attraction typically comes from resentment. I’ve said before I read once it takes seven positive experiences to offset one negative experience. Those mismatches add up big time in long term marriages. Like when Andy’s W dyed her hair red and instead of him saying “baby you look sexy with your fiery red hair” he said “ your lying to yourself”. That put him seven in the hole. Next thing you know OM is complimenting the hairdo and the snowball starts rolling down the hill picking up steam fast.

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So LH, if the reason for your EA early in your marriage was that you lost attraction to your wife, why did it bother you so much years later when she cheated on you?

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