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Why are you beating yourself up?

What you did where you told her that you don’t want this… it made fk all difference to the outcome. Stop beating yourself up about it or wishing you hadn’t.

For whatever reason, she has decided she is done with your relationship and was going to leave no matter what you did or didn’t say. And she’s manipulating you by trying to make it your fault.

At least a thousand times during court battles, lawyer letters, false affidavits, abuse and custody hearings I wondered how I was ever going to get through it. You probably feel overwhelmed like that too when staring divorce proceedings in the face.

Know that it will all be okay eventually. All you have to do is take it a day at a time.

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Originally Posted by Magnhild
OK OK, I've messed up. I hold my hands up and admit it, that I've REALLY messed up. Please don't be too "we told you so and you ignored us". Let me explain.
I don't think that you have.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
"I'm OK, doing fine, but really don't want this". Ooops. STBW launched into "I've been manipulated and abused by you, my family, my ex-BF for the last 41 years and I've had enough". I validated while she ranted and then went back inside.

On her suggestion, she advised writing it all down and letting her know how I was really feeling. Then sending it. I spent a while hovering over the "send" button, but though f**k it. I knew it was anti-BD. I should have cut off my fingers.

To cut it short, we met for a coffee the next day. She's done. She's SO done. She wants to wait until after the New Year and then will start divorce proceedings.

I needed to hear it. I've let myself down pretty badly, but in some ways it has helped. I need to properly let go. I thought I had, but I was trying to fake it until I made it. That hasn't worked. Nor has being honest with her.
The board usually recommends again such approaches for a couple of reasons: (1) Such statements rarely pull a WAS back in--and it often pushes them further in the opposite direction. (2) Sending "one last message" is usually the opposite of focusing on you and moving on with your life. Based on your situation and their strong response, she was nowhere close to returning, and you say sending this is helping you to move on, that would make this course of action a winner for you. Now, if in a few days, you're dragging your feet or want to send one more message--not so good. wink

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Time to dust myself down and buckle down to it. A friend gave me a great sticker: "Chin up, t*ts out". I might put that as my signature.
Yes!!!

I'm looking forward to hearing your first few actions now that you're buckling down to it!



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HUGS. We all touch the hot stove to some degree.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She caught me... asked how I was.....STBW launched into "I've been manipulated and abused by you...
Do you have a plan on how you can you break this unhealthy pattern from happening in the future?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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@Kind18 - I've read your sitch and your name suits you very well. I cannot imagine what you have gone through with your W leaving like the way she did.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Based on your situation and their strong response, she was nowhere close to returning, and you say sending this is helping you to move on, that would make this course of action a winner for you.

Yep... I do feel SO much better for hearing from it. It has changed my mindset considerably and it is really helping me move on. I'm no longer beating myself up about telling her. I wanted her to know and I no longer regret it.

I'm gutted about the looming divorce, but what is troubling me more is the fact that I may lose my home. It seems so unfair that someone can walk away and still expect 50/50, which will mean selling the property. We bought it 11 years ago; it was a wreck and we have spent the last 11 years lovingly reconstructing it into our dream home. I don't want to lose it! I will go and see the lawyer who I saw a few months back next week so I can find out more.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
I'm looking forward to hearing your first few actions now that you're buckling down to it!

Actions
1. Find a new job. I told my boss today that I will be looking around. I'll find out in the next few days if my recent application will match current salary. To see STBXW every day (we work in the same school) is just too hard. My Headteacher came to see me today to say he really doesn't want to lose me and use the Christmas holiday to reconsider. It's nice to be wanted smile
2. Continue the gym. I've gone from 74kg to 60kg since BD, and will start training in the New Year for another 5K. Then maybe a 10K. The who knows... maybe further!
3. Continue using my validation skills on friends, kids and colleagues. It's great to see how this helps the other person.
4. Pack my bags for a fabulous holiday in Mexico over Christmas.
5. Keep reminding myself there must be a reason for all this and to keep optimistic about the future with all its possibilities.
6. Stop reading too many situations on this board.
7. Pack up any of STBXW's stuff that remain in the house and put in the garage.
8. Continue not drinking at home. Very proud of myself for that.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Do you have a plan on how you can you break this unhealthy pattern from happening in the future?

Although I feel her comment about me being controlling and manipulating was a tad harsh, I accept this is how she feels. I am careful how my words & actions may appear that way to others.

I have my therapist tomorrow. Last week, I was a complete mess with her. I am stronger today. Sad that it has to be this way, but feeling more ready to face what is about to happen in the New Year.

Chin up, t*ts out.

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Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I'm looking forward to hearing your first few actions now that you're buckling down to it!

Actions
1. Find a new job. I told my boss today that I will be looking around. I'll find out in the next few days if my recent application will match current salary. To see STBXW every day (we work in the same school) is just too hard. My Headteacher came to see me today to say he really doesn't want to lose me and use the Christmas holiday to reconsider. It's nice to be wanted smile
2. Continue the gym. I've gone from 74kg to 60kg since BD, and will start training in the New Year for another 5K. Then maybe a 10K. The who knows... maybe further!
3. Continue using my validation skills on friends, kids and colleagues. It's great to see how this helps the other person.
4. Pack my bags for a fabulous holiday in Mexico over Christmas.
5. Keep reminding myself there must be a reason for all this and to keep optimistic about the future with all its possibilities.
6. Stop reading too many situations on this board.
7. Pack up any of STBXW's stuff that remain in the house and put in the garage.
8. Continue not drinking at home. Very proud of myself for that.
Great list! Especially #2, 4 & 7! Make it happen!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Do you have a plan on how you can you break this unhealthy pattern from happening in the future?

Although I feel her comment about me being controlling and manipulating was a tad harsh, I accept this is how she feels. I am careful how my words & actions may appear that way to others.
I reiterate that I think she's emotionally manipulating you with this in school check-ins. Finding a new job/school is one way to deal with it, and if that's a good path for your life by all means go for it, but also you shouldn't have to leave your job because you're being harassed with a personal situation in the workplace. Your supervisor and HR should be able to step in at some point and make it clear she doesn't "bop in" any more.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Magnhild,

How are you doing on that action list? Did you enjoy your Holiday in Mexico?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2928738 01/21/22 01:39 PM
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Ah, thank you for checking in. I had a fabulous time in Mexico, thank you. Although I felt sad, I was able to do a great many things I couldn’t have done if I was with her. I came back much more positive and felt like I had turned a corner in detaching.

I left the board for a while as there was nothing much to update and I wanted to try and move forward. I came here hoping to save my marriage, but I’m coming to accept that it is over. I’m doing OK, and my therapist said yesterday that I was stronger than she had ever seen me.
I haven’t spoken to the STBXW since we met before Christmas and as I said in my previous update, was SO angry at me and was waiting until the New Year to file for divorce. She sent a Christmas and New Year text, but apart from that, zero communication. I’ve been waiting for a message I received just now.

STBXW: Hi Magnhild. I would like us to meet to talk about what we have to sort out. When are you available to meet?

I thought I was beginning to detach, but I’m spinning. I don’t really feel like meeting with her and want to reply something along these lines:

Magnhild: I believe the way it’s done is for you to file with your proposal for settlement. Let me know what your suggestion for settlement is. Email is best.

Advice gratefully received!

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Magnhild,

Glad you had a great trip! There will be ups and downs during the process but overall it sounds like you're much stronger and progressing in a positive direction.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
STBXW: Hi Magnhild. I would like us to meet to talk about what we have to sort out. When are you available to meet?

I thought I was beginning to detach, but I’m spinning. I don’t really feel like meeting with her and want to reply something along these lines:

Magnhild: I believe the way it’s done is for you to file with your proposal for settlement. Let me know what your suggestion for settlement is. Email is best.

Advice gratefully received!
Great response. There's no need to meet in person which may set you back and lead to emotional decisions. Dealing with it over email is absolutely appropriate. It'll give you time to settle yourself emotionally and respond later in a more rational manner. You may even direct her to your L, if you're so inclined.

Hopefully others will chime in but you may even try to trim the response down - most here say the fewer words the better.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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I agree with BL.

If a text sent you spinning, an in person meeting will probably set you back a bit emotionally.

I like your proposed text response.

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Thank you for your rapid replies.

Her response: I understand. Which email address do you wish to be contacted on? I just want us to do this in a friendly way.

I'm tempted to pour a bit of scorn regarding the "friendly way", but I'm sitting on simply sending her my email address and nothing more.

Right move?

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