Escaping the slow grind

[Taz]

Old Tread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2928280&#Post2928280

[Taz]

Old Thread:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878641&page=11

[Taz]

Wow,

It took me two years to exhaust my first thread. I come here and read daily but don't post much. My STBXW is a vanisher. I've not spoken to her in over a year but get a business text every few months. My Sons are growing up and I still support them as needed. They have minimal contact with her.


It amazes me how the long time posters on here are typically 100% correct when diagnosing the MCLers. I would have swore my wife was not in an EA or PA in the first year of my situation. I came to find out however that she was in a fantasy EA with a 17 year old high school high boy who she met while chaperoning a school Europe trip 6 months prior to BD. This explains her obsessing over the HS football and basketball teams the first year of BD as he was on the teams. A friend clued me into this about 6 moths ago. It gave me the answers that I needed. She is messed up.

I'm doing well. Got great friends and family support. I have no issues living alone. Have been working out like a madman and galling at every opportunity. looking forward to a great 2022.

Taz

[DnJ]

Hello Taz

It’s nice when we get some validation/proof of our situation. And wow, your STBXW was smitten with a high school lad. Yep, these poor folks are lost.

Glad to hear you are doing well and looking forward to the upcoming year.

They is STBXW and her L.

Oh, definitely have your own L involved. BTW, I was pretty sure you would and was happy to read you had that plan in place.

Great news about S22 being graduated. Is he having any luck getting some job offers in his field?

Take care.

D

[Taz]

Great news about S22 being graduated. Is he having any luck getting some job offers in his field?

D,

Yes S22 is working as a field service engineer for a industrial equipment manufacturer. He is currently living in Denver and spends most of his time working in California. He seems happy which is all we can ask as parents.

[OwnIt]

Taz, what a great update. Yes, happy and well-adjusted children is the greatest gift that we can ever have in this world!

[Taz]

Well evidently my counter offer was not accepted as we are now required to pursue court ordered mediation. So I finally decided to retain legal counsel. It was sad filling out the form but oddly brought me much peace afterward.

I was warned by a friend that her lawyer was pushing for her to ask for more. Hopefully since I have a lawyer retained hers will back off a bit. Seems odd that it took 11 months for them to digest the financials and make an offer, then not respond to my counter. The next offer will not be as generous.

Life is good. Been busy with Gal, work, and home projects. Planning some trips for summer and fall. Helping S21 get set up to take a school abroad course this summer. Got his passport and are booking flights this weekend.

Oh yeah S20 turned 21 last month. I visited him at school and attended his improv club show. Tried to take him out for a drink afterward but he said he’s not interested in alcohol. I may need to have him take a DNA test to confirm we are related.

Taz

[Ready2Change]

Hopefully since I have a lawyer retained hers will back off a bit.

My observation is the "negotiation" will pay both the lawyers handsomely.

That is where most of my anger still lingers.....

[BL42]

Taz,

What's the sticking point on the counter offer? Custody and child support are non-issues. Are you two far off on a particular area? Not sure about where you are, but often items are dictated by the statutes and the end result is similar to what both parties could've reasonably agreed to months or years earlier.

Good stuff on the Gal, work, home projects, and trip planning.

Got a good chuckle at the alcohol / DNA check comment.

[Taz]

Hey all time for an update:

So in September I had my 25th wedding anniversary and my 3rd BD anniversary and not much feeling about either of those. I was in the Key West during the latter and had a great time with friends. Got to stay 2 extra days as Ivan came through and shut down the airport. I had mediation on 11/7 and we came to an agreement. I got to keep the family home. 1/2 of my retirement funds, and 45% of my investment accounts. XW got to keep all of her retirement which offset her 1/2 of the home value. She didn't go after my business or my plot of the family farm but they used it as a bargaining tool to not have to include the post secondary education expenses I have paid since her filing date. I am content with the outcome but don't think it was much different that my original counter offer. My lawyer did a good job and I was very pleased with her work.

So as of 11/10 I am officially divorced. OK, so now what to do? GAL of course! Still hitting the gym hard and walking 5 miles a day minimum. thought about starting running again now that the planter fasciitus in my foot is healed but figured at my age maybe walking is better.

Have read NMG, Art of Seduction, and have a copy of 3% Man on deck next. Would like to put on 10 more pounds of muscle as I'm still down 20lbs from pre BD weight.

Go out with friends at least 3 nights a week and I am fine living alone. No plans for dating in the near future

S23 quit his job and has been taking a gap year(s) from working in the engineering field. He worked as a mountain guide in West Virginia and is currently working at a ski resort in Colorado. The old me would be busting his chops but I have let it go for him to figure out.

S21 took the LSAT and scored a 98%, so it looks like he will be going to law school next year after he graduates with his BSEE in May.

XW? I know that she moved into a new apartment, got a new job and bought a new car. I still haven't seen her since Thanksgiving 2020. I have only received 3 texts from her this year and they were only about business. S23 hasn't seen her in a year and S21 has seen her once. She is a true vanisher. I'm not not sure how I feel about her anymore. Apathetic when it comes to me and confused when it comes her relationship with our sons. I hope for their sake she figures it out. As part of the divorce settlement I have to collect a few things from the house to give her. All items that were hers before we started dating. When I saw the list I chuckled, what a lost soul.

Thanks for all the advice, this group was spot on.

Taz

[Ready2Change]

Thanks for the update. 55 here as well. I have been lacking in the exercise department. I always enjoyed the low impact of biking, so I will be starting that back up on the trainer so I can ride harder this spring.

[LH19]

No plans for dating in the near future

How come?

[job]

Taz,

Thank you for coming back and giving us an update. I am so sorry that things didn't work out, but you are a survivor.

Don't compare your life with others. The reason that I say this is that people, in general, want us to be happy and they think that once the ink is dry on the divorce decree that you should be out there searching for the next companion. For some that works, for others, it takes longer to get from Part A to Part B. You are wise to take this time for yourself. You will know when you are ready to date again. It may not be today, tomorrow or next month....but you will know.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Taz

How good to her from you!

Your divorce agreement does appear much like your counter proposal. By the sounds of it, you managed to retain that which was of value and importance to you - house, business, farm.

Yes, your XW is a vanisher. At first, it’s hard to fathom that one’s spouse could/would become who they now are. They are very lost souls. We do gain understanding, compassion, and let go; with much head shaking in bewilderment.

I'm not not sure how I feel about her anymore. Apathetic when it comes to me and confused when it comes her relationship with our sons. I hope for their sake she figures it out.

A perfectly normal and healthy state. Such is indifference. Muted and attenuated emotions.

And this, like all feelings, is merely temporary. I’ll share a bit.

I do recall feeling similar about my XW. Note: “About”. Felt about what she did, how treats me, how she treats the kids, how she is living her life, and so on. And I hoped, for the kids’ sake, she would figure it out.

That progressed to felt “towards” XW. Not about her, towards her. Less science experiment and more hurt lost soul. We do find understanding, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. We do shift our view. That rolling back of indifference.

And I hope for her sake she figures it out.

This shift happens for a variety of reasons. Some of the key ones are, I am captain of my ship, I control me. Also my kids are healed and doing fine. Many open conversation and addressing their concerns and questions. Getting through the teen years and to healthy adults. And love the person, forgive the sin. That really shifts one’s focus from about what happened and towards themselves and their values. For the place of true peace and contentment lay in us.

Well done with S23. I’ve had to bite my tongue more than once regarding my kids and their choices too. Letting them sort things out is part of their path and growth.

Take care Taz.

D

[Taz]

No plans for dating in the near future

How come?

Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

Always appreciate your candidness LH. I know I haven't asked for much advice in my sitch, but I read what you post to others and know you come from a good place. Keep it up.

T

[bttrfly]

Taz,
Yep - I hear ya on the not feeling it and also taking other posters' experiences as cautionary tales. I will say I've been feeling a little more open to maybe meeting someone lately, but ... I feel like a bit of a feral cat!

We will both get there when we're supposed to. Have a great day and glad you posted an update.

[BL42]

Taz,

Good to hear from you and glad things are going well for the most part.

I love the tradition you've started by going to Key West with friends over wedding anniversary / BD. Not sure if it's intentional or not, but think you should continue it.

How did you feel about the D finalizing? I bet there were some mixed emotions...grief and relief? Good news you got your key items (house, business & farm).

Well done on the exercise, reading, and GAL....keep it up!

No plans for dating in the near future

How come?

Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

Always appreciate your candidness LH. I know I haven't asked for much advice in my sitch, but I read what you post to others and know you come from a good place. Keep it up.

T

Great answer!

Well done by S21 and as for S23...not sure if you've followed ScottB in Newcomers but he's been doing all sorts of incredible trips for GAL turned me onto a book called Die With Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life by Bill Perkins. Interesting read; it would back up his decision to go explore while he's young. Maybe add it to your list. of books

In terms of XW, two things...

First, I feel mostly bad for your son's and the impact this is having on their relationship with their mother (or lack there of). Not that your struggle isn't important, but the kids seem even more wronged than a spouse...if that makes sense. I only mean in my sitch I can understand if the marriage is working or blaming the spouse for all your problems, but abandoning the kids seems extra harsh.

Second, in responding to this I re-read your entire thread (again). Not to rehash the past, and I'm assuming you have thought of this but wondering if you ever pondered your 5/17/20 - Returning S19's HS Yearbook & CC pullover post with your later posts on 11/8/20 - Interesting Rumors, 1/18/21 - Discovery, and 1/18/21 - Fooling around with former classmate, and 1/11/22 - Fantasy WA with 17yo while chaperoning. In reading through the whole sitch it now seems like borrowing the yearbook and sports pullover is foreshadowing to her trist with your son's classmate.

Anyway, glad to hear you're doing well. Keep us posted once in awhile.

[Gerda]

Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

T

I really respect and admire that, Taz. My BD series started in 2013, and he filed in 2018, and I am finally waiting for trial in February. I have teens and don't see how I could ever keep food on the table, pursue my art and also find time to go on a date, let alone be a caring and loving partner to someone.

That said, I noticed recently that I caught myself wishing someone would want to take me to dinner once, just to get to have some great conversation with an adult who thought of me as more than a friend. The thought of someone intentionally asking to spend time with me (and actually pay for my food!) seems so impossible and amazing. I would never do the on-line thing but I do sometimes think of it, not to find a partner but just go to dinner!

Also totally agree about the kids. Sometimes I want to pressure mine and sometimes I do, but mostly I try to keep the lines of trust and communication open. I am reading (listening to actually) a lot of books on childhood trauma (most notably the Body Keeps the Score and What Happened to You but for a manly approach I also liked Own Your Past, Change Your Future) to work out my own childhood trauma and how it led me to marry such a dark force of a man -- but I also realize how deeply my kids are living out the trauma they experienced in small ways everyday -- anxiety, aches and pains, fears, lack of focus. My main job is to love them with as much openness of heart as I can find.

(Also your son is correct! I love WV, my mom moved out to Harper's Ferry some years back and I was always amazed at how gorgeous it is, so healing, so much clarity out there in the woods and mountains. As a kid we used to camp at Cunningham Falls, I forget if that's WV or the edge of MD/VA.)

Hey, Taz, based on your posts since you arrived, you seem like a really good guy who does not engage ever in BS. That's unusual! I think if/when you are ever ready, someone will be lucky to spend time with you. But if you aren't, it's also excellent that you are complete on your own. I think that's where I am too.

[Taz]

Gerda,

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I feel for you and your complicated situation. At the core we are good people and perhaps flawed like all humans. Hate to see all the suffering endured by the children. They deserve better.

HD

[Taz]

Time for an update,

Life is good. Still hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and walking daily. Put on 5lbs and am now only 15lbs below pre BD weight which is a healthy weight for me. Work is good as our firm had our best year ever. I am starting to think about retirement but don’t have any concrete plans as of yet. Go out with friends 3 nights a week and vacation twice a year with my usual crew. 4 year BD and 1 year divorce anniversaries passed with minimal feelings. Not dating but have some new female friends that I socialize with.

S24 is still taking a break from white collar work. This year he has worked at a BSA high adventure camp in the Florida Keys, a fall camp in WV teaching elementary kids outdoor skills, and is now back in Colorado working at a ski resort. He seems to be enjoying life to the fullest. I only provide guidance if asked. He has applied to graduate school for a masters in an engineering technology that will start in late summer if accepted. He lives with me in between assignments.

S22 graduated with his BSEE in May (3.99GPA) and has started law school. Fortunately he has a full tuition scholarship so I only assist with room and board. He is planning on focusing on intellectual property law and has been interviewing for summer internships. Kid is a genius. Kind of humbling when you have to face that your kids are smarter that you.

My XMIL still sends me holiday and b-day greeting cards. She calls me occasionally to chat and ask about my parents and the boys. I never mention or ask about XW.

XW?? She’s a full time vanisher and haven’t heard from her in over a year. S24 told me he had lunch with her this spring after not seeing her in over 2 years. S22 hasn’t seen her in over 2 years which I assume is his choice. I do hope that one day she gets it together and attempts to reconcile with them.

Taz

[DnJ]

Good Morning Taz

How wonderful to hear from you. Sounds like you’ve nicely found your groove. Gym, daily walks, vacations, work, firing on all cylinders my friend.

Your boys are doing excellent!

Kind of humbling when you have to face that your kids are smarter that you.

So very true.

XW?? She’s a full time vanisher and haven’t heard from her in over a year. S24 told me he had lunch with her this spring after not seeing her in over 2 years. S22 hasn’t seen her in over 2 years which I assume is his choice. I do hope that one day she gets it together and attempts to reconcile with them.

I hear you man. Such is the journey of the vanisher.

You are a success Taz. Keep it up.

Have an awesome day!

D