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ScottB Offline OP
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Well, the date with the court has been set: 10am on 2/28/2022.

I felt sad when I got that from my attorney, and maybe a little disbelief. I let some people in my support network know. I dropped my daughter off at sports and while she had practice I went back and reread the last two years worth of notes that I've made.

After nearly every interaction I had with my STBEx I would write down what happened for two reasons; 1) because she would late change the story, and 2) because I wanted to be able to recall the journey.

As I read everything, it was unbelievable how much of the blame I took for everything. It was also apparent that she is either unhinged or simply a manipulative lunatic. It was hard to comprehend all of the horrible things she said and did to me.

And that timeline didn't include the couple of year from the affair in 2016 through 11/2019.

So it needs to end. Its better for me. My life will be better.

BUT that doesn't change the impact to the kids. Holding my daughter as she cries herself to sleep on Christmas Eve, when she still believes in Santa was heart wrenching - and it doesn't matter if it will get better - it still was.

I literally just had a parent teacher conference and I feel like my son is spiraling - getting his first F ever and I learned he isn't turning in homework. He basically is no longer doing school - the Ex will say it has nothing to do with the divorce, but his change lines up 100% with it.

I feel like my daughter is at least letting it out and processing her emotions and her school and relationships are holding at a level. Today I felt that some of my concerns with my son were confirmed in that he's not showing any visible pain, but he's not doing well and I'm not sure he's even aware of the pain he's going through, I think he has disassociated from it.

He doesn't want to do counseling. We had him going but he wouldn't open up. I'm trying to spend time with him and be there for him, but this feels bigger. It makes me sad.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Well, the date with the court has been set: 10am on 2/28/2022.
Sorry to hear Scotty B but it is the last step in the legal process.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I felt sad when I got that from my attorney, and maybe a little disbelief. I let some people in my support network know. I dropped my daughter off at sports and while she had practice I went back and reread the last two years worth of notes that I've made.
I am surprised at this point there was any disbelief.
Originally Posted by ScottB
As I read everything, it was unbelievable how much of the blame I took for everything.
Of course this is all your fault.
Originally Posted by ScottB
It was also apparent that she is either unhinged or simply a manipulative lunatic.

Can you give examples on why you think this?
Originally Posted by ScottB
It was hard to comprehend all of the horrible things she said and did to me.

Can you give examples on why you think this?
Originally Posted by ScottB
So it needs to end. Its better for me. My life will be better.
This!!!!!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted by ScottB
BUT that doesn't change the impact to the kids. Holding my daughter as she cries herself to sleep on Christmas Eve, when she still believes in Santa was heart wrenching - and it doesn't matter if it will get better - it still was.
I had one of these moments after Thanksgiving three years later. Not going to lie they are rough.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I literally just had a parent teacher conference and I feel like my son is spiraling - getting his first F ever and I learned he isn't turning in homework. He basically is no longer doing school - the Ex will say it has nothing to do with the divorce, but his change lines up 100% with it.

So not turning in hiomework is unacceptable. It may be because of the D and it may not be. Teenage boys are lazy and you need to get on top of this right away.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I feel like my daughter is at least letting it out and processing her emotions and her school and relationships are holding at a level. Today I felt that some of my concerns with my son were confirmed in that he's not showing any visible pain, but he's not doing well and I'm not sure he's even aware of the pain he's going through, I think he has disassociated from it.
Talk to him.
Originally Posted by ScottB
He doesn't want to do counseling. We had him going but he wouldn't open up. I'm trying to spend time with him and be there for him, but this feels bigger. It makes me sad.
Divorce is sad. Even our w/exws would agree with that. Be the Rock for him Scotty B. Remember that bringing a starnge woman around at this time will affect him.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Well, the date with the court has been set: 10am on 2/28/2022.
It's tough, but hopefully hopefully you'll find some relief with the D process officially completing.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I felt sad when I got that from my attorney, and maybe a little disbelief.
Completely understandable. It's a sad process & outcome. I remember, even after several months of strength, having a breakdown when reviewing the first formal settlement proposal as well as when I got word the D have officially processes. That, after those down moments, my strength began to build up again.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I let some people in my support network know.
Good! It's so important to have friends and family to lean on. My network has helped me tremendously.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I went back and reread the last two years worth of notes that I've made.

After nearly every interaction I had with my STBEx I would write down what happened for two reasons; 1) because she would late change the story, and 2) because I wanted to be able to recall the journey.

As I read everything, it was unbelievable how much of the blame I took for everything. It was also apparent that she is either unhinged or simply a manipulative lunatic. It was hard to comprehend all of the horrible things she said and did to me.

And that timeline didn't include the couple of year from the affair in 2016 through 11/2019.

So it needs to end. Its better for me. My life will be better.
Must've been insightful to read through the history, to validate your memories of her actions and see the progress you've made throughout the sitch.

Originally Posted by ScottB
BUT that doesn't change the impact to the kids. Holding my daughter as she cries herself to sleep on Christmas Eve, when she still believes in Santa was heart wrenching - and it doesn't matter if it will get better - it still was.
Once we process things ourselves the hardest part is helping the kids process it. I don't think I'll ever forget my then S4 looking out the window and crying saying "I just want to see my mommy on m other's day" (she wanted a weekend to "herself") or the 45 mins he broke down crying himself to sleep after soccer practice, or D3's meltdowns. It's so heartbreaking. Keep being the best dad you can be for them. That's all we can do.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I literally just had a parent teacher conference and I feel like my son is spiraling - getting his first F ever and I learned he isn't turning in homework. He basically is no longer doing school - the Ex will say it has nothing to do with the divorce, but his change lines up 100% with it.
Whether it's related to the D or not, and that's likely a factor, try to stay on top of his education and help him not. Not if STBXW will help/coordinate with that or not, but hopefully.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I feel like my daughter is at least letting it out and processing her emotions and her school and relationships are holding at a level. Today I felt that some of my concerns with my son were confirmed in that he's not showing any visible pain, but he's not doing well and I'm not sure he's even aware of the pain he's going through, I think he has disassociated from it.

He doesn't want to do counseling. We had him going but he wouldn't open up. I'm trying to spend time with him and be there for him, but this feels bigger. It makes me sad.
Good your daughter is letting out her emotions. Keep trying with your son as well. Maybe he will in time. Maybe if you keep him in IC he'll open up there in time. It's tough. Again, just keep being the best dad you can.

Hang in there, ScottB. We're all rooting for you and your kids.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Regarding your S's grades, the D may have been the trigger. Many kids go through divorce without blowing up their grades, and many teens blow up their grades without a divorce. I hope you and your XW are able to work--either independently or together--to discover why your son's choosing this way to act out and what can be done to modify his behavior. At 13 there probably are at least some carrots and sticks (e.g., screen time) that can be effectively applied to him.

I'm so sorry you went through that experience with your D. I initiated my D just after New Years' and we did Easter together, so, fortunately, my kids were well-adjusted when the next Christmas rolled around. It sounds like a really wretched way to spend Christmas Eve.

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LH: on the divorce actually happening, maybe disbelief isn't quite the right word. I don't know how to describe the feeling.

On her being unhinged or a lunatic - nah, I'm not going back through it. Bottomline, reading back through everything continues to let me know that its healthiest for it to end and for me to move on.

BL: I agree with everything you wrote.

Ugh. Hurts my heart what you went through with your kids. Those are hard moments.

CW: All and all Christmas was fine, just a little sad being the first one. And it made me very sad that my daughter was crying that night. All I can do is my best to be there for her.

Anyhow, thanks All!

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One day you'll look back and realize she did you a favor. And the kids will eventually get through it all. Kids would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home. And with your STBXW the best you could have hoped for a was a toxic intact home.

Onward and upward!


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ScottB,
Originally Posted by ScottB
LH: on the divorce actually happening, maybe disbelief isn't quite the right word. I don't know how to describe the feeling.
The word that resonates with me to describe the feeling is "surreal". It's not that I disbelieve my situation - thinking rationally I recognize it's now my life - but occasionally I'll get this out of body feeling like "how am I divorced and a single dad" and it just seems surreal (especially knowing who I am as a man and knowing other much worse situations where couples worked through things). Anyway...I wonder if that word may fit your feelings.

Originally Posted by ScottB
On her being unhinged or a lunatic - nah, I'm not going back through it. Bottomline, reading back through everything continues to let me know that its healthiest for it to end and for me to move on.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
One day you'll look back and realize she did you a favor.
I've heard a lot of people say this both online and in real life - LBS's who look back years later with perspective and realize how much better off and happier they are then years prior (even though while in the midst of the situation they can't imagine that). I guess time will tell. I also wonder if they can really know that, or maybe if both parties had been willing to work through it they could've been just as happy in their marriage. But, as is pointed out here, that's not up to us.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by ScottB
On her being unhinged or a lunatic - nah, I'm not going back through it. Bottomline, reading back through everything continues to let me know that its healthiest for it to end and for me to move on.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
One day you'll look back and realize she did you a favor.
I've heard a lot of people say this both online and in real life - LBS's who look back years later with perspective and realize how much better off and happier they are then years prior (even though while in the midst of the situation they can't imagine that). I guess time will tell. I also wonder if they can really know that, or maybe if both parties had been willing to work through it they could've been just as happy in their marriage. But, as is pointed out here, that's not up to us.

BL, you make a good point. But the problem is that you cannot control your spouse. In my case, if my spouse had been unwilling to change or work on things, then I can honestly say that I would have been better off D'd than trying to hang on. MR 1.0 was not working for either of us. The LBS sometimes looks pre-BD with rose colored glasses about how wonderful things were, yet in most cases they were pretty miserable themselves. So yes, IF the WAS is willing to change/work on things then maybe it would be hard to know that. However, in a lot of cases the WAS is done and walking away no matter what the LBS does. That is untenable, and eventually the LBS, after having moved forward and found their own happiness then they can look back and say it was for the best.


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
BL, you make a good point. But the problem is that you cannot control your spouse.
Understood, hence the "But, as is pointed out here, that's not up to us.". Just pointing out it seems the "better off" comments don't necessarily factor in the "what could have been". But completely understand that depends on both parties and we can only control on our actions.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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BL for me it was i would look back at specific snapshots of our life. Taking the kids to the beach, going to see our favorite band, sexy Saturdays. All minor parts of our life. Forgetting that basically every day she was biotching, yelling about something.

Those are all faded memories now. There is absolutely zero conflict in my life right now. I have raised my voice to the kids less then a handful of times in over three years. No lie.

The funny thing is my son called me to come over a few Sundays back and I could hear biotching about a phone charger in the background and I had PTSD about it. Seriously it was strong.

I still think my marriage was fixable if she put in the effort but as Steve says the number one thing you learn is you can only control you.

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