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BL42,

FWIW, I would allow myself revenge fantasies sometimes, to include calling the place of business and blowing up all the careers involved, to calling the top officer of the branch of service and have him smacked with punishment.....it was all fantasy. It helped, in it's own way. Then I took a deep breath and released that vengeance to God. That helped in a great way.

If I can't change the feeling, I can certainly change the thought. So, at times, if I wanted to really get dirty and think about how I would ruin him, I did that. And then I decided, chose, who I want to be and where I would spend my energy. And after time and healing and setbacks and forward movement, I just don't need to do that anymore. BUT. I give myself permission to feel however I feel and accept and release it.

You truly are doing great!!

x


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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BL42 Offline OP
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So...it happened. I turned 40 over the weekend. Yikes! I don't feel old, but there was certainly a time in my life when I did consider this age old ;-) LOL

Some of you may remember I was cooped up last year in my house COVID-quarantining with the kids for my 39th. We celebrated with a small cake, candles, and ice cream delivered to our front door via InstaCart. That was actually kind of nice in a way, very intimate...though by the 17th day of having a then 5yo and 2yo within 20ft of me 24/7 I was getting a bit bunkers! Haha.

Anyway I said to myself I'd go all out this year for the BIG 4-0...throw a bash with all my friends and family or even fly to the Caribbean for a vacation, but with COVID uncertainty and honestly with life moving so fast those plans didn't come together.

Instead I took the kiddos on a weekend getaway out of state. We sat front row at Disney on Ice. D3 (in costume) was enthralled by Elsa, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and Minnie Mouse; S6 couldn't get over Maui and actual the fire on the ice. We then stayed overnight at a huge indoor water park where D3 took seemingly endless runs on the kiddie water slides and S6 went round and round the lazy river, shot hoops in the pool, and couldn't get enough of winning tickets for junky prizes at the arcade. My sister and niece even traveled down for an evening visit before we left on the trip. Birthday weekend was a huge success. We made some great memories :-)

I never expected to be a divorced 40yo single dad, but I'm striving to make the most of it. Overall life is actually pretty good. Sure I'm working through my emotions surrounding my sitch, but when I look objectively so many aspects are going great. I'm blessed with two wonderful children, fortunate to have such supportive family, a solid crew of friends, good health, a strong career and finances...etc. Not too bad.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Well, happy big 4-0!!!!! Welcome to the club. We were on lockdown for my 40th as well, no restaurants were open, no bars, no traveling, nada. I went to my dads with my D, we ordered take out Mexican and margs and I passed out in the recliner by 10! For 41 my friend threw me a small surprise pool party at her house and it was awesome.

I always enjoyed Disney on ice. The kids love it. And indoor water parks are always for the win. Bet I know where you went, lol. I’m taking my D and her friend on Presidents’ Day. She still loves them and I still love them.

Every aspect of your life seems pretty damn good! It’s good to not let divorce make everything positive negative. Funny how we tend to rate success in life based on our marital/ relationship ship status. It’s just a small part of our success in life

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Good Morning BL

Happy 40th Birthday!

The weekend sounded like a blast. And, two kids that got to celebrate Dad’s 40th with him. Those will certainly be cherished memories, for kids and you.

It’s wonderful to hear you speak of how blessed you are; two wonderful kids at the top of the list. Life is pretty great.

Keep working through those temporary feelings. Remember they are fleeting. Valid yes, and fleeting. Treat them as such.

Now go rest. You are an old man. Hahaha. Just kidding. Lol.

Have a great day BL.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Happy 4-0, young'un! wink I'm staring 52 in the face in a few weeks, so 40 is just a pleasant, but somewhat distant memory for me. Though it may not be the year/age you planned or hoped for, it sounds like you are killing it all the same. Here's to a wonderful year!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Originally Posted by BL42
I never expected to be a divorced 40yo single dad, but I'm striving to make the most of it. Overall life is actually pretty good. Sure I'm working through my emotions surrounding my sitch, but when I look objectively so many aspects are going great. I'm blessed with two wonderful children, fortunate to have such supportive family, a solid crew of friends, good health, a strong career and finances...etc. Not too bad.

I hear you on this BL. Happy 40th! Life is only going to get better for you mate, just got to keep working on that game!

What's the latest?


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Ginger1/DnJ/Dawn70/OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, happy big 4-0!!!!! Welcome to the club.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning BL Happy 40th Birthday!
Originally Posted by Dawn70
Happy 4-0, young'un! wink I'm staring 52 in the face in a few weeks, so 40 is just a pleasant, but somewhat distant memory for me. Though it may not be the year/age you planned or hoped for, it sounds like you are killing it all the same. Here's to a wonderful year!
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I hear you on this BL. Happy 40th! Life is only going to get better for you mate, just got to keep working on that game!
Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I went to my dads with my D, we ordered take out Mexican and margs and I passed out in the recliner by 10!
Mexican food and margaritas sound incredible...wish I could be out on a deck in the warm sun enjoying some right now instead of the dead of Winter!

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I always enjoyed Disney on ice. The kids love it.
They put on a good show. Adults can appreciate the skaters' skill, but the real selling point is the kid's reaction.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
And indoor water parks are always for the win. Bet I know where you went, lol. I’m taking my D and her friend on Presidents’ Day. She still loves them and I still love them.
Awesome, enjoy! If it's the same one, they have an impressive facility and plenty of water rides for all ages.

Originally Posted by DnJ
It’s wonderful to hear you speak of how blessed you are; two wonderful kids at the top of the list. Life is pretty great.
Thanks, and indeed!

Originally Posted by DnJ
Keep working through those temporary feelings. Remember they are fleeting. Valid yes, and fleeting. Treat them as such.
Will do. I have my work cut out for me there. Definitely still have trigger points, and to Ginger's latest post may have them for quite some time.

[quote=DnJ]Now go rest. You are an old man. Hahaha. Just kidding. Lol.
Just kidding...sort of! LOL


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
What's the latest?
My life is mostly kids and GAL. After my birthday weekend with the kids I was fortunate to also spend time with them Mon, Wed, and Fri during ExW's week. Then a very active "off" weekend. Friday evening a bunch of guys got together for our simulator golf league and then took me out for drinks afterwards for my birthday. Saturday AM gym work out, followed by ice skating in the afternoon, then dinner & drinks, sim golf, and playoff football games in the evening with two buddies. Sunday I went skiing by myself most of the day - struck up a conversation on the lift with a few folks- then watched football in the evening. My now-40 year old body felt a bit worn down by all that! The kids came back to me early due to weather and I flexed out of work yesterday for the MLK Holiday and we had a blast sledding both right in my yard and at a popular local hill. More good times & experiences with S6 & D3.

The only item of note on the D/ExW front is confirmation she's leaving her current employer (the bigger/main one in our area) to accept a job at the other similar employer in town. She previously did not want to work for them, but perhaps the work situation and rumor mill are a factor. Not seeking it out, but have been told administration and many coworkers aren't happy about her actions with the affair and she's no longer in favor for advancement opportunities; guess that's a "not my monkeys not my circus" situation. It is a supervisor position so that could explain it as well. The D agreement requires notification of employer change which ExW hasn't done yet, and a higher compensation level could potentially impact financial obligations, so we'll see if she fulfills her legal responsibility - I proactively reached out to my attorney with the info.

No updates/progress on the dating front. Finding very few OLD profiles with any promise, and even those I am potentially interested in don't seem to respond. I read some advice on Ginger & LH's threads; maybe I'll start my own discussion here at some point. The setups friends have mentioned have not come to fruition, and while I have a great career working remotely does not lend to meeting anyone in real life.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by BL42
My life is mostly kids and GAL. After my birthday weekend with the kids I was fortunate to also spend time with them Mon, Wed, and Fri during ExW's week. Then a very active "off" weekend. Friday evening a bunch of guys got together for our simulator golf league and then took me out for drinks afterwards for my birthday. Saturday AM gym work out, followed by ice skating in the afternoon, then dinner & drinks, sim golf, and playoff football games in the evening with two buddies. Sunday I went skiing by myself most of the day - struck up a conversation on the lift with a few folks- then watched football in the evening. My now-40 year old body felt a bit worn down by all that! The kids came back to me early due to weather and I flexed out of work yesterday for the MLK Holiday and we had a blast sledding both right in my yard and at a popular local hill. More good times & experiences with S6 & D3.

Not only does it sound like you're killing it on the kids and GAL front, sounds like you're buidling a nice little post D life, that's the goal so well done!

Originally Posted by BL42
No updates/progress on the dating front. Finding very few OLD profiles with any promise, and even those I am potentially interested in don't seem to respond. I read some advice on Ginger & LH's threads; maybe I'll start my own discussion here at some point. The setups friends have mentioned have not come to fruition, and while I have a great career working remotely does not lend to meeting anyone in real life.

Take every opportunity in real life to approach women you find attractive, say hi, strike up a normal conversation like they are a normal person....because they are. You will get rejected more often than not but who cares! I have had great success just meeting people in normal settings, I don't think I'll ever go to OLD now.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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So today marks the two year anniversary of Bomb Day. I have a visceral memory of it...

Lying in bed sick from then-D1 and being contagious staying away from the rest of the family (not COVID, though my sitch closely aligns with the pandemic), now-ExW downstairs making dinner. She oddly got very angry with me for asking benign questions about the illness (she's in the medical field) and planning for then-S4's upcoming birthday party. She came upstairs and asked if I was happy and said she thinks we needed to separate, and I was stunned. Lying in bed sick from D1 I thought at first it was a fight and we'd work through, and then later after the kids went to bed talking for two hours and realizing my life might be coming apart.

Keep in mind this was just two weeks after we returned from what I thought was a very nice happy family vacation and a day after Valentines Day which I brought her flowers, an expensive custom card, and her favorite dessert (though she did nothing to reciprocate). It was also odd earlier that day she asked my mom to watch the kids for an hour even while I was in bed sick so she could get her nails done with her girlfriends, and instead stayed out most of the day. Looking back on it with perspective something was definitely up with her months prior, though we had a very nice weekend getaway for our 6th anniversary in September, I threw her a 35th birthday party for friends and family in October, and Christmas seemed good.

It still seems a bit surreal to me. Seemingly a lifetime ago now (back then the days seemed like months) and I've made good progress, but have to admit I've been riled up a bit and spinning at times in the last week or two, maybe because of the BD anniversary which will forever be associated with Valentines Day (sound familiar Ginger?). Although I can't possibly imagine taking her back at this point (not that she'd even try), I also hate my kids have to bounce back and forth and don't have the family unit they deserve and also if I'm being honest feel embarrassed at times I'm divorced. It feels surreal it "happened to me" for lack of a better phrase, and I wonder what people around town I know think.

There have been a few reminders contributing to my BD anniversary feelings. First, in digging up some work info on my laptop recently I happened upon my notes from the beginning of the sitch and IHS. It took me less than 24hrs to realize something wasn't right, and did tons of research on OM1 and his wife even had my buddy call him and a female mutual friend who worked at the same employer look into him (she would be shocked if he was the guy because he was "unattractive and scummy"). Anyway, it was an odd feeling to see those notes again. Second, I went on an annual trip with high school friends this past weekend (we skipped last year due to COVID) so the last time we went was two years ago a week or two after BD and I didn't really want to go. A couple of the guys commented I seemed to be doing much better (was checking phone logs repeatedly, not eating, all depressed...etc.). Third, video chatting with the kids this weekend while away and D3 takes the phone and runs around saying "this is OM2!" and "this is Ex-MIL!". I smile for her, but felt like a knife in my side and put a damper on the call (I realize not because of D3 - she doesn't know - just my own feelings to process), and it's certainly stirred up feelings of ill-will and desire of karma towards ExW, OM2, and Ex-MIL.

Recently D3 has been asking a lot of questions about "mommy" and how we used to live together and maybe she'll move back together. First, when toweling her off from a bath-time and she asked about the pet dog (lived with me 9 of 11 years) and maybe mommy and doggy could move back into daddy's house so we could all live together. I was admittedly caught off guard and I didn't know how to respond and just said something like "wouldn't that be nice, but that's up to mommy". Not sure if that was the best answer. Second, then a few days later my mom was driving her back from preschool and D3 mentioned she liked "mommy's old house better" and my mom said yes she had been there when daddy lived there and D3 asked several times "did mommy AND daddy live together? Did we all live together in the same house?", which my mom confirmed was true, and that gave D3 pause and then D3 said "I wish mommy and daddy and S6 and me lived all together still in daddy's house". And then yesterday D3 said she wants me to come so I can see her room in mommy's house. So...not sure the best way to respond and answer these items. I try to be honest without making her sad or talking poorly of ExW.

Objectively I'm doing so much better than a year or two ago, but still have emotions to process.

I'm typing this update while waiting for the kids to come back from their dinner night with ExW during my week with them. Life has certainly changed.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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