Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
DnJ #2928568 01/18/22 04:55 PM
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 283
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 283
Likes: 1
Good morning, D! Or, its morning as I write this anyways smile

I wanted to thank you for the above regarding forgiveness vs acceptance. That really helped me today. I find that I am in a similar spot as LH. For the most part, I am doing really good! But I do struggle with the forgiveness part. I realize that I have been try to forgive her, not her actions. This is hard because she continues to make decisions that I find difficult to understand, so that struggle with forgiveness is an ongoing one. I think if I work on forgiving her actions that set things in motion, and then work on accepting the fallout from it, that will help a lot. Thank you for that perspective!

I appreciate you!


Me: 43 yrs
W: 40 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 18 yrs
Daughter: 16 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
DnJ #2928605 01/19/22 01:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
Hello S

You are very welcome.

Originally Posted by sjohns6
I realize that I have been try to forgive her, not her actions.

Yes, forgiveness is for the actions. Love the sinner, and forgive the sin.

Originally Posted by sjohns6
This is hard because she continues to make decisions that I find difficult to understand, so that struggle with forgiveness is an ongoing one.

Remove her underlining decision making from your forgiveness equation. Focus on the actions.

Considering the “why” and her “reasons” is useful (and needed) for understanding and acceptance.

Forgiveness and acceptance are closely related, yet have subtle and clear differences.

Originally Posted by sjihns6
I think if I work on forgiving her actions that set things in motion, and then work on accepting the fallout from it, that will help a lot.

Remove the “that set things in motion” part. That just reinforces blameful feelings and beliefs, and places you unwittingly on a higher moral ground. It’s hard to genuinely forgive when you and her are so uneven.

Remember, forgiveness is for you. Not her. Oh, the counter-intuitiveness of that.

Forgiveness is writing paid in full upon that invoice you hold in your heart against her. Forgiveness has nothing to do with her. She cannot earn it. This is why you focus upon the actions, the transgressions upon you, not the behind the behaviour reasoning or immoral plotting or whatever. Forgiveness is for you, so focus on what has and is directly affecting you - her actions. Her thoughts and feelings and beliefs are mere noise that distracts from finding forgiveness.

Ego, our need to be right, firmly places a yoke upon us. One holds and drags a grudge around. Often, one doesn’t even realize the weight of such a burden. People are so much stronger than they realize, and can carry a grudge for years and years.

Forgiveness is us removing our self imposed yoke and shackles. With our grudge and need for retribution removed, all that strength that we were using to carry it around is available - and it uplifts! The freedom is incredible. To be free from such an unrealized burden is simply amazing once you achieve it.

Add that new found strength to one’s already know fortitude and one becomes quite formidable. Beliefs, values, convictions all increase in intensity. In letting go, we gain so much more.

Forgiveness is such strength and freedom. Acceptance is such emotional clarity and understanding. The peace one finds is hard to describe. A great life and great love of life is within each of us. Forgiveness, especially of one’s self, is a huge step along that path.

I know working on forgiving her actions, and accepting the fallout will have great benefits. And quite a shift in perspective.

I much appreciate your post and you S.

Have a great evening.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928795 01/22/22 03:42 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
Good Morning

An interesting week. A Technician of mine contracted Covid. And with that, three of us, me and two other Technicians, were not allowed on site. So I ended up working from home.

Three days, Tuesday to Thursday, of not commuting, of sleeping in later, and working from my kitchen table. It’s been, as I said interesting.

This situation left only two Technician available. An outage was simply parked. No staff to work on the breaker. During the week, two line problems, and a tap changer failure. The poor left behind guys had to struggle to try to repair it in some very cold conditions.

Yesterday we all returned, expect the guy with Covid, he still has a few more days of quarantine. However, the weather had ramped up over night. The wind was blowing so hard and the snow filled in roads and stations. It took me from 7:00 - 8:00 on Friday morning to clear enough snow to get out of my drive - just the circle part, the long roadway was reasonable clear. The drifted in 100 feet diameter circle was around two feet deep. I only cleared a Prius wide path down the shortest path.

I arrived at work 60 minutes late. I think that is the third or fourth time I’ve ever been that late to work in 32 years. The memorable “being late” was J telling me she was pregnant with our first child. Stunned, happy, a little scared, and a host of other emotions; and I ended up getting to work pretty late that day - with explanation. smile

The gale force winds blew all Thursday night from the south. There was a nice snow drift in my house by the south facing main door. With pressure washer force winds it blasts in through the tiny crack of the weather stripping and door sweep. And that wind completely filled in my days earlier completely cleared drive, deck, and walkways.

Anyhow, the winds continued in intensity all day Friday, but slowly changed their direction. By the time I came home the winds was now blowing from the north. This was a welcomed event, as my house, the bushes, and the town all blocked the northern winds. It was rather calm in my yard, the snow squall stopping at the highway at the edge of the property.

And yes, what a snow squall/blizzard. The blowing snow certainly limited visibility. There were plenty of vehicles in the ditch along my journey home. Everyone had a tow truck or other multi-vehicle help so I needed not to stop and render assistance.

Luckily my roads were still open. To the north of work the highways were closed; pretty much from the west side to the east side of the province. The RCMP had shut down Winnipeg’s perimeter highway. That’s a big deal. I can’t remember the last time that happened. We live in these conditions for like 4-5 (it seems like 9) months a years. It must have been bad.

Anyhow, I got home safe and sound. Carried in a few supplies and groceries, as I had been isolating since Saturday. (My Technician got sick on Friday but was only confirmed on Monday, still I errored on the side of caution.) I carried the dog food to the awaiting hungry girls and found the pen and walkway full of snow. As mentioned, I completely cleared all this just days ago. The gate and walkway to the dog house and food dish had a 30” snow drift. The dogs were standing there, tails wagging, necks at the top rail of the 4 foot heigh chain link fence. Lol.

I didn’t dig anything out, simply stepped over the gate. The snow is packed so hard I don’t even sink. I walked over to the dog house and slid down the 30” drift into the bowl shaped space created from the lee of their dog house. The food dish, a old heavy metal washtub so it doesn’t blow around, sits right next to their house under the metal roof overhang. Keeps the food dry when it rains. Not that the food sits around that long. Haha.

I petted the happy dogs, them standing on the drift, face to face with me. I then crawled up the 30” wall. No walk for the dogs that night. I could have easily encouraged them to hop over the fence to join me. However, that is behaviour I don’t want. They could easily hop, well the younger one, could easily hop the fence without the aid of a snow drift. That is unknown to them. Best to keep their conditioning as is. It’s kind of funny to see them stopped by a fence only 12 inches high. Such good doggies.

Today’s work load now includes cleaning out all this snow. My dogs are well behaved and like to remain in their pen, outside critters not so. The fence is also to keep things out and away from them. Rabid skunks, coyotes, other dogs (especially other dogs), and so on.

Breakfast is done. The sky is overcast. It is -22C and there is no wind. Best get to it. I got lots to do.

Have a wonderful day.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928798 01/22/22 06:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,496
Likes: 210
K
kml Online
Member
Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,496
Likes: 210
Sounds like you got a little preview of retirement! I imagine you look at these hard days now and think “this is my last winter doing this!”?

Glad you don’t seem to have caught Covid. You should be fine. (Although I did have one patient last week who didn’t get symptoms until 14 days after her only known or even possible exposure, but she’s quite the outlier. )

DnJ #2928808 01/23/22 05:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
Good Morning

Oh yes kml, this retirement preview is definitely solidifying my desire and plans.


Last night I had mom over for supper and movies. Mom brought supper - meatballs, scalloped potatoes, and cream corn. Just had to reheat.

Her and I are watching the Marvel movies. The entire Avengers movies, the Marvel universe. There is like 31 movies, we just watched number 3 and 4 last night. We are watching them in chronological order and not in theatrical release order.

Mom’s never seen any of these movies. For me this will be my second time watching the entire saga from start to finish; and many times that for specific single movies. She is quite enjoying them. Captain America, Captain Marvel, Iron Man, and Iron Man 2. Next Saturday, on to Thor. Seems we have some plans for a while. Lol.


My snow clearing of yesterday took five hours. The drifts were so packed. The chiseling out of snow blocks from the dog pen entrance would have crafted a nice igloo. It was so heavy and thick, it took three levels of shovelling/lifting to clear a section down to ground. The ice scraper chiselling the outline of the block, and then horizontally breaking the drift into manageable pieces.

And both dogs standing right there! At the gate. Their heads above the fence. Lol. Excited and probably wondering why I wasn’t letting them out. They always stand with their front paws upon the top fence rail as I walk up. Eager for their first pets and greetings. It looked very funny a couple of 100 lbs dogs standing on a fence that is lower than their head. Like a push-up position. Haha. Could literally just walk over the fence.

Once I got my side cleared, I open the chain link gate and the younger one hopped down, the older one looked, paused, looked again, paused again, and then eventually picked her way down. She is quite old and her hips hurt.

I did use my walk behind snowblower plenty; the dog pen gate being really the only fully hand cleared area. Oh, and the dog house. The south blowing wind filled in the house. Just like mine, they had a drift as well. Lol. A much larger drift, the entire doorway is open and crammed snow into the house. You could see their beds in the snow drift.

So, after getting the pen accessible, I made a pathway from gate to house and gate to heated water pail. That took like 30 minutes. The clearing of the path from house to pen was also lengthy, the snowblower would ride up the drift, I’d back up and go again. The drift being over the auger housing and being so packed.

My snowblower is a 5 HP Honda 28” with tracks. An awesome machine. And a purchase J/XW was so very p!ssed off about. She was so angry when I brought that home. We never had a walk behind snowblower, only the tractor. Her feelings were clearly not related to the actual snowblower, nor the purchase. Sigh, poor gal.

I did misjudge where the extension cord lay that feeds the heater water pail. I thought I stopped a foot short of it. Nope, drove over it. Luckily, the cord was pack under the still to clear last couple of inches of hard packed snow. I had to dig and follow the cord back from the pail to find where it actually went. What a pain! Careful digging and chipping through ice and snow to not nick or cut the cord. Once cleared, I suspended the cord from the deck swing to the fence post. It is now out of the way.

I cleared the other areas of snow which left only the big snow blowing. Basically, getting all the walking areas cleared to the roadways and then using the tractor to move the huge volume of snow out of the way. By this time my arms were sore. Hours of digging and maneuvering the blower. Ah, those tracks make it so sweet. Much better than wheel propelled, in my opinion. smile

I spent around an hour shovelling, three hours snow blowing, and the last hour using the tractor. Oh boy, a 100 HP tractor, heated cab, and 8 1/2 foot snowblower does move the snow! Even with that power and weight a few drifts blocked progress and I had to take another swipe at them.

Tons and tons and tons of snow was cleared. I took my dogs for walk down the freshly cleared lane. Took some pictures of my snow saga, and the finished product. Picked some garbage out of the ditch at the end of my lane. Chunks of metal strapping and junk. The wind blowing stuff around, and the plow blasting road debris into my ditch. The long twisted metal flashing sticking straight into the drifted snow was most likely ripped off some shed somewhere. Once I made my way to it, I could not just pull it out. I had to pry and kick it to loosen the drift’s grip.

Having my lane clear, I took my recycling to the depot. Upon my return, I fed my dogs. And relaxed for 90 minutes before picking up Mom.


This morning, after sleeping in a bit, I wandered downstairs just as a text rang in. A Sunday morning 8:00 am text. Hmmm. From who? I wondered.

Dad’s having troubles. This morning he awoke to some troubling symptoms. His vision is screwed up again. Those weird images are back when he closes his eyes. He is having extreme difficultly focusing and doing tasks - simple tasks. It took him 30 minutes to write the three paragraph text to me explaining his morning.

He got “lost” during his routine colostomy bag change. Firstly, the cutting of the end to the proper size was a complete mess. The cut all over the place. Then, ten minutes passed and he was still in the same state, no where further along. Just lost his place and where/when he is/was. He and the nurses believe he had a stroke. His behaviour certain fits.

I texted back, and then called him. We talked openly. He was awaiting the ambulance and is being taking to the hospital 40 minutes north - like when he had his heart attack - as it is the one on call. The doctor wants to see him and run some tests. Today! Right now!

Dad is clearly worried.

Hmmm.

I had a five minute pause in my usual top to bottom posting. The reason, considering what I said to my Dad.

<another pause>

Nope, I’m good.

Recently, there was quite a stir over my language used on OwnIt’s thread. Wording specifically meant for her. Sincere, from the heart, from my values, from my mind. I’ve always pledged to be honest and open and give the best advice/suggestions I can. My intent is not promoting some agenda; it is about the person. Difficult topics sometimes require difficult conversations. (Yes, at times I do drag out my own soapbox too. I do acknowledge that. smile )

I’d like to believe that those who know me, know that about me. My peace and contentment comes a lot from not leaving things unsaid.

This morning Dad and I talked. In my best version of compassion and caring I followed his lead. Spoke about a possible stroke. And the outcome thereof. It’s not like it’s not on his mind. I rationalized his fears by discussing the actions about to be taken today. Spoke about the likelihood of this being a continuation of his previous troubles. Not dismissing his views/feeling, and not promoting them too far either. Worrying is borrowing trouble. What will be, will be. And we will control what we can; dealing with whatever happens.

Was that validating or dismissive?

To tell one’s own father that which he needs to hear. (So I believe.)

Hmmm.

God, I hope I’m on the right track.




Irrational does not mean crazy. It is just not rational. As in not based in logic and reason. This is the realm of feelings and beliefs. Pure reason/logic is devoid of emotion. A computer doesn’t feel.

The irrational realm is philosophical. It is beyond reason. It is the home of faith. Convictions.

Oftentimes, people couple irrational to “bad” or crazy or unwanted behaviour. I do not! We are all rational and irrational creatures. And in truth more irrational than rational. More emotional and belief driven than cold calculating logic. And thank God for that.

Joy, happiness, faith, peace, love, hope, and so on, do not live in the rational self. These flourish the irrational self. That place, beyond reason. Where beliefs live.

Yes, when emotions are dark and consuming, the irrational self gains an upper hand and one loses their rational oversight. Losses their balance. Fear is quite a common, and temporary, example.

The extreme instability of a crisis is one’s irrational self being prolonged, unchecked, and unstoppable. These poor souls get consumed by irrational pressures. Examples of such, are past unresolved and usually unrecognized traumas from childhood. For a MLCer these long ago traumas will no longer remain buried and rise up with a soul eating vengeance.

Sadly, “irrational” gets tied to that idea.

I love and accept my irrational side and self. My belief in God. Can I logically prove or explain it. No, not really. My faith in people. My hope. My optimism. My values and convictions. All irrational and rational. Yes, nothing is ever truly only rational or irrational; everything has some of each. A byproduct from our very design. We are rational/irrational creatures.

I do preach plenty of the flitting of feelings. Of reinforcing that which we desire. Of crafting and strengthening beliefs. Our control is only our rational self. Our influence is upon our irrational self. And, I do so encourage and care about those around me.

My encouragement and words to my Dad could very well be the last I ever get to say to him. That is no different than any other day or time. I do effort to not leave things unsaid to those I care for. Here and in real life.

I’ve been here for four years. I’ve shared my journey. Some truly terrible low points. And I share my values and views. I listen to everything, and consider it. As was mentioned, yes thought work comes very easily to me. It’s like breathing. I just do it, continually. It’s that belief stuff I ramble on about. A questioning attitude.

Thought work is not only for that which one wants to change. It is to ensure that which you are doing still serves. It is to strengthening one’s resolve. Beliefs need to be strong to stand in the storms of life.

My Mom and Dad have knowing me my entire life. Lol. They know who I am, my values, my convictions, and know my sincerity.

Just look at the value I place upon such irrational tenets of life - values, sincerity, convictions. Characteristics that are more than some logical explained adherence. These are deeply held, faithful, driven behaviours. Beliefs.

I’ve got to call my Mom and let her know about Dad. And call the kids as well.

Have a wonderful day.

Love

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928811 01/23/22 06:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,496
Likes: 210
K
kml Online
Member
Online
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,496
Likes: 210
Sorry to hear about your dad. Hoping it’s just a TIA or some other transient cause. (Urinary tract infections in the elderly can be a common cause of temporary worsened cognition, for instance.)

DnJ #2928817 01/23/22 07:13 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,112
Likes: 32
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,112
Likes: 32
Fingers crossed for your Dad D


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2928820 01/23/22 08:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
D
DnJ Online OP
Member
OP Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
Mom just called. She’s been worried and thinking about and focused upon the situation. She let me know she called the care home and they had heard from the doctor. There are no internal signs of stroke. Present diagnosis is UTI.

Mom is not convinced. Dad has been nodding off during conversations and showing decline for a while now. According to her interactions with him.

I did tell her, UTI is a common cause of temporary worsening cognition in older folks. (Thanks kml.) And assured her, ambulances are well equipment, like a hospital on wheels. Dad was monitored the entire duration of his ride, and for hours in the actual hospital, with no indications of stroke. A blockage to the brain would show up pretty easy I would suspect. She did agree, and felt better about things.

She is concerned, and rightful so, regarding Dad’s medication. Dad says, even the nurses say, it is difficult to wake him up at night to turn him. Something new since his heart attack and new medication regimen. I supported her idea of making an appointment and speaking with the care home doctor. Both her and Dad can let the the doctor know of what they see and feel is different.

It’s a small world, the care home doctor is a gal who came to our daycare when she a wee girl.

Anyhow, I’m sure Dad is relieved. And will be glad to have some answers.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928821 01/23/22 09:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 190
Likes: 5
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 190
Likes: 5
The exact same thing happened to my Dad last month, although the UTI had progressed to a kidney infection, and he only has one kidney. Quite a drama getting him into a hospital (the ambulances were ramped at the closest one, and it took around 6 hours to be admitted into the second). After some intravenous antibiotics and lots of fluids, 4 days later he was right as rain. You can imagine how relieved the whole family was when he left hospital.

The night he ended up in the hospital though, was the first night I cried about his situation. It's the first time I came face to face with the reality that I am going to lose him soon. He lives 3500 km away, so I guess I'll be getting intimately acquainted with the insides of airports and airliners over the next year or two.


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
DnJ #2928822 01/23/22 09:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,080
Likes: 11
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,080
Likes: 11
My thoughts and prayers are with your dad and hope they figure out what is going on with him. It's never easy when our parents have health issues, but it's even worse right now because of COVID and family not being allowed in to see them.

Have a good week!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard